peacetree29

Dear S., I would give anything to hold hands with you and walk on the beach with you again like we did last spring. I loved you so much, but I realize now that sometimes I held back because I was afraid that I would be abused again. Not just afraid. Terrified. As much as I wanted to be with you, as much as I tried not to let the past interfere with the joy I felt being with you, I still sometimes got overwhelmed and would become quiet. When you asked me if I thought that what my ex-boyfriend did to me was rape, I lied to you because I was ashamed. I still am. Because I was afraid to be vulnerable. I still am. Because I did not trust you enough to tell you the truth. Once, when you asked me if I was bisexual, I became defensive. When you noticed, and asked again, I was afraid. The words that I should have said stopped in my throat. My ex-boyfriend knew I was bisexual, and he raped me because he wanted to make me straight. I later discovered that I am a lesbian. The first woman I dated believed the rape was all my fault, and accused me of not being a "real lesbian." She used to like to make me bleed. Your question, "Are you bisexual?", posed twice, triggered something in me; I was scared that you, too, could be capable of physically hurting me over what you perceived as my sexuality. S., I wish that I had never held back. I wish that I had kissed you with all my being on our second date. I wish that when you asked me if I wanted to be with you forever, I had just said, "yes." I wish that I had taken better care of myself. I wish that I hadn't worked late the week before you broke up with me. I wish that even though I was exhausted and ashamed of my body, that I had asked you to make love to me when I wanted you. I wish that I had been aware enough that trauma was creeping up on me, so that I could have communicated that to you, and so that my pain did not translate into the withdrawal, inattention, and "spaciness" that left you feeling alone and unloved. During the three months we have been apart, I have longed for you. It has been so hard not calling you. You are still the first person I think of when I go to sleep at night, and the first person I think of when I wake up in the morning. On some days I wish I could leave my heart on a shelf at home so I can get a break from the pain. Losing the joy of loving and being loved by you has been a loss of which I cannot describe the depth. I miss the way the skin on the palms of my hands tingled every time they made contact with yours. I miss the softness of your eyes. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss listening to you. I miss the way you smell. I miss playing with your hair. I miss your laugh and the way it went straight into my chest and warmed me from the inside. I miss your smile. I miss the way you sing when you're happy. I miss the way you drink a whole pot of coffee before work. I miss the way you light up the faces of everyone around you. I miss being held in your arms. I miss laughing with you. I miss hearing about your dreams, the things you love, your stories. I miss sitting on the beach with you. I miss biking with you. I miss sharing my dreams and happinesses with you. I miss so many things I can't write about here. What we had was one of the greatest gifts I have ever shared with someone. I am so thankful that we loved each other, even if it did not last forever. Thank you for showing me how it feels to be loved in a way that doesn't hurt. I am so sorry that I hurt your feelings. I am so sorry I lied to you about the trauma in my life. I am so sorry that I couldn't see that I was getting overwhelmed. I am so sorry I didn't reach out to you and ask for support. I am so sorry that I didn't reassure you more often. I am so sorry that you felt insecure about yourself because I withdrew. I loved you, and had I realized I was having that effect on you, I would have held you and listened to you and kissed you every chance I had. Even though I am trying to move on, my heart still searches for you.