Ramblings in the Dark: A Journey Through Breakup

Don't get excited folks, the title is probably the best bit.

This is where I will put the various random and semi-coherent (on a good day!) thoughts that dominate my mind as I go through a breakup experience. This is uncensorsed stuff, so don't expect it to be pretty, and I'm not sure I'll come off looking all that great at times, but it's nothing if not honest.

Breakup happened yesterday morning. The relationship is toxic in a number of ways, and we frequently fight, and we've attempted to breakup between us about half a dozen times in the last three months, no time lasting more than 24hrs. This one is different (different things said before, during and after, different events leading up to it, more than 24hrs gone now and no sign of reconciliation); this is the real deal, hence I shall start this journal.

First 24hrs was certainly very painful, but not nearly as painful as I felt it should have been. I have abandonment issues, and the mere thought of breaking up with her previously, and the previous breakup experiences, have been fairly horrific. I'm quite sure I'm currently in denial. This is partly due to the fact that the last couple of times, when it looked more serious, I was able to use my powers to talk her into another attempt at sorting things out. This time I have used them to an extent, without success, but have not gone all out with the persuasion. I'm not sure if I'm holding back because I want to have something final up my sleeve for when the going gets really tough, as I know it will, or if I've finally realised we're not coming back from this one, and don't want to get hurt even more by investing too much into looking foolish and getting nowhere at this stage.

She lives near me and works at the same place as me, so NC is going to be difficult, but in truth I'm not there yet anyway. Not by a long way. I'd have to give up on the idea of a rapid reconciliation first, and I haven't yet.

Trying hard not to think about the situation, or get other things done, but basically can't. My life here without her sucks. I don't care about work at the moment (which is rather alarming given what I do), I don't care about hobbies, I don't care about anything. Life has little meaning without her to share it with.

Ugh, I sound stupid. I know clearly that the relationship was not good for either of us in these recent months, as she pulled away and couldn't commit, and I did exactly what I know I shouldn't, and held on tightly as my insecurity kicked in. She admits there was something that meant she couldn't fully engage with me, and I felt it in every abusive comment she made, every time she said "well if don't like it, find another gf", every time she rolled her eyes at me, every time she told me what was wrong with me. Why do I miss her? Why do I miss this? Loneliness, sure, but something more? She loves me; she says so and I believe her. And she can be, at times, simply amazing. We shared a beautiful life at times (in between the times her lack of commitment and my insecurity caused big problems). The first few months were sensational; I can't remember having been that happy before, although the seeds of the problem were present even then.

I wish my considerable powers of reason could get a grip on the situation. I wish I could realise that this is the beginning of the restoration of my long-absent sanity. I wish I could believe that this is a good thing for me. But all I can hear, all I can feel, all I can focus on, is: ooouuuuucch, it hurts! Make it stop!

Oh joy. Work crisis. Disaster on a work project, which is just about the worst thing to happen right now. I was hoping to have some time off to deal with the personal situation, but instead I now have to actually seriously focus on work, deal with a few unhappy colleagues, and all the time somehow try to suppress what I'm feeling so I can through the day without bursting into tears every half hour.

The worst part is if I'd received this any other time, I would immediately tell her about it, talk it over with her, have a hug, and things would seem considerably less black. Now instead I have to deal with it entirely on my own. I hate this situation.

A new day. A new hope? Hardly. Don't like waking up in the morning, but that's not surprising; I remember that from previous breakups. Was in pain earlier, but subsided slightly now, although that's only because work crisis has eased slightly, and I've been indulging myself slightly with more thoughts of reconciliation, and drafting another e-mail to send (completed, but not sent, and I'm determined to at least not send it today, which is much as I can pledge to myself).

I have often in the past noted with interest that we as individuals can think and feel at different levels, and that this is the heart of the age-old struggle between what is good and what is true. I recognise that in this situation again. I said in my first post that the relationship was toxic, and in some ways in was; this is what is true, and is the root level. At another level, though, nearer the surface, is the struggle for what is good, the necessary sacrifice of truth to the dedication to improvement, of satisfaction of feelings. While the root level tries to accept the loss of the relationship as a real, necessary and possibly beneficial thing, the other level strives to restore it, refuses to accept the toxicity. The struggle between the levels is fascinating because the root level is by definition passive, inactive, static; it subsumes all. By contrast, the other level is active, reaching out for things, setting goals, finding rewards, suffering pain. But based not on what is true, but what is good.

Ouch. Another stab of pain intrudes upon my thoughts. I can expect many more.

Another mixed day continues. Actually felt happy a while ago, walking home from work. Can't figure that out, but it was nice for all of the two minutes that it lasted. Disappeared now, to be replaced by yet more attempts to stave off abject misery, with limited success.

Ouch, ouch, ouch! Just went home from work. Had to come back out again after five minutes, because it was just too painful for some reason.

Certainly my denial remains strong and is for the time being the only reliable shield against the unrelenting horror of breakup that I can find, so once again I hide behind it. I hide behind her kind words to me. I hide behind the false hopes that this is temporary. I hide behind the thought that she might be missing me. I know this is all nonsense, but right now, I just need to survive any way I can.

No contact today, and I'll aim to keep it that way for the rest of today, and hopefully for tomorrow as well.

Curious fluctuations continue. Felt weak during the evening yesterday, until I phoned a friend. Talked for a couple of hours, mostly about other stuff although I mentioned my situation. Felt so much better afterwards, as it was both a distraction, a reminder that there is life without my ex, and a reconnection with a previous time. I could actually go to bed feeling relatively peaceful.

Needless to say, it didn't last. I know from experience that the mornings are the worst, and I felt a bit off when I woke up this morning, though not absolutely awful. Got to work, and unfortunately passed my ex in the corridor, which was visibly painful. Briefly half-smiled and then quickly looked away and hurried away, without saying anything. Ouch.

I know that much of the pain, as much of all pain really, is from the struggle. That when I can finally give in, accept the loss, stop fighting it, and try to move on with my life, such as it is without her, it will begin to get better. But how to accept the loss? How not to fight for something you so desperately want? That's the challenge. Even when people do NC, which is absolutely the right thing to do in most cases, they typically start for the wrong reasons (to make the other person miss them and wonder about them), or do all the wrong things first until they are finally given an unequivocal outright rejection from the other person, that finally drives false hope away. I don't want to do the wrong things, but neither do I want to remain in this limbo.

Aaaarrgggh. Leave me alone! After not saying a word to her (or her to me) in the corridor, she now sent me an e-mail asking if she can borrow a book of mine. I know she genuinely needs it, but the timing still sucks. I took it down to her, not wanting to be the kind of guy who refuses or completely blanks someone, and of course we briefly chatted for a minute or so. I wasn't strong enough not to. Nothing too heavy (although I did ask her if she was happy, which she wasn't; other than that, talk was of work things), but it's still a major setback, and I know it. So much for her missing me, or me being unavailable. Now she knows she can invent any excuse, and I'll come running. I hate my weakness in this situation. At least I've managed (so far!) to resist sending an e-mail afterwards saying how nice it was to see her!

Back at home after work, and suffering again. I feel depressed as soon as I walk in the door of this place. And I'm depressed today because the contact with my ex (who forwarded another e-mail of interest this afternoon, which led me to send a brief reply), has once again created expectations of contact, and a reply, and I feel I've been sucked in and fooled.

I know I have to go shopping later, at the supermarket that we both went to together only last Friday, and where we spend many happy times together in the cafe. It's gonna kill me.

I really have to focus more on me, on making my post-ex life better, rather than waiting for her to return or me to put up with a lower quality of life again as I used to, but it's so hard right now.

Three observations

(1) While having conversations with other people, other friends, I generally don't feel bad, because I can't think about her. This isn't exactly a revelation; I was aware of this before, but it's good to clearly confirm it. I also feel better at the end of such a conversation.

(2) I've noticed that my memories of our time together are dominated by positive times, positive memories, which obviously cause great sadness in this situation, and that this is not actually an accurate reflection of our relationship, where there were plenty of arguments and problems as well. Why is this, I wonder? And what can I do about it? I'm sure it would be helpful if I could start remembering some of the times I felt angry/oppressed/upset.

(3) I very much need to accept (and currently don't/can't) that there was nothing more I could do. The "what ifs" are killers, whereas a "it was never going to work, and you did all you could" attitude would probably be a lot more helpful and make the situation easier to deal with.

Had dreams of being with her last night. Very painful waking up this morning, and desperate to contact her, and attempt a reconciliation, especially as she mentioned in a brief message yesterday that she missed me. Must stay strong, but how? Well in fact, that leads me to my next topic.

I need a set of strategies, exercises, things to think about, things to do that I'm capable of doing right now, to get me past this. At times it feels that I can either choose to fall apart, roll over and collapse, or get up and fight, try to fix my life, and improve things such that I will no longer need her. But so difficult! I must make a list of things to do regarding the former relationship, and how to get past it.

I also increasingly feel the need for more resolution. The need to try and fix things in a much more convincing make or break way than so far, simply in order to get closure. Or is that my desire to have contact and have her back simply talking? I'm not sure; perhaps a bit of each. Certainly, if she said she still loved me when we broke up, and is not happy and misses me, then it seems almost impossible not to try and make things better. On the other hand, we've been here before, and I don't know if being with her is really the right thing to do or not. But I just can't deal with it, with this loss, with this change in my life for the worse. The pain this morning was just awful.

I miss all the things we do, did, together. It's only been a few days, but already I miss them. She is much better suited to moving on than I am, and much more able to fill the gaps with meaningful things, but even so, I can't help wondering if she misses them too, regrets her decision. Aaargh, I wish I could drag my mind off this topic.

Hmm, I'm feeling like a lot of entries are going to be made today.

Why is it that breakup brings with it not just the pain of loss, but also a complete critical re-examination of my life, which simply hits further at the self-esteem, heaps on the pain, and makes me feel worse, while also feeling powerless to do anything about it? I sorely wish it didn't. In my currently sad and lonely situation, this is just devastating.

Ugh, replied to ex's short e-mail that she sent last night, this morning. Tried to resist, but couldn't convince myself that I could justify it, and even now it's done, I'm still not sure what the correct response was. On the one hand, I don't want to appear needy (and it was at least short, pleasant and not desperate) and don't want to put myself on the backburner and signal availability whenever she wants me to come running. On the other hand, though, her saying that she missed me, after previously saying (at breakup) that she still loved me, could be interpreted as an approach, and my ignoring that could be interpreted as a rejection, and I certainly don't want to reject any overtures she offers me at this point.

I've got to start thinking of her badly. Really, I know it sounds unpleasant, but I'm sure it would help me if I could only feel at least some degree of relief at her absense, to be combined the sadness of the loss. To know that, however, painful, the right thing was at least being done. That's the worst thing; to go through all the pain, and not even see any potential benefit. It's just awful.

I wish I could get my mind on to the times I wondered if I should really be with her. Or manage to think about how things would be if she'd never been here. But of course, I can't. I can't simply filter out all the time we were together, and cast my mind back and pretend that's now. Forward I must go. But how?

Well in fact not a lot of entries were made yesterday, because I was busy trying to struggle through the demands of life and work, and today because frankly I don't know what to add. There's so much to say, and yet at the same time, it's all been said in one way or another. We broke up, and now it's going to hurt, and it seems nothing I say, do or think is going to change that fundamental fact.

Goodness, I feel stupid. Decided to give the relationship yet another go, had a wonderful few days of a relationship as it should be, and now it's normal service resumed, and same old issues, still there, and same lack of will on her part to join the effort in finding a solution. I really should know better.

Ugh, and the problems continue, and already there is a return to breakup in my mind, and openly in her talk. This situation is ridiculous. She often feels that she shouldn't be in any relationship, that her relationships have always been messed up, that she doesn't deserve to be happy, and no amount of love and reassurance changes it. She thinks she can't make me happy, so she backs off, and in fact it's the very act of backing off that makes me unhappy. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, but will she see it? Nope. Her mind is made up, and anything said just goes in one ear and out the other, and at the end of a long discussion, she simply repeats the things said right at the beginning. I'm on the point of giving up. It will hurt like hell to lose her yet again, but I can't stand this half-relationship that we currently have, and nothing I do seems to make any difference.

*sigh* Already we are back to the great impasse, and on the point of breakup again. It is a vicious circle; the more she pushes me away, the more I ask for love and affection; the more I ask for love and affection, the more she pushes me away.

The frustrating thing though, is that while I can recognise this, and have tried on numerous occasions to explain this in a completely neutral and constructive way to the gf, she still doesn't get it. She pretends not to understand in order to try and force through her agenda, but of course this betrays the fact that she really doesn't understand that the pursuit of either her or my own agenda in isolation is simply not possible. I *cannot* give more space without feeling more secure through more love and affection (and it's hardly surprising that I'm not feeling secure given the record of breakups, and the increasing withdrawal of love and affection in the relationship), and she *cannot* give more love and affection without feeling better disposed towards me through the receipt of more genuine space (as opposed to a strained effort)

Why is it I get this, and am willing to act on it to create a virtuous (rather than vicious) circle, but no amount of explanation enables her to really get it, and understand that just to keep selfishly pushing her own agenda won't work, because it *can't* work? I'm on the point of giving up.

Woke up this morning, thought much more about the situation, inevitably. I think the best I can hope for at the moment, given her 100% self-centred "my agenda only", "take it or leave it", "this is how I am", "I don't want to talk about it", "if you don't like it, get another gf", attitude, is for me to fall out of love with her, and the sooner the better. I can't believe I do love someone with such an attitude towards me, an unwillingness to join in any effort to make the relationship better, let alone initiate an effort herself. If there is any unhappiness, she simply abdicates responsibility, goes off and does her own thing, same as she always has, and the reason her two previous relationships failed as well. I keep wishing it would get better, and there are some wonderful moments, but these are oases in a desert of misery.

Aaaaaaaaaarggggggghhhhhhh!!!!! I'm not a violent person, fortunately, but I feel shooting her. Or myself. Or both. I am soooooooooo frustrated. How hard is it for someone to understand a simple message: I need love and affection right now, and nothing else will help. Huh? Is that really so difficult? Is it somehow written in some mysterious code that only I can read? If not, then someone please explain to me how, after I've been banging on about that point for weeks now, still she can send me something that says she now hopes I'm feeling happier (How?), and saying if only playing her instrument would help. Hmm, well let's see, is playing her instrument (which she hasn't done anyway) love and affection towards me? Nope, I don't think so. So could this help, bearing in mind that I've stated about a zillion times that love and affection is the only thing that will help? No. So why on earth say it?!! And it's frustrating because it's the umpteenth example of this. We have coffee together. "Are you feeling happier yet?" We go shopping at her request. "This will make you feel better". I help her with work. "Thanks; I'm sure it helped take your mind off things". For heaven's sake, it's not rocket science. If I say love and affection are the only thing will help at the moment, what the hell is the point keeping on trying all this other stuff instead? Why not just take my word for it, and actually do the thing that will make a difference?

I am so tired of not being believed, of saying I require A, and being offered B,C,D,E etc.; anything but A, and then being yelled out because B,C,D and E didn't do the trick, and how I should be grateful that anything is being done. It's like a patient with a bacterial infection having their leg put in plaster rather than being given antibiotics, and then being shouted out because they're not getting better. It's simply ridiculous.

1 hour later Okay, calmed down a bit now, and trying to see a bit of merit in what she did, although I still fundamentally disagree with the approach, and think that she is trying to do what she wants to do, while claiming it's for me, rather than doing what she knows will actually help. Still, this has shown me the benefit of waiting an hour to calm down before doing anything drastic; I'm glad I posted my response here rather than sending her a sharp message that wouldn't really have helped the situation.

A bad morning, probably due to the continued tension. What I hate about feeling like this, though, is that it reminds me of all the bad things about myself, my personality. I think about myself, I think about others, and I'm found wanting. Yes, I'm very smart, highly qualified, solvent, and functional. But I waste the gifts I have, in a shameful way, because I seem to spend most of time desperately trying to be happy, and at present without a great deal of success. I used to love myself. Now it seems I hate myself.

I know these are the times that I've given up the fight, given up trying to improve, trying to win, and pulled out of the game. I step outside of myself, and what I see is not pretty. And if I don't think it's pretty, I doubt anyone else does either, though they cannot see all that I see.

Note to self: don't be surprised that you feel bad while putting yourself under the microscope. If all your flaws are exposed at once, and you match yourself against perfection, you will inevitably feel very bad and unlovable. If you expect to have all the virtues of all other people, while not thinking about their bad points, you will of course fail and feel bad. So don't do it if you can help it.

Slightly better day, today, for a change, but still not exactly a lot of fun. Not quite sure why it's better; perhaps simply one day nearer the latest crunch-time, which will be perhaps tomorrow, perhaps the day after, or perhaps not until Thursday or Friday. But it will come, by the end of the week at the latest. I should start to brace myself.