commitment phobe sites......

i agree with you annie. i dont want to change him. i would much rather move on from the situation entirely than try to convince someone that they dont have to walk away from me. i dont really want to waste anymore years. i love him deeply thats why this is so hard, but i dont want to have to wake up everyday wondering if this is the day he will leave again. its bound to happen. he said he wants to be a better man, and start a "real women man commited relationship" but somehow, as ms. M said, i feel they are words, and only words, backed up by a true love, and desire to be with me. only problem is,i think he is afraid of the way he feels. i feel as if the situation will keep repeating itself. AND i dont think he would be willing to even admit he has a problem. it would probably end up being my fault in his eyes ("if you didnt....") as ms. M has written, i basically am just trying to understand what his real problem is..... i cannot change him. i want to find out why he does what he does. long before i had even wanted to admit this may be the issue, it was apparent to many others. and he is such a wonderful person that it is terribly hard not to give him the benefit of the doubt. but from my angle, here i was, three times willing to take him back even though he had walked out on me and shattered my heart. i never even brought his departures up, i just simply believed that this time would be different. it is hard to let him go bec. i know he is not trying to hurt me, but at the same time maybe i should move on and create something new and pure with another. not saying this will happen off the bat, it could take a long time, but it is worth it not to have to go through this agony any more. now im just worried about the day he will return, bec. i dont know how i am going to say all of this. i hate to see ive hurt someone. and i know he "expects" from me what he always gets, another chance.

BlueOrchids, as you write more, I see many parallels to my own circumstances. And also you show many of the same trait as those who are confused by and trying to sort out the CP. Spending too much time with these types of people who do the push/pull thing with our emotions leaves us very confused. When we are repeatedly rejected and pulled on in this way, leaving and staying can actually seem equally logical. I also know how convincing they can be, how strong the pull on our hearts. But it may be time to step back from the emotions and look at the whole dynamic in a more clinical way.

Another book helped me a lot, but it's not about CPs at all. It's about why it's so hard to let go when there are so many bad inidcators mixed in with the good. While you're looking at books about CPs, I'd suggest also take a look at The Betrayal Bond by Patrick J. Carnes. I found it extremely helpful and it might also help shed some light for you.

I just read this post and I am amazed at some of the answers here.

Commitment phobics do exist and lead very specific life patterns that amazes, confuses and disgusts most well-adjusted women/men alike.

If you are just "not into" someone, dated for a while and realize this relationship isn't going anywhere, well, that's one thing. Chances are, you've spent enough time with one another and know in your heart, they aren't for you. Ok..let's not confuse this in any way, shape or form with commitment phobic types. They are another animal and if you dated, lived with or married one, you will know the difference.

Don't kid yourselves with pat little answers "ah, they just weren't into you". That's *&&^ - sorry, but I've experienced them first hand and they aren't normal by any stretch. In fact, they have no idea what they say or do most of the time leaving their partners utterly confused.

CP's love to play NBA with your heart and mind at your expense until they are so confused about their own feelings, they make it your fault and take off. They want a relationship with you and then they don't. This is not normal.

Don't kid yourself that CP's go onto to get married either - they go through a succession of partners who are all probably normal and very decent but there will always be a "problem" with every one of them. This is a totally different animal from the well-adjusted kind who know what they want and can move forward with consistency when they meet the "right one" for them.

The CP will play with your mind, pushing and pulling...constantly indecisive and drive their partners nuts in the process.

Miss M is correct...you should try reading her suggested books and get a grip on who and what is real out there.

There are tons of people who have a true fear of commitment and it just doesn't extend to relationships either. It's making plans, proving through action, not being afraid of committing on many levels from meeting friends for a coffee to buying furniture and beyond and I am not just talking marriage. The fear of "suffocation" is very present at all times.

You're fooling yourselves if you don't think this doesn't really exist. Why do you think there is a forum for this very topic?

Commitment phobia is a very real phenomena, and it's not limited to males. Many females suffer from the same. Commitment phobia is closely related to other psychological issues such as fear of intimacy, self esteem, and anxiety. There are many factors that contribute to this. To shrug this stuff off as "he/she's just not that into you" is naieve. IWOKEUP's post is quite accurate.

Btw...Sokol and Carter recommend that anyone dealing with a commitment phobic person should not try and change them. They should walk away. Sadly, most CP's never get over their own issues.

i think there is a fear about being commited to someone but i wouldnt say it was a genuine phobia either.

it could just be a fear that you could lose your individuality or are afraid to let that force field around you're heart down due to a previous relationship, but if they truly love you, those fears would dissolve.

Haha. This is funny. Im usually pretty hip to pop culture lingo, but I've never heard the term commitment phobe until my (now) girlfriend claimed to be one in the past. I sensed it was that she just didn't like me. All indications pointed to me being stuck in the friends zone because both of us were already involved with other people at the time but we still hung out a lot...but somehow (and this still mystifies me to this day) it all worked out

I think it's just a label, not a real fear. Phobias (to me) are intense fears to certain stimulae that elicit an instinctual physiological response (sweating, increased heart rate, dialated pupils, nervousness, uneasiness, secretion of adrenaline...all responses to the "flight" portion of "fight or flight").

To say that someone has a "commitment phobia" is a misnomer, a pop culture label for people who will do all in their power to not make serious decisions, because they prefer or are satisfied with the status quo.

Now if someone starts sweating, gets dehydrated, their heart starts beating really fast because someone wanted to move in with them, talks about getting engaged, or even has a DTR conversation about being BF/GF, then yes. Commitmentphobia exists, but this simply isnt the case.

Cant you people understand the concept of "have your cake and eat it too?" Comittment phobes are either:

- men who are getting sex and intimacy from women without the attachment of either party that a relationship requires. When you have the freedom, why would you give it up if you don't have to. She already hasn't left you after x years of this pattern. She still sleeps with you, gets intimate with you, and you don't have to worry about all the hassles associated with a serious, exclusive relationship.

-women who say they are comittmentphobes to downplay the fact that they aren't sexually attracted to someone trying to court them (and get in a relationship with them), but still want them around as "just friends". They've already got a best-friend type and they dont even have to sleep with them! Why become intimate with them when they already do everything you want...why not go out and find someone whom you actually respect and has a spine to have a relationship with. "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." "The timing's just not right" "I want to date you....eventually" "I just got a lot of stuff I need to get sorted out right now" "Things are complicated in my life right now and it's too rough for a relationship." AND the most common and applicable (in re: commitmetphobes) "It's not you, it's me." They dont want to let their friends who are interested in them believe it is any flaw on THEIR end (which, in truth, is the case...they are doormats) so that they can stay out of a relationship with them, with all the perks of a platonic relationship.

-men/women who just arent interested in you. you have not had any sexual relations, intimate moments, they just say they are committment phobes because they want to let you down easy.

Both sides of the coin are pretty manipulative and dishonest (the first two -- "Exploitative Commitmentphobes"). But if the "loser" in both situations stops taking crap from the "winner", then we have problem solved. It takes two to tango. But therein lies the problem. Both of the "losers" don't have enough self-respect to stop torturing themselves and tend to believe every little word the winner says.

but if someone is in a relationship for long term can you really call them a commitment phobe? They've already committed to you for all those years. Isn't it just that fear of taking that big step towards marriage that is more a cold feet kinda syndrome?

My 2cents worth is - and unfortunately this seems to be my line these days - this is all more complex than perhaps is being recognised by some.

I won't use the term commitment phobe because it seems to have a serious diagnostic definition for some people, but if we take the basic meaning - someone who's scared of commitment - well these people exist. The fear might be extreme or slight, and the person's response to the fear will depend on what sort of person they are.

To respond to the original poster, what you have sounds like what I had. My guy wasn't sure how he felt about me every two years or so. Wasn't sure if he loved me 'like they do in the movies'. Given it was a long term relationship and he was a little flakey, I assumed he had a problem with unreasonable expectations. We'd have a chat and all would be okay, then it would happen again months/years later. This went for almost 10 years, and we never really progressed the relationship as many adults do, like buying a house, making plans, having children. We lived together for 5 years or so.

Amazingly, in the eighth year he asked me to marry him, and I was all 'yay, he's over his issues now'. Err, then a year and a half later he dropped the bomb on me that he didn't feel like being in a relationshop any more, sorry. I was the 'perfect girlfriend' but he wanted to concentrate more on his fitness and new mountain biking obsession. Hmm.

This guy was lovely and loved me very much. But he was also insecure, and dare I say immature, and could never really pin down in his own mind what type of person he should be, what he should think etc. He also came from a family that treated relationships quite cavalierly. He certainly had commitment issues, but perhaps so did I, because I chose to stay with him.

I currently also have commitment fears as I am about to enter into a marriage with my new guy. If I had a different make-up personality-wise I might have asked for space, or made my fears more obvious. He could well have been scouring the net for advice on dealing with commitment phobic women, and I would be horrified if he read that I must be shallow, or not that into him, or selfish etc. The fact is that I adore my fiance but am terrified of being hurt again or losing my hard fought for independence. Am I a commitment phobe? Perhaps, but it's not pathalogical, and I do believe I will walk down that aisle.

Anyway, the point of all my waffle is:

(a) If he's left you before, I'm sorry, he will probably leave you again. Particularly as he's already done this multiple times. He may be lovely and you may love one another (he's 'into you'), but for whatever reason, he might just not have what it takes to be in a relationship with you, at least not the one you want. The fact is that you deserve better than this. Please imagine yourself in two years, in four years - imagine yourself having gone through this another couple of times and put yourself in that position of justifying to your future self why you hung around.

(b) Fear of commitment is multi-hued and based on all kinds of stuff. Someone who has a fear of commitment and has the capacity to change will try to change all on their own - they will do this because they don't want to lose you. People who are trying to change the other person's perspective have already lost the battle. I have a fear of commitment that plagues me daily but my god there is no way I will ever jeopardise my future with my fiance - I am so lucky to have this person in my life that I will do whatever it takes to get a grip on my fears.

BlueOrchids, it might be worth moving on if you can. It's probably worth simplifying this to 'yes he's great, but he doesn't tick all the boxes you need ticked'. It doesn't matter 'why' he has an issue if you can't change him. I understand your need to get inside this issue but from a purely objective standpoint you have your answer. He just not up to it.

I am a complete commitment phobe and that applies to all areas of my life and it's not always because you don't like the person enough.Most of the time it's just 100% fear that makes you run away,no doubt pressuring a person to commit makes that fear greater and the person runs away a little faster.

I do agree that if you love the person to such a degree that you won't risk losing them you are forced to get over your commitment issues and usually do.It's just a matter of loving the person enough to risk it.

I definitely agree that there are commitmentphobes.

And I don't think it's a matter of loving someone enough to be

able to "get over it"...

He's Scared, She's Scared - I'm in the process of reading this

book right now....it's REALLY good!!!