Is Our Own Happiness A Valid Reason To Divorce?

After reviewing some posts here and else where, I think it important to discuss the issue of happiness and how it affects relationships and its role in divorce. I know that I will open up a can of worms regarding this topic. There might even be some emotional responses but that will be just my point.

Is being unhappy, whatever that signifies, a valid reason to end a marriage?

Is being unhappy, whatever that signifies, a valid reason to end a marriage?

No.

Yes.

That's the problem - it depends on the circumstances. Unhappiness can result from all manner of issues. There is the obvious extremes, such as "Yes, because you are being abused" to "No, because the fact he forgot to take out the trash is a trivial reason to be unhappy about."

I just wish that people would try to fix the unhappiness in many cases before trotting off to divorce court - it should be a last resort not a first.

Here's the rub when it comes to happiness in relationships and marriage...

Generally, people are responsible for making themselves happy. Period. So, whether you are single, dating, engaged, or married, you are the only person who is responsible for your happiness. It is not the other. You may be unhappy now inside your relationship exactly how you would be unhappy in this moment as a single or in the next relationship.

If you're not happy, it can be sooooo easy to look outward. You look at your job, your friends, your signifcant other, your house, your City, your lifestyle, your diet. Everyone, always looking outside themselves and only ever finding temporary solutions to their problems which never seem to last for very long.

Is the new GF the answer to your happiness? Sure, for a little while, but it's fleeting. Is a new house the answer to cure your woes? Sure, but once it's purchased, set up, and lived in, then you'll start thinking about another house, a better house. Are your friends letting you down? Not to worry. I'm sure that you're capable of finding new friends which also will be letting you down in the very near future.

Only you can make you happy. So you are "unhappy in your relationship". Nonsense. You are unhappy in yourself, and no one likes pointing the finger at themselves. Better not to take blame because the ego won't allow it. It's the other.

Keep searching, keep looking, never satisfied, fleeting new joy, posing as balance. If you are "unhappy in your relationship" then you are bringing your own unhappiness to the other. You are poisoning it. You are bringing ugliness and discontent.

The spouse says "I'm just miserable. I'm not happy. You don't make me happy!" And how will their mate react? Now they are also miserable. Now they are letting down the person they love. How to fix it? They feel inadequate. Now, because their mate has cast their anxiety and despair upon them, put it in their court, they are also miserable, but now even more so.

But now, the spouse feels comfortable at least. I'm not the only one who is miserable now!! He/she is also miserable! And misery loves company, so the "loving mate" is now going to "put up with" their partner. The relationship becomes the pure definition of non-love. Now, the unhappy spouse has put their mate at their level and things can be equal in misery.

That's just selfish and uncourageous. It's a cop out. It's a disservice. People who are unhappy are merely unhappy. You can seek out pleasure somewhere, and it will do nothing at all for your overall happiness.

I think in most cases No (excluding abuse & affairs) Because our happiness isn't our partners responsibility it's our own. if we are unhappy, don't get a divorce (you'll still be unhappy) you look within yourself and search for inner peace & inner happiness.

If everyone got a divorce when they were unhappy, there would be no marriages left. everyone is unhappy at some point. You don't dump your life parterner because of it. You search yourself & find what it is you're not likeing about yourself & work on that, develope yourself & grow.

that's just my thoughts. I've gone through months of sadness & unhappiness & postpardon depersion...ect I'm glad I didn't separate my man because of it. it was a hard time but we both grew & grew together because of it. There are hurdles to overcome in marriage & times of unhappiness is one of them. no married couple can say they have both always been happy.

There are always periods of unhappiness in any marriage. It can be unhappiness with yourself. The marriage may fail to live up to your expectations (and your expectations may be unreasonable). It may be outside stressors that take their toll.

And of course there is always that period where the honeymoon wears off and you realize that you have fallen into a routine. So people feel they have fallen out of love and are unhappy.

It's not so straightforward to just ask whether divorce if the option if you are unhappy. It has to be a much deeper conversation.

I think there are so many permutations and combinations...it depends on the reaons for being unhappy. If the marriage didn't start off on the right foot and continued along those lines, if one partner is a serial cheater or has addictions or emotional problems they refuse to work on etc. yes, those are definitely reasons for divorce. If you meet a co-worker and suddenly think it is love...well, no, I think it is time to work on the marriage first before just packing it all in for a thrill.

I see that most of the posts in response to this question have taken the position that happiness is an emotion caused in reaction to the individual view of their world.

Craztaboutdogs seems to makes the point that the circumstances are more important in determining whether or not to stay in the relationship or not and not whether or not you seem to be happy.

Flower99 said, "If everyone got a divorce when they were unhappy, there would be no marriages left. everyone is unhappy at some point. You don't dump your life parterner because of it." Maybe here is one of the reasons why divorce is so prevalent. I can quote my X, "I'm unhappy. I want a divorce." I know this is out of context but it was the major reason given. When you have been around the "Club", you see this kind of statement more often.

jettison postulates that happiness is fleeting and temporary in nature. Amen. All emotions are such. We can cause that emotion, pleasant or unpleasant, over and over again, but it each time it will dissapate. Also, what "makes" (as if you were not responsible for it as the word implies) you happy today may make you miserable tomorrow. Just because you leave a perceived toxic relationship, which jettison explains how this may come about, how do you know that you will "made happier" in the future. A future that is only an image in your mind of what COULD be.

"I'm just miserable. I'm not happy. You don't make me happy!" Words said to me almost exactly, many times.

DN suns it up for me, "I just wish that people would try to fix the unhappiness in many cases before trotting off to divorce court - it should be a last resort not a first."

I am, in general, a very happy person. I enjoy life, hard work, laughing, friends, the smell of fresh cut grass.

But....

My STBX projected very little happiness to me. In our relationship (and in her life in general), she rarely smiled, was often curt, frequently hurtful, almost never warm and loving. She isn't soft and affectionate. We hadn't kissed in years and our lovemaking was so infrequent and always at my initiative, never hers.

NONE of this makes her a bad person. And some of her actions and some of our relationship is clearly my fault. There was no physical abuse, no drinking, no gambling.

Did she make me unhappy? Not permanently and not chronically. When I was away from her at work or with the kids, I found life exciting. But more and more I became less and less convinced that our marriage promised anything more than a bland, sterile companionship. And that piece of my life was very unhappy. It began to become larger and more urgent. And while it never overtook the rest of my life, there were times I'd cry and wonder: "is this all that comes with the most important relationship known to man and woman?"

And she choose to do nothing to change "us" or "her". So I was unhappy with the lack of what I believe is a fundamental component of marriage - a connection. This was a hole in my life.

I'm sure I could have found ways to somewhat close that hole. I could have thrown myself further at my career, or became very involved in religion or community services. I could have made myself so busy as to limit my ability to ponder the hole. (And I'd tried thousands of times to get the STBX to participate in things with me - no dice).

But in the mornings, shaving, looking in the mirror, that hole was there.

I agree: unhappiness shouldn't cause people to rush into divorce. But sustained unhappiness, where you have clearly told your partner about your needs and your partner chooses to do nothing? Well, after trying for "long enough" I felt my complete happiness was my duty to find and since I could not find it with her, then I'd find it elsewhere.

Happiness and Unhappiness as an overall state of mind, comes mostly from the individual. There are circumstances that change this but they are transitory, not permanent.

Unfortunately those that lean to a permanent state of unhappiness tend to attribute that unhappiness to others, and usually their spouse. These individuals rarely accept responsibility for their own happiness or lack of.

I would imagine that if you removed all the marriages that ended due to abuse, both emotional and physical, physiological dysfunction and infidelity, you would be left with these divorces caused by one partner being "unhappy".

I would also imagine that of those "unhappy" marriages, unless there was some horrible mismatch, there would be a very good possibility of rebuilding and saving the marriage. Of the few divorces that I know of, that meet that description, they do not seem happier divorced than in their marriage.

The unfortunate part is that no one person can make a marriage work. No one can do this alone, but it seems that a miserable spouse can destroy a marriage all by themselves, no help needed.

To me, the bottom line on happiness, is that we are individually responsible for our own happiness. For what ever reasons, there are those in this world that feed off of being unhappy, and it also seems there are those of that unhappy type that find other's happiness something they subconsciously need to destroy. As many of us know, they can come in sheep's clothing or a spouse can go through some physiological change that brings them into that state of mind.

So, my answer is in agreement with everyone else, this is not a black and white question, so yes and no is my answer. There is so much focus on the individual and their own happiness and needs in society today, that the happiness that comes from life partnership, sharing, giving and receiving is often overlooked.

I agree, happiness comes from within. I am not responsible for someone elses happiness. They are responsible for their own views of happiness. On the other side of the coin, they are not responsible for my happiness.

I remember my ex wife using the lame excuse, " I just want YOU to be happy" along with many others. What she was really saying is "I want to be happy and I don't care what level of pain I inflict on anyone else to get there."

M.E.,

This quote from your post sums what I have seen over and over again.

"Unfortunately those that lean to a permanent state of unhappiness tend to attribute that unhappiness to others, and usually their spouse. These individuals rarely accept responsibility for their own happiness or lack of."

So, when we do not accept the transitory nature of happiness, the tendency is to leave the responsibility for causing that emotion to someone or something other than ourselves.

I agree with the rest that happiness must come from within. I think we all need to truly love ourselves, be happy with "me" before we seek relationships. I think way too many people out there think that a relationship with FIX their happiness problems. And those are the same people that think "If my spouse would only change XXXXXX, THEN I'll be happy!" Ain't gonna happen.

That being said, our significant others DO play a role in our happiness, but they shouldn't CREATE our happiness. I fully admit that my Xwife affected my happiness. Because of our toxic interaction, we did destroy each other's happiness. Because of that relationship, it was nearly impossible to find happiness within myself anymore, I was so confused and depressed.

But once I got out of the relationship, I could see what was successful (and not so successful) inside of me. That which I was happy with, I kept and that which I was unhappy with, I changed. I made SURE to be 100% happy with myself before I got involved with another woman.

And it's made ALL the difference in the world. I was able to find someone who doesn't MAKE me happy, but compliments my inner-happiness. As I cheesily put it to her: She is the icing on my "happy cake." LOL

PP: perfectly put.

A "happy person" can be made "unhappy" by an unhappy person or relationship.

But I don't think an "unhappy" person can be made "happy" by ANYONE other than oneself.

Soon_tobex,

You wrote, "A "happy person" can be made "unhappy" by an unhappy person or relationship."

I just want to get this clear. Someone who has the emotion of happiness can be "made" to experience unhappiness (Is this against their will? As in being a victim?) by another? But for some reason, the other way around does not work.

And as I have learned, one can be more lonely and isolated with the wrong person than when alone.

M.E.,

I would agree but I would have to add that we can PERCEIVE ourselves to be more isolated. It is again our reaction to that person (their actions, reactions, demeanor, etc.) that produces the emotional feelings of isolation and loneliness. IT may be the desire to have it be otherwise that keeps on creating the unpleasant emtional reactions. In non-acceptance of what is, these emotions are constantly being created over and over again in the feedback process. We can more easily perceive ourselves to be these emotions. Which perpetuates them.

If you are alone and accept that fact, the emotional response does not arise as often and this makes it less easy to assimulate these emotions are a part of us. Thus, the suffering caused diminsihes.

John, I agree completely and you have really brought out the basis of that feeling of isolation.

In my circumstance, I found I had more interaction and honest connection with the clerk at the grocery store, than my ex. There is a normal desire and expectation that our spouse will be someone we can communicate with, even if it is on a very superficial level. In the process of devaluing me, he built a barrier and would not connect in any way unless it was to engage me in emotional combat. I tried very diligently to not come to that "party" but I think every person breaks down at some point and responds to the rants of the irrational, even though we tell ourselves not to go there. It feels like getting sucked into a hurricane or possibly, more accurately, down a drain. Have you experienced this in the Walkaway Wife situation also?

ME,

You have experienced the emotional wall that your partner had put into place. They protect that wall at all costs. They are ready to protect their ego (low self-esteem seems to be a common thread) as if it were their life was on the line. Hence, the extremely hostile reaction to any attempt to get through it even if meaningful communication was your only purpose. When the wall is in place, even rational, calm, non-emotional atempts to communicate will be taken as a threat and rebuffed by any means possible. It does not matter to the wall bearers if their reaction is irrational and hostile (which was not the case pre-wall) for they DESPERATELY trying to protect their already distressed and fragile emotional condition. This may not be done on a conscious level. It has been speculated, and I concur, that they have returned to primordial cave for protection.

About 4 years ago, my X started to rant and rave on Sundays. My and her ownly day off. She would stand in the kitchen by herself and begin to yell out loud at no one, about how she always had things to do, that the kids never do anything, that her sister's kids and husband were great and that we were not, and so on. We used to just listen and not respond (mom's going crazy again). It would calm down. About 4 times in those years, I could not take another Sunday like this anymore and I yelled for her to calm down and stop yelling and complaining. This would last for less than a minute and end. The last two, about a year before she left, she did not relent and esculated the egoic combat that we were engaged in. It still ended within minutes. I felt bad and always apologized. She has never apologized, to anything, that I can remember. She closed down and would not really talk to me. I have not raised my voice in my house, or to her, in well over 3 years now.

The happiness question comes down to this. When we seek to experience the emotion of happiness, as all of us do to some extent, we never realize the fleeting nature of that emotion. We seek it again and again as in drug addiction.

The dog chases his tail, even if he gets to it, he usually drops it and goes back to the task of obtaining it again. The emotion feeling of fulfillment, again fleeting, is also sought. We tend to want to reproduce that pleasurable feeling again and again. We desire it a permanent part of our existence. When the dog stops chasing his tail (as in seeking happiness), he may realize that it follows along behind him just the same.

When we look for someone else to MAKE us happy, we have to do it on a contiual basis. When someone realizes that person is not making them happy at this given moment (of course, it is not possible given the nature of emotional reactions) they may look for an alternative way to feed their "fix". If the insatsible ego is that entrenched as a part of that person, they will look to anything and anyone that may induce that feeling.

John -

You brought out a very good point.

When my ex was courting me, he said to me "I will make you happy" and I replied, "You can't, I am already happy. No one person can make another happy, happiness comes from within." Unfortunately, this was a concept he could never understand. I admit to the addiction to the courting and attention and was naive enough not to see that this was very temporary, that level of attention and kindness did not go with his nature. I doubt I wanted to see that.

And some are equally addicted to their own unhappiness. They find other's happiness threatening and feel some need to destroy that. When he left, the burden of that unhappiness lifted from me and my own happiness came forward again.

I had put aside my "self" in hopes of helping him, but you can lay every energy and devotion to another, but you cannot make them take it. As they say, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink".

ME,

I was told, in an emphatic manner, "You just don't make me happy. I deserve someone who makes me happy." She even told the kids that, "I want to find someone who makes me happy and this will allow daddy to find someone who can make him happy." The kids were 13, 17, and 19 at the time. They felt that they were being talked down to like little children with this. She was losing even more credibility this way.

The whole search for happiness seems to, in their minds, off set the guilt in some way. Of course, it really does not. But if they search for happiness and then when they "get it", all of the guilt, pain, suffering, and other unpleasant residue, will be wiped clean and all there will be is paradise.

My walkaway has cited her own happiness as a reason to fall in love with someone more intellecually stimulating, emotionally supportive, etc- she has no guilt, as in her eyes life is too short to spent too long unhappily married.

I believe people have a natural bias towards either happiness or unhappiness. Sure people who are Happy can, at times become unhappy and vice versa. And I suppose that people who are Happy can even become "permanently" unhappy.

But, I believe, people have a natural inclination towards one or the other which is part of who they are. I'm not smart enough to know if "being" Happy Or Unhappy is a choice or a genetic reality or a learned habit. My guess is it's a lot of all of that.

This thread seems to be revolving around a few points:

- One person can't make another person change their bias. My opinion: this is probably true in most cases.

- Being in a relationship with a person of the opposite bias can bring about painful, bitter, and difficult issues. My opinion: this is probably true in most cases.

- A person's "reaction" to a person of the opposite bias will, if properly managed, mitigate the painfulness, bitterness, and difficulty of the issues. If a person carefully manages his own response to the other person's actions, then the impact or even reality of the actions diminishes greatly. The further implication is that the other person's unhappiness is no reason for the relationship to end because that unhappiness is, in this line of thinking, not even real - rather it's some kind of controllable response. My opinion: this is probably NOT true.

My own experience is that I'm, by nature, an optimist. I enjoy life, people, challenges, experiences. My ex is many good things, but she is "unhappy" by nature. So is her mother (and sister). Perhaps she's depressed or there's a genetic link? I sail through life whereas she almost always has her anchor out.

Over time, her anchor dragged me down. Her constant negativity and inability to enjoy life (in the way most people do) caused me to be less than I am. I intellectually understood what was going on. I don't know why she is the way she is and yes it frustrated me. But I could put that frustration aside and accept her. Yet just accepting her did not ease the pain. As a happy person, I know there's a better life to lead and all of the "positive thinking" could not, for me, erase the FACT that I was getting older and was missing so much joy. Simple joy - like being kissed; being held; being loved.

She didn't make me permanently unhappy (although I was very unhappy for stretches) ...she made me frustrated about everything we were missing.

What is life all ABOUT if two people can't smile and laugh and love???

Life IS too short. Sorry, it is.

Soon to ex,

I just read your thread and it has a lot of truth in it.

I guess what I am asking here: Is the unhappiness reason enough to end a intimate relationship and/or marriage? Is it a cover for other issues? Will the person perceived themselves to be happy after they get their coveted divorce?

Anything other than abuse, infidelity, cruelty, abandonment in my opinion is just not a valid reason. Happiness rooted in selfishness is just plain wrong....