What is going on?

Hello all

Quick back story, was with a guy for just under 18 months, haven't seen each other for seven since he dumped me, semi frequent contact via text/calls.

To get down to it, it was a very messy break-up and he sometimes likes to bring up things I said during it, whenever I've done it to him to defend myself he accuses me of living in the past, starting fights, being crazy etc. Putting words in my mouth by claiming I said/say and do/did things that never happened.

Whenever he does that I just simply stop responding and let him ramble on, deleting each message as it comes. Then when he realises that I'm not replying he starts all over again. He's asked to meet, which was something I originally asked for 7 months ago so I could get answers but he said no, now it's the reverse, he wants to and I don't.

When he's cooled down after his mini rants at me he usually ends with telling me he'll check on me from time to time because whether I like it or not he does care and wants to make sure I'm ok

We have a child together, he doesn't want to be involved but does frequently ask about her and I send pictures sometimes, which I would like to continue but if we keep going around in circles I have no problem stopping either of those.

Hi Caz01, sounds like this guy doesn't know how to go about explaining his feelings for you. Sounds like maybe he has more feelings for you then he's making out to have and him dumping you was either a mistake or to protect his emotional wellbeing. If you notice from what you said, he gets angry and will cause arguments with you - one example of him trying to communicate with you, possibly relay his emotions to you and then he will calm down and almost expect things to be back to normal - another example of him trying to comfort you with issues he has going on either with your relationship or what's going on in his head even. Maybe he is a little controlling too where he wants you to listen to him like everything he says is of vast importance. And maybe, and this is just a maybe, maybe he isn't over you and this is his attempt at keeping you there because he is afraid to let you go.

Or maybe, he just doesn't care and wants to seem like he is in control and that he makes all the decisions. And that he doesn't want to be involved with the child yet he had sex with you and helped create the offspring that is now his son/daughter yet he thinks that's acceptable to just receive pictures from time to time? How does that make sense? If he doesn't want to be involved then why does he want pictures? Because clearly the inner workings of a man that has a child but doesn't want the child, doesn't want the child, end of. Not "Oh well I don't want the child but send me pictures". I think he has issues far beyond what he accuses you of having. He seems to be gone one minute and back the next, like he's some super influential figure in your life when the truth is, you have a child now and this 'man' doesn't want to claim responsibility yet still wants to 'check up on you'? I think this guy has either got his priorities inside out, or his mind has gone or both.

My best advice would be to talk to him, make him see YOU have control. And that he chose not to be involved with the child and so, that's it, the end. You are not together anymore, after all he chose to dump you not the other way around and so he laid his bed and now he sleeps in it, none of this pseudo macho behaviour where he feels he has the right to come waltzing in and out of your life when he pleases, calls you crazy and argues with you and then disappears. Tell this man to leave you alone and start a claim for child maintenance, he is obliged by law to pay you child support/maintenance and you can lawfully and rightfully take him to court and make him pay for bringing a child into this world and not expecting to be responsible. So, draw the line here. Tell him you don't want any of his crap he brings anymore, if it means changing your number, blocking him on Facebook and other networks then so be it, the quicker you can get this man out of your life the more better your life will be for you and your son/daughter.

It all seems so transparent. Wants to play you like a book, one minute he's angry at you and asserting his control and the next he's asking to meet up?

Don't surcomb to this man, without sounding offensive, he sounds like a dead beat. What man wants to bring a child into this world and not be a father? And yet he still seems to pester you like he can't get over the fact that you are now gone, well you take control and show him that you have gone and do that by doing exactly that and be done with him, otherwise, you'll just go through this vicious cycle until you start to feel like it's affecting you emotionally and mentally if not already doing that to you.

Hope I helped

He reminds me of my ex, 20 yrs. ago.

Controlling narcasist. Pathetic behaviour. Don't play his mind games. YOu're correct do NOT reply & continue with that.

Only reason to bother dealing with him would be re: his daughter.

If not? Move on.

Thank you for replying a lot of it makes so much sense!

Regarding child support, I did file earlier in the year, he decided he was going to reduce his hours so I got less, with the overall goal being to quit work and live of his savings for a while, so I got nothing for her. He then decided to accuse me of stealing his money.

He ridiculously confusing, he's always wanting to know what the little one is up to, I tend to keep it vague because hey, if he was that interested he'd see her. We arranged to have a coffee but I cancelled realising I didn't want or need it any more, he keeps wanting to arrange it again, even offering to pay for train fair.

I've never had him on FB thankfully and I don't use Twitter so no snooping on either end. He did find out via a friend of mine that I met a guy for coffee which resulted in a lot of inappropriate questions a few days later. He apparently doesn't trust me at all for reasons I don't know but insists that he wants to be friends anyway.

Maybe it's because I'm no longer a snivelling mess and his nasty side doesn't get to me any more and he doesn't like it. Every time he gets nasty he always says how upset/hurt/angry I am when I'm really not.

He's trying to control you and manipulate you. And he seems like he doesn't have the willpower to really get out of your life because as much as it's a disgusting cowardly way of doing things when you have a child to support and be a father too, if he really really doesn't want to be involved then why does he want to still be friends? He's clearly hung up about you or has issuing getting over the past and that's why he probably gets so angry because he wants you to not be over him and he wants you to feel the same as he does no doubt.

And so, like I said. If he doesn't want to be involved, it's time to say goodbye. And saying he doesn't want to work and instead, live off his savings? Is this guy a millionaire? Has he got investments in big corporations? Don't get me wrong, it's entirely possible for someone to live off savings but in this day and age, the chances of him having enough to live off based on the median average of what people earn these days and the fact that a working man never gives up work until he retires even if he is on good money just rings alarm bells for me. I'll put this into perspective, I'm from the UK and my parents used to earn combined, not by themselves but combined as two salaries going into the 'family pot' around £80,000-85,000 a year, my father on the most money being an aerospace plant inspector and my mother being a training area manager for a national clothing brand. That's $130,000 a year in USD. And guess what? Those guys NEVER EVER gave up work to live off their 'savings'. Not once. Sure, they would take holidays but they didn't leave work, they kept at it, because the truth is, usually the more money coming into a household the more money goes out, ie bills, mortgage payments, shopping, family support, petrol/gas, car ownership costs, arrears etc. And surprise surprise, even my parents who were and still are middle-class... couldn't afford to quit working or take a break and live off their savings! If he wanted to support the child then he would be working or he would be paying with his savings! But is he? No! Because it's all probably a big fat lie to keep you under an illusion, another way for him to control you. Because I seriously doubt that he's earned enough money to quit working and if he has then why is he acting like such a dead-beat and not being a father but still wanting to keep in contact with you?

It just rings alarm bells for me Caz01. Maybe you don't see it because deep down, you've got used to his crap and it's just normal for you now. But allowing others to look inside from outside the box gives a better perspective and read the replies you've got and have got to come ahead of mine and anyone else's, he's controlling and he's manipulative, and he's not doubt a liar and unstable. Haven't you thought that maybe he got lucky with you and that beforehand he hasn't had many if any successful relationships and you were the ONLY one who stayed around? Perhaps he has emotional baggage and issues far beyond what you know and really now you aren't with this guy, it's not your problem.

You are lowering yourself to his level by supporting his act here, by allowing him to come walking in and out of your life. It's one big way of controlling you. Letting him know he's in charge and it's about time you take the biggest decision of present times and get rid of this man. He doesn't want the child? Fine. He wants to control you? Tough. Tell him to seek help because the more I try and relate to you and try and work out reasons as to why this is why it is, the more I verge on him having some serious issues and if he gets sorted then he'll come out of this a better person, meanwhile, the damage has been done and unless he can change in the future and I'm talking years, then just enjoy seeing your child grow up, do what makes you happy, spend time with your friends and family, get a few hobbies, maybe even start dating again.

Just don't lower yourself to this level.

He's not rich, he owns his own business which is in trouble. He's taken to telling me far more about what's going on his life than he ever did when we were together.

I called him out on his behaviour a couple of days ago and he told me he doesn't need this s*** from me at the moment, then told me he was changing his number and sent me the new one, which I haven't saved. Haven't heard from him since and surprisingly I don't expect to either.

I blocked him, his old number anyway, if I get anything from his new one I'll block that too!

He's not rich, he owns his own business which is in trouble. He's taken to telling me far more about what's going on his life than he ever did when we were together.

 

I called him out on his behaviour a couple of days ago and he told me he doesn't need this s*** from me at the moment, then told me he was changing his number and sent me the new one, which I haven't saved. Haven't heard from him since and surprisingly I don't expect to either.

He doesn't need this sh*t but he'll gladly have sex with a woman, get her pregnant and then tell her he doesn't want the kid but he wants to maintain control over her so whenever he chooses to come back, he just comes back, and when he wants to obsess and emotionally abuse you and cling to you because deep inside he's lonely and an emotional wreck he just takes it all out on you, like it's your fault?

Yeah, sure. Sounds like a great guy to me. It actually frustrates me, because if you could see this from my point of view, and this is why this forum exists, so you can get insight from someone who's not attached or part of your life and situation to look in and try and help, you'd see what he is doing.

He has issues. Don't believe his crap, continue seeking child support and take it as far as you can, don't give in to his stories, you are entitled to this money, don't be so easily pushed about. And now he's changed his number, perhaps you could do the same so he will have a big surprise when he types your old digits in and it doesn't connect to you. And, if you are on contract/pay monthly with your phone, you can seamlessly change your number and transfer all your contacts and your call plan too. If you are just on pay as you go, it's a little harder but I think you can do the same if you go in store and they use a SIM copier that obviously, copies data from one SIM onto the new one. It's worth doing that too.