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Thread: When is it okay for my Boyfriend to take another girl out?

  1. #1
    WithSomeLove
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    Question When is it okay for my Boyfriend to take another girl out?

    Heres the situation:

    We had a huge fight when he was going to go over to a girls house to work on a movie project they were doing together.

    This time (it has been like a month) he was very up front with me about meeting a girl he knew from a while ago who still had his favorite dvd and was going to return it. They were going to meet and have lunch.

    Why does my stomach sink over this? Why do I get jealous about this? After all, he was very honest... but for some reason I do not like him spending time alone with other girls he has not already known for years and they have not been friends for a while.

    He a few sweetheart girls who are friends whom I do not feel this way about if he spends time with them... they are like sisters to him, but i get this worried jealous feeling when its anyone else pretty much.

    I know he is trustworthy, but why is it necessary for him to have intimate conversations with other girls and connect with them?

    I am very open here and just want to know what is socially acceptable, I am willing to give a little because I love him.

    What is a good compromise?

  2. #2
    petite
    Platinum Member petite's Avatar
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    Is he friends with these girls? Meaning good friends not just someone he met recently? You say he has intimate conversations with them? What exactly do you mean intimate and how much time does he spend with them compared to time with you?

  3. #3
    velvette
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    ok, why do they have to meet up for lunch, if she's simply returning a DVD? she could easily mail it to him, or hand it to him briefly. on the other hand, at least they aren't having dinner. if it's just lunch, as long as it doesn't last for hours I'd just let him go.

    jealousy is a natural feeling but it isn't always rational. if you think it over and trust him, then you should let it be. would you even want to tag along, anyway? awkward, haha.

  4. #4
    HeartGoesOn
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    Does she know that he has a girlfriend?

  5. #5
    alli
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    You should have set up some guidelines at the beginning of your relationship regarding contact with people of the opposite sex. It's still not too late to do that now.

    For me, it seems reasonable to say it is perfectly acceptable to meet with the opposite sex regarding business, or as friends in a group-setting, or fast-food or chain restaurant (think Subway, Paneras) type of thing. It is not acceptable to meet one on one over dinner or drinks. Of course, nothing is completely black & white but this would give each other an idea of what you each are comfortable with.

    To me, the first situation you described in which they were going to exchange a dvd & have lunch wouldn't bother me, unless I felt that either of them were attracted to the other. For my fiance, I can think of some women he could do that with & it wouldn't bother me at all, and others in which I would prefer that they didn't. To me it's not how long they've known each other, but how that female behaves in his presence.

    Now, the movie project I would probably lay off a bit. I mean, it's a school project, they HAVE to get it done. If they worked on it fairly early in the day it would be fine. If they were working on it until midnight, I would probably prefer that they work on it during the day.

    It's hard to work this out sometimes when you each have your own point of view on this. But you each should try to see how it would feel if you were in the other person's shoes. How would you feel if you had to do a class project & your bf wouldn't let you go to your partner's house to get it done? And how would he feel if it was you who was going to some guy's house for the same reason? Supposedly, putting yourself in the other person's shoes lets everyone see the other's point of view a bit, but it doesn't really work with my bf & I. We usually still disagree.

    Hope you can work it out. You may not like some of the people he hangs out with, but as long as you have no reason to believe he is being unfaithful and he isn't spending a ridiculously large amount of time with other reason, try to keep your feelings of jealousy contained with a level head.

  6. #6
    iBroken
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    That kick in your gut pain is instinct.....its telling you something isnt right

  7. #7
    alli
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    Quote Originally Posted by iBroken [Register to see the link]
    That kick in your gut pain is instinct.....its telling you something isnt right
    Sometimes, but sometimes not. My ex was paranoid of me cheating on him. Didn't want me "talking to guys" (hmm, I'm in the Army so that's not gunna work) or even hanging out with a group that included females and males. I even asked him once if I went out with a big group of girlfriends and one had their boyfriend come along, if that would be acceptable, and he said no. And I never cheated on him, not even close.

  8. #8
    FathomFear
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    Quote Originally Posted by alli [Register to see the link]
    You should have set up some guidelines at the beginning of your relationship regarding contact with people of the opposite sex. It's still not too late to do that now.
    If a guy tried to define "guidelines" for my behavior I would dump him almost immediately. But that's just me.

    For me, it seems reasonable to say it is perfectly acceptable to meet with the opposite sex regarding business, or as friends in a group-setting, or fast-food or chain restaurant (think Subway, Paneras) type of thing. It is not acceptable to meet one on one over dinner or drinks.
    Trust should be not specific to circumstances. You either trust your boyfriend or you don't. "I trust you at fast food joints but not at bars" is what you're basically saying here.

    Ultimately, I think a lot of straight couples get too hung up on this. It seems to stem back to a kind of playground mentality, where both parties assume that opposite sex friendship isn't really possible--or that it only survives if there is an underlying physical attraction. It's a mentality that should be seriously questioned and put under a microscope, IMO.

  9. #9
    Timbertea
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    The word codependent has been twisted to where it means something negative these days, but all serious relationships are codependent. You depend on each other for certain needs, be they financial, emotional, physical, and otherwise. One of those needs is security, and trust.

    I look at his behavior in a very positive light. He told you about it beforehand, essentially asking you permission to go out with someone to lunch, and work on a project to avoid it being a source of jealousy.

    He was trying to find out if it was something that truly makes you uncomfortable; he gave you the opportunity to voice that discomfort when he asked, but you elected not to answer that honestly. The next time its something that you know will make you uncomfortable, you need to voice that discomfort. It will give you an opportunity to voice what you both expect as far as boundaries, and come to something you both can agree with.

    I give my fiance a long leash, but I do occasionally pull on it if I have reason. She gives me a fairly long leash, though not quite as much as I give her. There are some people in my life she views as genuine threats to our relationship, and not entirely without some justification (even though I have no intention of acting upon it, the opportunity would be there if I wanted to).

    If you have something worthwhile with your SO there is nothing wrong about being protective of it. From my view, part of that protection is not putting yourself in situations that are likely to threaten it. I get the same courtesy your boyfriend extended to you. If she wants to go out on a lunch date, or sailing, or what have you with a male friend, she lets me know, and I have (should I exercise it) a good deal of veto power over that. I give her the same courtesy, and though its caused a moment of annoyance or two, its not like its worth it to go against that, and create a hornets nest if its something I know is going to cause her discomfort. I simply defer to her out of respect for her feelings.

    That solution has worked for us for the past 3 years. Maybe it will work for you.

  10. #10
    Heart On

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    What is a good compromise?
    What's good for the gander is good for the goose!

    If he see's no problem crossing into your "insecure zone"
    I wonder how he would feel if you crossed over into his.
    Last edited by Heart On; 06-07-2010 at 11:28 AM.

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