Is it Petty of Me to Feel Used?

It’s a dilemma many of us face in our relationships: Despite wanting to be there for our friends and loved ones, we often feel like we are just being used. During times of hardship and strife, it’s natural to want to be able to lend an ear and a shoulder to cry upon. But sometimes, we feel taken advantage of; as if the other person is only coming to us when they need something, yet not returning the favor when we need help. It can be difficult to make sense of the emotions accompanying this experience.

Do these feelings mean we’re being too sensitive or “petty”? Perhaps the other person doesn’t realize how unbalanced the situation feels. Or worse, maybe they do recognize that they’re taking advantage of us, but just don’t care enough to adjust their behavior.

No matter the cause, it’s hard to ignore how deflated we feel after our interactions with this person. Our self-esteem is knocked down significantly when our selfless acts of kindness go unreturned or unappreciated. We question our worthiness as an individual, wondering why this particular person can’t or won’t reciprocate.

But even if we have an inkling that someone may be using us, it’s so confusing to feel hurt by it. After all, we made the choice to lend support out of love, understanding and kindness – which should feel good. So why isn’t it?

The answer to this lies in recognizing a key difference between offering temporary solace and true care. The former serves as a pleasant distraction from the source of their troubles, while the latter involves meaningful connection and comfort. We feel unfulfilled when the involvement lacks the elements integral to a strong bond.

So, despite what may go through our minds in moments of this feeling – “I’m not needed”, “they don’t appreciate me” and “I’m not important” – the truth is that these negative thoughts might not convey the whole story. Rather than being “petty”, it could be that we simply haven’t had the chance to be appreciated yet.

That thought can instead be a useful reminder of self-worth and a powerful motivator to seek relationships where both parties give and receive in equal measure (or at least closer to equal). Until then, while it’s understandable that having such unmet expectations can bring us disappointment, it’s important to understand that we also possess unique gifts, talents and strengths that are worthy of being appreciated for and shared unconditionally.

It’s these qualities that ultimately shape us into the people we are, and will continue to do so. When met with the type of one-sided relationship that makes us doubt ourselves, know that there are more fulfilling and balanced opportunities out there; ones where this feeling of being ‘used’ can become a thing of the past.