ouch! emails from ex (now 4 months apart) says never loved me and about to get married to new guy

Ouch

! need helpful tips to move on, please

...see also posts # 12 and 16 for information updates...

my ex gal(now 4 months apart) says never loved me and about to get married to new guy.

ouch...we broke up in sept after going together for 1 yr 10 months...said she never loved me the way I deserved...over this time period of 5 mo apart (since september last year) i sift through what I want/need and then decide to call her a week or so ago to see if she wanted to get together for a coffee to talk (and for me to test the waters)....she had previously tried to facebook me as a 'friend' (''missing you as a friend!'') and I blocked her and sent an angry then heartfelt few letters of regret...flipped back between 'not wanting to be friends with exes' to 'perhaps down the road'...anyway....

Since Oct/Nov she had met up with some sailing dude who was a ''guy's guy''. (his name i find is john as stated in the letter below)

...anyway last week I got a return to my voicemail but in an email asking if she'd like to get together (NOTE: due to having some $$ she took a yr off from work to travel the world (think ''eat love pray'' revisited, lol).

"Hi Joe:

I got your voice mail. If you want to talk, that is fine. I would like to be your friend, but I'm confused. I thought you didn't want to be friends with ex's?

As I told you earlier, I'm very happy. I'm enjoying life to its fullest. I had a great time in Costa Rica, and John asked me to marry him. So, my life is good. I'm enjoying my time off, my travels, my new love life and all is good. Hopefully your life is going well too. I wish you all the best and if you still want to talk, then please call. Until then, take care, L'.

I did send her an email yesterday ensuring a cheque had arrived ...she responded it had thanked me and said to call anytime I needed a friend..that she ''was sorry she hurt me and hoped I found someone who could appreciate me and get the happiness I deserved''...then this morning I awoke with a bunch of unanswered questions ie what does John have that I do not etc etc about six emails in total so I guessed she got impatient and hence the final harsh but firm email below...so I just want to give perspective here...I wasn't a rebound as she had divorced from her husband 5 years ago and had dated a few others before me...plus and this is key she did in the beginning say she only wanted to have fun and not get serious ...but she did later say she fell in love with me too...so I also have to take responsibility too for any pressures I placed on her and didn't listen to what she did and didn't want. She wasn't into me for money or whatever either since she had that already.

THen I feel compelled to give it one last stab and start to ask why she did break up (after our break up I scampered away not wanting to hear of what was really going on) ...only got her ''don't feel protected''...''need a guy's guy who can fix things/be a handyman''...''we're too different''...''i was lonely so used you and realized this on the trip and thus decided to end it.''

THen I get this email today (below) to finalize the final kick to my other remaining ball (and funny I feel both mad at 'wasting' so much time with her' but also somewhat forgiving as we all have been lonely at times, right'...i guess once she uttered those 'i love you' words it was hard to backtrack...anyway..it was a real ball buster and i'm feeling both numb and a bit shell shocked.

(the financial ref is about me comparing myself to john who has a boat and whatever whereas I don't). (in the letter is a mention of Kevin who is her ex hubby of 15 yr who had an affair on her, btw)

''J, you have to move on. All these e-mails will not change the situation. I never loved you. I tried fooling myself, in hopes that we could make it as you are a very nice man. I thought that love was just for teenagers and that I would never feel that way with anyone after Kevin. I was looking for companionship more than anything, and as I told you, you are great.But, that being said, I was wrong.I should never have let the relationship go on for as long as it did. We really ran out of steam after the first 6-8 months, and I should have broken it off for good at that point. I know I tried on several occasions, but being new to dating, I didnt handle it well. That was why I was always moody, trying to push you away in my passive/aggressive way. There was nothing you could have done to change the outcome. We are very different people. You always made me question myself, to me it seemed you wanted me to be a different person. Our break up has nothing to do with your financial situation. You were never the man for me, I was never attracted to you, never had the same values as you. I was so wrong to date you for so long. I'M VERY SORRY FOR THAT. But, please, stop the e-mails, stop thinking that if you did something differently it would have lasted. The relationship would never have lasted, no matter what you did differently. So,please stop beating yourself up, and find someone else!''

I had SO many good times with her...i mean it wasn't perfect but obviously i was deluded and a bit needy (and she didn't help any with her constant flow of cards, words, emails of 'I need you, want you, love you')...a part of me DOES feel forgiving towards her for what I expressed already (we've all been lonely/made mistakes, fallen in love with the idea of being in love)...

So it's now almost 6months and I feel hurt and raw again (thank god not as hurt as it would have been at the beginning if i had received this...but i feel i've taken a few steps backwards, too)...but i have no wish to be with any other woman either...so dating is a turnoff right now (have to get to know a whole set of problems...plus feel envious that she has clicked so well so soon with 'john'...the * * * * er!....any tips on what has helped you move on in similar circumstances?

I am trying to be positive, ie, count my blessings: she did give me some wonderful memories and a better feeling for what I do want in a woman (she has some of those qualities) as well as what I don't want (ditto for her, too).

..and thank god we were not married (so no legal entanglements) and / or it wasn't after 5-10 yrs of such ''illusion'' happening....I DO want to be there for her, to be honest..(she does express regret)....am I whacked?

Sounds like she's drawn a very definitive line. If you had absolutely no feelings for her, you could try for a friendship if she really was that worth it to be around. But I don't get the feeling that you're completely over her. So I think you should walk away and leave her in your past. It sucks but at least she's being honest and giving no room for doubt here. Take her completely at her word.

Hey,

I think hard as it is to hear those words, you should be grateful to a degree. She has responded to you, been warm and caring about it, given you answers, been up front, taken away the need to ponder what you did wrong, and has not left any small door ajar for you.

Yes it hurts, and i get that believe me. But sometimes relationships end, and this is about as good a break up as you could hope for. Take some time for you and be kind to yourself.

thanks sparkie and zeitgeist.

I was in a few weeks or so to send her this note:

...your thoughts?

"Thanks for everything anyway, laurel.

A part of me can't feel as angry as I want to be

(...am I being too nice of a guy perhaps?)...

or is it because I know that, despite everything, you are at heart a good person who just acted in poor judgement

(and we all mess up in that area).

We all get lonely, I understand, but once you said those words of

'i love you' (along with the many cards, emails and gestures you

extended all along our journey) perhaps you felt it hard to backtrack

...regardless you're still responsible ultimately for what you do and the effects they have on the hearts of others.

You did show me--even if it was illusory, even if it was one sided and even if

I was the only one to have felt it--some wonderful and inspirational visions of what

I want my love to be like...and because of such I am so very grateful...plus I'm grateful that our relationship

didn't carry on longer than it did, wherein more hurt/emotional entanglement would have occurred, making

anything amicable in the future difficult.

Because of being with you, Laurel, I do have a clearer idea of both

what i want in a woman (you have some of those lovely qualities

I am seeking) alongside also ones,too, that I best be without.

I do want to be there for you, Laurel...

you touched me in some wonderful ways.

....perhaps down the road.

Best wishes to you.

I will miss you."

I wouldn't send it personally. She is just not in the headspace to appreciate what you are saying. I'd let it be. If anything, just a quick note to say 'thanks for being honest with me; i appreciate that. Good luck with everything, and no hard feelings.' It will convey much more to her than trying to berate her or make her feel guilty for what she did. hard as hell, but i'd let this one go and suck it up if possible.

that's the kicker, eh?...when they're * * * * * es and bastards it is easier to move on because you can use the anger and hurt to push them away and create a barrier to allow healing...but when they're honest and somewhat civil/nice, * * * * does it really sting!!

Thats right where i'm at. My ex means well, and we both have our faults. I can't and won't hate her. We both love each other, and both wish it could work out, but after so many stop starts, and so much history, she can't see away forward, so is going with her head, not her heart. I can't go round in circles either, but want to try some more. She doesn't. In your corner mate. Sometimes, life just sucks.

What on earth do you still want with this woman? That email was degrading. She told you she never loved you, was never attracted to you and that it was a waste of time and you question this relationship further? Walk away from her and never speak to her again, the faster you do it the quicker you erase her from your mind and be able to find someone who appreciates you. You ended up being one long reboud for her and thats it

And ask yourself what would you do differently next time and surround yourself with as much TLC as you can...my social network is small and so I relied on laurel too much I know (and vice versa, too)...a way to console myself is knowing that TONS of broken hearts are scattered all over the friggin' place....maybe this IS really my time to take care of myself and avoid the strong need for external validation, among other things to work on.

Sparkie.... know of your situation as per your 5 yr FWB issues...yeah that's tough as I mentioned to you, too, and the broken trust issues....

I guess we BOTH have to walk away and get and give love in other ways to mend our hearts...that there ARE other more suitable people out there for us, too (just the thought of going through all that again is so daunting and downheartening.....but to acknowledge, too, that my relationship was NOT perfect at all (if it was we'd be together right)?...so around and around and around I go...but at least now I have some DEFINITIVE * * * * and get off of the pot information to move ahead knowing that that there are NO second guessing...same for you amigo, however hard it is, as you've mentioned.

Casey13...thanks for the tough love approach...as per her comment of ''not being attracted to me'', well she was ie always hot for me in bed, bro (and that's why it's easier to let it go as she never really lit my fire in that area, so thinking of a guy 'doing' her doesn't bug me as much as her falling in love with him (john)'...being compatible is one thing but really seeing if you're compatible in temperament/problem solving too when reality hits after the big romance is over is something entirely different.

I now wonder what this john dude is to her, too? i mean after 4-5 months he proposes? like what the * * * * is that?

hey canali,

Sorry, about what is going on in your life. I know it's tough my friend. It truly sux!

To sum it all up she basically used you! I would NEVER respond to something like this! Leave this alone and move on with your life! She got engaged in very short time! Do you seriously want to be with someone that treats you like this? Think about it!

Try your best to go NC and not reply. You are better off and you want to someone telling you they truly love you instead of playing with your heart and walking away like nothing. You deserve better my man!

Stay strong and let this woman go!

gee

What on earth do you still want with this woman? That email was degrading. She told you she never loved you, was never attracted to you and that it was a waste of time and you question this relationship further? Walk away from her and never speak to her again, the faster you do it the quicker you erase her from your mind and be able to find someone who appreciates you. You ended up being one long reboud for her and thats it

I totally agree. I think this woman is a witch. What kind of person says the things she says. What kind of person carries on ad nauseum about the new love of their life to their ex. That in itself made me angry. I am willing to bet that this guy serves a need in her as well. It sounds to me like she has very shallow emotions and she is probably using this guy like she used you. Richie Rich has a boat and now that marriage is in the cards she will be settled for life. She is so full of herself and so arrogant and condescending. I wouldn't bother contacting her again. Take her off that pedastal. She is no great shakes.

i really love how people are SO divided: either 1/kick her butt to the curb

vs 2/ hey she was at least honest and drew the line, but still move on.

interesting....I think now it's time to take the 'tough love' approach and move on. (but you see for all of you who have not had our experiences you don't see the good sides/experiences as well...it is so easy to apply our own filters of hurt and project them onto someone else's plight, right?

as per her being ''settled for life with richie rich'' please keep in mind that she already has $$$ as per an inheritance hence the ability to take a full year off and travel/sail, do the frig whatever she wants to....i trust her in the reply that it was not about the financials as she did p/u tabs on alot of our outings together and splurge on me, too.

I think basically she just was lonely and her letter spells it out: we all f...k up.

so maybe she is doing me as favour by being a bit ' * * * * * y' and making me grow some friggin' balls....

There is a fine line between tactful honesty and cruel gloating. This woman obviously has an ego problem. Truth is, I don't believe she loves the new guy either. In my experience, people like this only love themselves. They see people as a means to an end.

I am sorry this happened to you. Realize that you are indeed better off now. At least you don't have twenty years and two kids with this lady.

Remember that what goes around, comes around. It is quite possible that at some point in the future, he'll trade her in for a newer and younger girl.

Put your energy into healing yourself and releasing her. Good luck to you.

Thats right where i'm at. My ex means well, and we both have our faults. I can't and won't hate her. We both love each other, and both wish it could work out, but after so many stop starts, and so much history, she can't see away forward, so is going with her head, not her heart. I can't go round in circles either, but want to try some more. She doesn't. In your corner mate. Sometimes, life just sucks.

that strikes a chord...not a particularily nice one...i sometimes wish it could be more concrete...the uncertainty can be truly destructive.

Having money doesn't preclude somebody from wanting more. For some, it is never enough.

Trust me, leave her behind you. Don't look back.

I did send her an email yesterday ensuring a cheque had arrived ...she responded it had thanked me and said to call anytime I needed a friend..that she was sorry she hurt me and hoped I found someone who could appreciate me and get the happiness I deserved...then this Morning I awoke with a bunch of unanswered questions ie what does John have that I do not etc etc about six emails intotal so I guessed she got impatient and hence the final harsh but firm email...so I just want to give perspective here...I wasn't a rebound as she had divorced from her husband 5 years ago and had dated a few others before me...plus and this is key flagr did in the beginning say she only wanted to have fun and not get serious ...but she did later say she fell in love with me too...so I also have to take responsibility too for any pressures I placed on her and didn't listen to what she did and didn't want.

I think sometimes people read a thread about an email, and assume that is the sum total of the person in question. She's a cow, so move on. Obviously she wasn't or you'd never have been with her. Obviously there were some good times too. So whilst moving on is clearly the appropriate thing to do, it doesn't necessarily make it any easier to do. There will still be some sadness, and I wouldn't be denying yourself the opportunity to grieve this if you need to. Find some balance in the varying opinions, and just act with dignity.

I think sometimes people read a thread about an email, and assume that is the sum total of the person in question. She's a cow, so move on. Obviously she wasn't or you'd never have been with her. Obviously there were some good times too. So whilst moving on is clearly the appropriate thing to do, it doesn't necessarily make it any easier to do. There will still be some sadness, and I wouldn't be denying yourself the opportunity to grieve this if you need to. Find some balance in the varying opinions, and just act with dignity.

Nobody said anything about that being the sum total of the person....but it does indeed show a very negative part of that person. Her email was uncalled for. Sure, there may have been good and loving times. However, it is not a good idea to live in the past and what good times there were...the fact of the matter is at the end when she moved on, rather than doing it graciously, she rubbed his face in it. That says a lot about the underlying character of the person...something which may not have come out during the loving times.