need advice: emotional/verbal abuse

My boyfriend and I have been living together for 8 years. We already got 2 kids, and life is sometimes pleasant, sometimes not.

The problem is, when I call on my bf for something wrong he did or said, his usual response is usually the same thing over and over again for 8 years: Giving me flak for not being a virgin anymore. Or that he's not the first to 'de-virginize' me so I have no right telling him what to do or what is supposed to be right. He's been telling me a lot of crap, yelling profanity here and there, and just belittling my person. I often feel violated as a woman.

I mean, when we got together I was 23 and he's 26. Now, I'm 31 and he's still telling me this?! Take note he's not the religious, conservative type.

I never cheated on him. I never even go to bars, I don't drink or smoke. And before we got together, I wasn't even the party girl type. It's just that he's not the first one who had sex with me. And that's not all: I'm the breadwinner here. We don't have much problems with our finances because I do make decent money for our family. But he doesn't work, he had done drugs, and he's an alcoholic. He drinks every other day to my chagrin. I don't even know if he's getting pissed drunk on purpose just to irk me. I do my share of the household chores, pay bills from my own savings and take care of the kids (which is most of the time aside from work). I just feel so tired, burned out. And I get really stressed whenever he comes home drunk which causes more trouble for me. He almost got our motorcycle impounded or landed his ass in jail for 24 hours for being a public scandal because of his uncontrollable drinking. I usually pay for them - financially and emotionally.

The reason I stuck with him is he does love our kids. But is that reason enough to stick with him? I often retort, why is he sticking with me then? And yes, the reason he's not working is because why should he work for a family who's mom isn't a virgin anymore.

Friends, I really need your counsel. I'm getting tired of hearing this 'not virgin anymore' rant every week for the last 8 years. Is this normal? Do guys even still give a crap about this?

No ,sorry his response is not normal. It would probably be better to take your children away from this environment. This is what being modeled for them as a sign of being a man. Someone who is an alcoholic ,prefers not to work and spouts crazy crap in arguments. Your children are being raised in an unstable environment.

Oweee, what a moron!!!! Why do you want to stay with someone who believes your value as a person went the moment you had sex for the first time? He's messed up! Being good with the kids is no where near enough goodness to counteract how much of an arse he is being to you.

I think you already know the answer. The hardest part is leaving. I was married to a alcoholic/drug user and he would go off on me when he was drunk too and say awful things. I had two very small kids at that time, one was 10 months old and the other 3 yo. Once I decided I had enough verbal abuse, I kicked him out and never looked back. I was raising the kids on my own anyway as most nights he wouldn't come home till after the bars closed. He was a functioning alcoholic though, had his own business so he did support us, but it was unbearable to live with him. So its totally up to you, but since you are financially stable, and able to support your home and your kids, I would consider leaving. This will not get better unless he decides to get sober, and that means hitting rock bottom. Its been 30 years + since I left my X husband and he is still doing the same thing! I am so happy I didn't stay.

Good luck!

Definitely not normal. And I think he goes back to the same thing over and over because he knows that it has an effect on you. I was in a similar situation - verbal & emotional abuse. I worked 2 jobs - he played nintendo & watched tv. Drug addict, etc. Unfortunately, I was married to him. He took advantage of that & had himself added to all my credit cards. Forced me into bankruptcy (after he charged over $250K to my cards).

So without a doubt - get out of there. do not even think twice. He loves the kids - fine. He can have supervised visits. The way he treats you is most likely affecting the way the kids see you.

His reasoning is ridiculous, his belittling of you is awful. No one has to put up with being treated like that. Love yourself - do not allow him to crush you. If you find it hard to leave, please go talk to a professional. I'm sure they can help you see the light.

Best of luck to you

emotional/verbal abuse

The minute you're tempted to associate the word 'abuse' with someone's behavior, that should tell you all you need to know.

The guy continues to badger you about your past, which you can do absolutely nothing about, so what, exactly, do you hope to see change about this dynamic?

He's not going to change. Neither is the past. So the only reasonable change you can make is to move yourself out of this mess, heal and grow--and you'll thank yourself later.

Head high, and respect your Self.

I don't read replies because I don't want to taint my reply...but I bet EVERYONE is telling you to leave him. You are young....You say you stay because of his love for this kids. He is abusing their mother...so he does not LOVE THEM ENOUGH. And he is hurting them MORE THAN YOU KNOW. I can say this because I stayed in a relationship that was extremely abusive for over 22 years..and my kids are severely damaged. As a matter of fact everyone I know that has kids and stayed in these types of relationships..the kids are messed up. I'm sorry but not only is he hurting your kids...you are hurting them by staying with him. Please start planning the escape. Find an apt....LEAVE THIS MAN. You will be SO HAPPY you did. I finally left after 22 years and it was the best thing ever. My own kids tell me I should have done it years ago and told me things they saw and heard which I thought they were protected from. You can't control him HURTING the kids but you can control your part. You said you are financially stable...do something for yourself and your kids AS FAST AS YOU CAN.