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Thread: 'The wham your head into a wall and run around in circles' journal

  1. #1
    Bronze Member dedem's Avatar
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    'The wham your head into a wall and run around in circles' journal

    I need something to preoccupy my time. I suck at keeping private written journals. But I don't want comments either. Solo journals it is.

    Let's get one thing clear. I'm going through a rough time, trying daily to stay afloat. My personality changes pretty quickly, I can be your best friend or your worst enemy.

    As of right now I'm in my numb personality, it's been alternating from shades of depression to numb all day. I find that giving advice helps me to keep from either, but I think I've been posting too much, so journal it is.

    I suffer from compulsive lying and making myself believe in those lies. However I'm making this site be what my boyfriend was- my place to cope and be the real me. He... didn't like the real me, he liked the bad*** tough girl who alternatively gave it to 'em straight and was kinder than anything. I've even discovered a LOT of things about myself simply by reading my advice and the advice of others. When I help a person who's been in a scenario that either I've a) been in b) think I was heading towards or c) just understand about, i make realizations about my own personal issues. Now, onto the main reason I'm here in the first place.

  2. #2
    Bronze Member dedem's Avatar
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    The Long Story and the Me

    The breakup wasn't bad as far as breakups go. He did not cheat. He simply sat me down and told me what had been up with him lately, and needless to say here I am, the personality sponge, finally realizing that she just can't do it all and is utterly alone.

    He wants to remain friends, but doesn't feel more than that. I flipped out a bit, but he was patient, and possibly scared ****less at losing me (Still have no idea if it was as hard as he said to hurt me). He said he cared in a friend way, that I was one of the better things that happened to him, but i was simply not everything he wanted.

    I dunno if I'll be friends with him. I told him after a week of no contact, very calmly (an act of pure restraint, I wanted to strangle him with words then and there) that I needed space and time, a month at the least, to get over him and get to the point where him being with another girl doesn't make me want to break every bone in both their bodies and turn her into a lifeless doll for my own personal abuse (do NOT be alarmed at this, I would never act, but ranting and being quite gory is common and will be common in my process of relieving stress). If I was prettier, I'd probably be doing a bunch of very overweight men, because they don't expect commitment and try hard in the sack. But since I don't have the face (I have the body, not too fat or skinny and with decent boobs) of someone who can get it when she wants it and with whoever she wants, I simply will have to bide my time until I meet someone.. if I find someone at all.

    After a month or two of NC, and I am being adamant about this, I will do some soul searching and see if I could ever be friends with him. At the moment it's too painful, if I find out he's with some other girl there's no telling how much I'll flip out or what I do. When I'm at the point where I simply do not care, I will see if I want to be friends with him.

    Thing is, he did technically lie to me by saying he loved me all that time when it was idle friendship, and the realization of his lies voided every one of his promises. Sure, I knew in my heart that it would never happen or be permanent, I was his first girlfriend (sad but true, he's 21-22 and hadn't had a girlfriend since a thing in preschool.) and he had no clue what he really wanted. Foolish girl falls in love with confused and stupid boy- relationship fails unless you're in a fairy tale.

    I've been struggling with bouts of low self-esteem lately. I feel like no one will love me- I'm too mean, too insane, and too ugly for it. Just like a witch or ugly stepsister, everyone hates you until you have this big massive change of heart and no longer hate the people who caused you to be miserable, even if it was completely their fault. The king and queen 'forgot' to invite the witch to Sleeping Beauty's baby shower. Cinderella's sisters were threatened by her presence and following their mother's footsteps in hating her. Snow White was never modest or kind, she abandoned the 7 dwarfs after her prince came along, and perhaps the witch was trying to teach girls like her a lesson.

    But where is the prince in my story? Not here, not there, not anywhere. None of the ugly or angry in the stories find love.

    Thing is, hate allows me to bear my every day life. It strengthens me, and helps me learn from my pain. So how can I be nice and pretty and dainty and cruel to those I think are below me, when I've always been the girl who was below all other girls?

  3. #3
    Bronze Member dedem's Avatar
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    Being a Strange Kid is Tough.

    Growing up, I was the one who was ridiculed and mocked for everything from appearance to my strange behavior. I was made to feel like crap.

    As a little girl, I apparently was cute, but incredibly stupid. I had bad experiences with other guys that borderlines molestation that i cannot tell anyone about, the ONE person I've told outside the necessary people (mother, teacher, counselor) left me a few weeks later and it just makes me wonder if it was a nail in the coffin of the relationship.

    But then I got older, got fat, didn't wear any makeup, never did anything with my hair. I also had some psychological issues, possibly deep-rooted ones from my experiences, that made me act like a dog and make people believe I was crazy. Eventually I stopped, but then the kids just simply did not accept me. I had rocks thrown at me, coins thrown at me (I still consider this a bonus), and people consistently talk bad about me. Maybe it was just middle school, maybe it was the fact that I believed myself to be insane. But then in 8th-9th grade I got skinny. No idea how, I did nothing to loose weight, it just vanished. Maybe it really was the meds I went off of. Who knows.

    I still wasn't loved, and I still had issues in high school. Now, in college, i'm having issues with people. Is it me, or is it them? I think it's me, otherwise why would the pretty girls call me fat and ugly and pick at my weaknesses, even as a technical adult. i have no idea how I'll ever succeed relationship wise, he was all I had.

    I'll keep posting as I go back to class tomorrow and have to face not my ex but just the world, which I REALLY don't want to do.

  4. #4
    Bronze Member dedem's Avatar
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    Thinking She Can't Do It

    I don't want to go to school without my ex's encouragement. I despise the people classes, heck, I despise people in general.

    I used to take five minutes before starting my day to read whatever he'd send me on how he loved me and how he wished my day well. I don't want to deal with people. One of my few friends I know for sure won't be there, she went back to her hometown.

    I need his encouragement to get through my day, especially today. I have Latin, math and English all today, some of my hardest classes, and all of last semester I would get through the worst by dreaming of him and telling myself I have to get through it to get to him. But what do i have to look forward to now? Nothing. I have absolutely squat in the way of motivation. Why should I bother doing well, if i know he's not going to give a frick? Why should I keep my GPA up knowing it won't affect him in any way or make him proud of me? I loved him so much... he was my reason to go on with life. And now to find he meant none of it and the last half year of my life was a lie... god all i want to do is break NC. But if I do that he'll see me as weak, spineless, a fool. If i pour my soul out to him again he'll crush me like a bug.

    Nothing in my life is worth going through... I have nothing to look forward to. I don't have his smile, his eyes... god all I want is for him to love me again. I don't care if it's all a lie. I just need someone to tell me it'll be okay and that I'm special and that the opinions of other people don't matter. But no, I'm not worthy of love.

    I'm not worthy of anything that another person gives me. I'm just a lousy friend and girlfriend, the worst catch in the world... it's going to take so much to keep myself from suicide. And i have absolutely nothing, am nothing, and will be nothing.

    If you're reading this and giving a crap, thank you.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Bronze Member dedem's Avatar
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    Oh yuck, people.

    So today didn't go as badly as expected. I didn't break down and cry, though i was sad during the classes that were boring as anything and would typically think of him to pass the time.

    I miss being able to tell him about my day. I wish I could tell him of both the ups and downs, the cruel smartaholic I used to have a minor crush on's putting me down, the hugs and caring I received from a few close friends, and the fact that I simply cannot say or hear the right thing. Someone was talking about peanuts after a joking conversation about invisible penises, and I thought we were still on that conversation. Other times i blubbered my words and tripped on them, embarrassing myself in front of ex-crush (SO over him, he's a narcissist AND a know-it-all who loves to make others suffer for him, I saw that within a month of watching his actions) after trying to ask a simple question. Also, I consistently saw the boy who looked exactly like him... and it upset me greatly.

    Sure, I can pull a strong face and not burst into tears in public. But underneath that tough, wanting-to-fight girl is a girl who's hurting deeply, and so I'm just not as focused as I want to be.

    I have to work on my Latin homework. And my Horticulture homework, even though those were the two subjects I bragged to my ex and made him feel proud of me about. But I really, really don't want to without his encouragement. But just because he's a d-bag and left, doesn't mean I should ruin my future. I love what I do. I enjoy working towards my goals in life. I love the language I'm studying. I may not like the people who are in it, but we all gotta be social sometimes. It could mean a career.

    But since I'm not ready to be "just friends" with him, I won't reconnect for a month. Or two. Or three, four... however long it takes to make it so that I don't need him in my life. I've always prided myself on being independent, so why can't I pull myself together and be who I've always been? It's not as if him being in my life changed my independence in my studies. I will pull through this if it kills me... and there's always the chance it will.

    It'd be against everything i am to let a man like him change the woman I am. As the saying goes, when the going gets tough, the tough get going.

    Highlights of Today:

    The friend I was so sure of not being there was there, sharing feelings of missing something just the same as me. She's actually a decent person, who speaks her mind when I do something stupid. She even managed to make me reach out to a new boy, who was sitting alone, and invite him to our table of people who are cool with anyone with a brain and not obsessed with popularity (And understand that Victor is a victor who will win at a lot no matter what).

    He declined and said he was already sitting with people. Seemed to both me and her he was sitting at a table by himself TRYING to fit in with the table next to him. I might or might not work on perhaps trying to befriend him, i mean, I feel sorry for him. He's gonna have a hard time fitting for awhile just like any other new guy. Course, I'll be careful, in past years l I befriended a new girl who quickly ditched me for the popular kids.

    And though I did feel like the niceness I showed towards him was going to make me sick (I kinda said it made me want to hit someone with the rock glove I had made to store rocks I randomly found in my pocket, don't ask me why), I also felt relieved because I could show some decency, and I don't always like being mean and tough. I like being nice, sad though it may seem, but only to those who will be nice in return. It may be selfish, but those who are in it for themselves, want others to hurt, and are just plain mean to the people in their lives who they feel are lesser I feel do not deserve my kindness.

    I hate it when people mocked the 'special' people, or the people who simply had tastes and lifestyles that weren't "normal" to the world.

    But anyway, another highlight is the fact that even though emotionally exhausting friends are exhausting, they cared enough to want to visit me and keep me company for a bit. For that I appreciate them a little bit more, they don't mind it when I blow off steam with them... they know I mean nothing of what I say, and joke back.

    As for keeping the weight off from my excessive eating tendencies (another joke, I eat more than all my fattest friends), I run a mile or two every other day and go to the gym/self-defense class, which got off a LOT of emotional stress today. For all you struggling with anger/depression... beating the snot out of a bag repeatedly helps greatly, and imagine it's the one who's hurt you if you're still not feeling it.

    So at the moment I'm feeling rather... okay-tired.

    And I think I'll be doing this daily. The bads, then the goods, and see if they outweigh each other.

    For today, I'll say the positives are equal to the negatives. For every whisper or out-loud word I thought heard about me, there was someone who was willing to at least be a friend, or honest. Though I'm gonna have to ask Mary to not be so honest... I am NOT the brunt of the school's laughter, and my purpose isn't to be made fun of (she hears a lot from people who are rather cruel to everyone but each other). Even if I don't give a flying rat's arse what the group as a whole thinks as long as they don't say it to my face. THEN you may or may not have an issue, and I don't play fair... ever.
    Last edited by dedem; 01-03-2011 at 04:53 PM.

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    Bronze Member dedem's Avatar
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    Oh, the Irony

    So I'm watching Courage the Cowardly Dog show out of boredom. You may or may not remember/like the show. It's the episode where the planets align and the artwork in a museum comes out and expresses its true desire.

    The Mona Lisa wants to be together with the thinker. He thinks ALL the time and does not ever want to do anything with him. Mona Lisa is lovesick at this, and so she begs Courage to find her a real man, not one who thinks ALL the time and ponders every move to the point of going nowhere in a relationship. Courage, wanting to save his dearest Muriel, trapped within a painting, takes a cherub's arrow, pierces it into the heart of Mona and the man in a lover's statue. They fall in love, he ditches the other lover with just a "we should see other people." She's disgusted and goes "men," (probably becomes the statue representing woman, and the strength they must have) while the thinker stays in the painting with the bar and becomes the lonely man.

    I laughed at this. It was the first time something I watched out of boredom had made me smile. Oh, the irony, I thought, because this is what happened with me and me ex. Now if this cartoon is to be believed, he'll be lonely forever and ponder his musings, and I'll find someone who will truly satisfy the desires of my heart, without just saying he wants to. I've started to hate muse for the love songs the ex sent me, every time I think of Undisclosed Desires or I Belong To You I think of a man who truly got me, but he never actually did, he did what he thought might make me happy.

    If only I had a dog like Courage who would make the perfect man fall in love with me..

    Again, the irony of it all.

  8. #7
    Bronze Member dedem's Avatar
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    Head+Wall and Repeat ](*,)

    Just what the doctor ordered. Ach, another day I DON'T wanna go to classes, and I don't feel like doing it without him. Granted, I'm not bawling my eyes out like I was yesterday, but I'm still sad, and still seeing class as a place where too much drama, and too much boring thoughtless stuff goes on. I need to be busy, some classes are busy, others give me the perfect opportunity to sit and think. My B-day is coming up, tomorrow actually. I don't want to celebrate it without him. We were going to do things, stuff we had planned a head, to give me the best birthday ever, now that he's gone it's gonna suck. Just like new years.

    Way for him to be a massive let down by breaking up with me two days after Christmas. Ruins EVERY holiday from here until next year. Valentine's day is another one, I thought for once I wouldn't be alone on it, that I'd have a man bringing me flowers and chocolates and being all stereotypical. But since he's got zero feelings for me, he may as well go F off. I'll sit alone and watch sappy valentine's day cartoons and treat it like it's nothing special. There's no one in the world who'd want to be my valentine anyway.

    Why do I keep thinking he's my boyfriend, he's my ex. I consistently find myself saying when I hear someone do something we did that "oh, my boyfriend and I..." It's my EX, I have no boyfriend. Again, wall and head. Over and over until it's in my brain forever. Or until I loose the ability to control my thoughts and have mental disabilities. Whatever brings more bliss.

    De out, off to class like the good little scholar I am. -insert dramatic eye roll here-

  9. #8
    Bronze Member dedem's Avatar
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    So Apparently Hormones Are Just Another Way of Saying "YOU'RE INSANE, ABANDON ALL HOPE."

    Today is not on my list of shining moments in time. So I was in the library working on the new report I have to do, and being whispery with a friend. She was frustrated because she really didn't want to be in the class but they stuck her in it anyway. I was frustrated because I couldn't seem to get my work ethic up. We ended up talking about how people were "whispering about her" already due to her being friends with me, and saying she was okay with it but that I should work on my image. Denial being very crappily covered up, if you ask me. I explained to her that this school is a big show of who can come out on top, those that try to hard to be loved by everyone end up hated by all. Ironically just like high school. I also said i had no respect for this chick and the teacher who were talking about me behind her back and wondering why we're friends with each other, and that I didn't care.

    I will befriend those who are lowly, are hurt by the top of the social scene, are fat, are ugly, are plain, don't care about appearance or blending. I do it without even thinking, the moment i met this chick I knew that we'd at least get along, that there was something unusual and covered up about her.

    But she has one flaw that is quickly getting on my nerves. Her honesty and saying things without considering how they sound to the other person. She thinks she's fat, I beg to differ. She thinks she's only worthy of a baggy sweater, I say she looks fine and should take it off more, I love her style tastes. I don't mind her OCD moments, or that she thinks no one understands, I love figuring people out and enjoying that person. But when you say that everyone in the school dislikes me and that I'm the mockery of the school, you go too far in being bitter. I am not low, I pride myself on being high up and leading the low, I love making friends with the strange and under appreciated (I even befriended janitors at my old school). And so I don't know how it will go with said girl.

    I've also noticed myself gravitating towards guys I'm friends with. I've been trying to avoid this, for one they're afraid of me/think of me as more of a buddy with a vagina and for two most are taken. And even if they are one of the rare few who neither have a girl they describe as 'smokin' hot' and might have attraction towards me, there's a reason I never ended up with them and i must remember that. But hormones will be hormones, or maybe emotions will be emotions. With females, there is no difference.

    I got into a joking fest with two guys, they were criticizing the other's looks. I said some stuff, not intended to hurt but to mock, and he said what I feel daily: that I look like a malformed...thing. He even went so far as to say I'm the offspring of incest. For a joke, it's pretty harsh. Being the kind of gal I am, I retorted and we both shut up before it escalated, and before I scared the guy I'm kinda, half-heartedly interested in away. We're just friends, i won't let it get beyond that, but we are alike in our love of strange and dislike of things we find tedious, like class. His exact words to me were just what I was thinking as we sat listening to the teacher's boring recount of her sad, sad life.

    I wanna get out of here, maybe get someone to pull a fire alarm and pull off an unarmed escape from this prison, find a place where I actually LEARN something. Possibly fake a seizure and make her shut up first, then bolt in the confusion.

    He's simply just agreeable to be around. But we'd probably act if we got together, AND he's taken. She's an annoying little twit, but he's happy enough with her, so friends we are.

    Me daily exercise was simple enough. I had Rammstein in my head, and so it made me want to run until the end of time, until I felt the ever-intense stab in my side that proves that I'm not in the best shape I could be, though I can put it off for ten-twenty minutes before it becomes beyond excruciating. I still felt though, that the routine had things missing to it, a quality I enjoyed. Am curious as to what.

    I've also found that girls are VERY good at sensing when another is sad or upset at something. Guys may look at you, think you're happy, and go on. But girls will notice a simple throwing of your things onto your seat and be all over you with questions on whether something's wrong.

    Not sure if I like or don't like that. I mean, I'm hardly what you'd call friends with the girls who seem to care.

    4:55 is coming up. Have to stay distracted.

  10. #9
    Bronze Member dedem's Avatar
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    Guys Are From Another Planet

    I'm thinking I need a translator.

    So... this entry of journal will be about guys i know but have no interest in farther than friends, excluding ex.

    To start, there's my best friend's, let's call her S, boyfriend, T. Dude is a lot like me when i'm not in my nice stage. Angry, tough as nails and willing to die for what he loves. Only problem is that if i was with him, he'd not only make me constantly like that, but we'd probably end up taking out half the world in a blind rage. Friend of mine, an emotionally draining one, introduced me to him after I was dealing with the heartbreak of realizing that a gay guy crush i had would never, in a million years, work out.

    I took one look, and fled. Not cos he's ugly (he's on the better looking side of the tough dude spectrum), but the vibe I got from him... the dude was familiar from the start, and also something like a forbidden fruit. If I explain here, I'll have half a dozen people calling me insane PLUS I'll break the confidentiality of my closest friend. So I'll just say that he is what i believe a past soulmate, one I do NOT want to get involved with other than to be friends and share a mutual love and devotion to S. Difference is that he can satisfy her romantic needs, while I try to keep her emotionally stable, something he fails at in exchange for him doing what I can't do.

    Next boy, absolutely NO clue what his name is. Aforementioned boy in the above post who thinks like me and has a few things in common. Except, for the fact that we don't know each other too well, we're friends at best. Boy has crooked teeth, is funny and does his own thing regardless of what others think. Something him and I both enjoy doing.

    And then there's who i'll call Brandon. And his brother Tyler. Both, for some reason, keep being nice to me or at least civil. Tyler gets a goofy smile on his face. Brandon alternates from angry to kind. I've caught both looking at me more than once. Only issue is, I'd rather not get involved with what I call 'special folk.' Because the heartbreak and pain is far worse on them if the relationship doesn't work, even if I don't mind what they look like or act like. It's the same for Nate, he'll make small talk and try to do things for me when I've clearly got it. This morning I saw him watching me and my friends from a second story window that looks out into the library. I feel a bit of regret for having gotten his hopes up once.

    Then, there's Ernie. Oh what a love/hate relationship you have there. Kid knows me pretty well, for one i used to treat horribly... now we tolerate when we see each other, he's dating or was dating a friend of mine.

    Oh, and the smart-a-holic former crush boy. I go from trying to avoid him to bickering with him and his so-called intelligence. I hate that his praise makes me feel like I'm doing something right for once. He made it clear that I'd be nothing more than a toy for him to use when he wanted, someone to do the dirty work when he needed a fight. There may have been a time i was willing to fight for him. Not now, I am no one's puppet.

    Then there's the boy who looks like ex. Have absolutely no resolve when it comes to talking to him, I've seen him with other chicks either talking or seeming to date them, and I know he's occupied at the moment. His name I'll say is Shane, I first started to get a crush on him after we sat together at lunch and were happy talking. But then he got another table and I found my place, and we drifted apart. No amount of perusing him would have done me much good, even now when I have no boyfriend to hold me back. Plus, I'd rather not look into his face and see only my ex. Not healthy to be in a relationship because someone looks and/or acts like your past.

    That's about it for noteworthy guys. Other guy incidents are guys I'm not really wanting to notice, like the guy who informed me I dropped a few dollars who's dating a girl who I almost got into a fight with.

    I still have absolutely no clue sometimes what's going on with them. A guy could be perfectly decent one moment and then a jerk the next. It doesn't matter what your relationship with him is, whether it's just friends or dating or hating each other to the point of saying they're first on your list of people to eliminate if you ever snap. The story stays the same, he'll be respecting you and then mocking you in an instant.

    I'm pretty sure it's the same to them, one moment we'll be cool and then the next it'll be some form of insanity and over-the-top emotion.

    It's a wonder our speicies can breed at all. O_O

    Like, OMG, Let's Do Makeovers!

    I'm debating taking a friend's advice and dressing pretty/wearing makeup/doing stuff with hair. She said that if I keep doing what I always did my self-esteem will continue to plummet. However, I'm a guy when it comes to beauty stuff. The most I know is hygiene, relaxation, how to smell good, cover up and how to apply eyeliner and mascara for days when i need to look my best.

    I gave up on hair styling. Most I do is straighten sometimes.

    So... middle school ask-the-beauty-queen to make me over it is, if I can stomach it. Outfit picking too, my usual outfit is jeans and either a black shirt or a shirt with an interesting design. No real style.

    Why do I want this? Besides the self-esteem thing, friends tell me I'd be pretty if I tried, and I also want to not be known as the girl to call when you need backup in a fight or a riot to be whipped up.

    I kinda wanna be known as the girl who buries herself into books, likes flowers and plants, and can care deeply about someone. Every time I come by with a flower arrangement I made or am reading a book I get all these surprised and annoyed people.

    Truth is, I'm both a tough, trigger-happy chick and a goody-goody who likes to be alone and at peace with the world. I don't know which side is most me. Get me around plants or hand me a good book, and I become almost like the anti-me. I dunno if this is something to be concerned about or not. It's just a girly, feminine side that no amount of hardship should kill... when it dies, the sane me dies. And I'm scared most of all of what I would do should I snap from the pressure and loose that easy-going, submissive side.

    I'm also sick of having moments where i'll bring flowers in for a project in like, English and connect them to the book, and have all these people going "...you like flowers? She's actually showing a feminine side? Is it the end of the world??" I hate it.

    But tough girl side has her bonuses too. For one, able to deal with the stuff that would destroy the gentle me. For two, able to deal with the pain of knowing things from the past. For three, I can take the insults of the world, the petty struggles an individual encounters in society and is able to be strong enough to stand up for herself when the moment arises.

    I dunno which came first. I dunno which I need more. But I do want to start looking like the inside me, just so that people can see that I am BOTH, not one or the other.

    S, get ready to make some calls or get your arse over to where I am. And make sure you're sitting because the end of the world is coming...I'm seriously considering a makeover.

    That's about it for today's transition. De out.
    Last edited by dedem; 01-04-2011 at 09:59 PM.

  11. #10
    Bronze Member dedem's Avatar
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    B-Day or D-Day?

    So...today actually went MUCH better than expected. As some may know, today is my birthday. I'm 19 now.

    Food was good, friends were friendly, negative people kept at a minimum, homemade cookies delicious. Going to get spoiled with Chinese food and ice cream cake by a close friend.

    I'm writing a letter to future me, I do it every year. My advice? Fall in love slowly, never rush things. Have been reading House MD quotes every time i feel sad, makes me feel so much better.

    I think i'm moving on, and today is a good day. In the back of my head I want to see if he messaged me to wish me a happy birthday, but why torture myself. It's my birthday, shouldn't i be happy?

    List of positive things that happened today:

    A guy named Victor and I are becoming friends after what was a dislike/annoyance of each other. I'm friends with his girlfriend, so it's a great thing since he can be a tad controlling of her.

    Watched an enemy get rightfully yelled at for neglecting his duties in class and causing a serious set back for the teacher. Am glad I did nothing to sabotage him, cruel people have a way of getting what's coming to them on their own.

    Was able to have conversations with people without tripping on words.

    Managed to keep conversation focused on Mary.

    Kept up with know-it-all in an intellectual debate/argument.

    Was praised by Latin teacher for my sudden re-devotion to the language.

    Made cookies that tasted AWESOME.

    Found my laugh.

    Discussing a topic I know quite a bit about in English, and a mix-up caused the work I forgot to do to not be necessary.

    Was not made to sit through calculus. Teacher took a sick day.

    List of bad:

    Have/had a headache

    S is complaining to me about killing herself. I'm failing at helping her. Her breakdowns are worrying me... but there's nothing i can do but be supportive and caring like a friend should.

    T has been rather flirtatious lately and I don't want it to cause a rift.

    TV is not showing my favorite TV episode of the show i love.

    Every time I think of him or drift into a fantasy I worsen my depression.

    Hm, so in the grand scheme of things... today is a birthday, not a doom day. Yet. I'm still half-expecting the rest of my birthday to be completely bleh. The fact that S is freaking out is enough for me to doubt a truly happy b-day.

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