'The wham your head into a wall and run around in circles' journal

[dedem]

Plan For Tomorrow, Because I Swear To You, You're Going To Be Okay

 

Nevermind that I'm not. S will either end up with her ex who is cheating on his girlfriend with her, or he'll break her heart one last time before she moves on. Bestie will have her life sorted out (I hope) and won't need me or anyone else anymore. M will move back to her old town and be happy there with her friends and family. Everyone is going to get past their troubles.

 

So why do I have the feeling that I'm the exception to that rule? I dole out advice to my friends like a good friend should and take little in return. But I'm finding it hard to follow my own advice, go out clubbing, pick up some guy and just have a fling or two. I don't really want to have fun anymore. I've felt increasingly more and more depressed and ill, I have headaches nonstop. I don't think I'm going to be okay.

 

He's still with her. E has turned out to be gay. Friends are ignoring me, the one I care most about in particular. I'm either fighting or not talking to my family. Everything seems to be so wrong right now, that I just can't seem to see it being right. I keep having flashes of the real future, Bestie and her man holding their first child, my friends living out their unique lives... but I'm either not in it or I'm barely tolerated in it. I can see myself going drunk and just giving up, because as an old friend once said. Everyone has a purpose, and some are meant to be hated. And I'm meant to be hated even if it kills me to do so. I'm the enemy everyone will unify against. That's my future, but the better half of me can't tolerate that.

 

What is the point of living, if life gave you the bad hand? There is always someone in every story who is the witch, the evil menace, or simply just 'that guy who everyone wants to kill.' No one cares about the evil witch or looks at the reasoning behind her actions. No one sees the witch in Cinderella as just a poor, misunderstood woman who was the outcast. Because of this inability to like what can't be liked, many women died at the stake because they didn't conform to their society for whatever reason and hence were feared.

 

I would rather have a bastard child and live on the edge of a village than to live in the village and be treated like dirt for being a woman. I wouldn't want an abusive overbearing husband and six children whom were my sole responsibility. And in modern society, I don't want to have six thousand friends, a facebook, and have to wear painful and annoying clothing just to fit in. If I want to wear boots or sandals, I will wear boots or sandals. That's just who I am, and to think that someone today would have the nerve to say I'm a freak for being me. This isn't high school. What I wear is my business.

 

Besides, everyone is different in some way. So by being me I'm being like everyone else. But she didn't get it and so i walked off. Whatever, still bruised my pride.

 

I don't know what I want to be. Loved by everyone but not myself, or myself and hated by everyone. There was a time where I'd rather die than to choose the former, but all I want is acceptance of who I am and just enough love so that I don't feel like the sad clown who isn't quite there.

 

It never gets easier, and I'm fairly certain I'm depressed. No medication though, that'll make it worse. I'd rather not kill myself because the anti-depressants have turned the weepies that I get into full-blown depression.

 

This last portion of Scrubs shows my three feelings. One, is what I shared once with my best friend, only instead of guy it's girl. Two, is where I hope I might get too someday with one of my exes, so that I have a very JD and Elliot relationship. And the third, is what I'm praying for, for everyone else. If sacrificing my happiness for the happiness of a thousand more people is the cost of my life, then so be it, because at least vicariously I can share the joys and burdens of those around me.

 

I'll be there to care through all the lows, I'll be there to share the highs...

 

 

[dedem]

I Took a Walk Around the World to Ease My Troubled Mind

 

I left my body somewhere in the sands of time...

 

Today was an okay day. I might be having one of those old-fashioned sleep overs, just to reminisce with an old friend. My best friend might be coming if she's still my best friend, and i haven't done anything wrong. I hate how when one much cared about person vanishes from my world I worry like crazy about them, but if others die I have a weird fascination with it that most people find to be both creepy and tactless. It may be coincidence that she hasn't been on aim in a week or so, or it could be something I did, or her boyfriend did. I know she's likely alive since I went on her facebook (for like, 3 seconds max) the other day and she was logged in. If she was really mad at me, she'd change the password... and it's everything I can do to keep from checking now. But to be honest, I don't feel comfortable on that site. It's not that I'm completely antisocial, it's that I feel wrong peering into people's lives. I'm a generally private person, I don't want people I see every day knowing things about me. And sure, I could set it so that only Mary and a few others were allowed on my facebook, but even then it's just so drama filled and personal. Only my best friends know things about me.

 

My old friend has fallen on some complicated times, and I'm at a loss as to what to say to her. She's in love with her ex, he's cheating on his girlfriend for her, and she keeps thinking she'll get him back even though she knows the relationship was bad and he only wants her for sex. Plus, now his girlfriend is added to my long list of people who hate me, even if I really have no issue with her provided she doesn't cause trouble.

 

What really irks me is that she has an amazing guy who is good friends with her and used to be loose friends with me. He'd date her in a heartbeat if she was over her ex, but she just won't move on. -sigh- Draaaaamaaaaa city.

 

I'm removing myself from dating for a year. I've decided that if I can't get my head on straight and I'm not over my exes, I'm not ready to find someone new. Besides, I'm still growing mentally and somewhat physically, I have a long road to go if I want to be at a point where my confidence is what it used to be.

 

Compared to my friends and colleges, I feel so immature relationship wise... most girls have double or triple the amount of relationships as I do, and I heard a girl I originally thought was miss goody two-shoes say she had done things with someone. I haven't done much... at all. Whether that validates or destroys me, I don't know. I don't even know what's good anymore, I thought keeping yourself from being a sl** would get you a guy who's got a great personality and is just like you, but apparently you have to put yourself out to find someone who's right for you.

 

Ah well, I'll just be me and if me becomes that person who everyone avoids, then so be it. None of this is going to matter when I'm 80 and dying, alone or not alone. I can't change who I am for others, it's just not me. I'm annoying, neurotic and loud-mouthed, and proud of that. I'm also quiet, sweet, and kind to those who I feel should see that vulnerable side to me, and i'm proud of that as well. To change... it scares me more than being alone, because I've tried before and it hit me in the face, hard. But i'll end this sappy unloading of emotional baggage before I depress myself.

 

E may very well be gay. He has more girls with crushes on him than he knows what to do with, because of how he is. He might have a personality that conforms to every other personality, or he might not, I dunno. But the conversations I have with him tell me one of two things. One, he's insane, or two, he's almost exactly like me... and if he's gay, then I'm actually okay with that because I have only found two other people who share MANY of the same secrets I have. Guy or girl, a person like that usually is extraordinary to me. He'll need to try a lot harder though to make me give up what I know, mostly because I have no idea if he's joking or serious.

 

Tomorrow I'll be going walking for two or three miles, mostly because I want to, and also to participate in a fundraiser thing that will help cancer patients. Which means I miss my last period class, but if it doesn't get rescheduled then I'll gather a bunch of female friends and just go wherever they tell us. I'll cross my fingers and hope that maybe it'll be fun, but last time I said something would be great it ended up being a nightmare.

 

Exhaustion is all in the body... whereas fear is all in the mind. I'm going to go for 8 hours tonight, which means I need to go to bed in 8 minutes, can't sleep in since my body doesn't let me. So night and peace, oh, and I'm feeling up for the song tonight.

 

Evolution-Korn

I'm diggin' with my fingertips

I'm ripping at the ground I stand upon

I'm searching for fragile bones

Evolution

 

I'm never gonna be refined

Keep trying but I won't assimilate

Sure we have come far in time

watch the bow break

 

And I'm sorry that I don't believe

by the evidence that I see

That there's any hope left for me

It's evolution

Just evolution

 

And I, I do not dare deny

the basic beast inside

It's right here

It's controlling my mind

And why do I deserve to die

and I'm dominated by

This animal thats locked up inside

 

Close up to get a real good view

I'm betting that the species will survive

Hold tight, I'm getting inside you

Evolution

And when were gonna find these bones

They're gonna want to keep them in a jar

the number one virus caused by

Procreation

 

And the planet may go astray

in a million years they'll say

Those motherf****** were all derranged

It's evolution

Just evolution

 

And I, I do not dare deny

the basic beast inside

It's right here

It's controlling my mind

And why do I deserve to die

I'm dominated by

This animal thats locked up inside

 

Take a look around

Nothing much has changed

Take a look around

Nothing much has changed

Take a look around [x3]

Nothing much has changed

Take a look around [x2]

Nothing much has changed

Take a look around [x2]

Nothing much has changed

Take a look around

 

I, I do not dare deny

the basic beast inside

It's right here

It's controlling my mind

And why do I deserve to die

I'm dominated by

This animal that's locked up inside

 

Why

Why do I deserve to die?

Why?

 

And cue the explosion that signals me going to bed. Goooooodnight!

[dedem]

Sleepless and Terrified

 

It is now on my clock 12:38 AM, and I just can't fall asleep. I spent a portion of my night watching Devil May Cry, it somehow made me laugh. But when I closed my laptop to go to sleep, I started thinking.

 

And I've realized I've lost everything over the scope of two months that mattered to me. I have neither a best friend because I don't know what happened to her, nor do I have a boyfriend. So the two people in the entire world who could mean the most to me, have vanished from my world, and I'm so scared that something happened or that I annoyed her so that she no longer wanted to talk to me. Maybe she faked excuses the last couple times for seeing me, if so then I don't know what I did, but now I'm at a loss.

 

She was my everything, and now if something happened to her I just don't know if I can deal with that. I always told myself that if I had a best friend I'd be able to make it through anything, but this distance thing is putting a strain on our friendship. If it's gotten to the point where we've just completely drifted, then I don't know what to do anymore, because I truly have no reason to continue living if she and I no longer are friends, or worse yet, something did happen to her.

 

Is all my life going to be the internet and reality shows, to distract myself from me? I think so, because from where I stand now, I don't see anything or anyone that's worth living for. Family? Not all that close, they'd move on if I died. Friends? Gone, all gone and no one who would care. My plants? They will live without me, same with my animals. Materialistic things? I wouldn't care if I was in my bed right now or a box, as long as I had a place to sleep. I see absolutely nothing worth living for in my life right now, and to top it off my depression won't leave me alone without me having to go out of my way to try and distract myself. I've lost interest in everything.

 

And so I keep asking myself, what on this earth do I have to live for except for memories and HOPES of a future? Nothing is set in stone, but I generally can understand where life will take me. And life right now is taking me nowhere.

 

I don't want to be 80 and living alone, it's too long to have to deal with this before I go when it's my time. I also don't want to be turned down by every guy I even had a chance with because i'm so scared of hurting them as well as myself. I am trying so desperately to let go of everything that deserves to be set free, but everyone needs a person who they can depend on no matter what, and when that's gone there's precious little left. I've no purpose, either, I just am, I don't want to change the world, nor can I. I'm not wealthy, smart, rich, or powerful enough to make a difference in this world, the only thing I'm good for is food for insects that dwell in the earth. I just don't know how long I can go before I decide to just get it over with already, I'm one of the hundreds of people who are too weak to get through life.

 

My inner voice is just telling me what I really don't want to hear, like how I should just do it already and stop dragging others down with me. Or how I ruin everything I love and cherish because i'm too selfish and impulsive. I just don't know anymore, I'm fairly certain I'm not cut out for life anyway. I hate so many people because I see them do all these wrong and terrible things, it would be easier to love everyone but only a few people can show me that they deserve to be loved and cared for. I know people make mistakes, but I just can't tolerate a person who is mean for no reason to those who are below them. So I doom myself to staying below many people and dealing with their insufferable crap. I'm aware i'm not normal, but I just can't change that.

 

Oh, who am I fooling. I don't even know who I am right now. I barely understand me, I can guarantee that no one else does. It is just too much for me to ask from the world, to just have one person in the entire world who understands and can explain to me just what exactly I am. I thought my best friend was that, but if she's gone then what else is there but a world filled to the brim with people who are so wrapped up in themselves they don't have the common decency to try and connect with others. It's a world full of cardboard and gray faces, as horrible as that sounds it's as true as it gets.

 

I want to die so badly right now but my survival side refuses. I wish that would die so that I could die and just be done instead of burdening others. I'll acknowledge that this is a weak moment, but there's a thousand more where that came from and there's just nothing to be done.

 

I need an outlet, so this song will depress just about anyone who hears it.

 

Augusta-Boston

 

 

 

In the light of the sun

Is there anyone

Oh it has begun

 

Oh dear you look so lost

Eyes are red

And tears are shed

This world you must've crossed

You said...

 

You don't know me

You don't even care

Oh, yeah

She said

You don't know me

And you don't wear my chains

Oh yeah

 

Essential yet appealed

You carry all your thoughts

accross an open field

When flowers gaze at you

They're not the only ones who cry

When they see you...

 

You said..

You don't know me

You don't even care

Oh yeah

She said

You don't know me

You don't wear my chains

Oh yeah

 

She said I think I'll go to Boston

I think I'll start a new life

I think I'll start it over

Where no one knows my name

I'll get out of California

I'm tired of the weather

I think i'll get a lover

And fly 'em out to Spain

 

I think I'll go to Boston

I think that I'm just tired

I think I need a new town

To leave this all behind..

 

I think I need a sunrise

I'm tired of the sunset

I hear its nice in the summer

Some snow would be nice...

Oh yeah..

 

Boston

Where no one knows my name

Yeah

Where no one knows my name

(X3)

 

What I wouldn't do to just know what happened to her... this is just like what happened with my gay friend, and I've been thinking of him more and more as well. I guess I never really let go of him, and I'm just wishing that he was around because some of the things we talked about... I can talk about with no one else, not even my friends. The both of them knew secrets that sometimes I just need to get out, and now they both disappeared, the former having come back after a year and me ruining it all. I need his advice right now more than anything, and it's just something I can't tell to anyone else, as i said. I can't even write it here, it's just too personal.

 

Where is he, and where is she... they are truly the only two people who I'd let in my life, in full, but because they brought me happiness I had to loose them. I am going to cut all ties on Monday and just pray that somehow things work out for me, I'm so sick of loving and being hurt that I can't extend myself out anymore.

 

This journal isn't helping me now either, I'm still sad and at a lost as to what to do. So I guess this is goodnight, although I'm not sleeping. I'll probably cancel the sleepover as well, I just can't be there for people this weekend. And I'm sorry for that, but there is no point to me helping people when all it ever does is worsen my own pain.

 

-d

[dedem]

And The Shark, It Has Tears

 

I did not sleep at all last night, I simply couldn't. Now I am dead tired today, too tired to be sad anymore.

 

I am so worried about my former best friend. But there is nothing I can do. The sleepover will likely be rain checked until we find out what's up, or at least, when she does. I am just too embittered right now to care, about anything. It may be a beautiful day, but I see no urge to celebrate. I am lonely, and without friends, but I'll deal with it the way I always have. Go on the internet and succumb to the flickering lights, sounds and pictures of TV and games. I see no reason to keep living this way, but I will anyway.

 

She was right when she told me what would happen should she die. I will live on, her boyfriend may or may not die, himself. I will become bitter and alone, the only one in the world who can tell her story truthfully. It is my destiny should she die, I don't have the cahones to off myself. I am glad however, that the judgment of others kept me from injuring myself. I have neither interest nor desire to do anything now, I barely want to go outside even if it's a beautiful day. I'm just too tired to care anymore.

 

My song today is a German song, by Rammstein. When translated, it's actually a decent song, and I love the beat regardless.

 

Rammstein-Haifisch (Shark)

 

We hold together

We put up with each other

We stick together

No one will slow us down

 

We remain loyal to you

We stand by that

We follow all the rules

If we are allowed to rule

 

And the shark, it has tears

And they run down its face

But the shark lives in the water

So no one sees the tears

 

We keep up the pace

We keep our word

If one isn't keeping up

We stop right away

 

We keep our eyes open

We hold each other by the arm

Six hearts that burn

The fire keeps you warm

 

And the shark, it has tears

And they run down its face

But the shark lives in the water

So no one sees the tears

 

In the depths it is lonely

And so many a tear flows

And that is why the water

In the seas is salty

 

They can think whatever

They want about us

We keep each other harmless

We will never stop

 

And the shark, it has tears

And they run down its face

But the shark lives in the water

So no one sees the tears

 

In the depths it is lonely

And so many a tear flows

And that is why the water

In the seas is salty

 

And the shark, it has tears

And they run down its face

But the shark lives in the water

So no one sees the tears

 

In the depths it is lonely

And so many a tear flows

And that is why the water

In the seas is salty

 

Some days, I just wish I could not be me. Today is one of them. I only came to this site because if I didn't write about this, this would inevitably kill me. Every feeling that I can possibly feel seems to work against me, but that is life. Miserable and cold.

 

-d

[dedem]

So are you just gonna roll over and give up like you always do? No, you're finally just gonna get mad and do something about it.

 

Alright, so today on my way home I turned on my music, and something hit me. This world is for the strong, and you are strong. I know I've said that to myself a million times, but today something clicked.

 

I'm not going to take it anymore. Come Tuesday I am going to get a haircut, get some new clothes, go out and do whatever because what right do ANY of my exes have to stop me from having fun? It's time to grow up and move on, and I've about had it with men, bad friends, and lost friends.

 

I need to start standing on my own for a change instead of letting others determine whether I cry myself to sleep or sleep peacefully. I'm not a little girl, and I have more than my fair share of strength. The woman who I was is still me, I never changed other than to know HOW to be nice once in awhile. I'm fed up with the way I am right now, because it's not fair to others.

 

Starting tomorrow I'm going to try and focus on changing my personality so that I am the me I love again. I need confidence, so when my hair stylist comes back from her vacation I'm going to get my eyebrows waxed and my hair done. Then possibly a second piercing for the heck of it, and a second pair of boots. My old ones are falling apart, and as i've said, your shoewear reflects who you are. Wearing some of my new shirts would be nice, too, and I might sign up for a gym.

 

I look at all these people on this site who are barely able to function, and saw that unlike many of them I am still able to go to school, push past my tears, and force myself to see my ex and the whole community of people who dislike on a daily basis. And for some reason, I still have reasons to keep going to class and do what I need to do. So yeah, maybe I'm not the most stable person in the world, but because of that I can change, and if it's a choice between wallowing in self-pity and being strong I choose strength.

 

ENA, you might just see a new dedem in the coming months and weeks. I'll have my low times, but overall I just need to change my thinking, and if the world changes, great. If not, whatever. This is all for me, folks!

 

My song today is the song they played when Elliot found her strong side and completely changed herself.

 

It's called American Girl, and it's by Tom Petty

 

Well, she was an American girl

Raised on promises

She couldn't help thinkin'

That there was a little more to life somewhere else

After all it was a great big world

With lots of places to run to

And if she had to die tryin'

She had one little promise she was gonna keep

 

O yeah, all right

Take it easy, baby

Make it last all night

She was an American girl

 

Well it was kind of cold that night,

She stood alone on her balcony

Yeah, she could hear the cars roll by,

Out on 441 like waves crashin' on the beach

And for one desperate moment

There he crept back in her memory

God it's so painful when something that's so close

Is still so far out of reach

 

O yeah, all right

Take it easy, baby

Make it last all night

She was an American girl

[dedem]

A Lonely Life, Where No One Understands You. But Don't Give Up, Because The Music Do

 

I'm feeling lonely tonight. I dunno what it is, maybe it's my friend's absence, maybe it's the feeling of belonging I got in the brief minutes that I spoke to my ex today (very casual). But even though I have a bottle of good wine and a purring cat, I can't shake this feeling of being lonely. My family is around, I'm sure if I tried I could find a couple friends. I don't want that though. I don't even want my ex, he and i weren't meant to be and if I'm meant for love, then I deserve much better than that.

 

E also was talking with me, but I botched it kinda by talking too much. Ah well, he's just a friend and if I keep reminding myself that then I'll be fine.

 

I treated myself to a warm, very long shower today and a deluxe dinner with all my favorite foods, but it doesn't feel right that i'm doing that for me. I've been reflecting my feelings through writing recently, but it seems like something or someone is missing who should be sharing those experiences. And now I'm in bed, waiting for a friend to call but knowing how unlikely that is. I don't want to have to make an effort to be heard, I just don't.

 

The world around me is filled with people who are dealing with their own problems, and everyone has them, yet i feel like I'm the only one. I deliberately took the browbeatings of a lot of people who I knew hated me... because I needed to feel anger instead of sad, whether that's normal, I don't know.

 

I'm not really sure what's up with me today. There has been no rhyme nor reason to my behavior, it just is. I could easily lash out at one person while at the same time crying for another, and it's confusing me. I hope tomorrow is better... tomorrow is my haircut, or maybe Wednesday if they're booked. I'll feel better about myself, at least.

 

Make up your mind, dedem. Do you want a friend or no? That's what my brain is telling me, I'm giving some people space while others it's becoming increasingly hard to not contact. At the same time, there isn't a person in this world who can help me in finding what I want, and what that is I don't know and can't tell.

 

I'm in a bit of a poetry mood tonight, to express my feelings on the tangibility yet intangibility of happiness. But of course, I have an English assignment on poems about being a child. I'm starting to hate my English assignments... first she has us read a poem on not picking apart poems, then tells us to analyze the literal crap out of every poem in our book. I like reading poetry just to read it, not to think of all the silly little things that go on in it. My writing is natural, I rarely need to know what it's called when something sounds good. But English professors will be English professors, if it's not done the way they want then it's not done right. Such is life.

 

Tonight is a night to reminisce, I'm thinking, on my life and all the things which I can and cannot stand about it. But I am tired, i just want sleep.. sleep or a friend or no one but myself. I'm not just physically tired anymore, I'm emotionally and spiritually drained, but I'm still writing... I came here to take a break from my story, it's getting too hard to write.

 

In the short time of 2-3 years, I've had only 4 very bad relationships as far as relationships go. Before that, it was either one or a million. And now this, what feels like another turning point... either none or more. -sigh- i don't even know what I'm writing anymore, so i guess this is goodnight.

 

Oh, and my song? Bach's Prelude, no. 5. It helps me to focus my mind, but in doing so turns my emotions loose into the world, if that makes sense.

Link:

 

I'm not angry, sad, or happy, or scared, or any number of emotions... I'm all of them when I hear this song. If it helps anyone else, great, if not, it's still here for me whenever I need it, because that is what this journal is really for. For me to get my emotions out, and for me to look back and say "here's what went wrong."

 

Night

~D~

[dedem]

Stop talking, stop talking for the love of god STOP TALKING

 

I have once again put my foot in my mouth. Or rather, been doing that all day. Best friend came back online finally, but she has a really bad root canal. Somehow we ended up talking about clothing... and I kind of made it awkward. ](*,) Now she likely thinks I quickly said goodnight because I don't wanna talk, I do, but I've nothing to say that'll be in the least bit interesting.

 

It's not just with her, either. Today when E came by I looked at the ground and wouldn't look at him when he was talking, so finally he left. And then, during lunch period I started dancing for no reason, and everyone looked as if I was nutso. -sigh-

 

I need to learn to stop talking when I'm in 'social failure' mode, which was all of today. I feel like I'm regressing a bit into a high schooler...

 

:splat: Someone ought to throw a tomato at me when I'm about to make a huge mistake people-wise. It might solve a lot of problems.

 

Anyway, I don't really have much to write about my day, it wasn't good but it wasn't bad. I am taking a stand more when need be, but I have to learn to relax and just let the conversation come, I can't do that around people I like right now.

 

Tomorrow I have so much work to be doing... hopefully i'll get through a lot of it tonight.

 

I've been watching documentaries on unsolved serial murders, if it's weird, oh well. I found an awesome song at the end of the Jack The Ripper one, but unfortunately it was composed just for that one documentary, so I've got nothing as my song. Meh.

 

Hopefully by this time tomorrow I'll have gotten out of this immature, self-aware mood that I'm in, and will be able to handle whatever life throws at me without fear of any sort of problem.

 

~dedem

[dedem]

My Brain Died... So I Started Talking in Other Languages

 

Today was a weird day for me. I spent much of it studying for finals (and much of last night), but then this morning when someone asked me a simple question I responded in Latin. My brain is so fried, I'm forgetting my original language. However, I didn't forget my favorite language, so as a kind of prank I responded wherever I could in German. In the long run, probably not good on the helping to clear the "lunatic" vibe, but whatever. I need to brush up on conversational German, I'm getting rusty.

 

I've been in an on off bad mood today, as well. Left and right, i'm picking fights, many of which are just simply foolish. -sigh- My exhaustion has beaten my brain to a pulp, I'm not as quick as I would have been to decide whether or not something should be said. I'll likely be sleeping at 8 tonight, if I get this last passage done. Horace, why musty you be so long winded and descriptive...

 

Maybe tomorrow I'll catch some sleep, but likely not. I need to work in the conservatory greenhouse after school, and that means wheelbarrow upon wheelbarrow of soil, plants, fertilizers... I may enjoy getting covered in dirt, but it's a lot of work. My boss wants the new conservatory just right, so in essence it's just scutwork for me because I didn't help to lay out what should go where. If done right though, it'll attract more customers to the landscaping aspect of the nursery.

 

It's increasingly hard for me to focus lately, even on schoolwork. I'm only here because I kept drifting off during the lines I was translating and decided I needed a break. Yuck, that'll take all of my free period tomorrow. -long winded sigh-

 

Today's song is in German, but I'll copypasta a translation.

 

Rammstein-Spieluhr

 

A small person just pretends to die

(it) wanted to be completely alone

the small heart stood still for hours

so they declared it dead

it is buried in wet sand

with a music box in its hand

 

The first snow that covered the grave

woke the child very gently

in a cold winter night

the small heart is awakened

 

As the frost flew into the child

it wound up the music box

a melody in the wind

and the child sings from the ground

 

Bumpety bump, rider

and no angel climbs down

my heart does not beat any longer

only the rain cries at the grave

Bumpety bump, rider

a melody in the wind

my heart does not beat any longer

and the child sings from the ground

 

The cold moon, in full magnificence

hears the cries in the night

and no angel climbs down

only the rain cries at the grave

 

Between hard oak boards

it will play with the music box

a melody in the wind

and the child sings from the ground

 

Bumpety bump, rider

and no angel climbs down

my heart does not beat anymore

only the rain cries on the grave

up and down, rider

a melody in the wind

my heart does not beat anymore

and the child sings from the ground

 

Bumpety bump, rider

my heart does not beat any longer

 

they heard this melody from the cemetery]

then they unearthed it

they saved the small heart in the child

 

Bumpety bump, rider

a melody in the wind

my heart does not beat any longer

and the child sings on the ground

Bumpety bump, rider

and no angel climbs down

my heart does not beat any longer

only the rain cries at the grave

It's a bad translation, but I'm not bothering. This song makes me happy-sad, a good emotion for when one is working with poetry, it's flexible.

 

There are no more angels. That saying keeps ringing in my ears, I guess maybe my story can have a little work added to it. Later though. Goodnight, sleep tight, and don't let the demons bite.

 

≈D≈

[dedem]

New Hair=Confident Woman

 

The math is simple. Girls who are depressed right now due to a break up, I would personally pay for each and every one of you to have a nice spa day and to get your hair done. Why? Because if you think you look pretty, your confidence soars. I got my hair cut and styled today, I now look kind of like a cross between Elliot Reid and Jordan. And for it, I'm now extremely happy. I'm even going out tonight, and might get approached by guys, who knows. But if not, I don't care, because I still love my hair. ^.^

 

Anyway, that's all I have to say for right now, things have been slow lately. My song for the day is Funkytown by Lipps Inc. Why? Because it's stuck in my head...

 

I'm not going to bother posting lyrics. Instead, i feel like dancing... meh, tonight might be a good night after all.

[dedem]

Am I Really So Different?

 

I don't know what's wrong with me. I was happy on Saturday, happy on Sunday, and happy Monday and Tuesday. But then today... I just couldn't get out of bed. I stayed in bed, all day, and refused to talk to anyone except my best friend, and even that was maybe for five seconds. And now tonight, it's catching up to me, all those thoughts I repressed for the past half a week.

 

I was watching Scrubs, but then I realized. None of that is real, the likelihood of me being friends with any guy I've dated is zero, because break-ups are so unbearably messy that I either never want to see someone again, or they never want to see me again. I've never heard of any real life story of two people breaking up, but remaining close for years.

 

Then I think on why I can't keep a relationship... and yes, that's a bad path to go down, but I'm wondering whether it's just my personality in the end, and if that's so... I don't know how to change that, nor do I know how to be someone who I'm not. I'm so scared that I won't live to see another relationship, it's almost pathetic, I'm clinging to the scant few people who I'm friends with, just hoping someone will come along.

 

It doesn't matter anymore what I look like. Guys who are worth a damn aren't that shallow, they want a girl with a decent personality who is nice and quiet, and I'm just not that, nor am I attractive enough to get away with being me.

 

I want people who I'm close with to see the side of me that's worth loving, but I can't show that to the world. I just can't. So maybe all my fears are correct, I'm not going to find someone, I'm just so different... I don't even know how anymore, because all I'm doing is being me.

 

I think that I do want God or some other force to just end the world already. I'm not in any sort of shape or mood to live, but I'm too spineless to kill myself. It would solve the world's problems, if the world just stopped already. People can't destroy what they can't touch, nor can they kill what's already dead. Personalities mean nothing if there's an afterlife, because this way of thinking people keep adopting will be recognized as bad. If people would just open their eyes and hearts to the world around them, all this petty crap which is currently smothering people like me would vanish, and sadly, the end may be the only end to that.

 

I hate this thinking of mine, but what's the use hiding? This is a journal. I owe nothing to no one. I can only hope, that by talking to others who are in my situation, I can help someone somewhere to get back into their lives.

 

If I'm going to die tomorrow, I want to be happy knowing only one thing, that someone else is living because of me. If only I could know for sure.

 

So many songs in my head... Joshua Radin's closer, Lifehouse's Broken, but namely this song.

 

Maybe someone out there is happy and perfectly content with life, with no regrets. If so, then they've every right for that happiness. But I've never had a right to happiness, I knew that the day I met my best friend that even she deserved it more than me. It's the same for all of my extremely close friends, their happiness is not my happiness, but they deserve it nevertheless.

 

If I find, if I find my way, how much will I find...?

 

-d

[dedem]

I Don't Think This Place Is Helping Much

 

If anything, it's making me sadder. I don't feel like I belong here, and I can't seem to find a niche anywhere else either. I'm not happy with the little I have, but to have more is to be greedy. I wish my friends could be around more, but they rarely are. I've tried to find entertainment for myself, but it's so tediously boring that I can't be amused by it, it's just too easy for me.

 

I keep thinking over and over in my head one simple quote from Black Butler which won't leave me alone. "I'm afraid once something is truly lost it can never be gotten back again." Never truer has a statement been said. There's also a bit of advice which I could take, but it doesn't apply to me because unlike others, I cannot just create strength out of nothing. According to Sebastian, Ciel is special because although he is hurt and angry, all he needs to move on is to turn that into strength, which he does.

 

That's good and well for the rest of the world, but I neither want to let go of my ails nor do I want to keep them with me at all times. I've tried so many times to help people, and gotten little to nothing in return. I think I'm better off giving up on them, because my way of advice hurts more than heals anyway.

 

My story that I'm writing is coming along beautifully, but my best friend hasn't been on in two days since she got her tooth capped. I'm writing it for me, but I can't show it to anyone else but her because no one understands me like she does. And yet, she has her boyfriend, so that's all she really needs. A friend with problems is not something that would make her happy, so I've stepped back. I can't even discuss fears because I'm worried it will stress her. If only she knew though, how much I'm willing to give up so that she won't cry. At least I have the comfort of knowing that even when her boyfriend makes her sad, I have done my best to try and help her.

 

I doubt that I'll continue looking for love. I can't let go of my past because my past has someone I care deeply for in it, who taught me who I was. I made a foolish mistake though, and burned that bridge. So no, I won't be placing my happiness over anyone else's. Unlike so many others, I saw what mattered wasn't me and I never want to loose that.

 

I suppose that tomorrow I can just sleep, and dream. It's not worth my time to try and help others, but it's not worth my sanity to hurt anyone. Sleep heals everything that's broken, as does time.

 

-d

[dedem]

Be Yourself Is All That You Can Do

 

I'm getting so tired of breaking down and crying. I've gone through my life up to now, tomorrow will come fast enough. A few hours isn't an eternity, it's a second, and I know that everyone has those moments where time seems to flow faster, but it's like that for me every day now. I'm wondering if fate or god or whatever really does know our futures and our choices, and that everything we choose is an illusion of itself.

 

I dislike this stagnation, even if it's time. It just keeps going by, but like before I've stopped. I don't really have too much of an interest in anything, because everything I do I've always done. The only time I feel like myself is when something fast paced is happening that's unstoppable, whether it's a hurricane or a flood or a friend in need or a sport where there's absolutely no thinking, I need to be on my feet if I'm to be happy. But when I get like this... I'm not on my feet. I'm lying on a bed in the middle of Connecticut suffocated by the humid air of early summer. If I get up, I start thinking, because that's all I have to do.

 

They say that sad things are the cause of depression. That's just not true in my eyes. It's boredom, plain and simple, because when you are bored you tend to think more and more about the things that plague your mind. That's why you never see a person crying and playing a game, or doing much of anything but crying.

 

But what is there to do that I haven't already done that I can do right now? I know what I want to do. But money and time are fixed concepts, hard to comprehend as that seems it's true. If I haven't the money to do something, I haven't the ability to do it. And sure, you can always tell me that I can try my best, but the fact of the matter is that everything is easier when you have money. Otherwise the homeless would be living in mansions and I'd be able to travel... for as long as I live if I want.

 

And if time is saying that it's too early for me to get out, that I need a stable future before I start letting it pass by slowly so I can enjoy myself, then time is absolute as usual. Sometimes I get the sense that even though I'm meant to do whatever I want to do, there's more that has a stake in the future then just me. And then I hear in my head, "oh really? You're just figuring that out?" Now I know how artists of all kinds feel. They can tell that they are meant for so much more than paper and other materialistic things. Which reminds me, tonight I'm going in support of many of my more artistic friends to an artistic showcase and music competition...

 

One of my hugest regrets is never learning an art that I loved. Maybe because I was constantly being told by a teacher that I wasn't good enough, or maybe I just can't follow through. I don't know. But that's one thing I will be making my possible children learn, they can try as many as they want until they find one they love, but they must do something in way of skill or talent. They could just be like me, and have talent in the way of writing.

 

The world would be so much better if everyone thought the way artists did. But there are very many rational minded people, people who think the world will end if chaos should reign. Let it end, it will be something new at the very least!

 

A comic I once read portrayed the hopes of a young artist, and how she constantly felt stifled by the confines of a small box of paper. Until one day a cat came along, and told her to stop crying, because it had something to show her. It took her outside the small box and into an endless world, and then made her see. There aren't supposed to be any limitations on her soul and how much she could do.

 

But, as amazing as that story is, it's just not true in this society. If you want to be successful, you wear a suit all day for 5-6 days a week and you run around like a dog on a track for a man or woman who probably should not ever have that kind of power. I've seen it entrap a lot of my friends, finally being chained to a job. At least working in the greenhouse doesn't restrain you 100%, and if I should own my own... well then that's all good and well, because then the only person I'm running around for is me. And a bunch of plants, but they aren't going to fire me if one of them should get sickly.

 

I'm into Audioslave today. Maybe that's the source of my mood, but maybe it could just be that for once I'm not hiding anything from anyone.

 

Be Yourself

 

Someone falls to pieces

Someone kills the pain

Spinning in the silence

She finally drifts away

Someone gets excited

In a chapel yard

And catches a bouquet

Another lays a dozen

White roses on a grave

Yeah...

 

And to be yourself is all that you can do

Hey...

To be yourself is all that you can do

 

Someone finds salvation in everyone

Another only pain

Someone tries to hide himself

Down inside himself he prays

Someone swears his true love

Until the end of time

Another runs away

Separate or united

Healthy or insane

 

And to be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)

Yeah..

To be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)

 

To be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)

Hey...

Be yourself is all that you can do

 

Even when you've paid enough

Been put upon or been held up

With every single memory of

The good or bad, faces of luck

Don't lose any sleep tonight

I'm sure everything will end up alright

You may win or lose

 

But to be yourself is all that you can do

Yeah...

To be yourself is all that you can do

 

Ohhh...

To be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)

Ohhh...

To be yourself is all that you can do( all that you can do)

To be yourself is all that you can-

Be yourself is all that you can-

Be yourself is all that you can do

 

I wonder what one who doesn't know themselves can do. There are so many people in this world with different stories. Some are happy and normal, some live bumpy lives. Some grow up poor but in a strong family, others grow up rich and in a dysfunctional family, and vice versa. Some people haven't talked to their parents in years, some can't let their parents go. Everyone though is the hero of their own story.

 

And what's my story? Simple. I'm a middle-class woman in Connecticut. Well, that's not true, I was a girl first. On the outside, my life looks normal. On the inside and looking in, it's not. It's the same for someone else.

 

You never know though, someone might be on the outside looking in, and that person is someone you never ever want to loose. Because as a friend, they are the only ones besides you who understand you.

 

I miss my best friend. I should call her tonight, instead of texting.

 

-d

[dedem]

What Do You Do When You Loose Everything?

 

You rebuild. It's as simple as that. I've been struggling on and off for several days with all kinds of mishaps, including having my laptop charger crash my laptop (I'm on my PC) and getting into small fights with the people I care for. I wish I didn't have to go to that bridal shower on Saturday, because if I had refused to go then I would both have been able to go to her memorial day party and the parade, thus keeping my social world from collapsing. My family doesn't really need me to be at every occasion, and I barely knew the cousin. So now I'm wondering if I made a mistake.

 

Not really sure what else to say today, I had started this same post before my laptop died with a better mood, now I'm in a terrible mood and have since forgotten what I was going to say.

 

Lately I've been obsessed with lethal fires... and the station fire terrifies me to no end. As always, I don't ignore what I fear. So if you think you can stomach it, look up the one way bar rhode island video, it documents in full the horrifying events of that night. Those poor people... and all because the building had no sprinkler system and the man who was working pyrotechnics did so without permission.

 

-d