Inrusive friends, serious situation, what to say or do?

I need advice on what to do about an old friend of mine.

We were good pals when we were younger-- preteens. She was a really good friend, never had any problems with her, really enjoyed talking to her and spending time with her. She wound up taking off because of a troubled childhood, and she moved halfway accross the country and despite looking for her, I didn't hear from her for about 16 years. I just now got in contact with her when she found me on facebook and wrote me a letter asking me how I was and if I could meet her for lunch since she'd moved back to the area.

I said yes, and it was pretty nice to talk to her. The only thing that was every frustrating about her was that she was very over-bearing and in-your-face. This wasn't such a bad thing when we were younger-- she mostly just said where we'd hang and what we'd do, dominate the conversations; I wasn't as picky or particular as she was, as long as I had some company I didn't really care. I'm still pretty much that way, I'm easy to please and it's hard to make me mad if you're someone I'm particularly fond of-- but now it's not so much just bossiness as it is intrusiveness. After a few days of messaging on fb and feeling eachother out, she demanded-- not asked-- demanded I see her the following Wednesday when I told her I was ill and my days are unpredictable because of a serious chronic illness. I explained that because of my health problems, I usually can't predict what I'm able to do socially and that I'd have to literally wait until the day of to see if I can even get out of bed and that I was very sorry, but that was the way it is for now...so she then asked my address so that she could have it in her contacts list for when she did come over someday...but once I gave it to her she basically told me that she'd show up at my doorstep the day she originally planned "sick or not!" and that she planned on letting herself in if I didn't answer the door. Um...no?

My boyfriend and I live together and have a pretty private, personal existence. Everything we do is planned and we are careful about who we even let in our home because of very personal reasons, mainly both of us having health problems and needing copius amounts of rest. We are susceptible to stress and are easily drained by aggressive people, including family, if we're not careful. My boyfriend also works a physically demanding job and needs to rest and recoup on his own terms. He also has a few health problems of his own, so everyone who knows us, knows that we won't even answer the door if someone shows up without calling or warning. This includes family, especially his parents who are pretty demanding, nosey and don't know when to leave. Boundaries are rules, not a suggestion. We've made it clear that it's not okay with us to ever barge in and it's not how we're able to live our lives comfortably at the moment-- we have our lives conducted to cater to our health and productivity, so we need notice, and we definitely need a say in who dominates our time or home, and what we do with our day. You'd be surprised at how many people try to knock down our boundaries, and it's stressful work to have to constantly confront and re-explain the whats and whys to people when they don't respect them. (I don't know how she expected to get in without a key, to be honest, but I don't put it past her to at least rummage around the front and back door, looking for the spare.)

Our house is also incredibly small-- we have a house that's set up so that the bedroom door is right off the living room, no hallway, and you can't get to our bathroom without going through our bedroom-- it makes for a huge lack of privacy when we have guests, not to meantion stress as if someone needs to come over, I need to make sure our bedroom is cleared of personal items, anything private, and even with the bedroom door closed, our guests are right outside of it, leading to us feeling very invaded if we don't have a warning or a say in who pops over. Basically it means everyone's right on top of eachother, gets crowded pretty easily. This is a rough thing to deal with when I'm in so much physical pain and can barely move somedays, or throwing up, let alone entertain guests and abide them walking in and out of my bedroom and using it while I'm seven feet away, seperated by a door that is faulty and can't close all the way, when I can't leave bed. This house was basically built for a single person or a couple, and no other type of family. Privacy is such a must in our lives to be able to be happy and functional right now-- can't stress that enough.

That all being said, she began calling my cell three to four times a day. I couldn't answer every call, as I sleep during certain times of day, which I explained to her, especially when I'm having flare-ups, so when I wouldn't answer she'd barage me with text messages and fb messages : "Come on!", "Um, where are you!?" , "HEY!", "For %$#@'s sake, pick up your damn phne, NOW!!!", I'm coming over, now!" ........argh...... Got back on fb and re-explained that I may not answer every text or call right away and it may even take a day or two as my conditions get so bad sometimes I have to sleep through the day or spend the day laying in the bathroom. I told her because I didn't want her to take it personally, so she knew that even my parents know that's how it goes sometimes. She said she actually had some chronic health conditions, too and they also caused her a decent amount of physical pain some days, though not quite as extreme as mine. She asked what I do to control it. I told her it was bad enough I have to take prescription pain-killer just so I don't spend the day bed-ridden and crying. Bad idea, I guess. Her response was "Feel like sharing them?" I had a feeling she wasn't joking because she wasn't the first person to ask me for my pills, but tried to "lol" it and pretend I thought she was kidding.

I finally agreed to see her on that Wednesday, as my body decided to cooperate that day. Went out and played catch-up and it was actually really nice, but the first thing she said after I hugged her hello was "I've got a headache. Got any aspirin?" I nooded and took out some Bayers. Then she said "Nooo...did you bring me any of the 'good stuff'?" and held out her hand. Great... I said no, I didn't bring anything like that. The rest of the day went by without incident and I tried to forget about it. Got to hear about her life since she'd taken off, some good, some bad. I told her about my chronic health conditions in a little more detail and what they mean as far as how I have to conduct my life for now. She talked more about hers as well, so it was nice to have someone to talk to who seemed to understand what I was going through. She really was sweet while hanging out and though she can be extremely over-bearing, it wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be, so that was encouraging. I actually had fun that day and had missed her.

Start messaging on fb two nights later and she wants me to see her again later that week. I told her once again, I'd have to see closer to the actual day. She pointed out that I just saw her and "looked fine". I told her I know, but sometimes it literally takes me a few days to basically recover, if that's what you want to call it, when I spend the day running around or socializing-- that's how weak and exhausted my body gets. She told me she was having flare-ups and wanted to know if I'd give her some of my pain-killers. I told her that I only get so many every two months and I had to make them last, as there's no getting up out of bed if *I* have a flare-up with no pain-killers, not to meantion I'd been on them a year now, and if I run out suddenly before the next prescription, my body goes through withdrawal because it's so used to the medicine, and that I'd have to taper off of them if I ever decide to go off of them, or switch treatment plans. Withdrawal from that stuff, if you haven't expereinced it, is horrible and would be even more so combined with everything else going on with my body. I wasn't willing to go two whole weeks unable to get out of bed on flare-up days or possibly every day because of withdrawal. So, she asked if I "knew anybody who could find her some, for a price"...I told her I didn't (I really don't even know where the heck to look) but I hate confrontation when I'm tired or already stressed, and didn't have the energy to defend myself once again. So I told her I'd keep a look-out and that I was sorry she was in that amount of pain-- she couldn't expect me to come up with any if she thinks I asked around, could she?

Fast forward two days ago-- phone calls and she wants to hang, but I had these last few days I'd promised to family and I also was feeling horrid, physically. She accused me of pulling her leg and avoiding her. I told her no, that I had been pretty sick the last week or so and I had to choose time with my grandmother who isn't doing well. Again, asked if I was faking that...? My phone had also not been getting service on and on the last few weeks, as it just does that sometimes, and she also hinted she thought that was a cover up because it worked just fine when I hung out with her that day... I knew that, but that was that day, this week was this week... I don't get half my phone calls or texts when my phone service is like that (don't know what causes it).

She's not happy that she couldn't get me on the phone phone when she wanted to, though I apologized. Out of the blue she types "Find anything to make me feel better?" I just pretended I didn't see it. We chatted a bit more and then she asked if my doc renewed my prescription, and how many pain-killers could she have as she wasn't feeling good. I just eventually lied and told her my doc stopped prescribing them to me and decided to see how my condition would fair without them (which is half-true, I'm weaning off of them very slowly so I can start seeing a specialist now that my insurance is different and then they'll decide if pain-killers are necessary after that). I told her I'd keep an eye out for anyone giving some away (again, I can't look for them, I wouldn't know where to begin, plus that's illegal). When I asked if I was right that it was illegal but I wish I could help, she became very condescending, kind of like how you speak to a kid when they don't understand something, calling me sweetie and honey (her way of being patronizing, that never changed) after telling me not to type out the words and to use code because we were being watched on fb, and she didn't want to get caught and that I was going to get her in trouble-- well, no crap! I don't want to get caught doing something dumb and throw away a squeaky-clean record on something that's not my responsibility! Basically speaking to me as if I were stupid. That's the only way to describe it. Very sarcastic and condescending, and she did it several times... *sigh* She got pretty pushy and began to pressure me "Are you sure you don't have some? I'd like some soon, go ask for some more! I really need them." And then she asked me to run her over some cigarettes, that she was out...Well, I would have, but she lives an hour and a half out of town, not to meantion I don't smoke, so I would have to buy them. It was 11 PM...no. Just no. Had no gas in the car, nor could I afford any, was feeling very sick and fatigued...Does she even listen to me? So many of my friends and family do not listen when I tell them I'm having flare-ups and find minutes later, they want favors that I physically can't give...Am I being selfish?

I love her to death guys, always have, but I don't know how many times I've explained to her, not to mention other people who've asked for my medicine, how much I actually need that stuff when I'm in hellish pain. They act like that prescription bottle is a pack of gum or Skittles-- I don't take those for fun, why would I have them if I don't need them? I can't seem to get it through to a lot of people how badly my body malfunctions and how much of a different one or two of those pills makes when it comes to not disappointing family members or being able to go to work. I'm in a bad position, I don't just have those for the hell of it, my life is full of doctor's appointments and crying. Plus, they're effing expensive. It almost makes me downright angry as soon as I let slip what I take to manage it, and they stick their hand out like a kid who sees candy and say "Oh, why didn't you say so?! Give some here, my back hurts! I'll take three, if you don't mind!" I've even had friends see me take one when in I'm hanging out with them and starting to hurt, and they just say "Oh, thank you, I need some of that!" and then put their hand out......and they're not kidding. I wish they were. Who does this? Is this something anyone else goes through? Why is this okay with them? I'd never think to ask for someone's high-caliber medicine that they need to be pain-free! I've never seen anything like it. I will be keeping it a damn secret from now on, but I really never expected to ever be pressured or hustled into giving up my medicine.

I know she doesn't feel well, but I've got myself to look out for at the moment and it's not my responsibility to be a med-supplier when her doctor said no and I have to ration them. I've fought these damn conditions for four years now, I've got how to cope with it and still function down to a T. I feel like most of my friends do not listen to me. Am I selfish?

Of course you shouldn't give prescription medicine to other people. No brainer. I think you should distance yourself from her as much as possible - she doesn't understand the limitations you have in getting together (or doesn't want to) and seems to see you as a pain pill supplier. Not a healthy way to interact.

Of course obtaining prescription drugs without a prescription is illegal. It is time you stood up for yourself. You don't need to be confrontational. Just say it is illegal and you WON'T do it. If she says anything after that, IGNORE it. You've made your point and it will sink in eventually. All the while you are pacifying her with excuses in order to put her off (whatever the issue) you are actually prolonging the problem. Put your foot down and ignore her sarcastic remarks so she knows she has no other choice but to BACK OFF.

She sounds like a typical prescription drug addict. And she may be overly interested in bullying her way into your house so she can rummage around and steal drugs from you.

Really, this is a no brainer indeed. This is not a 'nice' person at all, she's a bully and a user also showing that she is a serious drug addict who is wanting to see you in order to get drugs. And the reality is that if she were in legitimate pain rather than an addict, the doctor would be prescribing her medication for it and she wouldn't need to bully other people to try to get it. So there is no reason at all you should give her any drugs, and she doesn't 'need' them or a doctor would give them to her.

My suggestion is that you block her totally. Send her one email saying that it is obvious that she is not happy with the level of friendship that you are able and willing to offer, so she needs to find other friends. Then block her entirely. Don't answer your door if you hear someone knocking, and if she persists, tell her you'll get a restraining order.

And if she knows you have them, then she might well break into your house one day. I suggest you find a secure location for your medication (hidden or a house safe) so that other people including this women don't try to steal from you.

And good advice is to never talk in detail about your medical condition, and if any asks about drugs, you tell them you manage that with non-prescription meds or physical therapy or anything else to put them off the scent of wanting to rob you or your house of drugs. Those kind of people who ask for drugs are NOT friends, they are druggies and users.

btw if people are pressuring you for drugs, you need a better class of friends. Seriously, time to eliminate from your life any users/losers/drug addicts.

I had a good friend I had known for years, who began using drugs and turned into a raving lunatic. I do not use drugs, and had no clue she did, until I noticed her behavior became more and more erratic. She'd start calling me all hours of the day or night demanding that we talk, would make arrangements to do things, then cancel and re-schedule multiple times, again and again. I finally saw her one day with a pill bottle with a rainbow of pills in it, then one day we were scheduled to go on a long drive for an outing to a shopping mall, and she absolutely freaked out and insisted we return to her house because she'd forgotten her pill bottle. I confronted her about drug use and she continued to insist she was not using but was very obviously.

I ultimately had to stop taking her calls and cut her off because her behavior got so impossible and I knew she was addicted and refusing to deal with it.

You may have to do the same with this 'friend' of yours. The bullying will just get worse and worse if she believes you have drugs that she wants, and her 'friendship' and wanting to see you all the time will be about trying to get drugs from you, and being hyper etc. when she is high.

Ummm...well, from everything you said about this person, she sounds either very mentally unhinged and/or like she is just very pushy and very selfish. I understand that you have fond feelings for your friend because of your childhood friendship, but this was a very long time ago. Also keep in mind that you didn't really hear from her or see her for sixteen years, sounds like she made no effort to contact you. Now she's back in town she may only be hanging out with you because she knows nobody else, rather than that she truly cares about you and wants to be your friend. From the way you described the situation, it sounds like she couldn't care less about you. She's probably only pushing you to meet her because she's lonely and bored, and of course she wants your pills. She sure doesn't care about your health or getting you into legal trouble for her whims. You don't owe this person anything at all, especially since she didn't even contact you for so long and she's being so rude and selfish. I have a debilitating autoimmune disease and feel much the same as you a lot of the time and all my friends and family are very understanding and supportive about it. If she's just going to disregard how you feel then she's not even your true friend. You have other friends, family and a boyfriend, do you really need her? I think she is using you and you are letting her get away with it. I think you really need to stand up for yourself and lay down the rules. If she doesn't like it, then just delete her on Facebook, block her number and don't speak to her again. She doesn't deserve you.

Agree that you are contributing to the problem by making excuses and pacifying her, when what you should say is "I don't give out my medicine. It's mine and I don't share, and it's illegal. End of story."

Honestly, this person sounds like she is more draining to have in your life than supportive, which is clearly not what you need right now when you're managing your illness. Back up that talk about boundaries and kick her on the other side of yours, then don't let her anywhere near it again.

I'm sorry, but your "friend" is a prescription pill addict who wants to use you to obtain drugs. That's why she is almost obsessively stalking you at this point and wants to meet up. It's not for the friendship, it's to obtain the drugs. And you need to recognize this for what it is, because I did without even getting through your post. Do not let this woman into your house. Don't meet up with her alone even. Warn your SO she is not to be allowed in if she shows up when you aren't there. I wouldn't put it past her to do something nuts and/or illegal just to get her hands on your pain medications. Yes, it's that serious.

You can do this one of several ways. One, you simply tell her the friendship is over and you block and delete her. Tell her you will report her to the police for attempting to obtain drugs illegally if she continues to try to contact you in any way. And then you do just that if she persists. Two, you simply block and delete and stop responding altogether after a single text that states, "Never speak to me again." Which personally I think is not going to work since she sees you as a supply for drugs--scary, scary, scary.

Three, you ring her up all enthused and tell her you are on a new regime. That you turned in all your medications to your doctor and you are trying the natural route for all pain and she should try it too. Rave on about how good this will be and whenever she calls you answer with things like, "You need to try wheatgrass, it's the best thing ever! I will never let another pain pill into my house. You should stop taking that stuff." Listen to the sound of deafening silence.

And normally I don't advocate lying like that, but in her case she sounds so obsessed with getting her hands on your medicine I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't try to rob you or find an excuse to get into your house and get to the bathroom to steal. Seriously, the woman is like a heroin addict trying to grab up jewelry to get money for her fix. Get rid of her now like your life depends on it, because it does.

And then do the same with others too. I'm sorry, but certain types of medication are so addictive you can become a target for that, so treat it the same way you would a purse full of cash--don't flash it no matter who is in front of you. Excuse yourself to go the bathroom, don't just whip that out. And definitely not in public where anyone can see then later come after you for the drugs.

Sorry it took me so long to respond, my heart condition flared up and I wound up in the hospital for a bit. But thank you guys so much for the responses, it really helps to have this site to turn to, and I appreciate how much attention my problem and the advice was given!

I do think you guys are correct, I just needed some support and I needed to hear that I wasn't just over-reacting or having a knee-jerk reaction. I've been called paranoid before for other things that I've been right about, and everyone who knows me says I worry way too much and that it's ridiculous. I'm glad I'm just no the only one thinking this way and seeing her behavior as obsessive and kind of scary.

And ParisPaulette, I did take your advice and told her that my doctor took me off of the medication. I told her over text message, so I couldn't quite gage her reaction but you were correct-- she hasn't tried to contact me anymore.

Thank you guys very, very much again for your time and advice, it really helped and gave me a lot to think about.