Questions for the love- shy men and women

1) When you are feeling shy, anxious, nervous etc. and you can't make eye contact or even be around the person you are really attracted to do you want them to approach you or talk to you?

Do you wish they'd initiate, make a move, ask you out, etc? Even when you are at your most anxious and scared..and possibly avoident?

Or is best they leave you alone and give you space due to the anxiety and fear being so overwhelming?

2) How are you with phone calls, texts, emails, etc.?

If a woman or man you really liked alot gave an email address or number to you..could you make a move then (not face to face) but say with a phone call? If not why?

3) If you were trying to get yourself ''psyched'' to ask her/him out on a date..say on a Friday before the weekend, would you be overly nervous or anxious..excited even thinking about doing that OR would you be more withdrawn, avoident, frightened due to fear of possible rejection, etc.?

4) How difficult is it to tell a person you are attracted to (and want to date) how you truly feel about them on a scale of 1-10? Would it be embarrassing to let them know..to SHOW them how you felt? Could you show them?

Would you care what others thought or feel it would be inappropriate (in your mind) to share such feelings...if so, why???

Thanks

Oh god. When someone I'm attracted to is in the room, I will literally sit at the other side of the room. Lol it sounds rude but it's true. I can't even.. stomach being sitting around them. It just makes me panic with anxiety. I don't even know where this came from but it happens. Just the other day, one guy I've had a crush on was sitting down studying, Even thoug the tables were empty, what did I do? I basically ran away to the other side of the room. Actualy I went and studied in a room because I knew he would come walking by me. So yes I would wish they would initiate things... I'd say yes lol...

2) it's much easier for me to communicate over phone, text email etc.

3) I psyche myself out.. but when it happens I freak out.. I back out and just play over and over again 'Nah he won't say yes. he doesn't like me at all. what am I doing?' even if he's showing MAJOR signs lol

4) I could show them.. if they initiated first... that's the problem most of them are shy/quiet guys so... yeah. lol i'd be embarassed... I only told a guy once how attractive I found him and he blushed but it was still scary. I wanted to die.

Communicating through e-mail or instant messaging is definitely easier at first while you are getting to know someone. Then it can progress to phone and hanging out in person when you feel more comfortable. Its hard at first but once you break through the shells it is really nice.

1) When you are feeling shy, anxious, nervous etc. and you can't make eye contact or even be around the person you are really attracted to do you want them to approach you or talk to you? It would definitely be a hell of a lot easier. Because if I approach, I do it a friendly way...and I'm afraid that I come off like a big puppy dog. Girls like puppy dogs, but they don't want to date one. I simply do not come off as a sexual person.

Do you wish they'd initiate, make a move, ask you out, etc? Even when you are at your most anxious and scared..and possibly avoident? I wish they'd make the first SEXUAL move. I can do all the rest...it's the sexual stuff I struggle with.

Or is best they leave you alone and give you space due to the anxiety and fear being so overwhelming? No, if they leave me alone, I'll move on.

2) How are you with phone calls, texts, emails, etc.? I generally hate talking on the phone or texting. I also have anxiety over emailing, in general. I prefer talking face to face.

If a woman or man you really liked alot gave an email address or number to you..could you make a move then (not face to face) but say with a phone call? If not why? For the same reasons I just gave.

Here's an example: my sister and I are close. However, I simply cannot talk to her on the phone...and she knows it. For that reason, we always communicate through Facebook or email, or get together in person.

3) If you were trying to get yourself ''psyched'' to ask her/him out on a date..say on a Friday before the weekend, would you be overly nervous or anxious..excited even thinking about doing that OR would you be more withdrawn, avoident, frightened due to fear of possible rejection, etc.? Frightened because of possible rejection, and overly nervous at the same time.

4) How difficult is it to tell a person you are attracted to (and want to date) how you truly feel about them on a scale of 1-10? Would it be embarrassing to let them know..to SHOW them how you felt? Could you show them? It's extremely difficult, because it's rating my self worth and attractiveness against an imaginary scenerio. Nobody knows how it will turn out, not even her, so how am I supposed to deal with that?

Would you care what others thought or feel it would be inappropriate (in your mind) to share such feelings...if so, why??? I'd feel like her friends would judge me, or feel that she could do better.

1) When you are feeling shy, anxious, nervous etc. and you can't make eye contact or even be around the person you are really attracted to do you want them to approach you or talk to you?

Yes I secretly would want that.

Do you wish they'd initiate, make a move, ask you out, etc? Even when you are at your most anxious and scared..and possibly avoident?

 

Or is best they leave you alone and give you space due to the anxiety and fear being so overwhelming?

You only approach the guy at this point in time if you're cruel & you want to see how attracted he is to you.

I honestly would not want her to approach me at that time because my anxiety can get really bad.

2) How are you with phone calls, texts, emails, etc.?

 

If a woman or man you really liked alot gave an email address or number to you..could you make a move then (not face to face) but say with a phone call? If not why?

I'm really good at opening up through text & email in that I can be myself. Phone conversations are terrible for me because I can't see the person! There would be a lot of awkward silent moments....

Overall, I still wouldn't ask her out because I'd think she gave me her contact information simply as a friend.

3) If you were trying to get yourself ''psyched'' to ask her/him out on a date..say on a Friday before the weekend, would you be overly nervous or anxious..excited even thinking about doing that OR would you be more withdrawn, avoident, frightened due to fear of possible rejection, etc.?

I don't even go there.....

4) How difficult is it to tell a person you are attracted to (and want to date) how you truly feel about them on a scale of 1-10? Would it be embarrassing to let them know..to SHOW them how you felt? Could you show them?

 

Would you care what others thought or feel it would be inappropriate (in your mind) to share such feelings...if so, why???

 

Thanks

 

On a scale of 1 to 10 it would be a honest 10 for me. I can't tell her how attractive she is to me, I don't show how I feel and yes it would be embarrassing.

 

It really comes down to insecurities for me. Like I want to show her, but at the same time I'm afraid of the rejection that could come with it.

 

 

-Jake

When someone I'm attracted to is in the room, I will literally sit at the other side of the room. Lol it sounds rude but it's true. I can't even.. stomach being sitting around them. It just makes me panic with anxiety. I don't even know where this came from but it happens. Just the other day, one guy I've had a crush on was sitting down studying, Even thoug the tables were empty, what did I do? I basically ran away to the other side of the room. Actualy I went and studied in a room because I knew he would come walking by me.

I guess this is the hardest part to understand...you really like the person but just being in a room with the person is unbearable..enough to have to go to the oppositte side..or as far away as you can get without actually leaving..why?

Do you stay bcuz you want something to happen or do you become distant bcuz you don't?

When i like someone, even someone i like ALOT i want to be close to them, i want to see them, hear their voie..touch them if i could so why be frightened to be in a room with them? What could happen? What could this person do to you really?

What runs through your mind when all of this is happening?

You only approach the guy at this point in time if you're cruel & you want to see how attracted he is to you.

I honestly would not want her to approach me at that time because my anxiety can get really bad.

I'm not cruel, if anything, it breaks my heart when i see it. BUT i always thought that the anxiety came bcuz the person REALLY WANTS TO DO SOMETHING BUT CAN'T so maybe they need you too?

Hmmm.... so when it gets really bad to the point they can't even look at you or stand next to you, asking them out would be a very bad idea? I guess the really confusing part is when they still stay in the room or hang out near you when they don't need to be there AT ALL!!!!!!! So, what is the point then if they feel this way, if its this gad why put yourself through this..especially when they have the power to leave?

They can't do anything AND you shouldn't approach?!?!

So no one wins..it makes it more aggonizing

Well first off, I came there for a purpose - to study/get work done. And the person I'm attracted to/have a crush on happens to be there.. I freak out and run. It sounds silly, but yes it's unbearable even being around them even if I want nothing more then to be around them I just can't. Or else I'll lose all focus, I'll be very nervous i just start freaking out mentally. So I retreat to the other side of the room. Ignoring them completely. Unless the person makes it known by either telling me that they like me (they can give out all the signs in the world) then I will avoid/ignore them.

I do want something to happen - them approaching me - i stay for both reasons, so they get an opportunity to speak to me, and so that I can study.

Well what could happen is being rejected. And that hurts the most. For me at least. It's better to not reaally invest emotion into the person I.e letting them know your feelings and you feel if they'll reject you. That's why I'd rather wait for them to approach. I'll smile at them though.. depends on the situation. I'll try to give them subtle signs that I'm into them but I won't go up and talk to them.

You only approach the guy at this point in time if you're cruel & you want to see how attracted he is to you.

 

I honestly would not want her to approach me at that time because my anxiety can get really bad.

 

I'm not cruel, if anything, it breaks my heart when i see it. BUT i always thought that the anxiety came bcuz the person REALLY WANTS TO DO SOMETHING BUT CAN'T so maybe they need you too?

Hmmm I guess my sarcasim didn't go accross right. What I meant by "cruel" is you approach a shy person at that point because you're basically going to see their full attraction towards you (stuttering, blushing, saying "ummm" a lot, ect.)

That's "cruel" because you get to feel amazingly attractive that you have this affect on someone while at the expense of the shy person wanting to die from embarrassment lol!

And yes the anxiety (at least from me) is a strong desire to do something but all that ends up happening is I get depressed because I can't do anything.

Hmmm.... so when it gets really bad to the point they can't even look at you or stand next to you, asking them out would be a very bad idea?

Yes and no, good for you and scary for the shy person. It isn't like the shy person isn't happy afterwards!!!! They're just terrified while it's happening & you'll be lucky if he can manage to say "yes" to the date.

I guess the really confusing part is when they still stay in the room or hang out near you when they don't need to be there AT ALL!!!!!!! So, what is the point then if they feel this way, if its this gad why put yourself through this..especially when they have the power to leave?

The reason why shy people do this is a sad reason but I'll tell you the reason none the less. Shy people do this because that's as far as they can go in approaching someone..... They linger around but they can't approach & they want you to approach but that doesn't happen either.

They can't do anything AND you shouldn't approach?!?!

 

So no one wins..it makes it more aggonizing

 

No you should always approach, just realize if the person is really nervous you might not get a clear answer from them.

 

 

-Jake

1. I love to be approached as long as they are not putting me on the spot in front of other people which I have had some girls do. Even if I like her the anxiety of feeling like I’m on a sitcom is too much for me and will cause me to lock up and probably not give her the response she wants even if I want to give it to her. My biggest thing is I wish they’d be honest about liking me.

Thinking they do and picking up on the vibes is frustrating when in the end you either never get an answer or you end up hearing them say they were never really interested. Part of you just wants them to admit they find you attractive and were flirting with you if nothing else just so you can believe you are attractive and that you're not so stupid as to 'misread' all the signals all the time. It's basically confirmation that your radar isn't that screwed up but it's a confirmation women never seem to be willing to give. No matter how obvious it is that they led you on they'll either ignore you or just reject you and then blame it on you for taking things the wrong way. It’s been a long time since I was so shy I couldn’t talk to someone I liked. But I am still often too shy to approach her before being approached by her. It’s why I tend to fall for more aggressive, perky, outgoing women and rarely fall for shy distant ones. The outgoing ones are more likely to approach, initiate and to be persistent.

2. Tried it over the phone once. Didn’t go well. I suppose it’s easier than face to face. I do prefer text/email/IM to talking on the phone and especially to trying to talk face to face when flirting or whatever. I tend to over think things. I always question if a girl really likes me or even wants me to contact her. Usually she has to initiate things and then I follow. For instance if she calls me first then I will feel comfortable enough to call her the next time. But if she just gives me her number and never calls or texts me I will end up thinking she was being polite but doesn’t really want to hear from me so I probably won’t call even though I want to. It’s bad but it’s the way I am and it’s hard to break out of. If she shuts me down too many times as in I try to talk to her and she is 'busy' or doesn't respond or waits a long time to respond then I will usually stop trying to contact her unless she starts showing interest in talking to me again by initiating things again. I tend to give up quick and any little sign of her losing or not having interest will cause me to start backing off.

3. All of the above. I will be over thinking what to say. I will be nervous about saying it. I will probably start to dial her number 4 or 5 times and then hang up before actually dialing if I even end up dialing because I might just give up. I will definitely be expecting rejection no matter how many signs she has given me that she is interested because in point of fact I have been rejected numerous times by girls who showed all the positive signs of being interested, who openly pursued me and everything else. So I take nothing for granted.

I never assume she likes me no matter what. Until she makes it clear, says the words, plants the kiss or whatever, I always think she doesn’t like me. Heck even agreeing to hang out with me will not be seen by me as her liking me. I’ll still rationalize it as she is just being friendly.

4. I am always worried that I will be made to feel like a joke because I have been made to feel like one too many times to count. I am always thinking she is going to brag to everyone that I asked her out or told her I liked her or whatever and then laugh about it and I have to see these same people she is bragging to who will look at me strange from now on. If I write it in an email she’ll forward it to her (our) friends or whoever which makes me feel even more stupid and exposed on top of being essentially ignored or rejected after opening up. This is because most girls I would be in this situation with either have the same friends that I do or we work together or something.

It’s a little embarrassing but that embarrassment gets multiplied depending on how she handles it and honestly, I’ve yet to see a woman handle it in a way that allowed me to walk away with some dignity and self respect in tact. Usually I walk away feeling humiliated, ugly and rejected as well as exposed since now everyone is going to know since she will make sure of that and be talking about it for a while. In all likelihood whatever she tells them probably won’t even be the whole truth since she is likely to leave off the part about her coaxing me and acting interested so they'll think it was all me and none of it was her but in the end I don’t know if it matters since I am still rejected and exposed. So I would rate it a 10 with 10 being most difficult.

I want to show her how I feel more than anything on earth. But I know that once I do she will laugh and I will feel very stupid. She won’t like me or want to be with me no matter how much she may have been acting like she did. That’s always my mindset and that’s why I usually don’t make a move at all. It doesn’t help when the few times I have made a move or tried to open up to a girl or get her to open up to me I lived to regret it over and over and over again. You end up hurt, angry and never wanting to see her again and your self esteem and self confidence take a HUGE nose dive.

In my opinion, t3nder_v1ttl3s's post pretty much summed everything up.

Still obsessing over your shy guy,shygal2008?Why not stop worrying about whether or not he is going to do something and try something yourself? Worry about what you can control,let the Gods take care of the rest..You can directly tell him of your interest and then let the chips fall where they may.

Sorry if that was a little harsh shygal but you can only worry about what YOU can control so that would be the way I would approach the situation.He needs to know you like him in a direct way.Take the plunge,hand him a note and walk away if you have to.If you don't do anything your situation is not likely to change.

You only wish a girl would hang in there with you the way i have with him

You only wish a girl would hang in there with you the way i have with him

 

I wish a girl would show interest to begin with. Instead of having me blindly wondering if she likes me, or is just being friendly.

Thats not likey bcuz women don't have to initiate..maybe you'll get lucky and someone will get to know you or be around you alot due to work, school, etc. thats what happened in my situation which is why it is still going on.

If you let a girl get to know you through daily interaction then that familiararity and/or ''closeness'' will happen--if it wasn't for work my shyguy could never always be ''looking'' for or waiting for me, say hello, etc. it took a long time for him to ALWAYS do that--but in all reality the guy usually does the pursuing from the first moment..heavily. Thats what woman are use to and thats how MOST men seem to be and what they are willing to do to be happy.

In the end its all about what you are willing to do?

Just like in the end it’s all about what you are willing to do. If you are satisfied with sitting and waiting for whatever guy approaches then you are fine. You’re life is fine. But I see a lot of complaints from women about a particular guy they have for some reason fallen for and HE won’t do what they want him to. I have no idea if other guys are even trying with them but obviously these other guys aren’t what they want so it doesn’t matter.

I’m saying if they want this particular guy they fancy who isn’t making whatever move they want him to make then instead of just assuming he isn’t interested try assuming he is shy. Make the move yourself. You might be surprised and find out he likes you and end up getting the guy you have your eye on and really want instead of giving up without trying and settling for someone else and all it will cost you is a little time spent saying hello, flirting and getting to know him and maybe asking him on the first date or coaxing him enough so he works up the nerve to ask you.

They really want that particular guy that bad but don’t think he’s worth making the first move on? I agree that shy guys like me are probably the minority. Most guys can work up the courage to at least approach some girl. But there are relationships where the girl did the pursuing and those relationships can and do end just as happily as the ones where the guy did the pursuing. There’s nothing that says the man has to make the move and some men simply aren’t going to, maybe because they’re too shy, or maybe because some girl will make it on them first and they won’t have to. If that girl happens to be someone other than you and he finds her attractive then she will get him. If you're fine with that then no reason to change what works for you.

Most women tend to have more choices and opportunities..thats all i am saying

If an attractive girl walks into a store or mall she will be noticed right away.....or a bar or club even, she will have most of the guys looking..if not after her, they will offer to buy her a drink, chat her up, etc. so inturn she has more opportunity. I know this from my own experience and from my friends and family, most ended up dating and/or marrying these guys as well.

I do agree am older, more mature women will go for a guy who maybe is more introverted, timid, shy, etc..ask him out if he won't do it bcuz she doesn't want to waste too much time but thats usually a woman who really wants a relationship and is looking to settle down and really wants it sooner rather then later...and she will move on to another guy if something dosn't happen right away.

A younger women most likely has a lot of exposure to men..going out, socializing, etc. and usually doesn't have to do much I know this bcuz my nieces and younger cousins talk to me about this stuff all the time..all they have to do is walk through a door and smile. They are between the ages of 19-26 years old.

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This goes for men as well, some other guy will come along and get her attention, date her if you choose to do nothing...so that has to be ok with you too

That is irrelevant as far as your situation goes.You want this one particular shy guy,yet you continue to hope he will develop the courage to ask you out.Something has to change in order for that to happen.Maybe you don't have to ask him out but you certainly have to mix things up ,do something DIFFERENT to give him the confidence to do that.

I have to join the parade. You have been going on for so long about this guy, who clearly doesn't have it in him to go after what he wants... you. Given what you've told me, I think it's clear that he wants you, but something is stopping him. Why can't YOU make the move? Why do you have to keep your mindset that as the woman, you shouldn't have to approach him? Some of us just cannot read signals, even if they are the most blatant. I've told you before and I will say it again... Here is what I think you should do...

- Get yourself into a situation where you are in a room alone with him. Corner him if you have to.

- Tell him, "I like you. I want to go on a date with you and I want to try to pursue a relationship with you."

Lay it on the line for him to respond. Stop waiting for him to initiate!

As for the original questions...

1) When you are feeling shy, anxious, nervous etc. and you can't make eye contact or even be around the person you are really attracted to do you want them to approach you or talk to you?

 

Do you wish they'd initiate, make a move, ask you out, etc? Even when you are at your most anxious and scared..and possibly avoident?

 

Or is best they leave you alone and give you space due to the anxiety and fear being so overwhelming?

I don't know for sure what my reaction would be like, but yes, I wish she would make a move.

2) How are you with phone calls, texts, emails, etc.?

 

If a woman or man you really liked alot gave an email address or number to you..could you make a move then (not face to face) but say with a phone call? If not why?

I hate the phone. It's not face-to-face, but it's still live where you can't mask an awkward silence like you can via email, text or chatting online. I don't know about making a move, but I can communicate with emails, texts and online chatting.

3) If you were trying to get yourself ''psyched'' to ask her/him out on a date..say on a Friday before the weekend, would you be overly nervous or anxious..excited even thinking about doing that OR would you be more withdrawn, avoident, frightened due to fear of possible rejection, etc.?

Scared ****less of rejection.

4) How difficult is it to tell a person you are attracted to (and want to date) how you truly feel about them on a scale of 1-10? Would it be embarrassing to let them know..to SHOW them how you felt? Could you show them?

 

Would you care what others thought or feel it would be inappropriate (in your mind) to share such feelings...if so, why???

I would be embarrassed. If my feelings for her were on the low end, I'd be afraid of upsetting her, and if my feelings were on the high end of the scale, I would be let down if she liked me any less.

I do care what others think. I've never had a good social status, and having others approve of me and who I'm with is important, as desperate as that sounds.

This goes for men as well, some other guy will come along and get her attention, date her if you choose to do nothing...so that has to be ok with you too

 

Yeah, I know. I'm shy so honestly I don't really fall for girls unless they show interest in me. I haven't had a High School crush in a long time. So while I will notice a pretty girl I will not get hung up on her because she is pretty and since I figure she is either with someone already or wouldn't go for me anyway it's usually no surprise when I find out she is with someone if I even do find out.

 

The ones I start to have pangs for are the ones who approach me and initiate things. It's been that way for a while. So I am fine with losing out with a cute girl I figure I never had a chance with. But if I was fixated on a woman who wasn't approaching me then you'd be right. I'd have to take my own advice or lose out with her. Fortunately that almost never happens to me.

 

So my advice is basically to women that are stuck on some guy who isn't approaching or making a move. If you really like HIM that much then stop waiting and go for it or accept that you may lose the opportunity. Don't assume he isn't interested because he could be but is simply too shy to make the move. If you don't some other girl will and his interest will move from you to her. If you're ok with that then it's cool.

I like your idea of cornering him somewhere where it is just the OP and the shy guy.Be prepared though that the encounter might be very awkward/embarassing ,initially.He might be extremely anxious and may not even respond.......but if he is interested he will definitely come around,it might be the next day or a few days from then but if he is interested he will come around.Be patient give him as many opportunities as you can to engage you and you will have landed your shy guy.

Thanks for your help guys

So.. I can still reply to this right? =T

1) When you are feeling shy, anxious, nervous etc. and you can't make eye contact or even be around the person you are really attracted to do you want them to approach you or talk to you?

Yes I find it less nerve-racking that way (:

Do you wish they'd initiate, make a move, ask you out, etc? Even when you are at your most anxious and scared..and possibly avoident?

Yes; I think I'm a rather conventional type of person in that sense. I think my anxiety during the time would add to the thrill of it haha

Or is best they leave you alone and give you space due to the anxiety and fear being so overwhelming?

No I'd actually want them to come talk to me because I'm too scared to. Sometimes I ignore the person I'm interested; it's so stupid but I can't help it, especially if I know they're looking at me or whatever. Because of that, I find it hard to make any first move. Sigh.. yeah I know I need to grow some balls so to speak.

2) How are you with phone calls, texts, emails, etc.?

I hate phone calls and I get very anxious when someone brings it up; VERY anxious ): I'd rather a face to face conversation or through IM programs. I don't like emailing because it takes to long. Texts are ok though (:

If a woman or man you really liked alot gave an email address or number to you..could you make a move then (not face to face) but say with a phone call? If not why?

Probably not. I don't know... I'm just anxious like that. I'm not a phone or email type of person.

3) If you were trying to get yourself ''psyched'' to ask her/him out on a date..say on a Friday before the weekend, would you be overly nervous or anxious..excited even thinking about doing that OR would you be more withdrawn, avoident, frightened due to fear of possible rejection, etc.?

More the first than the latter. I'm the type to get overly anxious which, like I said earlier, adds to the thrill of things. Usually once I've made up my mind about something, I'm unlikely to withdraw from it; I'd still carry out on it in any possible anxious and awkward way or another haha I'm not really scared of rejection or getting hurt actually but I don't know, maybe because I haven't actually been in the dating scene.

4) How difficult is it to tell a person you are attracted to (and want to date) how you truly feel about them on a scale of 1-10? Would it be embarrassing to let them know..to SHOW them how you felt? Could you show them?

Yes, to me it would be very embarrassing because I'm not an affectionate person and have a hard time expressing my feelings. I'm pretty detached from emotions so for me, I'd find it hard and uncomfortable. On a scale, I'd say.. 4, maybe 5?

Would you care what others thought or feel it would be inappropriate (in your mind) to share such feelings...if so, why???

I'd try not to care or let it affect me. I'm pretty over the thought of caring for what people think.

In general though, I'm a pretty cynical person when it comes to all this love and relationship stuff so that's holding me back a lot. But it's not like I'm looking for anyone/anything right now anyway, but I must admit I do miss the thrill of liking someone. Mehh *shrugs*