Pondering on ending a long term relationship

Hi everyone,

I've been lurking in these forums for a while, and just now I got the courage to create an account and open my own thread.

I've been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend for 10 years (I'm 36, he's 33), living together for 8 in a rented apartment. Things have been kind of fine, but while years were passing, I've got more and more the idea that we were more kind of roommates with the additional benefit of sex (friends with benefits, maybe?).

Some background: 5 years into the relationship, being sexually bored, we mutually agreed to open the relationship, meaning that we would be seeing other people, but only together as a couple. This was on a purely physical level, and he was the one who proposed to do that (I was a bit reluctant at that time, but it was fine after a while, we had fun and all). Last year, when feeling that things were a bit off for me (I felt like I was falling out of love, and sex life with him became boring again, despite the open couple thing) I proposed to open the relationship even further, allowing each other to see other people separately (this time he was the reluctant one). This also worked fine, and there was no emotional involvement for either of us with anyone else so far, and we were both having fun every once in a while.

Still, I believe I was grasping at straws with my proposal. A few months ago I started trying to analyze what I feel. I came to the conclusion that if 2 people love each other, one shouldn't be wanting to have sex with other people just for the heck of it. Also, I felt that I wasn't jealous at all at the idea of him having fun with other people. Furthermore, if hypothetically he had asked me to stop the open relationship agreement, I would have been extremely dissatisfied. Something was off. What I think is that I haven't been loving him (in the sense of how 2 people in a relationship should love each other) for about a year. I also think I'm only staying together with him because of the routine, the comfort, the apartment we have in common, and because we really do get along fine - just as I get along fine with my friends.

This seems to be very unbalanced: he is madly in love with me. He's very affectionate and seeks my closeness all the time. I reciprocate, but often I find myself thinking that I'm only doing it in order not to upset him. I don't find sex with him exciting anymore - and believe me, I've tried consciously making an effort, but I can't fake something that I don't like. Of course he can feel my hesitation, and sometimes makes surprises to try and spice things up - but if I'm not flat out rejecting his attempt, I will respond with a reaction that is not as excited as he'd expect.

Everything considered, I think the time may have come to end this relationship. He's a wonderful guy (yes, we fight, but who doesn't?), he's reliable, we do fun things together and we share common interests, but the key element distinguishing a friendship from a relationship is missing from my side: love. I have spent hours online to look for "falling out of love" threads, and while it's true that some do have the opinion that you should do anything possible to make such a long lasting relationship survive, I also think that I should be thinking about what I want, as well as give him the possibility to meet someone new who really loves him. I feel I'm deceiving him and being unfair to him, which he doesn't deserve.

What would you do in my position? A break up will be devastating for both of us. I have no idea how he would react, but he's very emotional on these things, and I'm afraid he will lash out (as in, first shout at me, then cry, then get out of the apartment slamming the door and go for a walk). Also, as he's very attached to me and bases everything he does on me (we practically have all friends in common, and we hardly ever do things separately - which is one of the things I hate about the relationship), I'm afraid he will be quite lost and could fall into some kind of depression. Although I guess that's unavoidable, and I shouldn't stay out of guilt.

And what about the apartment? We rented it together, and the lease isn't up for another year. I have no problem moving out and going to a friend, while continuing to pay half of the rent at the old place. What worries me more is all the stuff. We really have many things we got together. As I'm "the bad guy" here, I have no problem letting him have priority on choosing what to keep (we got must stuff from a common checking account)... but the problem is that I can't really pack up everything else and move it out. I won't be getting my own apartment anytime soon (I will be sharing one, as mentioned), so there would be no place to put all the stuff. At the same time, if I leave my stuff back, it would probably be hurtful for him, as well as making No Contact harder for him, in case he wants to do that.

Any suggestions are welcome, especially if you have gone through a similar experience. Thanks!

(Yes, this is a same-sex relationship, but I thought it was more appropriate to post it here, as gay break ups are no different from straight break ups - but feel free to move it in case I'm violating any rules)

Hi, Welcome to ENA. Sorry you are going through such a hard time. People staying in relationships for complacency's sake, because they don't want to hurt the other person or because they don't want to be the "bad guy" are actually all very common.

But I can also tell you that staying for any of those reasons is not healthy and will only result in you being miserable. A lot of people like to use the phrase "selfish" when talking about leaving a relationship, especially long term ones, but it is NOT selfish to be concerned with your own happiness and well-being. You never HAVE to stay in a relationship. Relationship means two, not one. If it's not working for both people, then it's not really a relationship anymore.

If you aren't in love anymore, aren't happy anymore, and just feel badly all the time- I don't think lying to the other person by staying and "pretending" you are happy for their sake actually does them any favors. Time to be honest. He is an adult, and how he deals with it is up to him. Don't sacrifice your happiness for his. I did that for years, and it still ended badly, except that I wasted years of my life that I could have been happy. Besides, any "happiness" he is feeling is just a façade if you aren't really "in the relationship" anymore.

Things are just things. I know it's difficult to go through (believe me, I know from my divorce) but if the end result is you being happier in the long run, then it is worth it. Please trust me on that.

I know every relationship is different, and some people can separate feelings from jealousy from what their partner does- A lot of people cannot.

IMVHO, if you reach a point where you don't really "care anymore" that speaks a lot to the importance of your partner in your life.

Ending a long relationship is always hard, even when you know it's the right thing. Because you have devoted a significant chunk of your life to that person, it can feel like part of you is dying and a chapter of your life is closing. Transitions are hard. But life is just a series of transitions, most of which are not easy. I knew my divorce was the right thing to do, but it was very hard. For both of us. But we are both happier now. I was in your shoes, I pulled the plug. There is sometimes a certain amount of guilt that comes with that. But again, the right thing isn't usually the easy thing. The easy thing is to stay together out of fear and complacency. Neither one of you will really be happy or fulfilled in staying together out of "habit".

My advice is to speak to him very calmly and explain your feelings. He will react, and that part is unpleasant. But it has to be done. There's no way around that. Think about what you want to say, make your plans about where to stay and how to divide things. It will be tough, but you can do it.

And if you need further advice, post again. We are here for you.

Good luck.

Well....let me ask you something....define exciting? I mean what would have to happen for you to feel sexual excitement? Sounds like you've done it all and yet you still feel flat? What makes you think you won't start to feel that way as soon as new factor wears off the next guy? What I'm getting at is maybe dig around and figure out what is at the core of your boredom before "divorcing". After 8 years of a shared life, including joint accounts, that's pretty much what that is, even if you don't actually have to go through court and judges as such. So, I don't know. I guess what I'm saying is think long and hard before walking away. One thing that caught my eye is it sounds like you two are constantly together - home, socially, he is always in your space. So maybe you need a vacation and a resetting of boundaries? I mean I don't care how much you love someone, some people just start to feel suffocated with that kind of constant togetherness and it does kill the spark. For most relationships, space is necessary and it is what breathes life and excitement into the relationship. You have to both have a chance to miss each other and have some personal time apart.

Thank you redswim30 for your insight. That is enlightening and gives me some confidence. I really appreciate that and I will definitely keep your advice in mind!

define exciting? I mean what would have to happen for you to feel sexual excitement? Sounds like you've done it all and yet you still feel flat? What makes you think you won't start to feel that way as soon as new factor wears off the next guy?

Of course you can never know if it will be that way with the next guy as well. What makes me doubt is that I wasn't 100% sexually attracted to my current boyfriend even in the beginning. He was my first, and I guess I fell for him because he was the first guy I liked and who liked me back.

Of course I started making comparisons. Some of the guys I happened to meet at random dates were sexually much more compatible and exciting to me than what my boyfriend was even on day 1. Of course, a part of the excitement comes from the transgression, no doubt about that, but that only justifies this difference up to a certain point.

I guess what I'm saying is think long and hard before walking away. One thing that caught my eye is it sounds like you two are constantly together - home, socially, he is always in your space. So maybe you need a vacation and a resetting of boundaries? I mean I don't care how much you love someone, some people just start to feel suffocated with that kind of constant togetherness and it does kill the spark. For most relationships, space is necessary and it is what breathes life and excitement into the relationship. You have to both have a chance to miss each other and have some personal time apart.

I am thinking long and hard before walking away. It's been several months already (IIRC since about December 2013) since I've started having these thoughts and they're constantly in my head.

You're right, some relationships need space. One of my big mistakes was to give in to his need of being always together. I regretted that all the time. I definitely need more space and I feel suffocated. The problem is that he really needs this togetherness: after all these years, I know him, and a relationship with him with all that space wouldn't be acceptable to him. I won't even go there: it would create an additional unnecessary crisis only talking about it. But yes, in a future relationship, defining boundaries will be one of my top priorities.

Thank you redswim30 for your insight. That is enlightening and gives me some confidence. I really appreciate that and I will definitely keep your advice in mind!

I am thinking long and hard before walking away. It's been several months already (IIRC since about December 2013) since I've started having these thoughts and they're constantly in my head.

 

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First, you are welcome

 

OP, I understand the reluctance to walk way. Heck, it took me YEARS to do it. However, take it from someone who knows. If you are deeply unhappy and know it, doing things to "light the spark" or whatever you want to call it, is just a temporary band aid. You might feel better in the short term, but ultimately it won't change your true feelings, just delay the fallout. If this was just a one time argument or the unhappiness has only spanned a short time, I might be urging you to work it out. But I'm not so sure in your case.

 

Just my opinion, but I tend to disagree with people that say "Everything can be saved." " You should always stay in a long relationship", " If it was great once, it can be great again". Not always.

 

I also think phrases such as, " The same thing will happen in your next relationship, etc etc." is often just a way we (or others) talk us into staying in a relationship we ultimately know isn't right for us or guilt us into it by saying in essence, " You might as well stay because nothing better is out there. You will only fall into the same pattern with every relationship you are in" That is not always true. I heard the same things when I left my marriage. My relationship now is NOTHING like my old marriage, it doesn't fall into any of those patterns, and I DID find something better. Sometimes we can leave things that aren't working (even if we wish they were) and find a partner that is better for us, more compatible with us and most importantly, one we can be happy with.

 

Just some food for thought. All the best to you

OP, I understand the reluctance to walk way. Heck, it took me YEARS to do it.

Yes, from reading around, I understand that it can indeed take years. And I don't want to drag it out endlessly... I've been thinking about it for months over and over already. Feeling that kind of lump in the throat for so long isn't healthy.

I also think phrases such as, " The same thing will happen in your next relationship, etc etc." is often just a way we (or others) talk us into staying in a relationship we ultimately know isn't right for us or guilt us into it by saying in essence, " You might as well stay because nothing better is out there. You will only fall into the same pattern with every relationship you are in" That is not always true.

I agree. Our minds do all kinds of possible things to salvage a relationship, I think it's human. The hard part is to distinguish the sensible thoughts, from the ones coming out of guilt and complacency.

Unfortunately, I feel the spark is gone, and I can't see it lighting up anytime soon. So I guess I have the hard part in front of me... growing a pair and be able to do what needs to be done, in the most careful and gentle way. I'm afraid this will take me some more time to plan and everything...

Just some food for thought. All the best to you

Thank you again, it's really appreciated.

Unfortunately, it does seem like the relationship has run its course. Physical attraction is just as necessary as everything else and if it was never quite there from the very beginning....your lack of satisfaction makes sense and I'm afraid there is not much you can do about that.

About the only advice I can offer is just be really firm and clear that it's really over. Don't leave him hanging and hoping that you'll change your mind and come back. It will be rough for awhile in terms of shared friends and ultimately the friends will splinter in terms of some staying with you and others going with him. That's just how it goes when couples split. Also, please don't guilt yourself or make yourself out to be some horrible person for ending things. You are not bad and it's not wrong. Be fair to yourself and to him in terms of how you separate out your stuff and don't let him mow you down just because you feel bad for breaking up with him. Yes, breaking up is hard, but try to keep as level head as you can and be as civil as possible without going overboard where he thinks you'll be back in the relationship.

So yesterday I broke the news to my boyfriend. I have thinking about this for months and I thought it was the right thing to do.

Now we are both devastated. You can think about this as much as you want, but nothing can prepare you to the feelings that overwhelm you after you actually do it. I didn't think the dumper can feel that bad.

I find myself crying randomly, I can't sleep... the usual things that happen in these cases, I assume. What bothers me more is that I'm overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and remorse. The idea of having hurt him so much kills me, and I'm even questioning my motives. I was asking myself "hey, maybe I did love him after all if I'm hurting so much and if I'm missing him already?". By reading sites here and there (I'm obsessing, I know, I shouldn't!) I find that this is normal, that people tend to idealize the more romantic parts of a relationship when it's over, and that sometimes they end back together because they don't remember why they broke up in the first place.

Help! How do I cope with this? It's only been a day, I know I will need time ... but this is awful.