First time break up with long term GF... thinks there's still a chance?

Greetings everyone,

I've been reading all these posts about couples getting back together after breaking up, sometimes even coming back stronger and that's given me hope for my current situation. I'm so thankful to everyone has shared their story, even though we may never get back together.

Basically, my ex girlfriend (21) of a little over 2 years and I (22) decided to call it quits the other night. The first year and a half was pure happiness, we hardly ever fought, and genuinely enjoyed being in each other's presence. We even began planning our wedding not too long ago. However, about a year ago I began to go through some personal anxiety issues (unrelated to the relationship) that basically caused me to become distant from my girlfriend. I changed for the worse during my anxiety period and it caused things in our relationship to get weird. Well, fast forward a year later and even though I'm over my anxiety issues it seems we were never able to get back to the way we used to be. She told me she loved me but was unhappy for awhile.

Long story short, my ex will graduate from our college (we go to the same university) in May of this year and will head to D.C. this summer to begin her next four years of Med School. Until the moment we broke up, I was planning on moving down there and getting a job while living with her. I even had interviews lined up for later this Spring with a couple potential employers, but those might as well be gone now...

This girl was the one I've loved the most in my entire short 22 years of life, and I know that I was her longest relationship up until we called it off. Even though things ended amiably, I still hope for a chance to reconcile and move on. We haven't talked since the night we broke up, but I figured I would start a NC period to kind of dissociate the negative feelings about me. I know that I must try to pick up the pieces and move on and try to come out a better, more mature person. I know we still have feelings for each other and I'm praying she'll realize that breaking up is a mistake, but with us now moving to different cities, I hope she won't forget about us.

Even though it will take a decent amount of time for things to settle, is there any chance this relationship could be mended and come back stronger? If we both genuinely want to make this work and change for the better, it can't be considered completely over could it? Sorry for rambling on. Anyone who has stories of break ups in which couples have successfully worked out their problems and got back together would be greatly appreciated. Thanks guys.

I hate to say this, but 2-3 years is what you get from women that age. Or, probably, any age. It's biological. Search these boards. It's incredible how large a percentage of relationships end - usually at the behest of the woman - after 2-3 years.

The good news is that this isn't really your fault. It wasn't your anxiety, it wasn't that you were a bad boyfriend.

The bad news is that this wasn't your fault. Thus, there is nothing you can do about it.

My advice is to go with NC, and, to date. Don't look for anything serious, but get out there. There are lots and lots of great available women. Tons of them. Meeting some of them will help you gain perspective about your past and hope for your future.

Thanks for replying to me Doofus, I appreciate your input. While I understand that a lot of relationships with women during this age end around this time, I am holding out for a chance at being together since we are still on good terms, despite the breakup.

Just to give everyone an update, I met with her for about 45 minutes tonight for the first time since the break up. I told her all the things that I reflected on and things that I'm improving in my own life to make me happy. She opened up a little and admitted she still has feelings for me but there is still some damage, and I'm sure that's just going to take some time. However, after laying all my cards out on the table and hinting that I think we could make it work, she never denied it flat out. Obviously we aren't going to jump back into a relationship because that wouldn't change anything. Instead, I told her I wanted to establish a new foundation after some time in which we've both grown and matured and come back to it. While she said she wasn't going to give me false hope, I get the feeling she will think things over and hopefully give me another shot, however long in the future that may be.

I told her I wasn't going to get with any rebounds and she said the same thing about her, so I may be picking splinters, but I hope that's a positive sign. Again, I'm not going into this with the expectation of getting back together, but rather hoping and praying the changes she sees in me will re-ignite that attraction she once had. I don't know when I will speak to her next but I suppose NC will be the best route to travel until she can sort her feelings out and really think things over. I really hope I can post my success story down the road if we ever get back together. We were each other's first real love and I just have a gut feeling if it's true love, we'll find our way back to each other.

Anyways, I'm sorry for rambling on, but seeing her really put me in a good mood, even if it's delaying the healing process.

People on here talk of 'the healing process' as if it is some well-defined thing. It is not. (nor for that matter is the term 'healed'...) Sometimes seeing someone can be more painful in the short term but better in the long term, and sometimes the reverse is true. Not seeing someone has similarly unpredictable effects.

The way I like to think about post-relationships is this: Imagine you've been invited to a friend's house for dinner. Afterward, you all are sitting around, talking, drinking etc. At some point, though, it becomes clear in some way that it's time to leave. The dinner party is over. And to beg, or cajole or whatever in order to keep the dinner party going after the host or hostess wishes it to be over is brutish and a sign of very poor social skills. Your relationship is the dinner party. And you can't extend it. Maybe, if you behave yourself in a civilized manner, you'll be invited back for another one. Maybe not.

In any case, most people get a sense of when they've over-stayed their welcome. I think that if you look deep in your heart, you'll see when you've overstayed yours. I mention this, because, though the hostess is polite, they still may want you to leave. Do so. Then wait for your next invitation.

Thanks again for the reply Doofus. I like the analogy you used about the dinner party, that is a very accurate description about a break up. While I hope I played my cards right and earned a future invitation, I can't ever expect it, because that will just hinder my progress of moving on. In the meantime, I'm just going to do what I said and improve myself and get my mind in the right place. Like many others have said on this forum, If I move on and become truly happy with myself, that's fantastic. If my ex decides down the road she would like to give it another shot at that point, then it's a bonus - but not something I should expect.

She was my first real relationship, so naturally I was going to make some mistakes along the way, mistakes I wish it didn't take a break up to understand. But I can't go back in the past, I can only move forward at this point and make myself a better person so I don't repeat them again with her or whoever else may come into my life. NC with her is really going to be hard, but I hope she has enough time to dissociate the negative aspects about me and see that it really is possible to start again. I'll keep people posted.