I did some personal growth exercises

Hey guys!

I am taking baby steps in hopes of feeling better and boosting my self-esteem. I need to focus on myself and the things that matter most to me other than my relationship or my future with him. I threw out all of my Xanax and am trying to find things to live for other than my relationship. This past weekend, we had a little tiff. Nothing major and it is over now and we are fine. It involved me getting drunk and crying for a long time at my boyfriend for no reason. I know that was not good, but I am not drinking again for a while and am going substance-free. Not that I did anything to begin with besides alcohol, but whatever. Okay, so here are my completed exercises. PLEASE if anyone has any more for me to do, please feel free to add them here! I got these off of a website.

Personal Therapy

Things I Love Besides my Boyfriend:

My mom and family

Veganism/healthy foods

Books

Writing

TV

Music

Bike Riding

My friends

Nice/cool people

Veggieboards!

Reading about interesting people

Talking about random things for a long time

Driving and blasting music

Coffee/red wine

The ocean/swimming

Fun restaurants

Future Goals Separate from Him:

Graduate from college

Get a good job, hopefully in book publishing

Stay veggie/vegan for life

Someday write a novel*

Or simply write something and get it published

Join a vegan group

Get an apartment with or without a SO

Have a child

Travel somewhere interesting

Get my flower tattoo (I just want ONE!)

And finally, get therapy

Questions:

If I were more honest about my feelings...I would probably feel better knowing that I am being respected and loved for who I actually am instead of who I "pretend" to be. However, this would cause me excess worry because, God forbid, what if I am honest and they do not love me?

The bad thing about admitting my pain to myself is...feeling it, figuring out what feelings are real and justified and what are just made up in my mind...knowing what emotions I feel in given situations.

The bad thing about admitting my fears is...that it makes me weak and open to tough love and criticism.

If I were to be honest about myself about my anger...I would be a lot more angry at a lot more people...a lot more of the time. I would stop channeling anger at others into anger and hate for myself and letting real issues feather away into nothing without having said a word. Holding in my anger all the time takes a toll on my self-esteem.

The good thing about denying my excitement is...it makes me look cooler and happier I guess. I don't know which kind of excitement they mean...bad anxiety excitement or happy YAY fun times ahead excitement?

When I think of how I try to protect myself by denying my feelings and emotions...I feel like a fraud, like I am lying. Then I feel betrayed that people do not know the real me, but it is my own fault for putting on a show.

That is it so far. Any suggestions?

Pretty introspective!! Good exercise... You're an amazing person with goals and ambitions and you seem quite fun and well-rounded. I don't agree with you on the idea that an admission of your fears makes you weak. I think it makes you stronger because knowing about what you fear is half the battle in figuring out ways to conquer it/them.

Wow, those sound like pretty powerful exercises, and your answers to them were very candid and honest. I think they also carry with them some very real things you can work on and think about, especially the part about being honest with yourself about your feelings. As my counselor says, the only thing we can control is ourselves--how we feel and what we choose to do about it. And the way other people show up in our relationships is correlated exactly to how we show up in them. If we want to have a different relationship with someone, or with people in general, we have to reflect and figure out what we can do to show up in that relationship the way we want THEM to. So if you want people to be more "real" and open, then you have to be willing to do that too. It's scary, I know--I'm working on that EXACT thing right now. Frankly, it sucks....but my counselor assures me that it's worth it.

Future Goals Separate from Him:

 

Graduate from college

Get a good job, hopefully in book publishing

Stay veggie/vegan for life

Someday write a novel*

Or simply write something and get it published

Join a vegan group

Get an apartment with or without a SO

Have a child

Cool, your vegan too. I have been vegetarian for almost 10 years now without any breaks. Went vegan for two years and am trying to go back currently. I think it is good to have goals that require self discipline. I really do think it molds you into a better person, regardless of what others might say.

I recently made a list like this for myself and am refining it currently.