Is Our Own Happiness A Valid Reason To Divorce?

[theraven]

I'm a newbie here, and have been lurking for a bit.

 

I'm sorry, but a lot of what I see in this thread sounds like: *Your* (i.e. the other's) happiness is not a valid reason for a divorce.

 

Doubtlessly there are people out there who decide on divorce with less thought than they give to buying a new car, but I find it hard to believe that a blank statement like "Only you are to be blamed for your own unhappiness" should be used in such a universal way. Part of managing your happiness is learning to avoid and understand situations that make you unhappy. It's no surprise that doctors and nurses working in the ER have very high rates of substance-abuse, alcoholism, and depression. That, however, doesn't necessarily mean that they just all happened to be very unhappy people to begin with. Similarly, being in a toxic relationship can eat away at you no matter how happy you once were.

 

I have no experience in psychology or counseling, but I just wanted to provide my personal perspective. I'm coming off the tail-end of a 3 year marriage and starting to seriously look at the terrible prospect of divorce. Being in the middle of it, I'm still trying to get my head around everything: lack of emotional connection, financial troubles, no physical intimacy, frequent heated arguments, and inability to compromise on anything all add up. I consider myself a fairly positive person. I'm not outgoing, but in most social environments I am happy and make friends easily. Being with my wife, however, just seemed to disconnect me completely from my happy side. Mostly, I just hated the way I was when she was around me. I'm working two jobs, so I come home absolutely exhausted and drained. I'd be nitpicked or badgered until I either got drawn into a yelling match or physically had to remove myself (I've taken to meditating). We have a lovely two year old daughter, and I'm continually told that my wife gets no breaks from parenting, that she feels like a single-mother (because I'm working all the time), and that my wife feels like a slave. Anything I do to try and help seems to be offer only temporary relief, to be quickly forgotten when she found a new grievance to argue about.

 

I fully realize that a divorce will *not* make me any happier. In fact, I fully expect to become more unhappy in the near-term, as I put my daughter through what will undoubtedly be more emotional trauma. The only thing I'm holding onto is that I don't want my daughter to imprint our marriage as the "norm", and I don't want her to know me as the emotionally-cut-off person that I am. I'm not 100% set on divorce, but I know that I don't want this marriage to continue as it is. We either need to work it out, or move on.

[John Bendix]

theraven,

 

Please do yourself a favor and check out link removed.

 

You state, "Only you are to be blamed for your own unhappiness" should be used in such a universal way. Part of managing your happiness is learning to avoid and understand situations that make you unhappy. It's no surprise that doctors and nurses working in the ER have very high rates of substance-abuse, alcoholism, and depression. That, however, doesn't necessarily mean that they just all happened to be very unhappy people to begin with. Similarly, being in a toxic relationship can eat away at you no matter how happy you once were[/b".

 

These areas are where the "happiness" thing gets out of control for me. I do not see blame as a tool for anything good. I do see where happiness/unhappiness are emotional reactions to circumstances in our life. Emotional reactions are not caused by other people for they are OUR own feelings in response to some stimulis. If happiness/unhappiness are emotions then they are, by their own nature, temporary and fleeting and not states of being. Emotions, as well as thoughts, dissapate in a heartbeat. We can re-create them just that fast especially if we have trained ourselves to do so. Repetitve thinking and the emotions that ensue can be a learned pathway but that does not change the fact that each thought and emotion lasts a very short time.

 

I'm sorry but "working it out" usually does not work. Fixing the marriage by renewed communication seems to be the only way. When you think you have done and tried everything possible to save the marriage, you have only just started.