Abandoning, drunk, schizophrenic and now....a paedophile

I have had an emotional evening and can't seem to gather the courage to sleep.

In january i came out to my mum as bi. She didnt take it very well and hasnt been taking it very well. She doesnt seem to be coming around to the idea.

But tonight in one of her outbursts, she spurts out that as a child, my dad abused me when i was 2. I dont remember anything of it. There are vague memories of other things which i don't care to look into any more. She also told me that he did the same to my aunt when she was only a child.

Up until now, i thought my father was just a schizophrenic drunk who was never there for me ever. But now, i have realised that he was a schizophrenic drunk paedophile who deserves every bit of the suffering he is undergoing now. He's in a care home, with no loved ones...i couldnt imagine a worse place to be.

Although i don't remember the abuse, i have struggled since the age of 14 with depression. My sexuality has always been a hard for me to decipher. I have always had a suspicion that something traumatic had happened to cause it.

I am scared to have kids. I don't want my faulty genes to be passed on. I dont want any bit of that man to live on in this world.

I always counted myself as lucky to have had a sheltered upbringing....ha, little did i know.

I hate him. I feel disgusted with myself.

The worse thing is that despite my mum knowing all about this, she still wants me to become straight. Which i know i am definitely not!

She still cries at the mention of the word gay. It's not enough that i am in my third year of studying medicine and have somehow managed to become a well rounded likeable guy. No. She wants me to change my sexuality.

sorry for the disgruntled, broken-up rant...i just needed to vent somewhere. ARGHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

I'm sorry to hear this. It's natural to feel disgusted with yourself but you really have no reason to feel that way or to feel ashamed at all.

I think it would be a good idea to look into some kind of professional help to help you to deal with this.

I'm sorry I don't have any other advice.

It's understandable to feel upset at the situation. I would resist the temptation, however, to jump to the conclusion that your sexuality is the result of some sort of traumatic experience. That's generally just propaganda thrown around by conservatives who like to believe that heterosexuality is the norm and people only end up "deviating" from that because of a poor upbringing. That's very likely why your mother told you what she did; that's probably how she is rationalizing your bisexuality in her own mind.

And this is why I hate muggles. Really, I feel nothing but pity for you and other's who endure this kind of from fellow members of the human race.

In january i came out to my mum as bi. She didnt take it very well and hasnt been taking it very well. She doesnt seem to be coming around to the idea.

Even though it's the 21st century, people still seem to be ignorant to the idea of a sexuality that isn't straight, ESPECIALLY with a family member. It's stupid, it's ignorant but you'll have to accept it because stupidity and ignorance will never go away. But think of it from the other side, too. She's probably thinking "There's so much I don't know about my kid." She probably thinks she did something wrong; a lot of parents do when they learn about their child's sexuality.

But tonight in one of her outbursts, she spurts out that as a child, my dad abused me when i was 2. I dont remember anything of it. There are vague memories of other things which i don't care to look into any more. She also told me that he did the same to my aunt when she was only a child.

Up until now, i thought my father was just a schizophrenic drunk who was never there for me ever. But now, i have realised that he was a schizophrenic drunk paedophile who deserves every bit of the suffering he is undergoing now. He's in a care home, with no loved ones...i couldnt imagine a worse place to be.

Your mother shouldn't have told you that, not like that at least. She might feel as if it's your father's fault for your bisexuality since he molested you and that's why she brought it up. Your father is sick in the head. Whether he deserves it or not, he's better away from the people he hurt and the people he could have caused harm to.

Although i don't remember the abuse, i have struggled since the age of 14 with depression. My sexuality has always been a hard for me to decipher. I have always had a suspicion that something traumatic had happened to cause it.

I am scared to have kids. I don't want my faulty genes to be passed on. I dont want any bit of that man to live on in this world.

Bisexuality is not genetic, nor is it "faulty", anything to be ashamed of and it might not even be because of trauma. It's something you should start being proud of, especially with the struggle you had behind it.

I always counted myself as lucky to have had a sheltered upbringing....ha, little did i know.

Sheltering will actually lead to ill-preparedness and perhaps confusion once you get out in the real world, to be honest. Ha.

I hate him. I feel disgusted with myself.

Don't hate yourself. It is NOT your fault. And don't hate him either. Hate what he did, but he's sick in the , forgive him and thank him because what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Don't waste a space in your heart for people like him.

The worse thing is that despite my mum knowing all about this, she still wants me to become straight. Which i know i am definitely not!

Hell no, man. Tell her to get the hell used to it. You should be happy being you, and you can't just BECOME straight and you shouldn't have to. It's something she'll have to learn to accept. The LGBT community have fought very hard to get where they are, and even so, there will always be that person/group of people who refuses to accept homo/bisexuality and declares it a sickness. Eff 'em all, no matter who they are.

She still cries at the mention of the word gay. It's not enough that i am in my third year of studying medicine and have somehow managed to become a well rounded likeable guy. No. She wants me to change my sexuality.

If she can't focus on the good things about you, YOU focus on them when no one else will.

Why put your sexuality on that table as her business to discuss?

Live as you wish, and should there come a day when you have someone serious in your life for her to accept or reject on his or her own merits, then deal with that as it comes.

Do you think it's possible that she said that to make you doubt whether or not your bisexuality is because of who you are? Do you think she might want you to think that you're bi because you were abused?

I think you should explore this with a counselor. There is nothing genetic about pedophilia, so I don't think you have to worry about passing that along, you didn't get it, right?

What an awful thing to say and to just spurt it out like that! She wasn't sensitive to your feelings at all and it's not fair. I really feel sorry that she behaved like that.

But I agree with some of the other posters here that the abuse (even if it's true - I myself wouldn't be 100% sure it happened, maybe she just said it to upset you? Could that be possible?) most likely didn't "cause" your sexual preferences. You are who you are and she has no right to tell you what your preferences have to be. She has no right to tell you that she "wants you to be straight." It can't be done! If you're bi then you're bi and nothing will change that, it's just something you were born to be. And I too feel sorry for you because there are so many people out there who still to this day think everyone who is not strictly heterosexual must be "faulty." You're not faulty. And you're most definitely not guilty of anything, even if the abuse took place. You were 2! You were a child! It was the responsibility of your parents to protect you. Obviously, they failed their job. It wasn't your fault!

Hang in there. If she continues to pressure you or make you feel bad, I would recommend not talking to her until she realizes she's not being respectful. She should accept you just as you are.

Thank you soooo much for your replies. Your support is appreciated. ALOT!

I sometimes get this fear whenever the subject of abuse is brought up. As a medical student, we had to do some child protection training and it was absolute torture to sit through. I thought i was going to throw up.

I feel a lot better though, I am away at university now so i dont have to face my mum for a while.

I feel i have something to fight against; to make sure i dont turn into my father.

Thanks again for all your help

Decs xx

I had a dad that sounds a bit like yours did. I always thought I had to fight against being like my Dad as well until someone said something to me that made me think and look at things differently. You know what the difference is between me and you and our Dads? We know what they did were wrong and just how extremely wrong they were. My Dad will never admit nor acknowledge how wrong his actions and emotions were. But I know that what he did to us growing up was beyond wrong and because of that I will never be like him.

You know what your Dad did when you were younger (Or didn't do) was wrong and because of that you won't be like him. You won't inflict such a pain that you know onto another person or a child.

As for your Mom accepting that you're bi. Maybe in time, a long time, she will. And maybe she won't. But at the end of the day it's your life and you need to live it to the fullest that you can no matter who supports you or doesn't. Otherwise you're just not living.

I had a dad that sounds a bit like yours did.

Thanks It's nice to know i'm not alone.

Your post causes me to question something and I hope I can make a point without sounding offensive. How can I explain?

I was sexually abused by my dad too; also my brother, my sister's boyfriend, a neighborhood kid, a neighbor.... I remembered everything except what my dad did to me. This is because my mother is skitzophenic and I was raised by my dad; who I learned to love. Also the abuse happened when I was very young (younger than eight) and I attributed my sexual issues to these other events. Really the abuse I endured from my dad made me easy prey to these others, but I could not see that.

Thing is, I did something kinda strange. As an adult (now 31), I went into this viritual world called Second Life and I started acting out impluses; things I thought about, desires, whatever... I often thought about being a sexual masochist. I acted out these fantacisies there I also met someone who attempted to control me though sexual addiction and I eventually developed a sexual addiction.

The remarkable thing is I eventually realized that I was using sex to repress my pain and at the same time the sexual role I was playing was digging up that pain. This is because I watched my dad do many terrible things to my mom when I was a child. I was actually "acting this out." By doing so, I put myself in a position where I could sympathize with my mother. But, I was also repressing painful memories and using sex addiction to cope with that, thus sympathising with my father also. Eventually I saw it and had to face the truth.

I have since learned a lot about a pattern of sex abuse in my family. I suspect male/male sex abuse, but it is so taboo, noone wants to talk. It just has me thinking about how male sex abuse victims respond (I'm trying to understand why my dad was so ill).

I also have two male friends whom I grew up with, both of which are gay. There were abused kids too (I attracted similar kinds of people). My grandfather (dad's dad) was anti-homosexuality, but was caught cross dressing a couple of times. His dad (my great-grandfather) molested my aunt and I suspect he also molested my grandfather as a child.

Anyway, I love my gay friends because they are great people, but I'm starting to think like your mom is thinking; that these "gay impulses" might actually be a way of you "working out" what happened to you psycologically. I mean, I'm a masochist, but now I can see I've been a masochist as a way of sympathising with my mother. Maybe this is actually a way you are sympathising with your dad.

I don't know. I do know what you expieranced was truly wrong and I'm so sorry you had to endure it. I could really care less if you are gay; I realize that must be a really tough thing also (I don't want to discourage you). I only want to point out that I am noticing this connection and I can see that your mom thinks there is a relationship between the two. I think that is actually very common. It's hard to be in a realationship while you are healing from sexual abuse. Perhaps you should try to move further along in your healing and then reevaluate your sexual preference? Are you seeing a theripst?