'The wham your head into a wall and run around in circles' journal

[dedem]

I Want Him Out Of My Life

 

For all you doing NC, if you go past a couple months, just spare yourself the trouble and keep doing it well past recovery, unless you're sure you know the person. It'll only open old wounds if it turns out your ex was not who you thought he was. Even if your ex is the one who contacts you first, don't respond unless you know what you're getting into. I'm regretting breaking NC as I type this, and I want Old Ex gone from my life. I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

 

I'm debating whether to just switch on the strong tough girl mode and tell him to f-off instead of seeing me tomorrow, or to be nice and let him talk just to 'catch up' before saying goodbye forever. Part of me knows i'm not strong enough to tell him off, but part of me hates the sight of him and really wants to cut him off from my life. His emails aren't helping me, they're only reinforcing the hurt and anger I felt towards him... and thought I lost. He wants to go back to meebo, our old aim haunting grounds, which I've both blocked and deleted him from. I don't want to re-add him only to delete him, and I don't feel like getting internet responses from him which I know I can easily use to fight. I gave him a firm no and told him that if we talk, it will be in person tomorrow. And I'm turning the protective shell on, if anything just to prevent myself from further ripping out the stitches I laid in place.

 

I'm really angry at myself as well, for not being 100% over him when I thought I was and contacting him at a vulnerable time. I thought he'd be my friend, or at least try and be there, but he's changed so much that the only way he really wants to be there is over the internet. I was in no way trying to rekindle an old spark, I'm done with that and men in general for awhile. I was looking for a friend who would not tell everyone my secrets. Nothing more, nothing less. Instead I got an emotionally insecure frat boy who keeps insinuating that I want to get back together (though he masks it well, I can tell by his responses). He knows he's gonna have to see me or stand me up, so he's probably going to go the 'run off' route. Fine, he can stand me up. He's the one who asked to see me in the first place and I very well could have kept ignoring him for all time.

 

If I scare the living daylights out of him like his behavior shows, then good. There's a good chance that if he shows up and says the wrong thing, he gets a kick to the crotch and a "f-you now leave me alone." It's taken a lot out of me to realize that the reason I'm hurting over New Ex's break up is because of my not being over him. Now that I'm aware this pain is STILL him, I want him to be just gone. It's hard to stomach that he's changed, and so I'm back to being sick again, plus a number of problems.

 

I think that I didn't see New Ex in New Ex. Because of that yes, the relationship failed. I saw Old Ex, from the way New Ex loved building to his passive-aggressive approach towards life, and somehow fell for him when I really should have kept my distance until I was ready to ask him out. I also should have told M not to tell him until I've finished getting over Old Ex, or told her that we will get to know each other before going into a relationship. But no, I was still wounded from Old Ex and didn't see it coming. Well this old gal has learned her lesson, if you want to rebound then either don't get connected or know the person well first.

 

I really don't know what I should do. This is killing me to think about, because yes, I want to talk to him just once more. But I also know that if I do it's gonna be a whole bunch more pain and agony, and I just can't have that. I can't trust a single man, and it's all because I was stupid enough to fall for someone who barely even knew what love was. I want a boyfriend who I can trust, and no amount of positive attitude is going to change those around me. As I've said, I have a bad habit of falling for the bad fits. It's now 3 relationships that ended with no warning, no attempt at trying to make things work, no talking things over. Just a random message or phone call one day telling me that things aren't working out and that we should split.

 

I see on TV, even in Eliot Reid's similar-to-mine relationships, that the guy first TALKS to the girl or vise versa. If something isn't right, s/he sits the other down and tells them about it, tells them there's a side they aren't seeing, or a lack in communication, or just some little flaw that can be sewn. There's never any just up and go unless the guy/girl has a good reason (usually cheating). My past relationships, with the exception of that horrid Old Ex, all ended with no real good reason, just the guy making excuses.

 

I've never even broken up with a guy who didn't cheat on me. Never, not once, because I don't have the stones. I hate my life right now, and I hate what I have to do in order to get momentary happiness. I hate my body, I hate my face, and I hate everything. Yes, this is a rage fest, because I just don't know what to feel right now and every time I get that stupid little "ding" alerting me to an email my heart dies a little more. I want to cut him off, but I don't want to. I wish I could tell him this, but he'd only resent me more and I'd only end up hating him more. I'm able to forgive and forget only if my exes leave me alone, but I severely underestimated how much attachment I had to my Old Ex and all those lies. I spent 4 years building that personality and getting a guy like him, but it wasn't me. I'm not just a sweet, sensitive quiet college girl, and I will be loud and out there when I feel like it. 4 years building that side of me, and now I can't get rid of it. I love the side, but I can't be basing every single relationship i have on lies, but there's not a single guy out there who gets that I am two people. That probably sounded insane, I don't really care because to me, it's true. I have the two personalities that I love, but no way of incorporating them into each other. So it's like separate people, but what kind of guy is going to think of me as anything more than a psychopath were I to disclose everything about me? I just want the lies to end so I can have a normal relationship someday.

 

Dedem is in more trouble then she bargained for. Letting all her crazy out here is having mixed results. I'll let you know how it all goes tomorrow.

[dedem]

It's All Good In The Hood

 

For now. It's a lovely day, sunny and lukewarm, with no bugs. Perfect weather for gardening. I'm seeing my old ex tonight, but if he sends me an e-mail today and I stress over it, I'm forcing myself to go out. That's the thing about plants, they can't hurt you unless you're not careful. They're calming, too.

 

Here's a couple pictures of my babies that i'm going to be planting in a month. -fails at adding images-

 

 

 

 

So far I've got so many plants, I can't even remember how many. Those right there are just the basics-impatiens, parsley, assorted coleuses, petunias, and my personal favorite (and triumpth) little tiny baby dianthuses. I've got plants everywhere right now, some full grown, some bulbs I'm starting... I just love plants in general and so does my mother.

 

Anyhow, I'm feeling better today. Not a lot, but better. I did see New Ex today. I did get all flustered. I stopped myself and then ignored him the rest of lunch hour. His sister annoys me, and I've just realized that. She talks way too much... and to everyone but me, it's like she's best friends with her brother, which is weird. But whatever, not my life anymore.

 

I really need to go outside and just forget my worries. I never loved New Ex, and since I've realized that I'm feeling better by the day. Tonight however I may not feel so good.

 

Will post updates later. For now, song time.

 

I will give you the link to this song since it's so well, peaceful. This is my mood whenever I'm with plants, a calm sort of peace which can only be found when you let the world go.

 

Godsmack-Serenity

 

 

As I sit here

And slowly close my eyes

I take another deep breath

And feel the wind pass through my body

 

I'm the one in your soul

Reflecting inner light

Protect the ones who hold you

Cradling your energy

 

I need serenity

In a place where I can hide

I need serenity

Nothing changes, days go by

 

Where do we go when we just don't know

And how do we relight the flame when it's cold?

Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing

And when will we learn to control?

 

Tragic visions

Slowly stole my life

Tore away everything

Cheating me out of my time

 

I'm the one who loves you

No matter wrong or right

And every day I hold you

I hold you with my energy

 

I need serenity

In a place where I can hide

I need serenity

Nothing changes, days go by

 

Where do we go when we just don't know

And how do we relight the flame when it's cold

Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing

And when will we learn to control?

(x2)

 

I need serenity

Where do we go when we just don't know

I need serenity

And how do we relight the flame when it's cold

I need serenity

Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing?

I need serenity

And when will we learn to control?

 

This is a more calm dedem, signing out.

[dedem]

Never, EVER, Again

 

Old Ex can go pee up a rope. That was the most horrible hour and a half of my life. And now he wants to forget all about me and pretend we never were because he was ashamed to be with me. I try to get a decent conversation going, he moves it straight on to my relationship and my issues. I say I want to start up a few flings this spring break, he tells me it's not a good idea and that I shouldn't be trying to get guys anyway, since I'm 'beyond the age' of a successful relationship. Then he cops out and says no more, not even a once in awhile keep in touch until we stop altogether. No desire to be friends, at all.

 

F*** him. I hope he's depressed now, I left him abruptly at the door with a "I'd say it was swell, but we both know that's not true. Goodbye." I will not stand there and be treated like that. He wanted to see me only to make things worse on me by telling me we can't even have a once in like, a year talk. Too busy with friends, school, ect. to make time to the girl who he coerced pictures out of, pictures I'm not proud of and never will be. I cried for one long month over him, forced myself to stay away.. and now am being treated like a dog. I hate him. I didn't want it to come to that, but if you don't even have the common decency to remain friends after YOU asked to remain friends then you do not deserve my affection. Be straight with me, or go away, but don't play me.

 

What I can't believe is that he contacted me... just to do that. I responded, so I'm just as at fault, but it's just a little unfair. Why oh why am I not over him... he's a douche and a horrible person now.

 

Never again will I repeat this mistake: do NOT break NC unless you're sure of your ex. Lesson learned, chapter closed, not a single tear shed. Yet.

 

The song I want to show you is so violent I doubt I'll be able to post it without getting in trouble. I'm so angry at him... so angry at men in general. Most of you at some time have done something to some girl, all of you are guilty of it. Even if it's just sitting her down and breaking her heart. How am I one of the few people who actually is straight in a relationship? I've never, not once cheated. I've always been straight with a guy, and always have been the one to ask. I can't say it's the same for any of the guys I've dated before. Either they cheat, lie, or simply just aren't clear with what they want. And leave either me or some other girl heartbroken and very, very wrathful.

 

I hope he got that I hate him. I didn't flat out and say it, I'm too nice for that. But I hinted, and I didn't look at him the entire time. No touching, either, not even a hug. I managed to shut myself down from him and his poison. Now that he's gone for good, I should just be relieved. But I'm not.

 

Which just goes to show, I'm weak. I don't have the courage to tell anyone how I really feel if I'm face to face with them. If he was online, sure. I'd be able to put up a brick wall, slam him with insults, and leave him with confidence. But he had me so hooked when I was with him, so wrapped around his finger, that the moment I see him all that hate still goes straight to goop (with a k, it's a swear? What?) . Oh well. He e-mails me or comes calling again, and I'm not going to hang back. This is my life now. I will live it without him, without anyone but me. It's a lonely life, but that's what I'm destined for.

 

I told you guys of the motherly personality, right now she's my only comfort, besides my best friend who isn't online. Where is a bag of chocolates when you need them...

 

Here's today's third choice, since second choice is too violent/filled with swears.

 

Apocolyptica- I don't care

 

I try to make it through this life

In my way there's you

I try to make through these lies

And that's all I do

 

Just don't deny it

Don't try to fight this

Deal with it

That's just part of it

 

If you were dead or still alive

I don't care

I don't care

Just go and leave this all behind

'Cos I swear

I don't care

 

Try to make you see my side

I always try to stay in line

But your eyes see right through

That's all they do

 

I'm getting buried in this place

There's no room

You're in my space

Don't say anything just go away

 

If you were dead or still alive

I don't care

I don't care

Just go and leave this all behind

Cos I swear

I don't care

 

I'm changing everything

Because you won't be there for me

I'm changing everything

Because you won't be there for me

 

If you were dead or still alive

I don't care

I don't care

Just go and leave this all behind

Cos I swear

I swear

I don't care

(x3)

 

At all...

 

I want to get my anger out... I really do... I just hope the next person I come accross irl is not important/doesn't matter, because I've seriously reached my breaking point. I go one step forward in life, but then fall three steps back. I'm debating being on medication again, if anything just to lessen the pain... there's only so much company I can give myself.

 

If only I knew whether he was upset or not. Upset, fine, mission accomplished now let me die. Not upset? Then he's an arse, and I'm a fool for ever falling for his tricks. He never really cared about me, and now he's saying he just wants to forget about the relationship. Then barely managed to squeeze in a 'not you, just the relationship.'

 

It's the same dang thing. You forget about the time we had together, you forget about me. I hope you die. I hope you get hit by a bus for doing this. Or better yet... just be miserable. Because I sure am, and this is a wound that hasn't healed. I f***ed up that last relationship because I wasn't over you. I almost f***ed my life up because of you. For it, I at least deserve some form of apology, but you are such a shameless bastard that you show up all wannabe cool and then rub salt in the wounds. Is this fun to you? You won't get tears. You won't get anything but my f-you, f-off and here's a crotch kick that you've been deserving all your life, you gigantic arrogant arse! Pretend like you care. Pretend like you gave a s***. That's fine, because I SURE AS F*** DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

 

Never again. Never ever f***ing again.

 

/rant that I've been dying to tell him but can't. Goodnight all, I'll post if I'm not too depressed tomorrow... maybe.

 

-dedem

[dedem]

Honestly, All Us Girls Seem To Do Is Gossip

 

IRL friends, don't speak to me about New Ex any further. I don't want to know what he's doing, I don't want to know what he's saying, I don't even want to know what he's wearing.

 

M came up to me today and told me that New Ex has found someone new. Good, they can both go to Heck together. Maybe meet Satan and get commemorative T-shirts. It's painful to me to know he's with someone new so fast when he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship, but why am I surprised? He's a man, and men lie to women. It's just the way life is. I'm fairly certain he didn't want me to cry and then get angry at him, so lying's the next best thing.

 

It's her problem now, whether he keeps her or dumps her. I'm starting to forget his home, his family, everything about him, because I still know in my heart that what I felt for him was no more real then what people feel for inanimate objects. I saw the warning signs. And in the end, he wasn't there for me.

 

My definition of friend, maybe even partner, is the one who is always there for you when you need him/her without you having to ask. I had to ask him for just about anything I needed. He was never there at the end of the day, ready to rub my shoulders and tell me that even though life is hard, it'll be okay. I was the one being there for him, which just isn't right if he didn't return the favor.

 

I think I will be able to determine who 'the one' is based on much of that up there. The one is the guy who hugs you and holds your hand without you asking or hugging/touching him first. The one is the guy who stops and listens to your issues. He's the guy who doesn't force things, doesn't try to get into your pants quickly, and doesn't be kind to you just because he wants to be in a relationship. And sometimes, he's the guy who's right under your nose. But for me, I just have to keep looking, and have to keep going, because one day there will be a guy like that who will surprise me out of the blue.

 

I sometimes wish I was in a different country and of a different ethnicity. In some Latino cultures, for example, the guy tries his hardest to woo the girl he wants. Love letters, love songs, anything he can think of to try and convince the girl he's a suitable match. In some parts of Japan/China, the parents set up dates and introduce their girl to dozens of guys hoping to find them a love interest. Even the French have ways of courting.

 

But us Americans? 50% of the time, the guy takes her to a second rate restaurant and a boring, unfunny comedy movie at a drive through, or some party where they all try to get her drunk. Then uses her as a means of competing against other guys. If she isn't suitable, out the door with her and onto a prettier looking gal.

 

I know this isn't true in many cases, but in high school/college, that's the norm. It is nearly impossible to find a guy who won't do that, and even then the guys who seem nice often are just wishing they could be like the obnoxious ones.

 

I don't see how some people find love so early, but then again American divorce rates are really high. It's this rush we feel to find a mate when really, we're lucky because we don't have guys being thrown at us by crotchety old parents who want offspring. So what is this rush? I'm 19, not sure about children, not sure about marriage, and not really wanting to decide right now. Half the girls from my old town are already married, some of them not married, and most of them pregnant by my age. Some didn't even finish high school because of their urge to breed/find love.

 

What's wrong with me, or wrong with them, that I somehow manage to still be a virgin and still be looking for love? Am I just part of the 20% who are alone forever, and this is how we all think? Or are they so set on being what society/their hormones tells them to be that they completely screwed their life over for a little love?

 

I don't know. The world is weird. Just hoping it won't take me down with it when it finally collapses.

 

My song today is one that uplifts my spirits, because it makes me think of all my friends. Don't ask how.

 

Here's a link, if you want to listen to it:

 

It starts slow, but then gets fast.

 

I'm not the same as yesterday

Ooooh

It's hard to explain how things have changed

But I'm not the same as before

 

I know there's so much more ahead

I can barely believe that I'm here

We won't surrender quietly

Step up and watch me

 

Break down

You really want it?

Wanna make a scene

Show me what you mean

Let's get it started

Let me see what you got, can you pick it up a notch?

Don't think you got it

Can't handle the pressure at all

Stop talking about it

Time to make this count

Let's go

 

When we move we camouflage ourselves

We stand in the shadows waiting

We live, for this and nothing more

We are what you created

 

I can feel the storm winds have changed

Ooooh

'Cos we're worlds apart, but just the same

But we won't leave the way that we came

I know there's so much more ahead

I can barely believe that I'm here

We won't surrender quietly

Step up and watch me

 

Break down

You really want it?

Wanna make a scene

Show me what you mean

Let's get it started

Let me see what you got, can you pick it up a notch?

Don't think you got it

Can't handle the pressure at all

Stop talking about it

Time to make this count

Let's go

 

When we move we camouflage ourselves

We stand in the shadows waiting

We live, for this and nothing more

We are what you created

Are you ready, are you ready, are you ready for me?

Are you ready, are you ready, are you ready

To sing?

 

When we move we camouflage ourselves

We stand in the shadows waiting

We live, for this and nothing more

We are what you created

(x3)

 

Something about that song gets my blood fired up and my head set on happier times in the future. I should make a music video to it.

 

Tomorrow is the day I recite Marcus Antony's speech. Gotta study for that.

 

All you stay strong. -dedem

[dedem]

Love Is Like A Butterfly, Hold It Too Tight, You Crush It.

 

Too loose, and it flies away. I don't know how to hold onto my love.

 

Old Ex-Too tight, I wasn't giving him enough freedom. New Ex-too loose, too caught up in old feelings to really make an effort. Neither one worked. I need to be neither possessive nor too unconcerned with those I love, I know I have a shield up right now, but it's a wise word for the future me.

 

I wish I knew how other couples do it. I watch daily the real loves unfolding, I see how they just let things be. If the boy screws up, there is no long term grudge. If the girl screws up, no fuss there either. Just forgiveness, and yet plenty of trust to mend whatever's broken. I hate being so emotionally uneducated, it's not as simple as just going with it for me. Plus I have so many paranoias now that it'll make for some serious problems down the line...

 

I'm mostly worried about guys feeding me lines in an attempt to get me. Every guy I've ever been in some form of relationship with, be it friendship or love, told me I'm an amazing, strong woman who's got her life together. Part of me acknowledges this is at least half true. But the part of me I listen too far more often then I should tells me that it's all just lines said to make me happy, lines said to get me.

 

When I mentioned this to Old Ex, he vehemently denied it. Does this mean guilt? I don't know. I'm over-analyzing and letting my emotions slowly drive me insane again. I just can't accept the possibility of idle coincidences in my relationships for some reason. Either it's my fault, or its theirs.

 

I want to expand my horizon to include guys I ordinarily wouldn't even try to get to know, the nerdy sort of funny guys mostly. The only kind of guy I won't consider are the full-on clear as day jerks, because those relationships last all of one week. I figure the reason I'm getting the same results over and over is because I go for the same general type of guy and that just never ends well.

 

-sigh- Emotions keep changing. Hello hormones. I think I need a long bath, to heal my shot nerves.

 

So long, I won't be posting another song until tomorrow.

 

-dedem

[dedem]

Forbidden Fruits Are Forbidden For A Reason

 

So now New Ex is being open about this new relationship of his. Talking about seeing her this afternoon in my presence, ect. I hid the pain as I normally do, and pretended I didn't care. I kinda like the little jealousy that flashes in his eyes when me and E mock-fight at lunch, though E is nothing more than a friend, if that to me. That's the feeling I've been feeling, and then I realized.

 

Just as in Scrubs, this isn't love. This is wanting what I can't have. Everyone, even girls, feel it. We think we're crazy about a person still when they're off the table, without once thinking of the little things which define love. And if I somehow manage to get him back, I will only end up hurting him after realizing what I'm about to tell you.

 

I like the fact that he's quiet and just him all the time. I like the fact that he can ignore the world. I even like the fact that he makes faces to express what he's really thinking. But I don't love them. To be any more than friends would be bad for both of us.

 

Maybe, in a few years if we're still talking, we have a chance. But right now, my feelings for him just aren't anything more then little friend crush feelings. He'll be happy with her. And if not, he'll dump her and move on way faster then everyone else. I'm assuming it's facebook b****, good for him. Smart choice, she'll either hurt him or he'll hurt her in the end.

 

It'll kill me if he has a long term relationship with her, but I won't let him see it. Once he's systematically deleted from my mind though, I'll be fine.

 

For now, I can't stop obsessing over the facts. He dumped me saying we weren't compatible after trying to push for a strong relationship. He got together with this pretty looking chick who puts herself out there. He stays with her for more than a few months, it means he was only using me until he could find someone who was more attractive. My self confidence is so shot, I don't know what to do if that's the real case. He doesn't seem to care at all that I'm around, if anything it annoys him a little. But I can't give up now... not yet anyway. Things can only get worse, I know. When I've lost everything, my school, my family, my friends, and my sanity, then I'll let myself go down that road. Until then, pessimism and worry are my only emotions.

 

I have to keep reminding myself that if he didn't want to be in my presence, he'd of left the table. He's a loner type, so it wouldn't be a problem.

 

Why am I still searching for answers... I closed the door of Old Ex, to walk straight through New Ex's door and out again. I thought I'd see him again, last I saw him... goddangit mind, leave me alone.

 

New song, to keep with my norm.

 

Disturbed-Breathe

 

You will release your life

Forgetting what's forsaken

The reason why

You are alone again

 

You will believe the lie

Judging from what you've taken

You breathe, alive

You are alone again

 

From the heart of darkness

You call to me

Spirit raging on

There is nothing I can do

For you are next to no one

 

You will release your life

Joining with the goddamned world

Of the Dead and the Lonely

You'll never leave alive

Now do you think you're too damn good

For the killing kind?

(x3)

 

Nothing I can do... nothing I can do.

 

May or may not post some other song later if I feel the need. I wish I could move on from here, I'm stuck in this hole and hating every second of it. When will I meet that someone who will understand me? I understand them, but no one ever tries to understand me, they pawn it off as "oh that's just dedem, she's always like that." No one ever looks deeper for my reasons, because why bother if it gets too tough.

 

Every day, more work. Every night, all I can think about is what I've done wrong. It's not even about New Ex or Old Ex, it's me... and I can't change myself unless I love myself. which I don't. I'm trapped, and alone at that. I just don't see how everyone can just pass me by... am I really that annoying/depressive/moody?

 

I feel less then human again, like I did in high school. I thought it went away with college. But back again it is, and dedem doesn't know what to do so she's signing off.

[dedem]

I'm Elliot Reid with Brown Hair

And smaller boobs and -incoming brick- never mind.

 

Anyhow, I am just like Elliot. For those of you who don't watch Scrubs, she's a neurotic blond doctor who is J.D. (main character's) love interest/friend. Elliot came from an emotionally abusive family, can't say that but I can say that I took my fair share of verbal abuse as a child, like any other kid did. So there's where my neurosis stems.

 

Elliot starts out in the world as this doctor who doesn't know what to do, has to deal with a mentor who hates her and a friend/coworker who keeps playing her. She and him have so many bumps in their relationship that it fails numerous just like in any other drama, before they finally overcome their insecurities and just be together. I've acknowledged that part is wildly unlikely and also have taken note of the sheer amount of failed relationships Elliot got herself into besides J.D. All of them failed either because she couldn't get over J.D, because she realized she didn't want them, or because the man didn't want to put up with her. I've done two out of the three, guess it's the norm.

 

I'm neurotic though, I need to keep my hands clean, I shower immediately after any kind of physical contact with another person (who I don't know personally) but I'll get covered in dirt gardening, and I worry constantly about what everyone thinks... I'm a crazy person. Or at least, as crazy as any other woman.

 

Elliot is at least semi-capable of telling JD she's upset at him and not okay with what he did. I won't do that, probably can't.

 

Other things that I see in me and Elliot: I try to get my confidence back by letting out a stronger me, it backlashes. I have a best friend who started out hating me because of who I appeared to be. I've made many of the mistakes Elliot made. I know, it's not healthy to be basing life after TV, but it's fine to feel connected to a character. It's the same as with books, I can name at least five characters who I see myself as in various books that I read. Right now though, my current obsession is Scrubs, then I assume it'll be either some kind of decent anime I liked as a teen or another show from TNT. One show at a time, an hour a day on busy days. Just something to get my mind off the life I'm in...

 

Crap. Title below got me thinking of a love song he sent me. Here comes the tears. I'll try to do what I can to keep from ranting, I've gotten sick of this boo-hooing.

 

Who I Want To Be

 

I want to be like Jordan. For those of you who don't know, she's the ex-wife/partner of Dr. Cox. A royal b**** if there ever was one, in an independent relationship based primarily on their dislike of others. I would love to have the confidence she has. Her attitude is to "Suck it up Sally" whenever there's something in life that hurts her, and she pretty much mops the floor with whatever guy is unfortunate enough to cross her. Plus, she is gorgeous as all actors are, but that's besides the point since a botoxed, cold as ice beauty can happen in real life and does daily. Sure, she's mean and everything I stand against, but that strength that she and other characters like her show even when in an emotional time is amazing.

 

I can't go two days without feeling sad for someone. If Dr. Cox told her he didn't want to deal with it, she'd up and leave until she decided she wanted him back, then take him back without lifting a finger. Unrealistic I know, but I'd love to be able to bounce back from a relationship with no scars or feelings at all. Or at least, to be able to hide it so well... I used to be a tough tomboy who never cared about anyone until I fell in love, now I feel as though it ruined that side of me.

 

I could just become emotionally withdrawn, drink constantly, and give up on having a happy life, but hope is keeping me in this romantic stage "love will find you, you won't become a spinster like your great aunt." I'm torn between that and despair. I don't know.

 

I'm not asking for much in a guy, just a guy who'd want to be romantic, be spontaneous, and above all love me with all his heart. Looks? Out the door if I find a man like that. And I won't settle just for looks, because a guy with long brown hair and brown eyes isn't always going to be a sweet sensitive guy who's more concerned with me than anything else. Learned that with New Ex. If anything that man was a * * * * * * * and an overall insecure jerk. Just like most girls' fairy tale princes (blonde hair, blue eyes, muscular, sweeps off feet, ect). Shrek really cracked me up on that one, I think if I have time this weekend I'll watch it.

 

Now, for your song. Can't say it's any different from what i've been listening to the last couple of days, since my quieter music depresses and or makes me moody.

 

Godsmack-Releasing The Demons

 

What do you see when you're in the dark

And the demons come for you?

 

If only you could have seen

How f***ed up my life used to be

Then everything starts to change

Supposedly healing my pain

 

I never thought I'd feel this way

Never thought that I'd see the day

I'd run away from anything

Or anywhere, or anyone

 

It's all these demons haunting me

It's all these little things trapped inside of me

Releasing me from all of my sins

 

It's taken me all of my anger

And taken me all of my hate

To learn how my life came together

Releasing the demons again

 

And now I look through my mind's eye

And see where my past needs to rest

It's always disturbed by these voices

That echo inside of my head

 

I never thought I'd feel this way

Never thought that I'd see the day

I'd run away from anything

Or anywhere, or anyone

 

Another way that I can hide

Another reason to crawl inside

And get away from everything and everywhere and everyone

No!

 

It's all these demons haunting me

It's all these little things trapped inside of me

Releasing me from all of my sins

 

It's taken me all of my anger

And taken me all of my hate

To learn how my life came together

Releasing the demons again

 

Facing the days as I grow into my own

Loving and hating's the same

And threefold, I told you

It comes back with laughter

Over and over again

It's coming back

 

It's taken me all of my anger

And taken me all of my hate

To learn how my life came together

Releasing the demons again

Releasing the demons again

(x3)

 

Releasing the demons

 

I'm learning how to be me right now. Who I am, I'm not sure, but I'm fairly certain that I'm changing again, so who knows what this will bring. Most likely a softhearted girl, I've been leaning towards that more and more. Quieting down except in the presence of good friends, spending more time with my plants... just the normal, run-of-the-mill kind of girl stuff. Maybe I was meant to be shy and quiet but somehow found a voice. Who knows.

 

I have Hotel California stuck in my head. May post that later if it's not gone.

[dedem]

I Want To Rock and Roll All Night

 

And party every day! I'm so excited today. I get to go to a powwow festival. For those of you who don't know, a powwow is an Indian celebration. Bonfires, drums, dancing, good friends, new guys... I will go, I will enjoy myself and then I'll come back and tell you how it went.

 

Bestie hasn't been online lately, she better be today or i'm going to send her 2000 texts just for the sake of bugging her. I'm feeling a little sad today because I know New Ex is likely with that skank, but you know what? It's his problem for going behind my back, finding someone new and dumping me like garbage. He can go die for lying to me.

 

I don't really have too much time for a song, I must get ready. So I'll keep this short and make a long one this afternoon. Have a great day everyone who bothers to read this!

[dedem]

I Think I'm Going Insane

 

I can't stop laughing. Something I saw on this forum reminded me of Gabriel Ingelias (comedian) and just cracked me up, some person was saying there was no memorial to Roman emperors and all I could think of was him doing his police bit.

 

Here's how the joke went.

 

"So I was standing outside in front of one of my posters after my show had ended, and all of a sudden I hear this siren (makes siren noise).

(policeman voice) 'What are you doing?'

(Normal voice) 'Uh, standing?'

'Do you have any sort of identification?'

-point towards poster, start striking a bunch of poses-

I tell you, NO ONE knew who I was back then!"

 

Then I thought, what if I did that with a picture of a Roman statue and started mimicking the face while the dude angrily stated there was no such thing as a Roman emperor's statue... be like, "uh, dude, this guy..."

 

I lol'd so hard.. am still loling... help...me...

 

But anyway. I'm feeling great. Sure my exes enter my head now and again, but if I just keep focusing on all the people who make my life better I feel better. Hopefully this mood sticks, I'm seeing a movie with bestie tomorrow.

 

Today was awesome. I didn't meet anyone (didn't try) but I managed to eat good food, dance, stare at the fire obsessively, and best of all-I got my laugh back. Not my pathetic "oh haha" laugh, but my normal laugh, my everything's okay laugh. Best friends will do that for you. I'm moving on with my life!

 

We saw this guy who decided to go to the powwow in nothing but tattoos and a loin cloth... was awkward. I'm surprised he didn't get thrown out. We both also have new dream catchers, I finally caved and got myself an incense burner and one of those throw blankets with a wolf on it. I'll take pictures if I remember later, light is horrible here.

 

Two songs for you guys today. The first is one you all may know, I won't post lyrics. It's called Cat's In The Cradle, and makes me feel a different kind of love, one I'd have for a kid. Link here:

 

The other song expresses my mood and what I want to tell my ex.

 

Jet-Move On

 

Well I been thinking 'bout the future

I'm too young to pretend

It's such a waste to always look behind you

Should be lookin' straight ahead

 

Yeah, I'm gonna have to move on

Before we meet again

 

10.34 Flinders Street Station

I'm lookin' down the tracks

Uniform man askin' am I paid up

Why would I wanna be there?

 

Yeah I'm gonna have to move on

Before we meet again

 

Yeah it's hard

If you had have only seen

Take control

Don't be afraid to bleed

 

Yeah it's hard

If you had have only seen

'Cause every once in a while

You think about if your gonna get yourself together

You should be happy just to be alive

And just because you just don't feel like comin' home

Don't mean that you'll never arrive

 

Yeah gonna have to move on

Before we meet again

Yeah it's hard

If you had have only seen

Take control

Don't be afraid to bleed

Yeah it's hard

If you had have only seen

[dedem]

I...I Can't Stop, I'm a Monster

Fighting, that is. Internet, real-life, doesn't matter, it's like I'm taking all my anger out on well, everyone else. I've gotten myself into heaps of trouble today and gone too far with jokes, I'm lucky my best friend is so understanding. What is with me, that I have to go tell everyone their business? I've been avoiding this site since I came home, to prevent myself from making someone's problems worse.

 

And then the fact that I won't let a fight die... it's like, I need to win, or at least go down swinging. How very pathetic, I presume. I like that I'm a b**** sometimes, I do, but I really need to know my limits. Telling some random guy he needs to start getting more original in his insults, stop jumping into fights he has no business being in, and actually go outside and live life (putting this all very nicely) is not like me. I'm not PMSing, i'm just being a c*** lately.

 

I suppose holding anger and pain in all day isn't good, but that's what I have this site for, and now it's ruining me. I'm actually looking for fights, and making tactless jokes when I'd be better off just keeping my mouth shut and walking away. Thankfully, this bigmouth didn't ruin the movie for her friend.

 

I saw a girl I got into a fight with awhile back at the theater. It was lucky of me Bestie was around, or I'd have deliberately caused something. My god, I've become one of those people who gets a thrill out of making others miserable.

 

Man, that's just weak.

 

Here's a song, by Skillet. It's called Monster. Dunno if I've this posted before, don't care.

 

The secret side of me

I never let you see

I keep it caged but I can't control it

So stay away from me

The beast is ugly

I feel the rage and I just can't hold it

 

It's scratchin' on the walls

In the closet, in the halls

It comes awake and I can't control it

Hidin' under the bed

In my body, in my head

 

Why won't somebody come and save me from this

Make it end

 

I feel it deep within

It's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I hate what I've become

The nightmare's just begun

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster (x2)

 

My secret side I keep

Hid under lock and key

I keep it caged but I can't control it

Because if I let him out

He'll tear me up, break me down

 

Why won't somebody come and save me from this

Make it end

 

I feel it deep within

It's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster (x2)

I, I feel like a monster (x2)

 

It's hiding in the dark

It's teeth are razor sharp

There's no escape for me

It wants my soul

It wants my heart

 

No one can hear me scream

Maybe it's just a dream

Or maybe it's inside of me

Stop this monster!

 

I feel it deep within

It's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I hate what I've become

The nightmare's just begun

I must confess that I feel like a monster (x2)

Am gonna lose control

Here's something radical

I must confess that I feel like a monster!

I, I feel like a monster (x4)

 

In other news, course selection begins tomorrow. I know exactly what I want, and what I'm going into. I might also do a psych course, just for fun. Wish me luck.

 

Signing out, a in-weird-mood dedem.

[dedem]

I've Been Weirder. But wait, lo, was that jealousy/annoyance?

 

I do believe there's a light after all. Me and E have been enhancing our friendship, little by little, but it seems New Ex doesn't like that. Well, he had his chance. Now it's his turn to want what he can't have, because as far as both him and E are concerned, I want nothing more to do with men until I get my head on straight. E's just a friend, that's how I intend it to stay. We share similar interests, sure, but I've learned my lesson. Only if I'm sure of the guy will I date him, and that's only after at least a year of friendship. But to see New Ex's hopeless eyes... for some reason it makes me satisfied. I will not, and cannot, date E, for more reasons than just personal choice. He's fun and all, but he doesn't date, and I'm a trainwreck when it comes to relationships.

 

I've been weird lately. Listening to more Japanese music, writing more. I've had to stop myself because I kept going into gory detail, when I know that's dangerous in itself. Every now and again New Ex will pop into my mind, but not for long. He's officially been evicted and replaced by a heap of crazy I've been repressing lately.

 

Music, plants and writing. That's all I am, when you take all the emotional crap and throw it away. And that's how I intend it to stay, just the music and the stories and the roses. It sounds like a cold, materialistic view on life, but when you really think about it all you are is what you will be remembered for. My personality is normal. My features, all normal if not below normal. So it's what I do that makes me. I just hope that someone remembers, or I won't be anything at all.

 

Looking down upon life from an upward stance has seemed to help me a bit, and it shows in my writing. The character is always someone who starts out evil and turns to good, but lately it's just been about the inside of a mad person's mind or about their logic behind their actions. I almost wrote a book about a journey within a mind.. but then deleted it. Shame, I could have edited some of it so that it no longer involved New Ex and just kept the story plot. Ah well.

 

Girls Will Be Girls

And girls will be dramatic. I'm resenting many of my gender because all they ever do is start trouble or be the "queen bee." And one in particular, let's call her Queenie, annoys me most of all. I've got a strong personality, sure. Does this mean she can immediately shoot me down wherever she goes in order to stay on top? No. I don't cause trouble, I just want to do my work and get it done with without having to deal with someone deciding I'm too incompetent to be doing things in our group. Apparently, to her, I screw everything up. Yet I'm the one doing most of the work, and when her little posse screws up she laughs and doesn't seem to mind.

 

I don't know why she has it out for me. Sure, if this was high school I'd accredit it to her being a spoiled brat. But this is college. Queenie's an adult, spoiled-rotten, b****. Unless I've done something, but I'm quiet enough to not draw attention and if she wants to do whatever, she can. But getting in my face and screaming about how the plants were being potted? Either I'm coming off as weak, or I've somehow inevitably shown that though I am a strong character I am a quiet one until further noticed.

 

Great. I've ignored Queenie for just a smidge too long, now I'm an enemy. It's to be figured I suppose.

 

I miss my friends when I'm in that class, but at least I'll only have to deal with it for another week. Then it's spring break time.

 

Song for you, an English translated version of my favorite Vocaloid song.

 

Link:

Vocaloid (Miku)-Guard and Scythe

 

Pains, confessions, scent of sin

My heart grows black

A scythe in my hand glows dirty silver

At that moment blood sinks into the red swamp

 

I behead her

A tone like a scream echos

Tears come from my eyes

And change into a voice like a scythe

 

A cradle of crime and punishment swings

Swings and shrieks

Why the hell do you think the sun doesn't enter

 

A scythe in my right hand that judges my beloved

Sings a song

With tears in my eyes,

The sickle makes a sound

 

A flower of a quiet song blooms

Blooms and sinks into the swamp

Why the hell do you think the sun doesn't enter

 

La, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la, la

 

This is, of course, a loose translation. It sounds much better in Japanese. -sigh- well, I've got a dentist's appointment to go to. At least that's one thing I'm not afraid of.

[dedem]

Never free, never me, so I dub thee Unforgiven

 

What am I still doing here. This thought keeps butting into everything I do. I saw a glimpse of myself today, in a lonely old woman. She had never been able to forgive humanity for their sins, because of that she kept to herself, all her life.

 

Am I to become that? Am I to be alone all of my life? And, most importantly, am I just as selfish as the world I look down upon? I can't stop crying. Today was a tough day.

 

M had to point out a picture of his new girlfriend that he had. A had to rub it in. I told them both to shut up about it, I can't think about him. It depresses me too much to know our time together was worth absolute * * * * to him. I can't handle knowing he likely cheated, I can't handle knowing that he is just as worthless as he thinks.

 

Am I selfish, to want his downfall? To want her to die? I can't/won't just smile and say "have fun, it was nice and all but it's done so good luck in life." So I wallow in self-pity instead. I really ought to start drinking, at least then I'd be able to forget and stop bothering people.

 

I can't believe that she would steal him from me... or that he would leave the second he saw someone prettier. I may be ugly, but I do have a heart. But no, dedem's a robot. She won't care if you leave her. She doesn't know love. Or sadness. Or emotional pain. I'm the world's tool, the freak everyone hates, the one person in life who everyone can lay all their anger out on. Because dedem does not have a soul.

 

I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to feel this broken down, over a man or over anything else. I want to close the door on what is my life. I've been ignoring the suicidal thoughts until now, but now I just want to die. People would be happier that way. Life would be better for everyone if there was no me, I'm useless. Most of the world wouldn't care about my death, that's the way it is with everyone. A few people sure, they'll care. But in the end, wouldn't it be easier on everyone if I never was? Fate hates me, it gave me this life only to test how far i'll go before I'll break. The suffering I'm going through, it's a small price to pay for the hell I think I caused.

 

God, what have I done. Am I really so vile? Or is it just the world, being cold as always. I don't know... I want to run until there's nowhere left to run, and then I want to die where no one will find me. Because this weakness is one I can't handle. Everyone else, either you're happy or trying to be happy. But I won't ever be happy, because I don't deserve that. I look for happiness, sure, but if others aren't happy, why should I be? And when I've gone, the world will go on. Men will live and die. No one will notice if I die today... argh, I need to stop thinking this way but it won't leave me alone.

 

I'm such a whiny baby... I can't even handle a little heartbreak, let alone be there for the people who actually need it.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. My future is a burning pile of ruins, loneliness will kill me but who would consider me, I'm that 20% who don't get loved. I could change everything about me, but my attitude has always been why should I change for the world, if the world won't change for me? I'm the one on the outside looking in, I always open the door onto the inside.

 

For it, I don't see a point in changing myself when I've fought so hard to try and just be me. I'm too stubborn to let all of that go to waste for everyone else's approval, but I'm too lonely with myself to be happy. Sure, I have friends, but they're just friends. They are not always there for you, or waiting faithfully for you. Their promises may be real, but everybody lies. No one is honest or straight with each other, no one plays fair 24/7. All I'm asking for is one man, or woman even, who will be straight with me always and will never consider doing anything dishonorable, like cheating.

 

But it's a selfish world, and I'm part of that. I've no choice but to go into that classroom tomorrow, put a big grin on my face, and make myself deal with it. Sure, he's got a hot new girl who's got everything. But what does that matter to me, his alleged "friend"? He got what he needed from me, didn't he? And then he got a girl who was more than willing to let him do whatever he wants with her, no questions asked. I'm just a rebound throw-away type of girlfriend, we don't feel so why bother understanding us or getting to know us.

 

Here's the song for right now. It's depressing me worse than I already was. But I need to get it out.

 

Three Days Grace-Get Out Alive

 

No time for goodbyes

He said as he faded away

Don't put your life in someone's hands

They're bound to steal it away

Don't hide from your mistakes

Because they'll find you, burn you

Then he said

 

If you want to get out alive

Oh, run for your life

If you want to get out alive

Oh, run for your life

 

This is my last time

She said as she faded away

It's hard to imagine

But one day you'll end up like me

Then she said

 

If you want to get out alive

Oh, run for your life

If you want to get out alive

Oh, run for your life

(x2)

 

If I stay, it won't be long

'Till I'm burning on the inside

If I go, I can only hope

That I make it to the other side

 

If you want to get out alive

Oh, run for your life

If you want to get out alive

Oh, run for your life

(x2)

 

If I stay, it won't be long

'Till I'm burning on the inside

If I go, I can only hope

That I'll make it to the other side

(x2)

 

Burning on the inside (x4)

[dedem]

Ups And Downs

 

I reread my last post, and sighed/shook head. I keep having these days where I'll be sobbing and feeling hopeless, then the next day everything seems to just go right. It's so strange, I sometimes even feel like I have a friend watching over me... but I know that's just my lonely mind forming something to keep me from being completely suicidal. I feel loved though somehow, from somewhere, likely all my friends. It's a good feeling, and it keeps away the bad.

 

I'm okay so long as I don't see him. And I haven't seen him in two days. I won't for the rest of this week, it's spring break already. He's gone and out of my life. His sister was also gone today, which was also weird, but hey. I certainly don't mind. The less I think of him, the stronger I grow. If he had some sort of accident or was killed or had a tragedy happen to him, I honestly don't care. Good day apathy, it's been too long.

 

I'm done with love for the time being. It's too much of a burden to me, and what I've been watching lately have helped me learn quite a few things. It's time to grow up and say hi to the world I live in, and if I should die... then I will go down swinging. The world will eventually break me, I know this, but I also know that if I fight back I live another day, and survival is all that I care about. He's right, he's not worth me killing myself over. Neither is the * * * * I put up with in life. If I can live and learn through today, I can better prepare myself for tomorrow. Yesterday means nothing except old lessons, there's no sense in dwelling on what can never be changed. Time doesn't stop, it flows on, so for all of you who still live in the past... your world of dreams will only hurt you if you cannot move forward.

 

Does Anyone Else Think That Way? That It's Okay To Be Happy, Even If Just For One Day?

 

I was happy today. And for those of you who don't know, today is the USA's national Day of Silence. It's for all those who showed more courage than I did and spoke out against gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender bullying and discrimination, and were henceforth silenced.

 

See this boy? This is Lawrence King, 4 years younger than me when he died. He would have been 18 today.

 

 

 

 

He was killed because he was open about being homosexual. Shot, by his former friends and classmates. He showed far more courage than me, who can't even tell a person the honest truth about how I feel about them.

 

Here's a link, for anyone who wants to know more: link removed

 

I love doing the day of silence every year and I do it because I am friends with many homosexual people and have heard how hard it was for them to even tell just their parents. And then, at the end of the day, I am happy I did so.

 

Unfortunately for me E made me break my silence at the very end of a day. Not being mean, it's just a game people play, because the silence represents all the people who suicide or died for their sexual orientation. By breaking the silence, you bring people together.

 

He shows me every day how similar we are, playing little jokes and things like that. Boys are so weird sometimes, luckily for me I have my head straight enough to know I need at least a year's worth of space from men who aren't just friends.

 

And bestie and everyone else, they've all just been happy today... the sun was shining, everything went well. It was raining last I saw new ex. Coincidence? Who knows, probably.

 

All i know is that when he's gone, I'm happy. I move on with my life, no sense in crying, but the instant he appears it's like being stabbed in the heart. I kinda... want him to be just gone. But at the same time a small part of me is still screaming NO! at the top of her lungs, saying how if he's dead it's all my fault, and why I should care. But the majority of me knows that it's a closed door, no sense in caring about what will not and cannot care for you. It's just like my dead relatives, once they are gone I simply stop crying, accept their deaths and move on. Perhaps death is easier for me to deal with than it is a normal person.

 

Bleh.

 

I'm thankful for today. And any other day I have of happiness. Please, let there be more.

 

My song for today is another translated song.

 

Darker Than Black II Opening

 

The moonlight guides me through the clouds

Shining down on the path I must take

Even through the bleakest days

 

Please someone tell me

Does everyone think that way?

Do they think it's fine to be happy

Even if it's just for today?

 

I thought the same when I was young

When I had dreams to chase after

But that's a distant memory

 

The passing days don't offer any answers

Time just flows on

I don't know what will happen from now on

 

The moonlight guides me through the clouds

Shining down on the path I must take

Even through the bleakest days

 

This is a strangely okay dedem, signing off for now.

[dedem]

I Have Such Nice Dreams, But They Are Dreams

 

Today I have been looking ahead to my life, and all the fantasies I've had for myself. Right now I feel like crying, but it's out of sadness that I cry. It's out of happiness, but at the same time a letting go, a knowing that the happy future I see may never happen. Here is what I see.

 

I see myself and my friends, all enjoying ourselves in our lives. Bestie and boyfriend are married, have three kids and are anticipating a fourth. One kid is climbing on me, another is crying and pointing towards the other, and the other has hidden himself in a tree. We all are on the lawn of a grand Cape Cod house on a lake, and out of the house comes the man I have always seen in my dreams. He is smiling as he pulls one kid off me, we both aren't married but planning on it, and he greets me with a big kiss and a hug. We are both as happy as Bestie is.

 

The children all run towards their mother, who is sitting on the front porch with her man. They both laugh as we walk over, for we all are friends. The gardens around us bloom and die for many years, I have two healthy kids with my man, and soon we all begin to grow old. The children become adults and move away, two stay, one of mine and one of hers, who fall in love together. They get married and are willed the house, and then us old folk die one by one, each with the comfort of knowing we lived good lives.

 

My other friends all grow up to do what they want, then pass on just as we do. There's nothing but happiness, the sad is all behind us. And this vision of mine, this vision of a happy future, it makes me cry for a million reasons.

 

The biggest of which, is that I know it's just a dream.

 

The likelihood of any of this happening is a million to one. Friends fight or grow distant. Children fall in love just as we do, with whomever fate gives them. I assume Bestie and her man would want space from me, so at best we'd have separate houses next to each other. The only thing I know for certain... is that I will have a garden.

 

I see this happy future in front of me... but then I see all that could go wrong. Me and Bestie will fight or worse yet, just not be best friends anymore. She and her boyfriend will split. I will never find the right man, or if I do, we won't have children. The cape house could get sold to someone who doesn't love it the way I do.

 

So many things might trip my future up that I might die alone, miserable, and without happiness. I've been having all sorts of strange thoughts today, about my future and what I want to do, and at this point I just don't know.

 

I need to get out of my head, but there's nowhere to run after that.

 

Is it strange that all I want whether I'm a pauper or a rich girl is to have my best friend and a man at my side through everything? I don't want money. I don't care about power. I want someone to return my loyalty and feelings towards them. That's happiness to me, and I give it to so many people that eventually I have nothing to give. I wonder if it's possible to be greedy with love... a wise man once said that a man who wants something is miserable the entire time he spends searching for it. Then, when he has it, he realizes he wants more, and so is still miserable.

 

That being said, I'm happy if my best friend calls me first when she's upset. I'm happy to know that according to her, I'm one of the few people she cares about. I'm especially happy knowing that I can somehow make her feel better when she's down, and I love to see her in a good mood.

 

If you want, you could say I am in love with my best friend, but it's a strange kind of love. I have no physical attraction to her whatsoever. If she tried to kiss me, I probably wouldn't say no, but I wouldn't take it further. But I feel an intense emotional attraction to her, almost like I need to make her happy to feel happy.

 

Love is a complex emotion, I guess. You can feel it towards everyone, but in different forms for different people. For some, it's just physical. Others, it's purely emotional. And some is spiritual. But the kind of love I'm searching for is all three. I want to envy the person I'm with, to worship them, to love them, and to be able to connect with them on each and every level.

 

I don't know who that person will be. And by analyzing my old relationships, I've come to the conclusion that although I connected on some levels, I didn't have all three. With New Ex, it was purely physical. No real emotional bondage at all. With Old Ex, too emotional and physical, no spiritual bond. We were both using each other to try and attempt to cure loneliness, not because we actually fit completely.

 

I must remember to avoid that in the future, because two lonely people are desperate and will settle for anyone no matter who that someone is.

 

The right person will come, or at least, I can dream that he will come. I do know that eventually, I will be an old lady on a bed somewhere dying, and nothing that happens now is going to matter. My life right now is not necessarily the life of my future, and nothing matters after death.

 

Oddly, the fact that I will be 80 and dying comforts me. Not that it's far off or that I have time to change things (that scares the crap out of me) but that one day I will not be in this struggle and I will look back and think "that was pointless of me." All pain is not eternal, I've known that forever. And if I'm a little old lady who never married because she never WANTED to, and was happily single, then so be it.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I do in fact have a guardian watching over me and somehow making things seem less bad, or if it's just my mind. I don't know, I'm trying to cope with the fact that I'm alone again.

 

Hopefully, I will remember how I was as a child. Alone, but happily so, rejecting so many people because so many people happened to be nothing but cruel, petty men among men. I was asked once why I thought so poorly of humanity in general, my response was often just a pointing towards some wrong that was going on, even just trash in the street. A conciliator told me it wasn't right to view humanity (including myself) as mostly vile and rotten, so I took her out into the field at recess and showed her just what went on, a little boy was trying to eat his lunch but another kid had thrown it on the dirt and stomped all over it because it would be funny. Her response? A tight "kids will be kids" and then she was off to go punish BOTH children for the actions of one kid.

 

I guess I'm still a freak inside, but I'd rather be a freak then be like the rest of the now grown up children. I dislike society, which is why I just want to go to the Cape with a few close friends and forget what ever was. Before I get into a rant, let me give you a song, then go to bed.

 

I won't post lyrics, I haven't the energy. But you can click the link to the English translation of the song if you want. Right now, I'm shifting back into apathy and coldness, so I suppose I could say I don't care.

 

Rammstein-Engle

 

[dedem]

Why Are People This Way?

 

Why are we all gray shadows absorbed in our own lives, never taking the time to reach out to others? I'd like to say I'm okay right now, but that's a lie. I don't know what I am right now, I'm somewhere in between sadness and numbness. I'm thinking I'm depressed.

 

It's not even that I lost one person. It's that no one wants to be with me and have a serious relationship. And it's the loneliness which is killing me inside. I can only love and be hurt so many times before I just emotionally withdraw myself from the world, and stop caring if I live or die. This life... it feels pointless to me. I have no purpose. I'm not going to save the world or anyone, I'm not going to change it at all. Even if I tried to make a difference, there would still be evil in the world, so there is no point in trying.

 

I'm not smart enough or powerful enough or emotional enough or emotionless enough. I'm just me, an average nobody who no one notices walking down the street, looking dazed and confused. There are so few people in the world who genuinely care about everyone and would gladly give from their hearts.

 

My best friends mother is one of them, she's an inspiration to me. A little girl went shopping with her mother at the same place that she was, and while they were in the store their car got repossessed. The woman was so distressed, she had no way of getting home because she had to carry bags of groceries. So my best friends mother offered her a ride. Along the way the little girl started to cry, and my friend's mother of course keeps little stuffed animals in her car for decoration. So she gave the little girl one of the stuffed animals, a little flower. The girl was so happy that, at the end of the ride my friend's mother told her to keep it. It made the little girl's day, and her mother's, too.

 

If everyone was like this... we wouldn't have problems at all in the world. There wouldn't be greedy people or vile men who follow people around just waiting to do something like repossess a car or rob someone blind.

 

But most people, if they aren't cruel themselves, are gray. How many people do you think would have simply just walked on after the lady had her car taken away? How many people do you think just walked by before my friend's mother finally stopped and offered a ride? I'm assuming more than a dozen people ignored her. It's not that any of these people are bad, they're just caught up in themselves. 'Gas is too expensive to waste.' 'Get involved and that lady will rob us, she's from a bad section just look at her.' 'Sucks to be her, glad it's not me.' It's not right, now is it? Most people are gray, neither good nor evil, because they simply don't care enough about the people around them.

 

I would have gladly offered my car. I would have given that little girl something to cheer her up. I might even become good friends with the women. And many people tell me that that's a flaw.

 

Is it? Is it a flaw that I care about everyone but myself instead of vice versa? I know it's not good for me, that I should give me some slack, but I'm just as human as the rest of you, I make mistakes. Someone has to say something.

 

I don't know if I can be 100% selfish. My therapist had told me that once in awhile, it's okay to be self-centered, but i'd feel so rotten not helping a friend in need because I was too caught up in my own problems. And to give without knowing a person.... even better, no? I don't know, the world around me is complex and everyone spins in a different direction.

 

Here's your song, it'll likely depress me but I need to let out the little sadness.

 

Rascal Flatts-What Hurts The Most

 

 

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house

That don't bother me

I can take a few tears now and then

And just let 'em out

 

I'm not afraid to cry

Once in awhile even though

Goin' on without you gone

Still upsets me

 

There are days every now and again

I pretend I'm okay

But that's not what gets me

 

What hurts the most

Was being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

 

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Was what I was trying to do

(x3)

 

I can't get his smell out of my nostrils, it's bothering me. I hate that stupid smell of boy and whatever cologne he wore, if any guy smells like him I'm making him take a shower until he learns I just can't bear the smell of him and wears something like Axe or another brand of deodorant/cologne.

 

I'm leaving today for the Cape. I won't be back until Wednesday/Thursday. At least there, I can take some time at the lake to just close my eyes and stop thinking.

 

I love you all, and have been needing to say that lately.

 

-dedem of the dedems

I'm leaving today for the Cape. I won't be back until Wednesday/Thursday. At least there, I can take some time at the lake to just close my eyes and stop thinking.

 

I love you all, and have been needing to say that lately.

 

-dedem of the dedems

[dedem]

Cry 'Havoc' And Let Slip The Dogs Of War

 

Dedem has been thinking lately. About what? Not sure. Everything I suppose. I've returned from my vacation with a heavy heart, I never wanted to leave. When I was there, I forgot all my issues. But since the moment I've returned, I can't seem to shut my mind off. And I'm wondering... is this all normal? Is the anger I've always felt towards humanity normal? And above all... do other people's minds torment them relentlessly? If so, I have a greater respect towards the general population.

 

Rereading this journal, I can see all my flaws and where I have a few screws loose. But, it seems, so does the rest of the world. Everyone, no matter who you are, has a sort of insane twitch to them. It could be as simple as being scarily neat or have narcissistic tendencies. My issue is, I stress over every little thing and I also have times where I want to be completely numb to it all, and during those moods I am the worst b**** you will ever meet.

 

So many minor details to the world, and all I want is to concentrate on the big things.

 

Right now, I'm thinking about how a loss can be a win if you look at it right, and also about how the mind rarely allows you to see any sort of loss as a win. Or at least, my mind never seems to give it a rest.

 

Part of me is still grieving my losses. I'm plagued by little flashbacks to times spent with New Ex. His room, his house, his cats. I'm trying as hard as I can to take those memories and put them where they can no longer hurt me. One day, hopefully soon, I will have forgotten everything, or so I believe. That day is the day I will start looking again.

 

I'm lonely. No, I'm not alone, I have a cat at my side and family nearby. I have a friend who I can text at any moment.

 

But I am a very lonely person, because I feel like no one truly tries to see things my way. Selfish, yes, but I'm always seeing the world through other people's eyes. For once, I want someone to take the time to see inside my mind, to try and at least attempt to understand what I am. I've said this before, it's still true. And then I keep considering a quote I read in a story one time. "Loneliness and being alone are two very different things." I am not alone, others share my plight, and there are people who try to care for me nearby, but I feel no connection with anyone. My best friend is too far at this time to be of any use, and even she only knows half of me.

 

I wish I could be open. Maybe then I wouldn't be so lonely.

 

I'm thinking I'm a narcissist. Why? Because, I'm selfish. I want so much, and I see myself as above the rest of the world. The fact that I fight my selfishness is irrelevant, and there I go again. Ach, I want to go back to the Cape and get out of my mind again.

 

I've just noticed an error up there, I repeated the bottom part of the post above this one. It'll now bother me for the rest of this post. Meh.

 

My song tonight is another from Disturbed, called Enough.

 

We don't want men, who want everything

And we've told them to want everything

 

We don't want men, who want everything

And we've stolen in this suffering

And we've told them to want everything

But use caution in what you believe

 

And the haunted

Deny everything

Controlling in this suffering

When they're broken, and lost everything

They're so much easier to lead

 

Take their hope away

Take their life away

Leave them nothing left inside

 

When you're out of time

In this lullaby

When your soul is frozen

Is that enough?

 

When your heart is broken

A thousand times

With every moment, is that enough?

 

Without warning

We take everything

 

Without warning

We take everything

Undaunted in this suffering

The dark forces

Surround everything

Make it impossible to see

 

Take their hope away

Take their life away

Leave them nothing left inside

When you're out of time

In this lullaby

When your soul is frozen

Is that enough

When your heart is broken

A thousand times

With every moment, is that enough?

 

Haven't we suffered enough?

Haven't we suffered enough?

The damage is more then I can bear.

(x2)

 

Do they even have a reason why?

Countless sons and daughters left to die

Can you even comprehend the pain

Tell me when your...

 

Out of time, in this lullaby

When your soul is frozen

Is that enough?

When your heart is broken

A thousand times, with every moment

Is that enough?

(x2)

 

I wonder how many people read this. I doubt very many, and some of whom are mods. Eh. I find I can't read these things, I don't feel right in doing so. It's other people's business, not mine. But that might just be me.

 

You know, Scrubs does in fact help you with some things. True for any show, really. The lesson I'm taking with me is that if you stop crying about all your problems ALL the time, you'll eventually feel better. Talking about it just makes you sadder, and it annoys the living daylights out of those who surround you. It's easier to just take time to yourself, get your head on your shoulders, and then face the world. If you have to cry, cry, but don't cry just to cry.

 

I'm tired. Two hours of driving and I was up at 5. So for those who do in fact read this, thank you and goodnight. I love you even if I don't know you. Mods, you've done a great job in keeping this site generally free of problems. Keep up the good work.

 

Night all,

 

-dedem

[dedem]

There Was Not A Soul More Beautiful And Perfect In Every Way

I am thinking of the gay boy I used to love. Maybe I do still love some small part of him, and it's the reason that I'm tripping on all my relationships. I shoved him out of my life after he vanished for a time (we took our friendship online after he moved) because I had a relationship. I've never regretted anything more. That small part of me really did love him for him, even if it was just friend love. We both battled our teenage depressions together, and before him I never really connected to anyone on that sort of level.

 

I've always been closed off from the world, and that was okay until him. But something about him taught me to see that there was good in people, I mean, he was gay, Christian, and forced to attend an all-boys Christian private school from 9th grade on. But he still kept going, as a gentler soul from when he was in my school. At first yes, he and I shared only our anger, but somehow we changed each other. Or at least, he changed me.

 

I no longer glorify killers or evil. I no longer am it, I'm just me... and I don't know who that is, because I'm still incomplete. It's difficult, to change one's mindset so many times without cracking.

 

Right now I am sad. No, I am not sad for being dumped or screwing up my life romantically wise. I am sad for the world, sad that it's the way it is, I've always been sad and just never realized it.

 

I used to want to change the world when I was with him. I wanted to make the world a happy, harmonious place for him and I really believed that I could do it if I just stopped being so cruel. But somewhere along the line, I failed and we went our separate ways. I should've kept him closer, even if it was not a romantic relationship. That kind of friendship is akin to me and my very best friend who currently is flaking on me, or so I'm told.

 

I loved him, but in a way that doesn't heal. If he was straight and we did wind up together and ended it, I would heal from that, but it's almost as though my very soul got torn apart when he vanished. My "friends" called him a loser for doing so. I saw him as doing the right thing and letting go before we both ended up pulling each other down. It's killing me to think of him right now. No one else.

 

He made me see what I truly wanted in a guy: someone nice, smart, understanding of the world, but with a good heart. Someone who is the exact opposite of me, and that's where I'm going wrong.

 

I can't love a person who's like me. I just can't, there's no connection. But if you're a Christian, or have a good outlook on life, or can just actually force me to see that there's good in the world... then I fall in love. It's a bad thing, because those guys don't want a girl who's always angry at the world and bitter. Those kinds of guys aren't patient and can be more focused on themselves.

 

When I do find someone who's right for me, they're usually taken or wanting only friendship, or, in this case, gay. I don't know where to look, and my friend's boyfriend said it all when he told me that it's a one in a million chance of finding the guy I want. I can look all I want, but I doubt I'll find one.

 

Men aren't sensitive as a rule... they'd rather protect their women. I want to be the one protecting, I'm loyal without a doubt, but a guy who tries to baby me will only get a girl who is either uninterested or too needy. I suppose what I'm saying is, I need to be needed. But what kind of guy is going to let me take control without feeling threatened? I'm just too complicated to find love.

 

If only I were a pretty, quiet, timid girl 100% of the time. Then I'd have plenty of guys and plenty of chances. But no, I have to fight. Always and forever, because that's what ugly girls do, right? There is no such thing as a guy who does not look at appearances first. Which is just plain awful, some of the plainest girls have the best personalities, but what kind of man is going to care about that if she has a nose the size of Canada or has bad hair or is fat or is too skinny or is small chested or a number of things which can happen to girls?

 

Most men's attitudes are to get breast implants, plastic surgery, wear makeup... all these demands, why should we have to follow? We don't tell guys how to look, we just tell them that if they smell nice and aren't massively overweight we'll consider them. And even the overweight guys get girls. Overweight girls? They get one night stands and a number of failed relationships, unless they're lucky enough to find a big guy who likes big girls.

 

I know beauty is all in the eye of the beholder and that it fades with age, but I never had any, so I've no idea what the world will think of me. And people yell for me to not care what others think, but that's the whole point of relationships isn't it?

 

I wish I could stop crying over a relationship that died a year ago. But so far, it's the only one that really mattered, the rest were me clinging onto something.

 

I want to forget him. And everything about him that changed me. If I'm cynical, closed off and dark again, I can find another light somewhere.

 

Does anyone else feel abandoned, at all? I feel like a puppy that was taken in, then got to big and got tossed out. Then was accepted into other homes but thrown out due to being just too much work, until it found the streets.

 

I'm no better than the trash that surrounds me and that is the world's final judgment. I guess for once, I'll just take it lying down and die when it gets to be too much. It's that or snap, and I'm more afraid of myself right now than I've ever been because there's only two real options for me, if I forget the dream of happiness.

 

I could kill people. I know it's within my grasp. And I can kill myself. I don't want to do either, but this is Hell, and many of you have been through it. If you survive, good job. But for those that drown, at least you don't have to keep repeatedly injuring your mind.

 

My songs are all Port Blue. No lyrics, just sound in a vain attempt to get me to calm down.

 

 

 

This is the whole reason I'm crying, because this band made me feel like there was beauty in the world until he vanished.

 

I'm so stupid, I pushed the one person in the world who I connected with out of my life and am on my way towards ruining another. How long must I be alone, before I can die...

 

Goodnight all. Don't know if I'll see you tomorrow, don't care.

 

-d

[dedem]

The Rain's Come, Will It Go Away

 

I'm still sad today, and thinking almost constantly. I keep holding onto this hope that the guy who's in my dreams is out there, that he's looking for me as much as I'm looking for him. But part of me says it's a distant memory of someone long dead if it's anything, or worse yet, it's my imagination telling me that once upon a time I found a love that was worth fighting for.

 

My beliefs are fading, but I guess that's life. I don't know what's real and what's fake anymore, I don't even know my purpose here on earth. Just once I want the answers to come easy, but they don't.

 

Am I insane? Is everything I think, feel and remember just a figment of my imagination? I've told you of my past life experiences, or the basics anyhow. Are those just rays of false hope? And if they are, why am I still here and living when I know it's pointless?

 

I can't handle the thought of this misery being it for me. I only get back up after being kicked because if I didn't my best friend, who is clinically depressed, wouldn't keep fighting. If I die, if I let myself be weak, then she dies. And I'd never forgive myself if I allowed that to happen.

 

I don't know where I'd be without her, even if our relationship is bumpy. She knows how much I love her and how I'd do anything for her, whether she feels it is beyond me.

 

I've stopped telling her of these little bouts in my sanity. There's not much she could do even if she tried, and it's not fair of me to cling. As long as she's happy, as long as she knows love, then what I feel doesn't matter. Because if what I know is true, I'm just a guardian to her. It's like she is a young child, there's no doubt in my mind I would die for her alone, but she's not expected to do the same. There was a time when she'd cry, and I'd be in tears myself. But when I found what I thought was love, I pushed everyone who did matter to me out of my life. I still deeply care about her, but it's like I cut all my emotional bonds with her. Or that she's more or less fading on me, but if that's what'll make her happy then it's something I'll allow to happen.

 

It's so selfish of me to be jealous of her happiness. I'm the one who gave it to her without asking anything in return, so as long as she remains fine and still runs to me for help, I'm fine.

 

It's raining here. It always is when I'm depressed. Probably just that weather-mood relationship, but who knows.

 

My song today is a song which goes to none of my exes, but to the people who did make a difference in my life who I kicked out of the door.

 

Lifehouse-Broken

 

The broken clock is a comfort

It helps me sleep tonight

Maybe it can't stop tomorrow

From stealing all my time

 

I am here still waiting

Though I still have my doubts

I am damaged at best

Like you've already figured out

 

I'm fallen apart

I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart

That's still beating

 

In the pain

There is healing

In your name

I find meaning

 

The broken locks were a warning

You got inside my head

I tried my best to be guarded

I'm an open book instead

 

I still see your reflection

Inside of my eyes

They're looking for purpose

They're still looking for life

 

I'm falling apart

I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart

That's still beating

 

In the pain

Is there healing?

In your name

I find meaning

 

So I'm holding on

I'm still holding

I'm holding on

I'm barely holding onto you

 

I'm hanging out

Another day

Just to see what

You would throw my way

I'm hanging on

To the words you said

You said that I would be okay...

 

The broken lights on the freeway

Left me here alone

I may have lost my way now

Having forgotten my way Home..

 

I'm falling apart

I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart

That's still beating

 

In the pain

There is healing

In your name

I find meaning

 

So I'm holding on

I'm still holding

I'm holding on

I'm holding on

I'm barely holding onto you

(x3)

 

Where I'm headed is an empty road I guess. I can't do or think anything without feeling awful, so I give up. My mind will die in time and then I can just be, a person of a million persons. I am nothing, and I'd rather drown in nothing than be something.

 

-dedem

[dedem]

Please Not Again

 

I'm in a relapse, ENA, I know this because of my overwhelming sadness lately.

 

Tomorrow I have to go to class unless i want to drop out. I'm dreading it, mostly because I hate my social life right now. Friends are leaving, enemies are staying. It doesn't help that New Ex is going to be there. I wish I didn't have to see him, ever. It would make this much, much easier for me...

 

A therapist I once went to said the reason I went through so many online relationships as a younger person was because I was terrified of being honest for a change, and if I got dumped I'd be able to handle it better. I'm so scared of rejection that I don't put myself into the real world, and this whole incident with New Ex is why. The real world sucks, harsh but true.

 

I'm so certain I'm going to end up dying alone. Even if I do meet that special something, I feel in my heart that fate or God or whatever is going to throw hardships at me until one either kills him or makes him leave. The first year of marriage will be a disaster for me, I'll be lucky if it lasts that far. Heck, I'm lucky if I make it to marriage. I've never once had a relationship, other than with the gay boy, that lasted more than a year. And that relationship didn't count because I knew he'd never love me in the way I loved him. I'm trying so hard to forget, to try and be happy... but there's no happiness worth fighting for that won't kill me if everything goes wrong.

 

I've lived vicariously through others and my own lies for so long that when I try to be me and get hurt, I go into this alternate mindset that doesn't allow for this weakness. I thought when one of my relationships ended, that side of me died thus setting me free, but I'm not without it. I'm not sure anymore what hurts worse, getting stabbed in my heart or the heart I've created to protect the real me.

 

I'm only real when I'm on here or with my best friend, sad but true. Why I lie, I don't know. Protection, most likely, because if I do what the rest of the world does I won't be strong enough.

 

I'm so messed up right now, and I can't show anyone this who will understand. Half the world will tell me to suck it up. The other half will tell me to stop crying because -insert list of happy thoughts.- Only a tiny fraction of the world gets this, and even then half of them only grasp the half of it because I won't paint anyone a picture of my mind.

 

I'm more than one person. I've known this for some time and because of this I can understand many different people. But if you're able to level with me, or even to understand me, without calling me insane... then you are an overall amazing person. You see, there is a difference between insanity and me. I don't see or hear things. I don't think I am what I'm not. Instead, my different personalities interlock, there's no separation. I can be a b**** and a soft-hearted person. I can be lovable and cold. I can also be one or the other. But this complexity... it's something that either sets me apart, or makes me like everyone else. Everything that I've thought was unique about me, is something everyone has. Everything I thought was common, almost no one has. That's a question I can't answer.

 

I'm looking for so many personal outlets to this well of possible craziness, but I haven't found the right one yet. Men are all the same when it comes to one thing: they are NOT attracted by a woman's neurotic side. Girls are one of two things, they either are too busy to really listen or will use what you say to them against you if you fight. I've considered therapy again, but I'm not sure what they could do to alleviate this. Anti-depressents are dangerous and can take my moods to a whole worse level. Talking it out with a near stranger isn't something I can do. My only other option is to go get the same prescription as my mother, but this makes her more or less neurotic, so even that's a no.

 

I can see why some people never fall in love. Once you do, there's no turning back. It's like a drug, you crave that happiness love brings. When it ends and it hits you like a speeding train, you fall into depression which makes you need that happiness more. I wonder why evolution caused us this, perhaps because our biological clocks are telling us we NEED a partner and to spawn, and if we don't have one then the hormones stop flowing and we get depressed, telling us we MUST find a partner or we won't pass our genes off. It's harder when you know you can't get anyone you set your mind on. The human brain is so... annoyingly complicated, but so is the brain of animals. One of my family's cats wouldn't eat or sleep for days when her lifelong 'mate' and companion (another of our cats) died. We had to take her to the vet in order to get something to make her eat, she was worrying all of us and still is to some degree.

 

There's so little to be understood about love, it's a chemical but it's so tangible one can almost cause it to flow by thinking of their favorite lover.

 

My song for today isn't rock, but I like it.

 

Gary Jules-Something Else

 

They never tell you

Truth is subjective

They only tell you not to lie

They never tell you

There's strength in vulnerability

They only tell you not to cry

 

But I

Been living underground

Sleeping on the way

And finding something else

To say

It's like walking on the freeway

 

They never tell you

You don't need to be ashamed

They only tell you

To deny

So is it true

That only good girls go to heaven?

They only sell you what you buy

 

But I

Been living underground

Sleeping on the way

And finding something else

To say

It's like walking on the freeway

 

Oh I

Been living underground

Tryin' not to burn

And finding something else

To learn

Hollywood and western

 

I don't want to do this tomorrow. But if I let myself go, I let him win. I don't know how much longer I can keep fighting him and my depression before both get to me, I'm about ready to crack as it is. People are trying to listen, but it's like I can't tell them exactly how I'm feeling, I'm so afraid of them just saying "No, I'm done with you and your whines." I need love right now. It's something I'm addicted to, but I won't probably find it because I'm not cut out for anything that requires repetitive failure and pain.

 

Goodnight, everyone.

 

-dedem

[dedem]

Please Consider This My Checking "The Will Not Attend" Column

 

My cousin's bridal shower is coming up in a few weeks, but it's in Kentucky. Home of tornadoes and miles of flat areas. After what happened in the Carolinas, I wouldn't feel safe going especially since it's during tornado season... so I'll probably not be going. Or to anything else really, I haven't been feeling up to social outings. Every day, something hits me anew, until I start despising the little ripples I make in my world. I stir things up a bit, yes, but I get so tired of it... that and being someone who is meant to be either loved or hated, no in betweens. M considers everyone her acquaintances, and refuses to hang with anyone and form a real friendship. Her reason for refusing my invite to go shopping was that I'm me. Loud, occasionally rude, and strange. She's too obsessed with normality for me, I guess.

 

E has also been drifting, but no matter. I'm not going after anymore men. Or women, for that matter, until I find a place where I can just take a break from life. Just because some of us pride ourselves on stirring things up doesn't mean we always want to, but after awhile I just can't help it.

 

New, Squeaky-Clean Personality Fresh Out The Dry-Cleaner's

 

Right now I'm thinking of changing myself. Again. I want to be an emotionless, secure, confident woman who just doesn't trip over her own feet. I'd like to not care anymore what the world thinks, because if I keep caring like this then I loose that part of me that's really important, that difference I've tried so hard to keep. I'm just like everyone else, different on the inside. But once you start caring... well you start being someone else who you are not just to make the masses see you as something good. It's a bad habit that turns you into a poser or one of those pathetic people who follow others around trying to be accepted. I just want to be me regardless of them.

 

But I can't stop this annoying quirk of mine which causes me to stutter or loose confidence, or worse yet, freeze up in a fast-paced situation. If someone's insulting me, I want to be able to take it and throw back something they can't handle. If I'm being squashed under someone's foot, I want the strength to stand up for myself. And if I just want to command respect, I need confidence. None of these things I can do without a few minutes of thought and advice from someone else.

 

Strong women get men and keep them. If dumped, they get over it and become more misanthropic. Sure, there's a fine line between being a b**** and being strong, but I would never be cruel to a person who didn't deserve it. Even in high school I hated cheerleaders, who albeit having strong personalities were above everyone else and made life miserable for others. Now, I dislike those who take advantage of others for no reason other than "because I can." Including very b****y girls, they shed a single tear and the world beats a path to their door trying to 'save them.' A real woman doesn't need saving, she's the kind who'd rather do the fighting.

 

To sum it up, I want to be Jordan on Scrubs. If I've said that before, it's still true. Or better yet, I want to be Carla, but I'm not Latino so there's no way I could pull off her sass. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll change again over the summer break, and when I return to class I'll have the strength to tell people how and what I feel at any one time.

 

If I'm okay with being hated, then my life is set. And yes, I'm hated, M reminds me of that daily. Many people dislike my ways, as long as they don't affect my life I try not to care. Pathetic spineless people are the ones who crave the world's approval and are more concerned with getting all to like them. I've got a heck of a personality, so that's out of the question. Besides, why should I change myself for them? It's just not who I am as a person to be a petty or always happy 19 year old. -sigh- Been on this rant before, so I'll cut it short.

 

In other news, I'm growing more and more exhausted with life. Falling asleep during class isn't an option, and when I get home I'm to be working. With major assignments due within the next couple weeks (I'm out in the middle of May), I'm lucky if I fall asleep before 11. Then, because of the way I am, I wake up daily at 5. I wish I could sleep later, but my body doesn't allow it. Fun for me. /complaint fest

 

Here's the song for the day. It's called Good Life, and it's by Francis Dunnery.

 

Softly Now,

You owe it to the world

And everyone knows that you're my favourite girl

But there's some things in life that are not meant to be

I'm not meant for you and you're not meant for me

Here's to our problems

And here's to our fights

Here's to our achings

And here's to you having a Good life

From Me

Good Life

Softer Now,

You owe it to yourself

And don't think that you will be left on the shelf

Cause there's someone for you and there's someone for me

Like me you'll meet them eventually

Here's to your lover

And here's to my wife

Here's to your children and here's to you having a good life

From Me

Good Life

 

Baby Baby Baby Baby

Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby

 

Louder Now,

You've lost all your pain

You're married with children and happy again

And now I'm regretting the move that I made

Fatal mistakes are so easily made

Enough of my problems they only cause fights

Forget that I rang you

And promise you'll have such a

Beautifully happy and painlessly romantic

Good life

From Me

Good Life

 

I received this from a mutual friend, it causes me both emotional pain and feelings of moving on. I dunno, I just hope the song is true.

 

-dedem

[dedem]

If I Knew Everyone, I'd Go Insane

 

This may sound odd, but I've been having a weird shoe thing lately. Not a fetish or anything, but I'm noticing more and more the different footwear that different people wear. Unlike clothing, shoes can tell you everything you need to know about any one person. A girl who likes boots and (sometimes fancy) sneakers enjoys comfortable things and doesn't care about style, or want to give a vibe to guys that they are both sporty and attractive. Girls who wear pinchy, expensive sandals are usually obsessed about their appearance. Those who wear high heels think they're either sophisticated, classy, or just wanting to seem like the queen. Alternatively, guys who wear expensive shoes usually are either obsessed about appearances or trying to make themselves seem better than other guys by showing off their wealth (thus attracting more girls) and also can have the personality of what I like to call a "gunner." They may sell anyone out in order to get ahead. A guy who wears boots can be one of many things, from someone who is dangerous to someone who enjoys 'roughing it' in the wild. He who wears sandals either wants to show off his feet or has no clue about fashion and wears socks along with them. He who wear's a lady's shoe is either gay, bi, or trying to be funny.

 

Generally, popular brands go with people who want to be in style. Unknown but stylish brands go to either the spendthrift or those who are themselves. Unpopular brands belong to those who don't care about fashion for various reasons, or are too poor to afford the shoes they really want. If you think about it, everyone shows a great deal about themselves via their shoes. Money, personality, 'style' moral... I don't know why I'm reaizing this, maybe because it's all many girls talk about.

 

What do my shoes say about me? Not sure. I wear primarily boots, or converses when it's too hot. Comfort and semi-difference, I suppose. I take amazing care of my shoes in regards to my other clothes, a pair of boots will last me two years. So I dislike change since i never have more than two pairs of boots or shoes at any one time.

 

Enough psychoanalysis. As the title says, if I learn everything about everyone I will go mad. I don't have the brain space to know who's dating who, who broke up and why, what someone is thinking at any one time... and then I see the Facebook. For the thousandth time, I will NEVER make a facebook. Why? I tell most people it's because I don't want to deal with the drama. But in reality, I love being private, and I give that gift of privacy to others. It's a temptation to fill one's mind on a bunch of useless info on others, so I'd rather not be social and get one of those accursed things. Much to the dismay of others.

 

I'm kind of lonely right now. Bestie hasn't messaged in awhile, nor have most others. I understand that people need their space to do whatever, but I like having at least one person to talk to every other day. I may not need hundreds of friends, but I'd die if I only had one. So here I'm in a pickle. I could sign up for a social networking site. OR I could sit and wait until someone decides to message or text me. Not sure which I dislike more. As stated before, I do NOT want to know all about everyone. But I also don't want to be alone.

 

Some days I think it'd be easier to just drink my problems away, but that's one of those bad roads that when you go down, you can't turn back. I'm already about a hundred miles down one of those right about now, don't need to add another self-destructive path. If the rest of the world can remain sober through bad times, then so should I.

 

I think I complain too much. About me, about life in general. I should stop this before I drive others insane, my outlet is here.

 

No song today. I haven't heard anything good as of late. Night all,

 

-dedem

[dedem]

Fire Fascinates Me, People Annoy Me

Upon my finishing of the troop drive I came home and wanted to google a dream I had about a fire, to see all the fires that happened that night. It took place at another home that I've never seen before, and I knew for certain a child had died, but after that everything got fuzzy. So I thought if I researched on recent fires it might jog my memory, it's so rare of me to remember any dreams, even nightmares. I harbor this strange feeling about fire, I fear and love/respect it at once. If someone starts a fire near me, I'm content to sit and stare at it, for hours upon end. It's even more fascinating when the fire is in a home or building of some sort, to see the aftermath of the damage and the oddness of the few things which survive. Like in one picture I saw, it was of this old lady's (who by the way lived, the only part I don't like is that fire kills) glass coffee table, it was still standing and had now a dark swirling pattern on it from being just on the edge of the fire. I would love to own that table now, it just seems so interesting... plus the metal was warped, giving it character.

 

I dislike reading about when people die in fires, wasn't until today that I realized that. I get rather depressed reading about the death that beautiful element brings, though I could care less if people were worried about stuff. It's just stuff, if my home burns tonight then I will buy new things and start over. Might even be fun, sifting through the damage. I just don't really have a concern for what's not living, it's easily replaceable. What I'm more scared of is for my family, myself, my plants, and my cats. They can't be replaced, and yes I did include my plants. It can take them years to grow to the point where they become special to me, but once they do I become possessive of the way they are. For example, i have a jade plant that looks like a mini tree with moss growing around it, so it's virtually a tree on a hill. Sometimes I keep jewelry on it, to make it look even cooler. -sigh- I dunno what it is about fire, it's a destructive yet mesmerizing force. Most beautiful things are.

 

I'm at the point where people are starting to seriously bother me. One friend is mooching, others won't talk to me. And sure, they've got their own issues, but i feel like they don't really have too much of an interest in being friends with me. I managed to have a little fun on Friday with Evan, but I know in my heart it's not gonna get serious.

 

What amuses me though, is how New Ex feels about me even talking to Evan. He refused to talk to anyone at the table on Friday after witnessing me and Evan laughing and being friends. His sister kept asking him what was wrong, but he kept shaking his head. And i'm laughing internally, because he does so regret his choice. but here's the deal. I won't take him back unless he's willing to:

 

-commit

-communicate

-actually try to care

 

All three of which I know he won't do. So there's no relationship there, i barely want to be friends. He and I just aren't compatible, I knew that from the start. I really ought to stop attaching myself to people. It's not worth it, because EVERYONE I get attached to winds up leaving me. I'd rather just suffer my own demons then to deal with anyone else's, it's selfish but this way I've been living is going to kill me. I can't keep crying when I see someone get hurt. I need to be able to coldly laugh at the crap that happens in the world, or I will end up breaking down at everything. Weakness is something that destroys life, if I'm not strong then I'm weak. There is only so much strength in crying, if there is no cause then there should be tears.

 

But there's still the feeling like someone is missing. I want someone, but it's not really anyone who surrounds me. Even Evan would just be a fling, I really have no idea what he's talking about when he talks about his video and computer games. He's more meant for skinny Amber anyway, she's a geek and has her own style just as he does. Just because me and him share same tastes in clothing and music, doesn't mean we're really anything more than friends. I'm an idiot for allowing this crush to continue on instead of keeping it how it was. Buuut.... that doesn't mean I won't milk it just a little. If my ex is lost because he basically destroyed every opportunity he had, then that's good news for me. I want him to suffer for making me believe that there were tons of good people in the world.

 

What no man gets about a woman is that we want certain things in their personality, the biggest of mine is a guy who won't let me down or lead me along with false promises and lies. We don't want just sex, which is so much different from guys of my age... half the time they enter a relationship just looking to get something rather than to be open and committed. Right off the bat with both my exes I was being told what a "good body" I had and how they wanted to be with me. I try to stir some emotional things up instead of it just being physical, but they just didn't communicate.

 

I quote Sophie Devereaux when I say this: NEVER put your faith in a man. Men don't communicate. So what do we do? We project onto them about us and our lives together... it's all rubbish, we don't know what they want. You want to know what they're thinking about when they're off staring into space, looking all romantic? Their JOBS. It's all about work to them, that's all they care about.

 

Granted, Sophie was really angry at Nate for having completely ignored her while they were on a job and completely forgetting the fact that it was a wedding, but it's true. And yes, I'm a huge Leverage fan.

 

If only I was Parker... she's emotionally distant, socially dead, and basically completely oblivious to the fact that the rest of the world thinks she's insane. Ach, but no... I can communicate my feelings for a man. Badly, but it's still possible for me.

 

This is the song for today. Sad yes, Vocaloid also yes.

 

 

Can't I Even Dream? (roughly translated)

 

I'm desperately looking for you

I even let go of what I have possessed

Winds blow as if they slashed my ears

My freezing body feels nothing but pain

 

I'm here

It's really painful

My heart is filled with pain

If I stumble while running

I can never go back

 

I'm here

Get me out of here my prince

Can't I even dream?

 

In the rain penetrating my eyes

I pretend to be crazy with a smirk

 

I'm here

It's overflowing

I keep bearing this love

If my screams don't reach you

It's completely unworthy

 

I'm here

Get me out of here

My prince

 

Can't I even dream? (x3)

 

No..

 

What am I missing that everyone else has... I keep hearing my brother and his girl, they seem happy even if she's playing him like my mother suggests. I look at my friends, dysfunctional and possibly first-year commited relationships filled with fighting, what is it that they found that I've never even seen? What keeps them together, even when they hate each other?

 

And why haven't I found it... as I've said, I've never had a long term relationship. I can't even imagine what it's like to be with someone for more than a few years. And everyone tells me oh, you're young and will find someone someday. Someday is either now or never, I'm young right now, but just not pretty enough to have a relationship that matters. When I'm 40 I'll be alone too, and everyone will still tell me there's hope... but it feels like it's now or never, and I'm late to the game on everything. I'm still a virgin, I had my first kiss at the embarrassing age of 16, I'm not counting when I was 8 and we were just experimenting.

 

I want someone to be besides me emotionally, spiritually and physically, is that too much to ask? If fate would just kindly hand me more than one steady relationship I would be happy, even if the first few end. As long as I find somebody... but fate, as I think I've told you, is cruel. I will not find happiness until I give up and then it'll be too late.

 

Wishing I was a plant,

 

-d

[dedem]

Tell Me How Does It Feel To Feel Like This, Just Like I Do

 

My moods have changed again. I can tell you that this is healing, but I can't say why I'm healing. I guess after a certain point of crying, you just stop caring for a bit, and in those moments of rationality you think through a good chunk of your problems. Then the sun comes out and you feel better, in good time of course. The sky is turning white, it was sky blue a moment ago. Either a storm is coming, or just some clouds. Either way, goodie for me. If it's raining, I'm depressed, but if it's thundering I'm usually okay.

 

What really helps me to get through my sad moments is the same stuff which may drive others insane. I look at love as partially just chemical reactions, the other is spiritual. It hurts me more to think of love as spiritual, though I can seek some comfort in knowing that if it was meant to be I would still be with one of my exes. But what's really keeping me going is the fact that this is all biological. I am happy when I am with someone because my clock is telling me now is the time to look for breeding partners, and if I'm happy with someone then I'm likely to stay. I am sad when I get dumped mostly because that is nature's way of telling me I need someone to pass my genes on, and being by myself will not accomplish that goal. The other part is that I built a future, when really I shouldn't be seeing anyone in my future. Not friends, not family, no one, because the only one who is going to remain constant in life is me. My rational mind is constantly telling me that to stay sane I must befriend myself. And it's right, because at the end of the day that is really who's there for you. It doesn't matter if you find the love of your life because one day one of you will die and leave the other alone, unless you are so lucky as to die together at the same moment. Death is inglorious, 70% of all people go it alone even if they have family at their side. The panic at one's body's shutting down subsides to a variety of emotions and finally to calm, then you go and where you go is your own business.

 

All I have to hope for is that when I die I can say I lived a good life. Regardless of what my brain might tell me I will not be here forever, just looking at the maturation in my physical body I can see that all things are not temporary. I will become plump or wrinkled and things will get old. It's just life, and for some reason that comforts me. I like the idea that I am not eternal and that all my sufferings will end. That said, I know for certain I'm not ready to die yet. There are still many things I've never done, I've never been outside the states and I've never even been to Europe. I've never jumped off a building attached to a bungie cord. I haven't even tried most of the world's foods just once. So even if I'll do those things alone, I can deal with that because when it comes time to die I will have successfully done everything i need to do.

 

Should I die in 2012, I probably won't die happily. But if I live to see 2050, I think I'll have enough experiences to say that I'm fulfilled and know exactly what I'm doing and what I want from life. Yes, i've been given some pretty painful slaps from some pretty immature and mature people. But I got back up, and if they try again to knock me down then I'll have the strength to take their slaps and turn it into the punches they all deserve. Half of them are miserable because they realized too late that they've virtually screwed themselves over in life, and those that aren't suffering haven't come to the conclusion that there is in fact something seriously wrong with them. Eventually though, they'll see that they've done some godawful things to good people, and if not, they are more sad then the saddest people in the world. Only fools turn a blind eye to errors without fixing them.

 

Heck, even I've wronged some good people. For example, leading an Asperger's boy into thinking I liked him while lying to him all because I felt sorry for him. Or all the other times I've lied or stolen from someone because I liked the idea of them being distraught over it. Am I proud of these things? No, and so I change myself. When I'm proud of what I do I will be okay with myself. Until then it's a grin-and-bear it type of deal.

 

I think I'm in a numb stage, or just a colder emotion that I've never really named. I must say, I enjoy it. My mind is somewhat clear and I'm not crying or planning on it. I can look back at myself and see where I've gone wrong without injury, for example I've come to terms with the fact that because I take things like my breakups to heart, I'm either an incredibly weak or incredibly durable person. Either way, it'll shape my future.

 

I just wish that there was some way of me keeping this mood of mine, because if I could close myself off from the world I would have time to sort through the rubble and find what's valuable to me. I only have ever needed two people in my life, ever, and that was a close best friend and a good-for-something boyfriend. I can function with one or the other. However, that's not good when you're trying to close the world OUT for a change. I am not going to be selfish and say I don't want my best friend around because that is such a horrible lie and I'm trying not to be a liar. But I will say that to become fully withdrawn from the world I will need to force myself to only need to show true emotion around my best friend. My logical brain knows for a fact the risk I take every time I connect emotionally to a person, but it also understands the need to have that connection. So if I can solve the puzzle of how to ensure there's always a way to connect with someone, then I am set for life. Better yet, how about people change instead, so that they NEVER change. Therefore if I connect with my one or two people then those two people would be bonded for life and there would never be any question of my or their happiness so long as we all had each other. The world would be so much more peaceful... but that is not how the world works, dedem.

 

Anyway, I'll stop boring whoever has the common courtesy to read this with my tirades and just cut straight to the song. Also, I've decided to stop writing this as if it were a blog. People don't care one way or another and it just seems like I'm TRYING to get others' attention. All I wanted when I came to this site was a place to store my every feeling so that it wouldn't end up killing me, and so that is all I'll take.

 

This song is a song that seems selfish, but it's helping me to destroy the feelings I have for others who will never return them.

 

It's called Tearing Away, by Drowning Pool. I won't bother with lyrics today. Too repetitive for me to bother.

 

 

[dedem]

I'm That Crazy Person Yelling At The Microwave

 

Today I was a shut in. Due to unmentionable female problems I haven't been able to get out of bed other than to use the bathroom, and have just recently been able to move to a rocking chair which is causing me back pains, but if I get up I'll fall over from combination of dehydration and a headache. I can't seem to keep anything down, so I may as well give up. Some days it hits me really really hard...

 

I'm going to now unload two weeks of suppressed crazy. You will die looking like the people in Pompeii, sorry but I have to erupt.

 

Okay, for starters there's my figure. I despise it more than anything. I got this brand new dress and was going to take a picture of me in it when guess who but M walks in, tells me I look pregnant and then leaves. Now I can't stop checking off all the features I despise about myself. There is my hair, which is having a frizzy day. I look like a white girl trying to pull off an afro, and the stupid curls in the front won't smooth down. There's my nose, which seems to be getting bigger, and my two eyebrows are caterpillars because my old waxer got fired and I don't trust my new one. I desperately need a face lift but if I get one I'll get depressed because I NEED one.

 

My butt is huge and I look like an elephant. My feet are disgusting, even more disgusting than guy feet. I can't even talk to my best friend about all my insecurities because she's got way more than me and if I even say the slightest thing it feels like I'm making it all about me. My boobs are way too small and my face looks like I'm the wife of humpty dumpty.

 

I don't like anything about the way I look or the way I feel about the way I look. I don't even like the fact that I'm having a mental breakdown right now. But again, no one should have to listen to me whine.

 

I'm also a psychopath and how do I know this? The microwave cracked the cup I was heating some tea in and it got everywhere. I tried to clean up but I only got a massive burn on my hand. So I spent the last hour and a half screaming obscenities at the microwave before I realized it won't yell back. I'm searching everywhere for a fight but at the same time avoiding all my friends because the slightest thing will set me off right now and I'd rather not let my b****iness come between the very precious few relationships I care about.

 

I positively despise half of my friends, but when I need to fight with them they run away. Only my real friends seem to take to heart what I say, which I guess shows how close they are but it still seems unfair.

 

And to top it off, I can't seem to stop watching scrubs and I am getting sick of it, but if I stop then I start feeling sad and wishing I could watch it and it's just not good.

 

I really want to bang my head into a wall right now because I'm starting a fight with Sarah and I have NO business whatsoever telling her what to do. Goddang today is going horribly... if I start crying again then that'll just top my day off.

 

/volcano of pyschobabble which no one has to listen to. I hate my hormones... hate hate hate them. I become ten times more neurotic than I already am on the first day, another reason NOT to go to class. This great big mount crazy will drive everyone around me insane.

 

I'm going to go take a nap... I've already done myself in with my best friend and I'm trying but failing to back out. She's now depressed because she thinks everyone is angry at her when really that is not true, I just feel horrible right now and am itching to say something to someone and start a massive fight. Better go to a place where no one cares what I say... IF i'm still like this after the nap that is.

 

My songs today are all E-Nomine. Here's one of my favorites, I have too much of a headache for lyrics.

 

 

[dedem]

Healing and Feeling Rhyme

Today was a weird day for me. For once, I DIDN'T try to avoid being around New Ex... even though he's gotten clingy with Alex. More clingy, anyhow. I wonder if they're really friends or if there might be some strings of feeling there, however Alex is 5 months pregnant and he's got his own crap to deal with. I'm thinking it's like my relationship with one of my guy friends, no hope of anything more than friends but it still comes off like we'll end up together.

 

Weird thing is, it wasn't until we both ended up alone looking at baby pictures (contest Alex and Mary wanted to do, it was guess the professor) that I realized that although he and I have no feelings for each other, we're in an awkward place. I also realized then that I was moving on... regardless of the fact that i am single and feeling like i'll be forever alone I don't want a man with one foot out the door.

 

I think Evan senses my crush... so I'm leaving him be until it fades. I am NOT going to bother going after anyone else, and he has every right to sit wherever he wants. I think he doesn't like me, so it's not worth emotional investment.

 

Loneliness is going to kill me though, I wish I could find someone and get it done with. No more fights, no more messy relationships, no more cheaters or scumbags... just a decent man with a good heart who I can love unconditionally until I die. It's all I want from life right now.

 

Guys are so tricky girls women like me... either they cheat, are scum, dislike our strong personalities, or have no clue about our feelings. It's like sifting through a garbage bag looking for something shiny and meaningful. If I were Elliot... I would have married Keith and just hoped that I can keep loving him forever despite only wanting to be married. She's neurotic, sure, but a girl like her? She could have any guy she wanted. I'm so jealous of her... even if she is just a TV person and in reality is a mean-spirited know-it-all who was once a cheerleader and an 'A-lister' type of girl.

 

Speaking of know-it-alls, the guy who I talked about in one of my previous posts is back and annoying the crap out of me. Turns out he and I share a Latin class for as long as we study the language. I can't say a word without getting all... ugh, I don't even know how to describe it. It's a combination of hate and attraction which I can't stand, the guy is an arrogant jerk who hates me most of all. He's the Dr. Cox in my life, but the only problem is he's my age and in no way my superior, but acts like it.

 

I don't know what it is that attracted me to him in the first place. He's a horrible person and a cruel one at that, but something tells me he's hiding secrets. It takes one to know one, half the reason many guys bother with me is because I close my inner self off from the world and every now and again they catch a glimpse of it. It intrigues them that although I appear to be mean and cruel, underneath is the sweet hearted girl who I refuse to silence. That, and the fact that my eyes are so attractive in comparison to the rest of me.

 

I've also been thinking about my past relationships and how I learned the hard way not to be shady with what I want. I gave New Ex the wrong signals, it seemed like I was in it for sex and not for love. He, too, just wanted to make out all night and have fun. So when I took a step and expressed what I wanted from the relationship (for us to be open and happy and not all about making out), he left. I also think I may have moved too quickly and he may also have been pitying me, but those could just be my insecurities.

 

IF I find someone else, I hope I don't move too fast... no real steps besides kissing until at least 10 dates in. Only a sl** shows the girls before that. I should also make an effort to actually do something instead of hang, to get rid of temptation. This is all of course IF I get someone, but I dunno. I dislike me. And yeah yeah, love myself before I love someone else. Thing is, I have more self-esteem knowing I have a man rather than to be alone.

 

I should really just go out and drink tonight... friends are having issues left and right, people are crying or laughing, and I'm stuck at the bottom of a hole wishing I had half as many dates as my friends. A sad, wishful dedem is a useless one, so here's to my problems and here's to my fights, and here's to others having a good life.

 

Night,

 

-dedem