Relationship with a survivor

Hi. I'm in a roller coaster relationship with a woman who is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, by family members. It's been ten months, relatively short, but nonetheless I am very much in love with her...a little run-down of it...We are co-workers, and one day out of no~where, when I was happy being single (though a little lonely), another girl from her dept. decided on her own to tell me that she was interested in me. Well, I was shocked, but charmed too. I noticed her around, she's beautiful, but I never thought she'd be interested in me...so the next day she approached me herself and apologized for the other girl telling me...but said she wouldn't mind going out sometime.

I was nervous because I was in a bad relationship at the same time I lost my Mom and Brother (a year apart) quite a few years ago...so emotionally draining that I chose to just stay single for a long time and just heal.

I thought that this opportunity was at the right time to give dating, and perhaps a relationship a chance. I accepted, we exchanged numbers, and got this whole thing rolling...The first three months were the typical honeymoon, fireworks blazing, feeling we knew each other for a long time...just amazing! Then, things started to change...

Sorry to be graphic, but I noticed that even though our love~making was beyond belief awesome, I would here her say "no" a lot...not directly, but passively...I didn't quite know what was going on, but I asked her after a while, and she told me what she had been through. She also said I was the first man she told. I quickly decided that I would stand by her. The fact that she actually told me made me believe that we could work through it and that she trusted me enough to. Well, we tried....

After the next month, out of no~where, she started to pull away from me. This began the back and forth, on and off, to this day. I was trying very hard to get her to not give up. I was feeling hurt by the rejection, but i believed in how things were so great before. I went to the book store and purchased "Allies In Healing"...I forget the author, the book is at her place as I read it twice and gave it to her...it gathered dust. I also did a ton of research on the internet...I wanted to better understand what was going on.

Anyway, its been on and off for a long time now. Cycles deteriorated to the span of a week at a time. Finally, I proposed NC...she contacted me immediately by IM...this was something new. So we've been IMing a lot, and spent some time together. I tell her how much I care about her and our relationship. she tells me how wonderful I am, and how much love I have to give, but says she can't give it back. so then we wont talk for a few days, then we will and get back together....lather, rinse, repeat...](*,)

We want to be friends, but our natural attraction always kicks in only to be shot down again and again. I've wept rivers over this, now I'm freakin' angry, more weeping to follow....

OK, sorry for the loooong story, but are there any female survivors here that could give me some advice on what to do with this? I love her, even as a friend, but this cycle has got to level out one way or the other.

btw, she has never done anything or seen anyone to help her about her past abuse. Obviously, she needs help...maybe I do too!

Thanks for reading up to this point, my rant is done...

~Cyg

By being physically close to her you've opened the door in her mind that was locked and let out unwanted memories.

Do you think she would go to a counsellor if you said you'd go with her?

If you love her and hope to be her life partner you need to get help. Maybe there is an organisation that deals with abuse that can help you?

I suggest that when you have sex and she says, 'No' you stop immediately and hug her. Show her that you're not like the brutal people who continued when she said it. I have a feeling after she's said no that she's just letting you do what you want to.

I can't help you further because I haven't been sexually abused. However, someone was starting to give me unnecessary attention when I was 13 and they were old enough to be my grandfather. I still get memories now and again when something triggers of the memories.

My fiancee gets nightmares from her sexual abuse and it's been 10 years or longer. When she wakes up she's scared. When I was with her in the beginning of our relationship we had a similar problem.

My fiancee says you need to talk about it on a regular basis, but she has to start the conversation off. You must never push her into talking about it. My fiancee also says that when she says 'no' you stop immediately and leave the bed and the bedroom and go and make a cup of coffee and try and talk about it immediately.

When inexplicable things happened to us I asked her what was going on because I didn't understand either. We talked about it and I now have to remember not to do those things.

It takes time to adjust and we have to be patient.

My fiancee was a counsellor that's why we've managed to progress.

Hope I've been helpful?

Hi Tigris, thank you for the reply. We would talk through the "no's", take a time out...we talked about our problems, no denial. I feel bad because I tell her I'll be patient, but in reality I'm not being patient...I show my frustration after a short time when she pulls away.

The last thing I want is for her to feel guilty...its so difficult for me to feel hurt from this and not show it. Now I feel guilty...ugh!

Thanks again, your reply was helpful.

"Pulls away from me" as in emotionaly...in general, to be clear. Sorry.

I knew what you meant.

If you want to show her how much you love her buy her some flowers.

My fiancee loves dark red roses, however, I can't afford a bunch of them so what I do is ask the florist to put a red rose in the centre of the bouquet.

Continue to let us know how you're doing.

I might just do that... I'll keep updating too.

(((thanks)))

No real update....two days at work and I haven't seen her, looks like we are in NC. Feeling pretty sad, but I guess I should just let her go. I can't force her to give me anything. Its so bewildering having such pure attraction, and seemingly great emotional chemistry (when she takes her guard down), and how nice I treated her...all this seems to be the reason we can't be together.

So sad.

Maybe she just needs time to think about what happens when you make love? Until she decides she's ready for help with the trauma she suffered there's nothing anyone can do to help her.

Is it possible she's got PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)? My fiancee was diagnosed with that.

There is no doubt to me that she suffers from PTSD, and you're right...it is up to her to get help. I so wish she would take that step...she deserves to feel love and receive love...whether it is from me or anyone else. I miss her very much, but I'm not going to try to contact her this weekend. She needs time to think this through, and I don't need the false hope she always seems to give me regarding our relationship. It's to the point that we can't be friends because of our attraction...and that to me is utterly sad...

Ok, sometimes I am emotionally weak...I did send her an e-mail, AND left a message on her cell...](*,) I guess I'm an idiot.

It is frustrating...I read all the threads on people having difficulties in relationships, and all the advice given is really helpful to them. When

I try to apply these techniques to our problems (actually, and in my mind), they just don't seem to fit our circumstance. It's like traditional logic and reason are thrown right out of the window...

...she just called me back. She said she'll call later...to talk, she's driving her daughter around to run errands right now. I'm not going to pressure her, well I will try not to. Anything I say can set her off emotionally.

Looks like I'll have an update later...

Any advice from someone who can relate to her point of view would be much appreciated. [-o

When we're in love and don't want to lose someone we won't give in. You're not an idiot for contacting her. You're showing you care deeply about her.

Thank you Tigris for taking the time to reply. She didn't call me back, but sent an e-mail to let me know she will later today. I do care about her very deeply...I don't want to pressure her...she's always pulling away from me though, and it hurts me a lot. It seems like she changes her mind about how she feels about our relationship every few days. I don't want to leave her...but she wants me to, then she doesn't...this is the hardest relationship I've ever been in.

She's confused Cygnus and is finding it difficult to work out her problems. Talk to her and tell her how much you care. Tell her you want to be with her and that you want to understand what's happening to her.

Thanks Tigris, you're the only one that responded. I appreciate that!

It's over. She doesn't want it, and I can't deal with the painful rejection. We just broke it off over the phone...lame, but that's it...done. She has to WANT to heal for that to begin...at her age (early 40's) its going to take a lot of effort and inspiration. Unfortunately, I wasn't enough of an inspiration...but I have to do what is right for me....I wish her well, but...

I am totally committing to NC!!!

I'm very sorry that it's come to this Cygnus. I was hoping that the two of you would go and see a counsellor.

Obviously she's not ready to sort her problems yet. She has to do it in her own time and it's got to be for her sake and nobody elses.

You know where I am if you need me.

Take care.

Thank you, T. She has got to reach out for counseling for herself before she goes into something like that with a partner...like me. I love her enough to let her go...I hope she seeks healing for herself. I'm a bit content in knowing that I at least suggested a path to healing to her. It is up to her to choose it, and its got nothing to do with me.

For me, I have to heal from my experience in this which is hard enough...the thought of the torment she must endure makes me very, very sad...and guilty in a way because I've opened up some of her wounds through our intimatcy....and my pain is trivial compared to what she must feel...

but it's out of my control...I understand this.

Thanks again Tigris, and I'll be in touch. Tissues and beer tonight for me...at least I have my guitar.

Un~recognized

that sums up how I feel after all is said and done...

I also think that she has BPD...there were 'episodes' that I asked her about from our relationship that she cannot recall, according to her. From little things to serious exchanges...

just a thought....sad.

BPD...Is that Bipolar Disorder?

If it is I now know why the two of you were having a bad time.

Don't blame yourself for anything she needed to have these feelings again otherwise she won't do anything about getting well. I hope she gets help now.

Take care of yourself

Hi Tigris. I'm no expert, but I am thinking that sometimes it seems like she's got borderline personality disorder...like two different people. One that likes me and one that doesn't. As I mentioned, I asked her about some things we went through...things she has done and things she had said to me, and she says she doesn't remember them... Maybe there's bi-polar involved too. I don't know...what I do know is that I miss her terribly this morning and I'm an emotional wreck. It doesn't help that I live alone...but I'm going fishing later with some friends, so I'm looking forward to that.

I really hope she takes some steps toward a path to healing...for her, not me. Although I'd be thrilled if she came around and embraced our "connection", I really would just be happy to know that she is happy with herself in life and whatever she does with it.

Obviously, I've got my own healing to do...

You have a good day fishing Cygnus.

Let me know if you caught anything more than a 'cold' lol

LOL...didn't even catch that, but it was a nice evening/night on the beach. I tried to keep my mind clear of distress, but it crept in here and there. I'll be ok in the long run, it just hurts me that the final decision to break it off for good was made over the phone and internet.

She wrote to me that she "knows I was trying to be her friend but she wouldn't let me in...she was selfish..." and that she "can't give me what's not in her heart." Well, I appreciate the honesty there, but damn...its like a dagger to my heart to read those words....

I tried too hard in this, and should have recognized that I was swimming upstream...I held on too long and now its too painful to accept...but accept it I must, and will.

I'm going to do a lot more fishing in the coming weeks, its nice to get out there...it sooths my soul, and I'm going to need a lot of that...

That's a great idea Cygnus. Hope you do better next time. Remember practice makes perfect.

Let me know what you catch.

Bye for now.

I awake this morning with a tremendous acknowledgment that this woman, without a doubt, doesn't and never did give a * * * * about me. In fact, there were many times when she declared, right to my face, that "it's all about me (her)"...and what did I do....? I went right along giving and continued to get NOTHING in return. I'm an idiot! ](*,)

Sad as that is, I think its a step in the right direction for my healing, though it feels terrible and somewhat embarrasing...

Mornings are the worst for me on dealing with this.