The Rules to Regaining Your Lost Love
The Rules to Regaining Your Lost Love
When reading these rules , you definitely will think that these 20 rules will drive your Lost Mate even farther away ...but, if ever you feel you just can't agree with them then ask yourself, 'is what I'm doing now working?' Aha! I may have a point, then - right?! If what you are doing now isn't working, then why do you want to keep doing it? Why do you keep banging your head against the wall?
Here are 20 Rules for Reclaiming your Lost Mate:
Always agree with your Lost Mate, no matter what. Translation: "Yes, you are right. My mother is a tub of brainless lard."
Date again. Even if you have to hire a date from an escort service! Date again whether, or not, you have absolutely any desire of ever being with another person ever again!
Want out of the relationship, too. If your Lost Mate wants a divorce, say, 'Yes. I agree with you. As much as I'd like our marriage to work out, I can see that it will not. I'll get in contact with my lawyer tomorrow."
Always keep a cheery, calm, soothing voice, and an air of happy resignation about you. Translation: I am happy, too, to get this over with and move on with my life. In fact, I'm looking forward to it.
Get outside interests and hobbies. Make new friends. Establish your individualism and your uniqueness - separate from that of your Lost Mate.
Never, ever chase after your Lost Mate, or plead and beg with your Lost Mate to reconsider. Never, ever promise your Lost Mate that you will change, or that you have changed. This never works. It just chases your Lost Mate even farther away. Stop chasing, and start moving in the opposite direction. But always do this in a friendly, nice, and cheery way. Again, never disagree with them, as disagreeing with them attacks their pride and forces them to naturally take a stand against you, in order to protect and defend themselves.
Never tell your Lost Mate that you love them, especially as a bargaining (begging) tool to try to win them back. If they ask you if you love them answer truthfully, but never, ever offer those words unsolicited.
Be mysterious, even secretive, with your 'new' life. Be a creature unlike any other. Display self-confidence, self-assurance, and a 'who needs you' attitude. But remember, even though you love yourself immensely you can still be congenial, agreeable, and cheerful!
Go to parties, social events, dances, etc. even if you don't feel like it. Make it look like you are avidly eager to 'get on with your new singlehood'.
Consider placing a singles ad, or placing a love profile, with a matchmaking service.
Never call them - and if they call you, keep the conversation brief, limiting it to about eight-minutes max. Always be the first to end the conversation. Be polite and friendly. Rarely, if ever, return their calls. After all, you are just soooo busy with your new life!
Buyer beware! Seriously take a look at your Lost Mate. Examine their issues, their quirks, their flaws, their faults. Observe them in their daily routines. Take off your blinders! Is this someone you really want to be with, or is this simply someone you feel the urgent 'need' to be with? Remember, our desires can create in us a false sense of urgency. We don't 'need' anybody! A simple fact!
Be too busy to keep customary dates. For instance, if you and your Lost Mate usually meet for lunch on Tuesday afternoons, be 'just too busy to make this Tuesday's luncheon date'.
Be humble and agree with your Lost Mate's personal attacks on you. Never attempt to defend yourself. Translation: If your Lost Mate says that you were a lying cheat, agree with them. "Yes, you're right. I was a lying cheat. That must have hurt you a lot. Why I don't blame you for not wanting to be with me. I'm such a cad." This actually makes your mate take your side and defend you, or your actions. Kewl, huh?
Stop believing you need them. You don't need anybody, and, indeed, the more you believe you need somebody the less likely you are to have them. Love is nice, relationships are nice, but they're not essential. You don't have to have them. The more you feel you need something, the more likely you are to radiate an air of anxiety, and panic - and the more likely you are to slip and attack your Lost Mate's pride, because the more you feel you need something the more you feel that the object of your need has stripped you of your very own pride. Need strips us of our pride. Your goal is to emit an air of peace and happiness with your current singlehood.
Stop working toward saving your relationship and start working toward getting a new life.
Play hard to get. People love challenges, they love the hunt, they want something that they cannot have. Fact! Don't be so readily available. Give them something to work at, give them the thrill of the chase. Often, people love the chase, but become bored once the chase is over. Boredom can masks itself as lack of love, or caring. They actually believe that they have fallen out of love, or just can't love the other like they think the other deserves to be loved. But, in reality, they are just plain bored to death with the relationship!
Make plans to move out. Look for a studio apartment, shop for furniture, etc. Play the game all the way.
Get a life! Make your life better than ever. Change things about you that you didn't like. Try new things, develop new interests. Climb mountains, join a gym, take dance lessons, join a pool tournament. Get out there and have fun, experience all the adventures that you have been missing by being in a relationship. Live!
Last, but not least. Keep doing these above rules, even when it looks like you're not getting anywhere. Never waver
more food for thought
WE all have the desire to be loved, to be wanted, to be approved of, and to be agreed with. But that's all it is - a desire. We don't need to be loved, wanted, approved of, or agreed with. And we all have the desire to be with our loved ones, to make them happy, to feel them in our arms. But, that too, is just a desire, we really don't need to be with them, to make them happy, to feel them. It's just a desire. We actually turn people away by our believing we need them. We devalue ourselves, taking away our credibility, our individualism, and our own sense of self-esteem. We strip ourselves of our dignity. We lose our attractiveness. The more you need someone, the less likely they will want to be there for you. You become 'work, an 'obligation', or a 'chore'. In fact, they will run just as fast and just as far away from you as they can! They will feel like they are being pulled apart, drained, suffocated, controlled, zapped, consumed. They will never, ever be free to feel their love for you because they will be in a constant 'pulling away' mode. You actually turn someone against you when you 'need' them. For instance, let's say you have an aging parent who is a convalescent. They need you. You must take care of them around the clock, care for them, clean up after them. Feed them. They are so needy and dependent on you for everything, for without you they are totally helpless. So, here you are, trying to take care of your own life, and taking care of their's, too. Now, of course you love your aging parent, but - in all honesty - they are sucking the life out of you. Their constant neediness is wearing you thin, draining you, and you may feel an urgent desire to just get away from them for awhile. See? Although you love them, you are feeling drained by them and not free to feel your love willingly and without suffocating obligation.
You can win someone's heart back when you realize you don't need them. It's just a desire. Like a preference for pineapple topping over hot fudge. If the relationship doesn't work out, it's okay with you. Sure, you desired it to work out - sure, you may mourn for the loss of it. But you really don't need it, and indeed, you never did.
When you realize and understand that you don't need someone or something, you begin to relax a little bit more around them. You lose all that anxiety that you were displaying, and replace it with a more fun-loving, and easy-going nature. Nothing will make somebody want you more than a constant - and genuine - relaxed smile on your face. They can sense your new-found self-fulfillment, lightness, and even some 'apathy' from you, and that makes you very desirable to them. In a sense, when you stop desperately clinging to them as a life support, they can now feel safe to return to you. And your apathy drives them crazy! Now, it's their turn to chase you. But, it doesn't really matter, because you don't need them anymore - so let them chase away!
Some are reasonable and have been mentioned throughout eNotalone. But the one about "Don't talk longer than 8 minutes" kinda got me thinking... How childish is it trying to get someone back? Why do you have to play games with them to get them back? i would say screw them if you are having to play these games. I think a relationship is over because its over, and revival is out of question. If you have to resort to some of thiese "tactics" then I think its the DUMBEST thing in the world. Its like when your watching those corny movies and you yelling at the tv screen "COME ON!!!!"
Why fight for it, some of this is really rediculous.
........................ I will
......._)......)../..... to be
... ......... ........... same
Excellent Post..Couldn't of said it better myself
hang around the forum, your a great addition
And sometimes I feel like I can't even remember...
And sometimes tears fall like rain in late November
When we feel comfortable with letting go, and when we start avidly and trustingly, looking forward to our new life, we stop the clinging neediness that is making our mates withdraw from us. We seek to make our own life, to bring our own sun up in our morning, and we literally reek with self-confidence, self-assurance, and happy, healthy attitudes. What could possibly be more attractive on a person!
When you display these qualities it makes others feel safe around you. They don't feel like they are responsible for bringing the sun up in your morning. They trust that you don't need them, that you are somebody without them, and this draws them to you like a magnet. They can feel safe in returning to you, because they lose nothing by doing so. In fact, they may be drawn to you simply because they have so much to gain. They are attracted to your natural smile, your charismatic attitude, your total display of self-confidence. They can relax and feel safe around you, free to feel their love without the pressure of having to, they can now allow their loving emotions toward you to surface without feeling like their love is being stolen from them, or demanded of them.
By being willing to lose your partner you are saying, "I love you, but I love myself more and I am confident that I will be fine without you." In other words, they are comforted and no longer feel pressured. They feel safe around you. They can return to you, free to feel their love for you. Free from the pressure of having to. You are, now, far more lovable and attractive than you have ever been before!
Here is some more food for thought that I found......
"You can feel them pulling away. You can see it. They may have even said it straight out, "I'm leaving you." Often this sets off a number of emotional alarm clocks at their highest volume and intensity. Few times in life is it easier to panic. Few times in life is it more important you don't.
It feels like a disaster doesn't it? Well you've watched disaster movies. You know how it goes. The ones who panic die off early in the movie. They are small part actors and you never remember their names. The one's who keep their heads in the crisis tend to walk out of the flaming building with the other most attractive character on their arm. If you want to win them back you must make a decision now to either panic and most likely lose your goal before you get close to it or to get in your brain, utilize your anxiety, depression, anger, and loneliness. And while you're at it don't forget to utilize rather than suffer all that pain you've been given.
Chances are you're getting a lot of conflicting advice from folks. It all boils down to fish or cut bait. The advice I give to win a love back starts with the same advice as for letting go.Let go.
Romance, love, sex, it's always a dance. It's all back and forward, back and forward. When your love pulls back, then back again and you are still moving forward, it's no longer a dance, it's a chase. And what do people do when we chase after their affection? They run.
I imagine your love is prepared for the chase to continue, and if I'm right it makes them feel guilty. How often does guilt buy love and attraction? Not often. I've never seen it. Have you?
If anything will work at all it is to let go. Not let go and sit home and suffer, but let go and go have a blast every day. This may sound impossible. But if your love is strong enough, if your goal of winning them back is compelling enough; you can do anything you have to do. Letting go and having a blast strengthens your position several ways.
It surprises them. They have taken your suffering for granted. They assume it. That's the person they're dumping. Who the hell is this person having so much fun? Curiosity is compelling. You get happy and relaxed with this and it hits them like a bucket of cold water that they don't know you quite as well as they thought they did.
We're all sexier and more attractive when we're having a blast than when we're depressed. It's far more compelling than making them responsible for our happiness.
When they see beyond a shadow of a doubt you're no longer chasing after their affection they can quit running and make their decision based on what they want instead of the chase they're running from.
We often take each other for granted. Part of the reason you've stopped taking them for granted right now is they've pulled back. The water in the well really is running dry. If your love will come back it will be after "they" realize all that's missing from life without you. They can't know what that is till you've pulled back as well.
Impatience is your enemy. It compells you to take action out of fear and we know that causes more mistakes and bigger mistakes. Generally impatience cannot be just pressed down, it creeps out and peeps out when you least expect it. Impatience is just that little voice inside your head that tells you, you can't be happy until you know your love is glad to be back. There's only one thing that really squashes impatience - making yourself go have so much fun every day that your brain has to go, "well, duuuuh, guess I can be happy right now and continue taking strategic actions towards my goal." A former Boss of mine had a standard rule for submitting loan applications, "Don't hurry up to get a turn down." If it's important, you must focus more on getting it right than doing it in a hurry.
I promise you , you're far more likely to win them back the more you enjoy this process and the less you suffer it. If you think that's impossible, think again. The most successful people on earth choose to enjoy challenges rather than be swamped by them. You must only make a decision now whether or not this goal is important enough for you to use your head or unimportant enough for you to allow your compulsions to defeat you. It's up to you.
I've seen this advice bring couples back together after restraining orders have been issued and clients have been arrested for breaking them. I don't guarantee it to work everytime and it works better than anything else. And if it doesn't work to win them back, in the process you've been strengthened and prepared to let go for good far more comfortably than you are right now.
Your fear is that if you let go you'll lose them. In fact you're more likely to lose them if you don't.
Very excellent post!!!
To those that don't want to play games, look at it this way. You are not playing a game but actually moving on. These are rules that apply to moving on, but with the hiding motive of getting you love back. We have all heard it "no contact and move on with your life". Well, that works for everybody, those that want to get their exes back and those that do not. So, this popst is just telling you to move on with you life and you may or may not get the ex back, but you will be a better person and more desirable to the ex or someone new~!!!
Great advice. I've been reading this forum for a few months now and many "How to get your love back" posts have been offered here, and I've read them all. Nobody I know has been able to put the information in a way that made as much sense as your post. Thank you.
Strip your mate of their pride, and you strip them of their soul.
You have to let go of something, before you can get it.
You have to stop needing something, in order for it to be freely given to you.
If you live in a constant state of self-protection, you always will be alone.
If you hold prisoner a life it's only desire is to get free. The harder you hold, the more they need to flee.
Did you know that, contrary to popular belief, you can change other people - simply by changing yourself.
How we treat another is a cycle of how we feel they treat us. This can be good, or bad, depending solely on ourselves and our efforts of communication. Also, this works both ways - how they treat us is how they feel we treat them. Do unto others...
You are the only one that can save your relationship. It is not up to your spouse/mate to change their mind or decision, it is up to you to change yours.
When you are on the begging end of a relationship, you are putting your partner in the driver's seat. You can gain back the driver's seat and steer your relationship in a better direction by getting out of drive and putting your efforts in reverse.
When another person opposes you they may do one of four things (in this order): They resist, attack, withdraw, or flee. Rarely, if ever, do they happily, or willingly, surrender.
You can save your relationship, and stop your breakup, but first you have to stop resisting the breakup.
Without even knowing it, by working at our relationships we actually do more harm than good.
It only takes one partner to save the relationship.
You need to stop your resistance to things in your life that you have no control over. Learn the peaceful release that comes with acceptance and letting go. Release your upsets and fears and give them back to themselves, and you gain control. Hold onto them and resist them and you lose control.
When you repeatedly try to change someone, they actually shut down and stop responding to you. They resist our efforts, either by staying and fighting our controlling actions, or by taking flight and leaving us. Eventually they lose all desire to stay and completely shut down from us and the relationship.
Our pain and hurt is not caused by other people, or uncomfortable situations. Pain and hurt in our lives is caused by our own resistance to accepting situations, certain experiences, or unwanted occurrences. The minute we stop fighting and resisting the event we take our pain away.
You can not stop a divorce, or a breakup, unless and until you let go of resisting it, and learn to accept it. Realize that you will be okay, no matter what. And you will!
The moment you let go of something you actually gain control over it.
Letting go is actually the greatest weapon we have. We can overpower and overcome just about anything and anyone simply by letting go of them.
We naturally fear losing anything that is important to our lives, be that of our mates, our jobs, our home, our possessions, or our friends. The more we fear losing them the more we resist, holding on even tighter. We can become manipulative, challenging, controlling, threatening, helpless, promising, clinging, pleading, proposing, conniving, over-bearing, weepy, sappy, panicky, submissive, etc. The more we try to use these forms of manipulation, the more we are likely to lose what we have. The more we let go of ownership over these things and stop our resistance to losing them - and the more we are willing and accepting of losing them - the more likely we are to keep them in our lives. The loss of something in our lives is not the end of the world. Remember, the most beautiful things in your life started out in a situation where you had to let go of something and venture into the unknown.
By accepting and being willing to the fact that you may lose your loved one, you stop your resistance and fear associated with it and trust that you will be okay. This, in turn, eliminates your need to have them in your life. And when you let go of someone you allow them to stop running from you. They naturally feel more comfortable around you and willingly return without fear. When you can fully admit your own role and mistakes, you gain back their support for you.
Letting go is in accepting that all loss hurts, but that you will be okay, no matter what. Avoiding painful situations by holding on only exaggerates and extends the amount of our pain.
Ask yourself, 'what is the worse that will happen?' You will lose your spouse? Well, no..not really - by accepting the fact that you never really have anyone but yourself, can you realize that only in losing yourself do you really suffer loss. And you can only lose yourself to someone else. Why would you want to do that? They already have a life, and if you hand your's over to them then they will have two lives and you won't have any!
Acknowledging your fears is the key to letting them go. The more you fight and resist the breakup the more the inevitable conclusion that it will occur. However, by accepting that it might happen, by stopping your resistance to it, and by allowing the flood of emotions that occur..you are taking a major step toward stopping the breakup. You stop your breakup by actually being willing to let it happen, and by being okay with that outcome. The key to peace in letting go is by admitting that it's okay to lose.
I should state here that I am too in the middle of a breakup in which I truly would love to reconcile. I dated her for 1.5 years and we broke up in early December. After some friendly emails back and forth initiated by me, and then about 4 contacts initiated by her during Christmas time, I got too excited and called her. When the outcome was not exactly what I was hoping for, I got desperate. It only happened one time.....not over and over like some other stories I have heard of, but I immediately sent an email the next day to apologize and started the no contact phase immidiately........I found this information I have posted here and believe it could be helpful to many here. I am in day 21 of no contact and my goal is to get to 60 days. My ex has not told me it is completely over and even said she could see us catching up together in the springtime on a walk around a local nearby lake. I have been in the depths of darkness for a period of time in the beginning and on a roller coaster ride ever since. I am now starting to get a little better each day and the info I have posted here has helped me. I finally met two females Saturday evening and got their numbers. I am reluctant, but am going to call and set up dates with each of them to help in the moving on process. Good luck to everyone here.
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