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Thread: Boyfriend of 2 years hides things from me. Not sure what to do.

  1. #1
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    Boyfriend of 2 years hides things from me. Not sure what to do.

    Hi,

    Just some background. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years. We've lived together for about 1 1/2 years. I would say we have a good relationship. We have fun together, we trust each other. I've had several bad relationships in the past so I've always been on guard to a certain point. The great thing about my boyfriend is that he's also had bad relationships in the past so he understands my need to protect myself. He has no problems with me snooping in his phone, we know all of each others passwords, everything.

    For the last few months I have done minimal snooping because I've come to trust him totally and completely. Tonight I was bored and decided I would check out our phone records just for the heck of it. In the phone records I looked through the past couple months and the only thing I saw was a few text messages to a girl friend of his that were sent last week. They dated before we met, she is engaged and lives far away. They are friends on myspace and facebook and I'm fine with it. I'm 100% sure there is nothing going on and nothing ever would.

    The reason I am having a problem with this is because I never saw these messages in his phone. We use each others phone pretty regularly. I checked tonight just in case I just didn't see them and I found that they had been deleted. Why???

    I know nothing is going on, but why delete these messages. I know that if I say something to him about it, he will say something like "we were just talking and I knew if you saw it you would get mad". By the way, I would NOT get mad because I've learned to trust him.

    A couple months ago another girl from the past sent him a message that supposedly just say "hi". He deleted it and never wrote her back. Again, WHY delete it??

    Anyone have any ideas why he does this or what I should do about it. I'm planning on leaving him a nice little note for when he wakes up in the morning.... something like this...

    Hi Dear,
    If you value our relationship, I would STRONGLY suggest you stop hiding stuff from me. There is nothing worse than a liar and a cheater.. I donít think you are a liar or a cheater but you are a sneaky son of a b*%#h who likes to hide stuff, which is almost as bad as being a liar and a cheater.
    Final Warning!


    Any suggestions or advice??

  2. #2
    Platinum Member waveseer's Avatar
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    I suggest you wait until you cool off before you bring it up. It sounds like he was just avoiding unnecessary trouble. Sometime when you are both relaxed you could mention that deleted stuff arouses your suspicions. Personally, I feel that your relationship is intrusive if you both have access to everything of the other's.

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    Leaving a not like that would be WAY out of line. He could have deleted the messages just to make room in his inbox, or deleted the "hi" one because he had no desire to talk to that girl. You are getting way ahead of yourself for no reason by calling him a sneaky son of a * * * * * just over this petty stuff.

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    Platinum Member faithful14's Avatar
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    i wouldn't leave that message for him because it will piss him off and make things really bad. I would wait a day or two when you are not so upset and then bring it up.

    And be ready to confess that you went through his phone, saw the messages, and saw that some of them were deleted. Before you accuse him of anything, give him the chance to tell you his side. If its a load of crap, you will be able to tell.

    Were the messages you saw inappropriate or sexual?

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    I'm not sure if this is the case with him, but maybe he just likes an empty inbox? I religiously delete all my sent and received texts every night before I go to bed. I like waking up to a clean slate. Might sound silly but it's habit.

    So I guess my question would be, are all texts deleted or just a select few?

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    Platinum Member arcadefire's Avatar
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    That note is very accusatory, almost to the point of saying he's cheating on you, which you have no solid proof of.

    If you need to bring it up, you should start with that you were looking through his phone and you found some things have been changed the last time you used it and that these changes were a little odd to you. I wouldn't go into details. Be general and see how he reacts. You don't want to accuse him of anything.

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    Thanks for all the replies.

    He does NOT delete all of his messages. He only deleted the messages to and from this person. The others are there. So yes, He did talk to her, and then purposely went through his phone and deleted only the messages to and from her.

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    That is still no justification for leaving such a nasty note. I agree with the others that you should take some time to chill out and then talk to him about it calmly.

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    I agree that I should be calm when I talk to him.

    I want to make it known that I don't appreciate him hiding things from me. I'm not sure how to say it politely and get my point through.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I got a little uptight just reading that. I'm not even in the relationship! Final warning. Holy wow - sounds like a threat.

    Originally Posted by waveseer
    I suggest you wait until you cool off before you bring it up. It sounds like he was just avoiding unnecessary trouble. Sometime when you are both relaxed you could mention that deleted stuff arouses your suspicions. Personally, I feel that your relationship is intrusive if you both have access to everything of the other's.
    I agree.

    And I think that the "everything is open to each other, no privacy" thing you have going on is more likely to cause lack of trust than build it (which I assume was the idea behind it). You either trust or you don't - I don't really agree that all personal privacy should be sacrificed to try and earn trust. Especially considering, this isn't a situation where he cheated on you or something and then later had to prove things are different.

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