Relationship with a survivor

[Cygnus]

l8dbakkk, thanks bro!

 

Your post brought tears to my eyes....thank you for sharing your insight.

[l8dbakkk]

No problem man.I was where you are about 6 months ago..Just worry about yourself right now..I know its easier said then done....Get back to doing the things you liked before you met her.

 

I agree with Tigris.Give her space.Control is a BIG thing with abuse survivors.Crowding them makes them feel like they are losing control..like when they were kids

 

Think of it as that movie The Matrix

They created their own world to survive as kids but also as adults they are still in it. We were in it for a little while with them but we woke up and found things aint what they seem. They DONT want to wake up from it.It has helped them survive. It's too scary. Who would want to change the only thing they knew all their life ?? So they go thru life telling themselves everything is ok and maybe that you have the problem .Don't try to wrap your brain around it .You are trying to think logically about something that is illogical.

 

My friends always told me why did I put up with all that mess..and I say they have no ideal what it is like until you are in it with someone who has that issue...

My ex went all out to get to know me before we dated..so you go from one extreme to the other...

Extreme closeness to extreme distancing of the kind never seen before .It really blows the mind how someone can do it in a flash but they can.They had to shut off their emotions as kids when the abuse came around so naturally as adults they still can do the same thing when they get scared. They are in a world of hurt we cant even relate to..

 

Take care of yourself first.Like when a ship is going down.Put on your life vest first and then you can help someone else if you want to...

[Morgy]

hey L8dbakkk and Cygnus

 

I read your story too l8dbakk and wow, so many things sounded the same. Yes it was like two people.. One was nice and caring and the other was like a devil.

 

Mine always tries to call me every 3 days but of late I havent taken her calls because It is still hurting me.. one message she left saturday was a nice tone of voice as if she needed to talk to me or maybe Wanted to see me but because I didnt return her call ( only texted asking why she called me 6 hours later, her reply was too only say Hi). then on monday I get another call and also let that go to voice mail and she seemed a little more agitated tone of voice and never replied to her.

 

I do want to talk to her but Its hard when your hurting still and care and love them. I wonder to myself, Why are you calling me when you told me all those nasty and hurtfull things ??

 

Its confusing. yes I do believe I got close to her emotionally and I pushed buttons that made her close off. I wish I had the answers to make everything right with her But I dont. I know I should talk to her but I also feel its not up to me to make these efforts anymore, its hers ! Am I wrong in this way of thinking ??

 

A month ago she told me we cant keep draging this on, yet she is the one who rings me about silly things, I swear she rings with this silly things to see what I am up to.. I am not sure

[l8dbakkk]

Morgy

I dont know what to tell you man.There is a hurt little girl that hates men in her and there is another part of her that really likes you.You will keep going back and forth until the end of time until she gets help.Just think of her as a friend first if you want to stay in contact.

 

I had to leave mine alone and set boundaries.She can call me if she needs help with her problem.I aint callin her. It seems you are doing the same.It can wear you down emotionally. I learned I cant "fix" her.I think all of us go thru a co dependant stage .Abuse was something I never had to deal with before and took me WAY off guard.

 

I dont know if we are superheroes or supermasochists for dealing with all this.Take care.

[Cygnus]

I dont know if we are superheroes or supermasochists for dealing with all this.

 

Quote of the day! The thing is, IMO, is to try NOT to be either of those. I have no choice but to see my ex almost every day. I can tell that it bothers her and she gets that scared look to her. I have today off, but I sent her a nice e-mail asking her to try to recognize me as who I am, and however long it takes...try to consider me a friend if she can.

 

It's quite sad that someone can be so frightened by someone who actually cares for them...

 

*sigh*

[Tigris]

What does 'IMO' mean I can't remember? This is what happens when people have problems with their short term memory. ARGHHH

[Zampotne]

In My Opinion

[Tigris]

Thank you Zampotne

[Morgy]

hey guys

 

I messaged my ex yesterday and said that I have done alot of research to understand the real answers and that I still remember our first date and the feelings we shared then and more of them. i didnt get a reply from her yesterday and it kinda hurt alot.

 

I did get one this morning saying she doesnt understand what I mean about doing research and that She told me that she doesnt feel the same, i know it hurts and I am sorry.

 

Yes it hurts because its so confusing still. How can you have this loving relationship one minute and not the next. Mind you the constant on and off did take its toll. If she felt the same, then why does she need to contact me every 3 or 4 days, Please leave me be and let me get over this hurt and stop trying to play with my mind.

 

She says she doesnt feel the same but always rings me with silly things or just rings for what reason I dont know. emotionally I cant do this anymore

[l8dbakkk]

Ahhh Morgy..

 

I was doing the exact same thing.I know you are going crazy because you are thinking like she is a normal woman.SHE IS NOT.No one normal does those things.Usually when someone calls you alot they are interested in you and you either move forward with it or break contact or come to some understanding with each other.She has no bounderies .Everything is about making herself feel safe or feel good abut herself. They are surviving.I recently talked to a lady who was sexually abused and she told me I did the right thing by putting distance between me and my ex.She said the abused wake up everyday not knowing how they feel.They dont know that what they are doing is hurting you.You know why that is true? Because when you get upset they all says the same thing "why are you getting upset? You are acting strange".Hell..one day you may have talked to one of her personalities that likes you and the next day you are talking to one that hates men and does not give 2 craps about you.you just talked to 2 different people...

 

Dont take it personal (how can you not..lol). They have many parts of their personality created when the abuse happened to deal with it when children. As adults it does not work. .Some are protectors,little children.teenagers,one that holds all the anger.One that likes you.You never know what you are going to get every day.

 

In my case it came down to her telling me her secret and I was too close to her . She does not talk to me anymore.I think her protector came out ....

 

Dont get me wrong sometimes I miss my old ex even when we were doing the on off thing. I could at least still laugh with her.she is a different person now.Dont be surprised if one day she just stops calling or something strange happens then you will really be hurt. Guard your heart.

 

Be careful and take care of yourself.I keep repeating this.It is something I had to learn.My ex started hanging around some other guy when she was still calling me all the time.Pissed me off because I was reading into stuff that was not there.

 

REMEMBER-They are good at making friends.

 

Friends are SAFE to them..

Love/caring is not safe.Somewhere we crossed their boundary and will never get back the person we cared about until they get help.

[Ripples]

Sorry for disapearing folks. I forgot to turn on my instant notification thing!!

 

I would just like to say that what has been written here is music to my ears. I dont actually know what happened to my ex in the past. She said that something happened but she would never talk about it. I do know she had bulimia when she was in her teens. Her behaviour throughout our ralationship was just "odd".

 

l8dbakkk your insight has actually filled in so many unanswered questions for me. I have had to assume so much and that has been incredibly painful. I eventually had to ask her to leave me alone because I couldn't cope with the confusion any more. I now feel awful knowing she was in such conflict and I told her to leave me alone.

 

I need some assurance that I did the right thing because my actions hurt so much...

[l8dbakkk]

Hey Ripples

 

Everyone deals with it differently . I think the main thing is if you cant handle it anymore to let her know in a letter or something you care for her but you are finding it difficult to deal with everything and that you need to focus on yourself and that you still care for her .If she wants to talk she can contact you. I also heard you can drop them a note every once in a while telling them you are thinking about them but keep your distance.This way she wont feel like you are abondoning her.

 

I let my ex know in a nice way that I know I make her uncormfotable so I will leave her alone but she can always talk to me if she wants. She wrote me back saying thanks for understanding but she just cant be around me right now...and that is ok. I gave her info she requested on how to get help for what happened to her so I feel ok making my decision.

 

I think if you have been intamite with them at some point you become the perp in thier eyes or something.I think that is what happened to me.She started getting a scared look just talking to me..

 

The abused are stuck in a loop until they get help.We think we can "fix" them by showing more love when that is what pushes them away and scares them.My main 2 points are :

 

A) TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

B) DONT TAKE IT PERSONAL

 

Maybe she will come back to you when she is ready to deal with it.I think about my ex everyday but I am also stress free right now and it feels good...

[Cygnus]

Bump...

 

All I want to say now is that the same push~pull has been going on since I last posted...but, she is seeing a therapist now, and I am keeping my distance.

 

I got my new apt., and its awesome! I am happy with myself...but I cannot believe how much I still shed tears for this relationship....which seems unresolved....always.

 

Reading back the whole thread, I am VERY glad that others know where I'm coming from...and that you guys took the time to share your stories.

 

Pass the tissues, please...

 

Thank you!

 

~Cyg

[Ripples]

You cant fix her unfortunately. Just keep focussing on you, eventually you will come out the other side and wonder what all the fuss was about.

 

It was never destined to work and you must accept that. She never loved you. keep telling yourself this because you will eventually realise the insanity of it all.

 

I woke up one day and it was gone. It really was as sudden as that. Keep working it through in your mind and you will come through. Let her go.

[Cygnus]

Yeah, I've got "me" going pretty well now. Unfortunately, I work with this woman. It is frustrating, to say the least. I did my best to not see her this entire week, and I didn't...

 

She wrote me an e-mail last Sunday saying she is sorry for causing me so much heartache. She also said that she has to come clean from her demons, and she asked me to let her go.

 

I told her she is free as a bird, and she should go find herself. We haven't spoken since. Probably the longest stretch so far of NC, even at work.

 

Ripples, I have to disagree a bit...I believe that she does love me, and that frightens her to the core. But I'm going to leave her alone, and see what happens. I'm not counting on any miracles, and I'm not expecting anything. Most importantly, I do "love myself", and I will be OK in the long run. I am going through a lot of emotions the last few days...major sadness, frustration, and anger...but I'll be alright.

 

I'm glad she decided to get some therapy, and I do hope she finds peace...whether its with me or without me. Either way, I do love her very much...that's why I'm letting her go.

[Cygnus]

After all the heartache, pain, anger, frustration, and everything else negative I've felt by the way she treated me...I miss her so much this morning.

 

I can't believe I was stupid enough to let this drag out for over a year...I am heartbroken and feel so lonely today....sigh....

 

](*,)

[Mavh25]

I noticed she only started pulling away from you after she told you what had happened to her, i think maybe she's feeling slightly ashamed and embaressed?

 

Maybe she thinks you see her differently. Something happened to me when i was younger but i never ever told anyone because i was terrified of being treated as fragile, i don't want people to look on me and pity me... maybe she just feels like that...?

 

I say give her some space and time, if you really want to be together, you both need to go back, not just one of you saying "can we try again?" it has to be both of you.

[Cygnus]

Thanks for the reply, Grr. No, I never treated her as fragile, my "mistake" was treating her with love and respect. All the problems stem from our making love and feeling wonderful together...It scares the **** out of her. She seems to see me as a predator...I know she doesn't mean to, and it hurts her to be like this, but its so damn frustrating knowing that we can't be together because we fell in love.

 

She flat out told me she doesn't "know" what love is. I swear at times I want to find who violated her and smash their head in!!!

 

I'm having a bad morning...

[Mavh25]

Sorry you're having a bad morning!

 

Trust me though, smashign their face in won't make it any better for her.

She's probably gonna view any sexual relationship she has, as difficult. Its not easy taking yourself away from the situation when you're experiencing the act... hmmm does'nt sound smart but you get what i mean?

 

I found it really difficult, thank the lord i'm past it now, due to some support from amazing people. But maybe if you were to get back in the relationship, leaving sex out of it for a whle would be better? just until she feels ready to initiate something.

 

She knows what love is, she knows she does, she's just scared of trusting someone and being betrayed in the worst way possible. Like she may have been abused by a trusted family member, its really difficult to get back to a place where you can feel safe with someone you're close to without the constant acheing panic n worry in the back of your head saying be careful, while your heart is saying this is great, it just depends which you let win.

 

I'm quite young, so maybe i have alot of growing up to do in the sense of my outlook to what happened, but this is just my opinion this is how i felt.

[Cygnus]

Well, apparently the fear won. I would love to just take a walk on the beach and talk or something, but we ALWAYS wind up making passionate love together, and that ruins everything!!! Its like bizarro~world...ultimate paradox.

 

I just wish she would contact me to let me know she is ok, and perhaps misses me or at least is thinking of me...

 

Thanks for replying, Grrr...you seem to have a good outlook to your situation, good luck in life and love. I hope if you meet a good guy, you can see him for what he truly is...not clouded by creeps in your past.

 

Thanks again!

[Mavh25]

Thank you =) don't take this whole thing personally, if she knew she was hurting you she would probably be so upset by it. It's not personal, its not an attack against you it's just her mindset.

 

You could txt her or something, jsut say "i'd like to talk, no expectations, jsut talk, i'm gonna be at [insert place] at [insert time] if you're there you're there if not then [inserrt good ending]" you know, something along them lines?

 

Its a choice of your own wether you keep putting it down to sex or not, you should just stop it, if it really ruins things for you in the situation then you just need to stop it, you're an adult so just hold back

[Cygnus]

Yeah, you're so right. I know we should have cooled it down being intimate all the time...sometimes its not easy keeping the desires down. I always felt in the back of my mind that sharing our bodies and souls would help keep us together...it always feels so good. But thats how it works in the normal world...go figure!

 

I'm hoping that we could meet up for a date or something...just to talk. My birthday is this coming week too, I don't know if thats good or bad. I don't want her to feel pressured into anything.

 

I'll tell you this, talking about it here is VERY helpful! It would be worse just sitting here and stewing in it. Thank you so much. This is a wonderful web site!!!

[Mavh25]

Haha it is is'nt it?! it rocks my socks here. Got me through alot of things =)

 

Thats the thing, you're tying sex to everything hoping it'll make things ok but really its the root of things is'nt it. She probably does enjoy it, but then might feel guilty. I dunno?

 

Yeah, ask her to come meet yuo, but leave it totally open for her, without her having to say No thanks, or yeah ok... just say you'd like to see her but let her know she does'nt HAVE TO. And prepare yourself for her not wanting to... I hope she does =)

[Cygnus]

I think I'll try something like that, an open invitation to meet if she wants to. I do want to say that I didn't just lean on sex to express myself and my feelings...I was always open and let her know that I really care about her...not TOO much, but I am a gentleman

 

Thanks Grrr, you made my morning a lot better than what I woke up to! I appreciate your insight, and I hope all is well with you. I'll post what becomes of this...its very helpful!

 

Take care,

 

~Cyg

[Cygnus]

BTW, I'm going to go take that walk on the beach...alone. There's a nice place I like to go for peace of mind, not too far. I like to collect beach glass, shells, and small colorful stones and stuff...it does wonders for my soul.

 

Its a beautiful day here, and I should take advantage of it.