"Dear Mark" (is how it will start)

Today is a day full of realizations, that I don't imagine I will ever recover from. I am sure that someday I will move on, and perhaps will even find someone new, but I shall never forget you, and the pain that I associated with you.

Yesterday I read your words to CJ and I realized fully that she had what I never had of you. I read the "I love you's" and the "I miss you's" and my heart was racked with silent pain because I know now I never really knew you at all. You speak of times that I know not of. You speak of places and people that I took no part of. Now I wonder if we were even on the same planet, because this was all so foreign to me. I looked for love from you, I looked for truth from you. I saw love in your letters to CJ, I saw truth, I saw spirituality, I saw growth, I saw respect, I saw pursuance. All of the things I looked for and none of the things I saw.

I realize now that you never did respect me. You said you did, but you lied. I realize now that I didn't ever really exist in your world. You existed in mine. I saw that you had dreams and aspirations I never knew of. I saw the way you loved, in a way I never knew you were able. It was a love I've looked for from you for years.

I've made excuses for you for so very long. Now I am so ashamed of myself, of being so foolish, of wasting so many kisses, so many hopes and dreams on you. I understand now what I never understood before, that I was never really a part of your life. All the times you never called, all the nights you never returned my calls, all the times you told me you were too busy, all the times you said you hated emails and that's why you wouldn't reply to mine. And yet I read line after line that you had written, asking, no begging for the one that you loved to call you back, email you back, or both, you said.

I never really knew you. I thought I did. You said I did. I did not. I read things as if I was meeting you for the first time, and how can that be, after over a decade of conversation and time spent together. Now I know, if I wasn't in front of your face, I wasn't in your mind.

It has changed the way that I feel about you, and about us, forever. It has erased the "us" that I thought was rock solid, and replaced it with a fantasy that never really existed. I no longer trust you. No longer do I even know who you are. The Mark I thought was real was a figment of my imagination, and now I know this, and my heart is crushed. My dreams are crushed. My hopes are crushed. My heart is not broken, it is a pile of mush. I have no idea how to even bounce back from this. You see, I understand you cannot help what you cannot feel. My anger, my humiliation, my shame is in that I made it so much more than it ever was not. You and me, we were a pair, I thought. We had ties, we had strings, we had a connection that was special.

No, we had nothing. We had me making a huge effort that you barely responded to, and had I not read those words yesterday, I would not have known that was out of kilter, but I did, and now I know. I know what you are capable of feeling, and thereforeeee never felt for me. I know how you are capable of behaving, and yet you treat me with disrespect, almost disdain at times. I hate myself for continuing to try. I hate myself for making a fool of myself, giving you chance after chance. I hate myself for letting you having a part of me that was supposed to be so special, and realizing now how it meant nothing to you. How I meant nothing to you. There is nothing you can say to me now. Nothing you can do to "fix" this. No words to undo whats been said already. I will never trust you again. I will never let you in my heart again. I will never give you a piece of me that you never wanted to begin with.

Now I know; I read the emails, I felt the want, the love, the emotion you felt, and I knew that our entire history has been a farce. Never a necessity for you, although it was oft times life's blood for me. I never ever thought I would say these things, I never ever thought I would get to a place where I no longer wanted to see you, hear from you, talk to you, because to do so only brings more pain and humiliation. I know you know. I know why you ignore, why you disrespect, why you chastise and make fun of me. You hate me. You would never say it, but there is a part of you that despises me, and I did not understand this until yesterday. It is why you understood so quickly how I felt about John, and why I felt like everything had been a lie. Because you identified, because everything had been a lie for you. You played along because you were getting gratified, but you never really loved me, never really liked me, never really wanted me. Until yesterday I did not understand that. Until yesterday I couldn't understand. Now I do. Now I know. Now I am so ashamed. I want to hate you but I can't, all you did was what so many others have done, you tolerated me, then you used me. I am so humiliated and ashamed of my stupidity. No one else could get me like that, but you did, and I never understood. Yesterday I read the words never intended for me. I read the feelings never given to me. I read the love never shown me. I read the respect never given, read the truths never told to me.

I don't know exactly where to go from here. I know that I don't want to see you. I know that I don't want to talk to you. I know that I want far far away from you. I deleted you from my phone. And yet I could not delete you from MySpace. Why? I do not know. I do know that I don't know how to do this. I know that I need to erase you from my life, which shouldn't be too hard since I was never really a part of yours, as I found out yesterday.

I feel sick, and ashamed, and embarrassed, and angry, and hurt, and whatever like emotion I can think of. I feel used. I feel betrayed. I feel lied to. I feel used and thrown away like a dirty dish rag. I trusted you. You said you trusted me. You don't even know me, and I didn't really know you.

I want to let you go forever, and I don't know how, but I know you will make it easy, because I know I was never in your heart to start. A blip on your map occasionally, a necessary evil to deal with to make yourself feel human I suppose, but you never wanted me, you never cared about me, you never loved me, you never valued me, you never really were a friend to me.

I have lost, and it is a loss equal to death for me right now. It can't even be over, because I know now it never really begin, only as a figment of my imagination. I know you will not miss what you never really wanted.

All of this I learned yesterday, and today my entire world is upside down. Today everything I thought I knew about me and you is totally demolished.

I am done.

Is this just for you or is it for him?

It is my letter to him. I don't know if he comes to ENA, if he does and he finds it, I don't care. If he never finds it, I don't care. At this point, I am so confused and hurt and ashamed, I don't much care about anything.

It is my letter to him. I don't know if he comes to ENA, if he does and he finds it, I don't care. If he never finds it, I don't care. At this point, I am so confused and hurt and ashamed, I don't much care about anything.

Wow. Did you have a feeling of relief after typing that? Even a little?

At any rate, it is the first step to recovery. It'll be a long and treacherous road, but you'll make it. Time is equipped with 4-wheel drive for such roads.

I hope you heal soon.

Wow. Did you have a feeling of relief after typing that? Even a little?

I hope you heal soon.

Thank you.

I guess maybe it was cathartic in that I needed to say these things. Part of me hopes he stumbles upon it and reads and will know, because were he to ever ask, I don't think I could explain it any better than this. The thing is that I really can't blame him for not loving me. I can blame him for other things, but even in that, it was my own stupidity that allowed it, fostered it even.

I don't know when this pile of mush will reform itself into some semblance of a heart again. I know that my discovery, as I shall henceforth refer to it as, has shaken the very core of not only who I thought he was, who I thought "we" were, but also who I am. How I could have been so blind, so naive, so dumb, etc etc....I have to reconcile that to myself before I can begin to heal.

We aren't perfect, that's for sure. At least you recognize all of these things. That's one positive thing to take from it.

The thing is that I really can't blame him for not loving me. I can blame him for other things, but even in that, it was my own stupidity that allowed it, fostered it even.

I am glad you recognise this. Because the impression I got from your letter was you were putting the responsibility with him.

I hope the letter helps you move on.

Many of us have made that same mistake when we are young. It is a learning experience, that's all. It doesn't make you any less valuable as a person. Learn from it and move on. If you do that, the next guy you are with will have a wonderful partner!

I am glad you recognize this. Because the impression I got from your letter was you were putting the responsibility with him.

 

I hope the letter helps you move on.

Again, I do not blame him for not loving me. You can't help who you don't love. I do blame him for doing and saying things that fostered my opinion that he loved/cared/wanted/cherished/etc me. After my discovery, I realized that what I was getting from him was in actuality none of these things. The stupidity on my part comes in to play because my gut always told me something wasn't right, and I refused to listen.

Many of us have made that same mistake when we are young. It is a learning experience, that's all. It doesn't make you any less valuable as a person. Learn from it and move on. If you do that, the next guy you are with will have a wonderful partner!

The sad part about it is I'm not really that young. I'm 39, and should have known better. This is the toughest thing/relationship I've had to deal with in my adult life yet, and I'm still bewildered and unable to make sense, only that I feel completely stupid and embarrassed. THAT'S a hard lesson to learn.