My boyfriend is really stressed out. Could that be affecting our relationship??

My boyfriend is really stressed out with school right now, plus he works. Lately he said he's been having something issues with our relationship. He said that he's being more distant(which I've noticed), and he's confused about everything because how he feels recently. He has said that he feels like our relationship is adding to the stress, and that sometimes he doesn't wanna talk for a day at a time(We talk everyday). And sometimes when we're together, he'd rather play a computer or do something else. I told him that he needs to tell me this stuff because I want to compromise so that we can both be happy.

He also said that sometimes when he does things for me, he is resentful towards me, rather than being happy that it makes me happy. He said that I put some a lot of effort into the relationship and I don't deserve the way he is acting towards me(distant).

Anyway, he mentioned several times that he is really stressed out, so I really try to give him a lot of space. We talk everyday, but we only hang out a couple times a week, for a few hours at a time. So, I am willing to try to help his stress somehow, if I can, but I was wondering: Can overwhelming stress cause these types of problems in a relationship?? Could he be having these confusing thoughts about us, because he's under so much stress?? Spring break is coming up, so I was going to see how he feels when he's not under so much stress.

Okay, well anything will help. Thanks!

Sounds like hes pulling away and pretty much hinting he doesnt like or want to be with you anymore.

He's told you how he's feeling and why. It could be stress, it could be changing feelings.

Stress causes all kinds of issues in relationships. It can be outside stress as well. It happens in all relationships. It does not mean the person does not love you or does not want to spend time with you. It means they have a lot going on in their life. It can make people crabby and distant. Not many men love to have a good yammer about what their troubles are and resent talking about it. It does not mean they resent you.

Yes, stress can feel like one giant suffocation. It's not something anyone can 'talk' someone out of. I'd back off and focus on other aspects of my life, and I'd let him reach a place where he feels desire to see more of you again. If that takes too long and begins to feel as though you're putting your own life on hold for him, then I'd let him know I need to walk away while I still think well of him, and if he's ever in the frame of mind to resume the kind of relationship we once had, he can let me know--if I'm still available, we'll meet to catch up.

The one thing I'd avoid is confrontation about how he opts to spend his time. That buys you nothing, because it doesn't change his basic desire to take a load off without being accountable to anyone for that. If there was some payoff for it, I'd endorse the big 'talks' everyone seems to recommend around here--but it seems to be a well kept secret how many wonders occur and problems straighten out when we do nothing but leave someone alone.

In your corner.

Alright, so I plan on backing off, but I'm not entirely sure what that entails. Should I stop calling, texting, etc., and just wait for him to contact me when he wants to? Should I stop making plans with him, and just let him make the plans?? Should I just pretty much stay away from him, even if he does want to hang out??

Alright, so I plan on backing off, but I'm not entirely sure what that entails. Should I stop calling, texting, etc., and just wait for him to contact me when he wants to? Should I stop making plans with him, and just let him make the plans?? Should I just pretty much stay away from him, even if he does want to hang out??

I'd do all of the above except turn him down if he wants to hang out. In fact, I'd reward him for that; bring a favorite food, nice back rub or foot rub, great sex--whatever I feel like giving him at the time. On the flip side, if his definition of hanging out turns into ignoring me for computer games, I'd say, "I'm glad you're able to relax with your games. I've got some things I'd like to do, so give me a buzz when you're up for it. Bye, babe.." Kiss-kiss, and I'd be outta there.

Point is, ignore him unless he offers you something. If the something turns into nothing, walk away and go back to ignoring. He'll either stop taking you for granted, or you'll start to 'see' what's really in this for you. Either way, you're done doing all the work to drag a dead horse--the thing either lives because he steps up to keep your relationship alive, or it dies because he's dropped it anyway, only you've let it become apparent because you've liberated yourself from pulling all the weight.

Either way, all you need to do is pay attention.

This sounds like it will be really effective, so I am definitely going to implement it. I really do feel taken for granted and I hope that he sees our relationship as important enough to begin to put in the effort, but if not...then I'll at least know that I shouldn't keep trying so hard for nothing.

This sounds like it will be really effective, so I am definitely going to implement it. I really do feel taken for granted and I hope that he sees our relationship as important enough to begin to put in the effort, but if not...then I'll at least know that I shouldn't keep trying so hard for nothing.

The more someone means to you, the longer you do this before making any snap judgments about anything that happens along the way. If he's in the 'habit' of neglecting you, then he's not going to change that on a dime. But having the courage to avoid covering for him and allowing him to expose his own priorities serves two purposes: it lets him learn where he stands in the relationship on its own merits--without the typical naggy fighting and power struggles that come when one tries to 'force' another into good relationship behavior. (That never works, btw.) Second, it lets you relax and become more absorbed and dedicated to your OWN life, so your world stops revolving around BF and your confidence in your own independence (should you opt to go that route) builds even if BF fails to step up to stop disappointing you.

With the 'hands off' approach, one or both of you will either appreciate one another more, or you'll gain clarity about whether continuing the relationship is in your best interests. THAT is valuable information to have, and you can't get it when you try to control outcomes.