I think I need to break up with the lady I've been seeing...

...and this is proving to be a very difficult decision to make...

It's just like this...

The first, second, and third date were fine, but after that, I've been coming home, scratching my head, wondering why I'm still seeing this person. Basically, there were a few dealbreakers that I learned about that I was willing to let go of for a variety of reasons. Some of them are:

1) She's still married but separated. This is normally a HUGE NO for me, but she explained to me that there was no chance of reconciliation with her ex, and she plans to file the papers. However, on all of our dates up to this point, she's brought him up at least once. Tonight, she mentioned that she was talking to him about some problem she's having with her car. Sure, it's only about the car, but still, why does she need to talk to her ex about it? Go to a mechanic, get it fixed, and let it be done with! This does not make me believe they are "beyond reconciliation" as she's been telling me. Sounds like they are on good terms instead. She also mentioned to me last night that he was her "high school sweetheart." Why would I care about this?

WHY does she feel the need to talk to me about her ex?

Am I a date or a therapist here?

I actually asked her point blank why she felt the need to tell me all of this stuff last night. Her response was, "I don't know. I just wanted you to know that I've had a rough life."

I don't know what the heck that was about, but I've had alot of people try to work me by making me feel bad for them. Don't go for it anymore.

2) She smokes. She explained to me that she was trying to quit, so I let it go. This is her business, not mine, but I can't see exposing myself and maybe my family in the future to second hand smoke. No way.

3) All she seems to want to do is go to a bar, and it's driving me nuts. This is what we've done for the past 3 weekends. We were planning to go to the beach next weekend initially. Her mother has a beach property that we were going to use, but it turned out that we could not for some reason. I suggested getting a hotel, which she was fine with at first. Tonight though, she said that she didn't like the hotel idea, but didn't give me a clear reason, so she said "we can just order a pizza and later come hang out here" - here meaning the bar AGAIN. Argh. Btw, I don't think the issue was staying over night with me at some place, because it was her idea to use her mother's property one weekend. What I told her was that I was willing to split the cost of the hotel with her, since we could not take the beach house, and part of me wonders if she backed out because she didn't want to have to pay....

For the past few dates, I've always come home feeling like I really need to end this and move on, because there are too many dealbreakers and I'm not feeling anything, but I keep going out with her, because I did have some fun and she's a great person otherwise.

Tonight though, with the ex coming up again, I'm just sitting here feeling like - no matter how great of a person she is, I don't want to put myself in a position where I get hurt again.

Do you guys think I'm being reasonable or overreacting?

I feel like I really need to do this, but I don't want to hurt her, but I know I might be the one getting hurt in the long run if I don't do this.

You aren't overreacting, all three of those are significant issues, especially the separation that doesn't seem to be moving forward. The time you spend with this woman could be spent finding someone more compatible. She's going to have trouble finding decent men who will tolerate the fact that she's separated, so maybe your taking action will give her a push to get that moving.

The "bar" thing may seem trivial to some, but I know exactly where you are coming from on that one also.

WHY does she feel the need to talk to me about her ex? Am I a date or a therapist here?

You should have written her a bill for psychotherapy services!

On another note - you're 26, no dead marriage behind you, not a lot of baggage...why do you accept this crap? If she couldn't hold her first marriage (or at least didn't know that they weren't a good couple in the first place) what makes you think that she suddenly changed or get smarter? If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck....usualy it IS a DUCK!

No, you aren't over reacting.

She's a nice person in her way, you've had some fun, but it's time to say good-bye now.

Have you made the decision yet? Cause then it's just actually doing it.

Keep in mind it is much kinder to cut it off as soon as you know it isn't going anywhere than to drag it out. Even if she doesn't show it - she'll appreciate it down the road, that you would show her respect.

good luck.

If you were 56 and not 26 I'd give the same advice not to date a woman who is still married whether or not a reconciliation is appropriate. Whether it's financial reasons or other reasons she is not moving forward with a divorce and financial reasons often are very emotional reasons. and yes, of course she doesn't have to use her ex as a mechanic and have more contact with him.

I also say this because of the other issues - the two of you don't sound compatible.

I would put aside the "people try to work me" attitude - even if it is true here, having that attitude will give you a bias like that which is distance creating even with well meaning, sincere people.

Red flags all over the place. I actually don't think the fact that she's not divorced yet is the big issue. If she is legally separated, that does mean something even if she has not filed for divorce (although that is suspect). Anyway, I see the fact that she has so much contact with her ex, her smoking, and her only wanting to go to that one place all the time as even bigger issues. Yeah, sounds like a no-go.

Well, everyone, I went through with it. I sent her an email telling her I wanted to end things. It was very difficult to do.

I know that alot of people are going to say it was not the best way to do it, but I thought it was the best move for me in this case. We were only going out for a month, so I didn't want to get into a long, emotional conversation.

My feeling is - this was definitely going in a bad direction, so I wanted to quickly put an end to this (RIP the bandage off!) and move on.

I hope she doesn't write back or call me, but I am preparing for it. I didn't give her any reasons in the email. I just said that I didn't feel that we were going to work out, so I thought it was in my best interest to end things. If she writes back asking for reasons, I guess I will have to tell her. I owe her that much if she wants to know.

I will also tell her - finalize your divorce, get yourself in gear emotionally, and THEN you can call me sometime, but right now, this is a NO GO for me.

This whole situation makes me sad. For one - because I was stupid enough to keep it going, even if only for a month. Secondly, I don't like the idea of hurting someone, but it was either her or me, and I DO NOT want to set myself to get hurt again.

Over e-mail--Yikes! Not the kindest route (had it done to me so I guess I'm biased) but I guess it gets the job done.

...and we have another problem...

She just sent me a text saying "hey, how's your day? etc.

I guess she hasn't read my email yet...

What should I do?

Should I ignore her and wait until she reads it later?

or

Should I write back and tell her something???

You don't need to respond right away, so wait.

...and we have another problem...

 

She just sent me a text saying "hey, how's your day? etc.

 

I guess she hasn't read my email yet...

 

What should I do?

 

Should I ignore her and wait until she reads it later?

 

or

 

Should I write back and tell her something???

Ignore the text. She'll get the email eventually. Yet another reason not to break up over email. *Sighs* I hope you never will in the future. Have the courage to say it to the person's face. Unless they are violent or abusive...then I wouldn't even email, I'd just run.

 

I suggested getting a hotel, which she was fine with at first. Tonight though, she said that she didn't like the hotel idea, but didn't give me a clear reason, so she said "we can just order a pizza and later come hang out here" - here meaning the bar AGAIN.

Just tell her no, i have arranged the hotel thats where i want to go. If you arnt interested then i'll arrange other plans.

For the past few dates, I've always come home feeling like I really need to end this and move on, because there are too many dealbreakers and I'm not feeling anything

Then end it. To be honest though, apart from the marrage thing, there are no big deal breakers in my opinion. But if you arn't happy with her, you be the one to end it.

Ignore the text. She'll get the email eventually. Yet another reason not to break up over email. *Sighs* I hope you never will in the future. Have the courage to say it to the person's face. Unless they are violent or abusive...then I wouldn't even email, I'd just run.

I sent her a text back saying that we need to talk tonight. I'm sure that I have her attention now, and she probably knows what's up, even if she hasn't read the emails.

I think I owe her at least this - I will tell her how I feel, give her a chance to respond, and then that will be that.

Man, I am not looking fwd to this convo.

I sent her a text back saying that we need to talk tonight. I'm sure that I have her attention now, and she probably knows what's up, even if she hasn't read the emails.

 

I think I owe her at least this - I will tell her how I feel, give her a chance to respond, and then that will be that.

 

Man, I am not looking fwd to this convo.

Glad you decided to talk to her. Breakups are never fun but it isn't fair to the other person to not do it in person or over the phone if in person is impossible. Good luck.

Glad you decided to talk to her. Breakups are never fun but it isn't fair to the other person to not do it in person or over the phone if in person is impossible. Good luck.

Yeah, I feel that I owe it to her. Plus, my friend told me that she needs to be told what she's doing is wrong, otherwise she will do the same thing to someone else.

Yeah, I feel that I owe it to her. Plus, my friend told me that she needs to be told what she's doing is wrong, otherwise she will do the same thing to someone else.

Oh gosh. You barely know this woman so please don't take it upon yourself to be her teacher or therapist - that is sure to come accross as condescending, patronizing even if you don't mean it to. if she asks you point blank for help, you can give her the huge caveat of "this is just my impression from knowing you a short time" and make it about you that you are uncomfortable with her marital status, etc.

Only her very closest friends or counselor should dish out unsolicited advice or dish out more than what I wrote above if she does ask. Also you rejected her so of course she is not going to be as open to hearing what you have to say.

Please just keep the conversation short and let her be - she's not committing a crime or abusing anyone. If you tell her what to do and how to be "next time" be prepared to get several angry e-mails and phone calls, and have her spread the word about your interference with her life. Not saying you would deserve to be harassed to that extent just warning you.

I see nothing wrong with telling her you should finalize your divorce and STOP talking about your ex during dates.

I see nothing wrong with telling her you should finalize your divorce and STOP talking about your ex during dates.

I don't think it's your role to teach her though. By telling her that these are your reasons for leaving, you get the same point accross without telling her how to behave. She can then decide on her own whether she wants to change these things. Not all men she dates will have a problem with it, so why tell her what she "should" do? Just tell her you're done and why. That's it, IMO.

I don't think it's your role to teach her though. By telling her that these are your reasons for leaving, you get the same point accross without telling her how to behave. She can then decide on her own whether she wants to change these things. Not all men she dates will have a problem with it, so why tell her what she "should" do? Just tell her you're done and why. That's it, IMO.

That was my intention - to tell her why I am leaving.

Also, she never wrote back to my text. This is a sigh of relief at this point. Maybe she saw my email and just figured it's over, so forget it.

My thought is to NOT call her. If she wants to have the conversation, she can call me. I've already told her what she needs to know.

Good. I am glad you were going to limit it to your reasons for ending things, and not go beyond that as if you are equipped to tell her how to fix her dating life.

Well, all, it went better than I thought it would. I'm relieved.

I called her and just said I thought it was in our best interest to not see each other any more. She just said she was expecting this, because she knows she has alot of baggage and is "honest to a fault." She didn't ask me to go into reasons, and I took the quick out and did not go there.

She seemed totally fine during the conversation, and maybe even a tad upbeat. I thought she would have taken it alot worse, but I'm glad that she didn't. Maybe because she has her husband anyway. :splat:

Whatever - just glad this is over with.

You did GREAT! Glad it is over -what a relief - hate those conversations too.

Truly an example of doing things the right way with compassion. Congratulations, you are the dumper we all want to be dumped by, LOL.

She just sent me an email saying she was trying to figure things out too, but she's enjoyed my company. She said she respects my decision to end things, and would be open to being my friend and going to concerts, hanging out, etc. "Just email me sometime" she said. She went on to say good luck in grad school, etc.

I've never had a breakup go this well before.

To be honest, I am sad about the whole thing. I do like her, but I was frustrated and a bit hurt while sitting there last night and listening to her go on about her ex. Won't anyone ever feel that way about me, talk about me like that?

I know in my heart this is the right decision for me though.

What just sucks is sitting here thinking about going back to being alone again. I have some lonely weekends ahead of me.