Want to apologize but don't want to break NC

When she broke up with me, I was really hurt by some of the things she said, and I said something really hurtful to her that I deeply regret.

I have no illusion of getting back together with her, we broke up over a major difference, and the issue is still there, so getting back together at the moment is out of the question.

I still love her deeply. She is a very sensitive person, and I really don't want the hurtful things I said to affect her life. I want her to know that the things I said wasn't how I think of her.

I want her to know that she is a kind, loving, and good person, and she deserves all the happiness in the world. That's all.

She lives really close by but I am afraid to break NC because I am finally healing and I'm not strong enough to go through the pain again. She was the only person I've dated that I want to marry (we were engaged), and the break up was the most painful experience in my life.

Now I live everyday in regret that it didn't end the way she deserves. I don't know what to do.

Whatever your thinking of doing, just do it. Whether its reaching out to her or moving on without saying another word to her, just get it over with as soon as possible. In situations like these, there really is no wrong or right answer. But make the decision fast, do not hesitate. It's not the decision that's killing you, it's your inability to MAKE a decision in the first place.

I say these things not to offend, only to help.

Best of luck

How long ago did you guys break up? For how long haven't you had any contact?

Whatever decision you make you need to be 100% honest with yourself on the reasons why you are doing it. Do you feel it will help you move on and stop dwelling on the things you said? Are you hoping for a response of some kind? How will it make you feel if she doesn't respond?

If you really feel that it will help you in the sense that you are happy for her to know these things without expecting a response back the I would say go for it ... BUT ... that being said, I think it also depends on when you guys broke up. This question has been asked before and it turned out that the break-up was some years ago. That puts a different perspective on the matter, I think. Most of the time they know you don't mean things you said and were speaking out of pain or anger and therefore aren't as necessary as you think they are.

If I read behind the lines of your message it just screams of someone who is hoping for a get back in plan.

Forgiveness and acceptance comes from within and not from another person. The best apology you can give is to leave her alone and just move on with your life and let her move on with hers.

We all say things we don't mean and things were not proud of but it's acceptable at an end of a breakup our emotional state is high and things just come out.

Breaking no contact will serve no purpose to you or her that chapter of your life is closed now for you and for her. She knows you didn't mean what you said and it was a heat of the moment thing and just like you she'll be processing the breakup.

Stay silent and keep healing.

If it's any consolation - she has probably forgiven you over time regardless of your apology. my ex broke up with me once, and did the exact same thing, needed to apologise for things he was sorry for that he never expressed to me at the time. I forgave him eventually in my mind, despite his absent apology. For my own healing.

Nevertheless 6 weeks after we broke he texted to apologise. I was annoyed as I felt it was selfish of him to reach out when i was trying to move on. I felt his apology was not constructive.

But then again, he broke up with me, so i dont know about how it would be in your situation, i feel like the dynamic is different if you're the dumper and youre the one to reach back out again.

That being said, follow your gut.

if you do end up apologizing, do not half-ass it. make a genuine attempt at expressing yourself. reference the episode(s), how it made her feel, and then express your apology. you can even say that you are not looking for her response and just feel like this is what needs to be done. good luck!

Thank you guys for the reply and support.

CraigHowes, I think you are right, I wasn't trying to be hypocritical, but deep inside (well obviously not deep enough) I do scream getting back together.

That was the whole reason I had to go NC, if I see her or talk to her, I won't be able to stay calm or stay away. So breaking that now might just make things worse.

I have not heard of the idea forgiveness comes from within though, I'm not sure if I understand.

Maybe as a-little-blue said I have to think about the real reason I want to do this, if I just want to relieve myself of the pain, maybe it's too selfish to disrupt her healing (like Rainbow1 mentioned you were annoyed when your ex called, it wasn't constructive).

Staying away is probably for the best (?). I hurt her and I want to in some way make her life better to make up for it. But I guess things don't work that way.

Suffer in silence it is. At least until the next time it gets too much.

When we are under stress it's sometimes hard to decifer what exactly our true motives are.

When I first read your initial post I read a man who was fooling himself into thinking he could apologize and have zero expectations.

It's ok. . We all do it.

Sounds like you came to better understanding fairly quickly and honestly I think both sides realize they say things they regret in the heat of the moment.

Stay on track.

I know any contact I had initially set me so far back and I regretted it terribly. Yes. .and I kid myself that I did for different reasons as well.

It's to be expected. . Just don't do it!

When she broke up with me, I was really hurt by some of the things she said, and I said something really hurtful to her that I deeply regret.

 

I still love her deeply. She is a very sensitive person, and I really don't want the hurtful things I said to affect her life. I want her to know that the things I said wasn't how I think of her.

 

I want her to know that she is a kind, loving, and good person, and she deserves all the happiness in the world. That's all.

 

Now I live everyday in regret that it didn't end the way she deserves. I don't know what to do.

Hey there hon. Think of it this way ... you are not a god or some all powerful being. If you said mean things to her and she DOESN'T know she is a kind, loving, good person, it's not because of the mean things you said. It's because she has low self-esteem and she has to work on her self-esteem. That has nothing to do with you.

So think again about why you are wanting to get in touch with her. She's a strong person. She can heal herself.