Feeling Lost in Codependency - How to Create Necessary Space

When we enter into a relationship, it is often an exciting and beautiful exchange of love, care, and support. However, when we become too dependent on our partner, the reality of this essential exchange can feel more like a dangerous tightrope. This phenomenon – codependency – occurs when one person in a relationship attempts to define their sense of security, worthiness, and purpose through the other. Unfortunately, this can lead to numerous issues, as someone in a codependent relationship will often become so focused on their partner’s moods that their own identity begins to blur.

This type of dynamic is complicated and hard to identify, as it often masquerades as what looks like healthy love and concern. It is important to acknowledge that depending on another person for consistent emotional support is not inherently bad and can often be the basis of an incredibly fulfilling relationship. However, codependency occurs when this reliance becomes so extreme that it begins to obstruct both partners' ability to access balance within the relationship.

If you or your partner find yourself straining every nerve to ensure the other's wellbeing at-all- costs, it’s time to pause and reevaluate. Within codependent relationships, if one partner isn’t feeling happy, the other often strives to micromanage the situation until the negative feelings go away. This can serve to diminish their own wellbeing, and lead to feelings of feeling overwhelmed and disempowered. The distorted perception that our happiness relies solely on our partner’s mood can prevent us from leading our own lives and participating in meaningful aspects of self-care. We may fear that giving our partner distance or autonomy to process their emotions without us, will result in them leaving us for good. As a result, addressing and managing codependency can feel challenging.

So, how can codependent individuals approach this transition in a mentally healthy way?

Start with breaking down all of the unhelpful messaging you internalized in order to make space for trusting yourself and, eventually, enjoying your freedom. To do this, practice taking mindful steps towards decoupling your happiness from your partner’s emotionality. Take responsibility for yourself, question the validity of any irrational fears or intrusive thoughts and focus on what supports your growth, even if it means being apart from your partner. Start small by practicing activities that you enjoy and prioritizing tasks that align with your values, ambitions, and skills.

In addition to developing a sense of wisdoms for yourself, it is important to establish clear boundaries between you and your partner. Learning that you maintain a sense of separate identity and observant distance from your partner is essential for setting up a solid foundation to managing your relationship and your codependency.

It is natural, within any type of relationship, to feel destabilized when our partner expresses shifts in mood. If a loved one is hurt, it is natural to have the impulse to help them. Rather than jumping to fix the situation, take such moments to practice cultivating the quality of presence and loving words of encouragement. Unlike attempting to change the situation, providing a supportive space to express their discomfort can aid the other in resolving these issues in a healthy manner.

A quick and effective way to begin gauging how your partner is feeling is by asking simple, reflective questions. Asking questions such as “How can I best support you right now?” or “ How are you feeling?” can provide insight into your potential next steps. Such techniques can start you off towards understanding and removing the barriers between you and your significant other.

It is crucial to acknowledge and understand that our only control over our life is ourselves. So often, when we attach our worth and security to our relationship, we inadvertently set ourselves up for a rollercoaster between helplessness and hopelessness. Having faith and accepting that you are strong enough to face the challenges life throws your way – with or without your partner – is a major step towards creating the necessary autonomy within your relationship.

Remember, feeling scared or worried about changes in your relationship is normal, but at the same time, it is important to trust your feelings and find the healthy space to continue thriving in your life while also maintaining a harmonious romance.

Regardless where your journey takes you, it is important to remember that true relationships are much more than mere coexistence, they are places of connection and love.