ShySoul

A weak person would not have faced their alcohol problem and stayed sober for so long. They would have kept turning to the bottle and drank their life away. A weak person would not have kept working for five years. A weak person would not have overcome their fears. You are far from weak. You are very strong. The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Everyday can bring new hardships and struggles. Old wounds can still hurt for what feels like forever. I often feel tired and hopeless. I question if I'll be loved and understood for who I am. Sadly, a lot of people feel that way. You're not alone in your feelings. Focus on your positives, your accomplishments. Find the things that spark joy within you. Even in the darkest moments, there are things we can hold onto that shines light into our life. Find those lights. And try to be that light for yourself, believing that you are an awesome person, just as you are.

You are not a bad girl. You are not wrong. You are not responsible for his behavior. This is his doing, he is the one at fault. No one should be treated that way. And your family should be supporting you and putting a stop to it. Please seek help. As Jaunty said, if you are in school, go to a counselor/nurse/teacher, anyone who can help you. If you are an adult, there are phone numbers you can call. You don't deserve this. Hope you can find a way out. You are strong and can do it

I would also caution against assuming the therapist is biased and giving bad advice. Is this something you can prove, that what he is being told is somehow doing him harm? Or do you just disagree with the advice being given? I'm no fan of therapy in general and have seen bad therapists giving lousy advice. But I also know that its an individual thing and that we aren't privy to everything that goes on in a session. Its up to the patient to decide if the therapy is right for them. Personally, I would tend to agree with telling her. If I had done that I know it would be tearing at me all this time and it would be a relief to come clean. Given the circumstances, I would hope that what we had built for ten years would be enough to make up for a one time transgression.

He should probably have not told you in the first place. Placing that kind of secret on someone is a huge burden. It is also taking a risk that the secret will get out. If you don't want others knowing, just don't tell anyone. However, to give him the benefit of the doubt, it may have been weighing on his mind and he may have felt the need to talk to someone he trusted. That person was you, which you should feel honored by. He valued your friendship and opinion enough to let you in on this. He was also not trying to use it against you. He asked you from the start to not tell anyone. Given that this getting out could hurt him and his wife, that's an understandable request. You are the one who promised not to tell, then told anyway. You broke the trust he put in you. Yes, you have your own issues. Everyone is dealing with their own issues. That is not an excuse or justification to break your word to someone. What he is asking for is the same thing he wanted initially, for you to not tell anyone. Again, not unreasonable. Given his stress and anxiety over the topic, maybe he went overboard in saying it to you (future wife), but the point is the same. If he is your friend, do what will help he out and just keep your mouth shut. Friends should want the best for each and help them when they are going through something. If you not talking about it will help him, just don't tell anyone. No reason to be upset with him.

In case Becky ever comes back to read this: From a male perspective, I wouldn't buy a ring unless I was sure what the answer would be and sure this was the person I wanted to buy it for. I wouldn't care how long the engagement was, or even if she said yes right away. I'd want her to take all the time she needed to be ready. I've already waited quite a long time, what's a bit more time in comparison to the rest of our lives together? Hopefully this guy has been just as understanding and that you've done what is right for you. Hope the relationship is going well, no matter what stage you've decided to leave things in.

If there is family in the area, make it a two for one trip. It probably isn't a safe or wise idea to stay with someone you barely know and have never met in person. Unless you've been speaking to him for an extended period and feel you absolutely trust him, which doesn't sound like the case. Family gives you a built in escape plan if you need a break or something feels off. Its something anyone should be able to understand and be ok with. Ultimately, go with your instincts. As long as you stay safe, why not see how things go? But if you start to feel uncomfortable or just aren't feeling it, its fine to not pursue. Remember, this is supposed to be fun and make you happy. So go with what you think will make you happiest.

If there is something I like other then sad songs, it tends to be songs from sassy, take no nonsense women. I wonder what that says about me. 😁 Speaking of which, and since you two have me going back through Mariah songs, here's an oldie that still gets me moving. Though I have no idea why I related to this song as a seven year old that didn't have experience with unrequited love either.

I think it comes down to motivation. I'm a guy that is naturally on the sensitive side. I don't like seeing anyone hurt. I've always related better with women and been closer to them. Plus I was close to my mother growing up and know the things that she had to go through. So my instinct is generally to protect and help women. That's not to say they can't help themselves or that I'm trying to be the knight in shining armor. I have called out a woman for unhealthy behavior. I think for some people it's just a genuine desire to help a person who is hurting. Likewise, there will be men that do allow themsevles to be taken advantage of. They may lack self confidence. Their motivation might be appear the hero to get that boost of confidence and approval. Maybe they are more concerned with appearing like the strong male protector. I think they are more likely to fall prey to women using them. On the female side, it's the same. There will be women who genuinely appreciate a man who is willing to come to their aid when they need help. There will be women who try to manipulate men for their own benefit. There will be women who refuse any help from a man, thinking that makes them look weak. There are all kinds of women, each with their own motivations. Every combination happens, it all depends on the people involved. I like to think that in general, like attracts like. More toxic people who like to create drama will more often find themselves with other toxic people, creating the drama they both crave. The rescurer types will eventually find another rescuerer and they will mutually help each other. People will probably have to go through a relationship or two with their opposing kind, but in the end the universe has a way of balancing everything out.

My parents divorced after being together for 25 years. They essentially raised three boys - their child (me) and her two sons from prior relationships. They had been through a lot as well. Outside observers probably couldn't see all the problems that were there. But there were problems, believe me. And I think both my parents knew that, they just managed to avoid dealing with it for a long time. But at some point it gets to be too much. My mother was the one who saw she had to do something different. It wasn't pretty and all parties could have handled it better. But in the long run, it was better for them. As blindsided as you might feel by this, things haven't been well for some time. Sounds like you both avoided the topic. She shut down on being intimate or physical. You buried yourself in work. It masked the real feelings underneath. But again, it got to be too much. Things were bound to come out eventually. The question know is how do you both choose to deal with it? For your sake, and especially for your children's, please try to be mature and respectful. I can say from experience, that it's not good when people aren't. Acting out of pain, anger, and fear only creates more problems. It's okay to have all those feelings. It's okay to be hurting and confused. But you can't let those emotions control you. If you need to, take time to be alone and calm down. Then try to go over things peacefully. Figure out what you want and what you can handle. And yes, explore legal options as well. Right now everything is fresh and you're probably.feeling a lot of different things. Don't rush in any direction and do something you might regret. Take time to sort things out for yourself. And know that we want the best for you. I'm sorry you have to go through this at all.

Do you still see any way you could be with her, knowing everything you currently know? If you can, then try the counseling. Professional help would probably be able to help both of you understand and address the feelings the two of you are going through right now. It would probably be able to bring to light issues that the two of you might not be seeing. And even if things don't work out, it might be good to help you process everything. If you do go through with it, be clear that BOTH of you are going to need to approach it with full honesty and openness for there to be the hope of improving your situation. This is a personal choice though. The only one that can decide what is best for you, is you. If you decide you can't accept what she's done, then there is no shame in ending things. I understand that you are hurting and angry. I get that there must be a rage building up in you and that you probably want to scream and punch something (well, someone). But is violence really going to solve anything? Beyond that momentary sense of relief, does it make the situation better? She will still have cheated and you will still be faced with trying to figure out what happened. She will be more likely to defend him, using your actions as justification for hers and turning things back on you. He will get to play the role of victim, claiming you are a brute who just attacked him. He could claim that's why your wife didn't want to be with you. Even if it's all nonsense, you'd just be giving them material they can use against you. And sadly, a lot of people are likely to buy it. Even removing them from this, is that the kind of role model you want to be for the children? Teach them that violence is the way to work out there problems? That ego and proving your manhood is how to get satisfaction? Plus, who says he got aways with it? Do we know what his wife and children thought of all this? His wife might be asking him questions now and he might be having to answer to her.

Sex involves two people and thus should involve the mutual enjoyment of both parties. If one person is not enjoying it, then it shouldn't be happening. You are not a toy or object. You are a person with your own thoughts, feelings, and desires. A loving partner should be trying to make the experience good for you, not leaving you feeling worse afterwards. Don't accept this. Let him know it's not acceptable. Make clear that the porn is causing a problem and see if you can figure out why he's turn to it so much. And if he would rather have the porn then the real woman he is with, then he can have it. You deserve better.

I think I said this in your last post, it takes as long as it needs to take. There's no timeframe and it's different for everyone. It's not even linear, where one day it's all better. Eventually you will go through a day where it isn't on your mind. Then the next you might feel terrible, like you are starting all over. But you will get better in time. Yes, it might be way more time then we would like. But it does get better. And it does sound like you are moving in the right direction. So keep pushing forward. Two steps forward for every one back. It's taken me months to get over someone. Even then hearing a particular song for years would take me right back too all those memories and questions, sadness and regret. Even when I had long accepted what happened and even realized us not being together was a good thing, I could still be swept away by those emotions. But it got to the point where it wasn't hurtful as much as it was nostalgic. I could separate the negative feelings that held me back from the postive memories and lessons I took from the experience. Eventually, you'll get there too. Normal is what you make it to be. It's not about anyone else's definition, it's what you define it to be for you. So do the things you want to do. Do what the things that make you feel good and puts a smile on your face. And if you need time to stop and reflect, or even to have a good cry, take it. Just don't drown yourself in the tears.

Yogacat, your thread reminded me of another song. Think this says it all. So don't be afraid to cry get down as far as you can go / Let the river rage on by and the wind blow If you pay your dues in darkness / You'll appreciate the light Cause a deep down low makes level feel so high

How long do you believe this has been going on? Have there been other issues in the marriage? Without more information on her or your relationship, don't think it's fair to judge her to harshly for her actions. I believe cheating is a way of distracting yourself from facing other issues that you may not want to face. For her, there is something missing, either in the relationship or simply within her. There is a hole in her life and she's trying to fill it. Perhaps after 14 years of marriage and raising four children, she's longing for something else to break out of the routine of being wife and mother? How much else does she have going on? Does she work? Have any close friends? Activities that are just for her and not about the family? Maybe she's missing the excitement of her younger days. It could be any number of reasons, and it probably isn't aimed at hurting you. That, of course, doesn't make it right or make it hurt any less. While I understand the pain you must be in, please try to be civil. At this point, I think the top prioirty should be doing what's best for the children. They are innocent in all this and are the ones that need to be taken care of. They can also be the bright spot that brings you joy in an otherwise bad time. And I would tell the other guys wife, if she doesn't know already. It's not fair to her to be left in the dark. Their home is already broken, she just hasn't been informed of it yet.

Ever heard of the Five Love Languages? https://5lovelanguages.com/learn Not everybody expresses their feelings in the same manner. Some people are much more verbal in expressing their feelings. They will have have no problem saying the word love or any number of compliments expressing their feelings. Others may not be as comfortable, preferring their actions to do the talking for them. It seems he might not be big on talking about emotions. He takes for granted that you'll know because of how things currently stand. In his mind, if you were exclusive, that was a way of saying how he felt. Formally asking to be his girlfriend may have felt unnecssary. To him, obviously he cared for you a lot because he was willing to only be with you. I'm also curious what his past relationship history is like. Or what kind of relationships has he been around (parents, family, close friends, etc.). Could there be something he's seen that would make him cautious of using the word love? None of this is to say you are wrong in your feelings. If you feel it, then it's real and valid. If it's been a year, I would want to be clear on where things stand as well. I would hope the person would be able to say they love me. But I also know there are a million reasons why people do what they do that may not be a reflection of how they feel about me. I'd look at the whole relationship. Is he showing you that he loves you? Does he do the little things that show he thinks of you and is trying to make you happy? Does he demonstrate that he really knows you, the person you are at your core? Does he remember things about you? And most importantly, is this enough for you or do need that more verbal aspect? If you feel you need more from him, talk it over with him. He may not realize that's a problem simply because it's not how his mind works. And if you still can't make it work, it's okay to walk away. We all deserve someone to love us the way we need to be loved.