Break-up is long overdue. Advice appreciated!

Hello all,

Here's my situation. In the spring of 2012, I moved from Maryland to Boston to take a job. At the time, my grandfather, who'd helped raise me, was gravely ill. Three weeks after I moved, he passed away. I went home for the funeral, and after returning to Boston, I was a mess - grieving, lonely, desperately homesick. I tried to find a job in MD for months afterward so that I could return home. The job I had landed was stressful, and, combined with the stress of mourning, my anxiety levels were sky-high.

In the fall of that year, I re-connected with an old friend from my high school class - for the sake of anonymity, let's call her Megan. She had recently returned from living abroad for nearly five years. While she was abroad, she'd adopted an orphaned infant - we'll call him John. John, now five, and Megan were living with her parents in our old hometown in Maryland while she figured out what her next move was. While I was home for Thanksgiving, Megan and I got together for drinks. We had a good time, and so when she came to Boston a month later to visit a friend, we made plans to hang out again. This time, it was she and John, whom I hadn't spent much time with before. He was hyperactive, loud, whiny, constantly interrupting - in other words, he was behaving like a typical 5-year-old who's not used to competing for his mom's attention. Not having had a ton of experience with young 'uns, I took it in stride as best I could.

Megan then came to visit me for New Year's. She stayed for 3 or 4 days, and we had a great time. After that, a pattern was established - Megan would come to visit me once every 3 or 4 weeks, and stay for a few days to a week each time, leaving John at home with her parents. We enjoyed each other's company, and the fact that I'd known her growing up helped me feel more grounded and connected to home in the wake of my grandfather's passing. This setup worked for a while, but I began to have my doubts - she began to talk about moving to Boston. I knew this would mean that I would be spending a lot more time with John, which I wasn't sure I was ready for or even wanted. I let her know that I had doubts about her moving to Boston, that I didn't want to take on the responsibilities of fatherhood, that I didn't want to be spending all my free time doing 'family-friendly' activities. One of the primary reasons I moved here was to indulge in the cultural opportunities of living in a big city - concerts, dining out, art museums, etc. I didn't want to have to compromise my weekends for the sake of a kid. I told her that I was worried that, if it didn't work out, she would have moved 700 miles away from home for nothing.

Megan assured me that she understood my point of view, that she wasn't trying to pressure me into taking on fatherhood, and she convinced me to 'give it a shot.' She assured me that, if it didn't work out, she was a 'big girl' and could handle it. I acquiesced, but remained doubtful.

Megan and John moved up here in January. Since then, things have not improved on the John front. I find him intensely annoying. Every weekend, it ends up being the three of us hanging out, usually doing something outside (Megan and I love to hike). I spend most of the time feeling frustrated and angry. I do my best not to raise my voice with John, but he is VERY trying - constantly challenging everything Megan and I say, asking the same questions over and over (and OVER), constantly calling attention to himself. Every moment needs to be about him. Megan tries to keep the peace, but most of the time I end up disengaging - I avoid engaging John when I'm out with them or at their apartment. I know it's ty and juvenile, but I can't help it - at first, I tried to engage him, but his behavior frustrates me so much that I find myself ignoring him. Very often I feel the need to get away from the situation, but if I want to do something by myself after work or on the weekends, I feel super guilty about it.

The worst part of the situation is that I come from a broken home myself. My mom's been married four times (almost five - we lived with a guy she was engaged to for two years), and my dad wasn't around when I was young. I've seen my share of neglectful behavior from male role models, and it makes me feel awful that I'm exposing to John to some of that myself. I've tried to cultivate patience, to establish some sort of rapport between John and me, but it's not working. I find myself feeling incredibly resentful toward him, and I can't shake it.

I've been mulling over ending this relationship for months now, but the longer we're together, the more difficult it becomes. Megan has become close with my brother and sister-in-law, who also live up here, and I fear that if I ended things, it'd negatively impact my relationship with them. I think she has a pretty good idea of how I feel, but she puts on blinders and tries to put a positive spin on everything. Whenever I envision ending things, I'm filled with anxiety - her heart will be broken, and, though she has many friends who live all over the world, she doesn't really know many people in Boston (she 'un-schools' John and works from home, and so hasn't had much opportunity to form a solid social base). Almost all of the people she knows up here were my friends first. I feel like, without me, she'd be almost completely isolated up here. It devastates me just to think about it. I still love her, but I feel trapped and full of resentment and guilt.

Also, I know this is selfish and petty, but I'm afraid of the reaction this will garner among people both of us know (we have a lot of friends in common). I fear that I'll be seen as a noncommittal who lured a single mom all the way to Massachusetts, only to break her heart. I don't know how I'll handle the negativity that'll flow my way as a result of my ending things.

I haven't discussed this with anyone, and so I haven't been able to get any outside perspective on it. I'd welcome any and all feedback. Thanks in advance for taking the time!

You seriously have to put your happiness above everything else and not worry about what your brother or mutual friends will think. First of all, do you really think anyone wants you to sacrifice your happiness for someone else? I would really hope your family and friends would want to see you happy above all else.

You didn't lure her --- she bulldozed you.

Your brother isn't gonna give a rats butt if you break up with your gf.

It has been 7 months ---- she clearly has money from mommy and daddy or she wouldn't have been able to adopt....and she left MD at the drop of a hat.

Her life, her choice.

Put on your big boy pants and tell her you don't see this working out.

It seems like she invited herself so you shouldn't feel guilty she moved. She knew what she was getting into.

I might have missed but you don't seem to say much about how you feel about Megan more that you don't like the impact John has had. John aside would you still want to break up?

John aside? John is her child.

It's irrelevant how you or "Megan" feel. "John" deserves better. Let them go.

Have you talked to her about how John makes you feel? You're obviously not ready for this kind of relationship, but at least let her know that.

I only ask about Megan because kids grow up fast and sometimes they play up badly because they are afraid or resentful of competing for attention.

If you love Megan and she loves you then you should be able to talk about John and how he is making you feel.

I only ask about Megan because kids grow up fast and sometimes they play up badly because they are afraid or resentful of competing for attention.

 

If you love Megan and she loves you then you should be able to talk about John and how he is making you feel.

I do love her, though I can feel my physical attraction for her waning, which I suspect that has to something to do with me subconsciously trying to distance myself from her. She knows how I feel about John, though neither of us brings it up often. It's usually the elephant in the room.

She knows how I feel about John, though neither of us brings it up often. It's usually the elephant in the room.

That's your problem right there. You need to address things in relationships - little something that I've learned since my breakup.

Deep down, I know that it has to end at some point, but I'm terrified of pulling the trigger. The thought of hurting her is unbearable (yes, I'm aware of the irony implicit there - I'm already hurting her by ignoring a big problem in our relationship, and by the way I behave with John).

Everyone in life goes through break ups. It is a fact of life/love.

Just do it.

Besides, the longer you drag this out, the more attached she becomes, and the harder it is. So you are only causing MORE pain by prolonging the inevitible.

Not bringing things up and letting them fester is a big part of why my relationship is failing/failed. The longer things are left the worse they become.

If you love her find a way to talk to her constructively and without laying blame. If you don't love her then you need to let her go. Anything else and your storing up misery for you both.