Why does ex call and act jealous...when HE broke up with ME?!

Okay guys, so I posted this under my thread "Can i bring the passion back" but didn't get a lot of feedback on my question yet so I wanted to create a new thread for this one issue!

So I have been maintaining somewhat LC with my ex, who broke up with me almost 2 and a half months ago. Long story short, we were together 4 years. He was in the military and got out last year, and then we moved near my family and bought a house together. Since moving, he acted depressed, had PTSD issues, didn't really try to make friends or find a job in the area. ai I could feel him pulling away shortly after the move, but he would never really talk about it. I felt like his depression/PTSD/intimacy problems was making him pull away from me. Well, he left and moved back in with his family - 15 hours away! I think he has a real probelm with intimacy. His reason for the breakup was that he "wasn't feeling it" emotinally anymmore (not in love). However, I do know that he probably talks to me more than anyone else about "deep" things, even now. He wants to be friends and right now I am trying to do so for 2 reasons: first, because I know he is going through a hard time (PTSD/seems depressed), and second because I want to leave the door open for reconciliation in the future.

I never call or text him, and I don’t always answer when he calls or texts me (I’ve been busy the last few weeks). For the last 3 weeks, he has been calling me at least once a week, talking for at least an hour, and also sending me several texts each week. As I am typing this, I just got one!

Well earlier I let it slip that I had been out with a guy a few times (the other guy knows I’m not looking for anything serious right now). Looking back, maybe that wasn’t the right thing to do telling my ex, but the thing is HE is the one who wanted to “be friends” so I had just casually mentioned it when he asked what I was doing. Also, I want him to know that I’m not still pining for him – I miss him, but I’m going to live my life.

So why does he act so jealous about this ?He sent me a text asking what I was doing. I told him I was going out, and he made a smart comment, asking me if i was going out with the new guy and asking if I had sex with him. Frankly, that’s none of his business. I told him no I hadn’t had sex. Then he sent me a text “whatever, make sure you take some condoms with you”! That is completely inappropriate in my opinion. Why would he act this way, HE is the one who broke up with ME? It’s been over 2 months. I don’t think he’s all that happy, he still hasn’t found a job (although is looking), he is spending a lot of his time watching tv. When I questioned him about him constantly bringing up this new guy he said he was "just joking" and that I was taking him too seriously.

What do you all think? Is he "just joking" or is he bothered by me going out with the new guy? Why is he still calling and texting me so much when HE is the one who broke it off? Any advice on how to proceed? Help!

Yes it DOES bother him or he would simply say have fun or something indifferent.

If he brings it up again, just change the subject or tell him it's none of his damn business.

And he's calling and texting you because he wants you as a "backup" plan in case he wants to come back. He's just pissed because you're NOT "waiting around" crying over him.

i honestly think you need to tell him that you can't have contact with him because you need to try to move on with your life. Tell him that if he addresses his intimacy and emotional issues, you would always consider a reconciliation, but for now you need to move forward with your life.

Unfortunately, fear of intimacy also breeds selfishness and he is acting out of selfishness at the moment. He is scared to commit to you because of his fear of intimacy, yet he doesn't want to let you go either. What you are experiencing is the destructive come here-go away dance which characterises fear of intimacy.

Is he seeking therapy?

I would tell him that right now you need the time to heal, and to please stop contacting you. He needs to understand the consequences of his decision to break up with you, and by staying in contact, you're not allowing him to face the fact that he made that choice.

I would tell him that if he sincerely wants to try the relationship again, he can then contact you, but you're not available for small talk. Also, I would tell him that you need at least a few months, before any contact is made.

Good luck...

So once again last night, I received SEVERAL text messages. I hear what you guys are saying about the no contact. Actually, a little over a month ago I asked my ex not to contact me. He said he understood but still wanted to be friends. We were out of touch about 2 weeks, and then he started texting/calling. I have ignored a lot of those or taken awhile to get back with him (because I've been busy).

I am really torn by the no contact thing. On the one hand, I do think that if he told me he was dating someone, i would be upset. On the other hand though, this is going to sound strange, but a few years ago, I had a near-death experience. Since then I have really tried to show the people that are important to me that they are, because I know how quickly life can be taken away. Obviously he is important to me, and I do think he is going through a really difficult time personally right now, trying to find some direction in his life. So that is why I am having such a hard time with the no contact, and feeling torn about whether to do it. I do think I am doing pretty good actually, and I can feel myself moving on slowly.

Also, to answer an earlier question - no he is not in therapy. I have tried to get him to go but he will not. The only thing he will admit to is the ptsd, and pretty much that is to me only. He is one of those guys who think that emotional problems are a sign of weakness -not good, I know, but that is how he is.

Hi everyone! If you have any advice...I could definitely use it. I am having a bad day today I have been doing pretty good lately but today has just been rough, thinking about all the memories and just missing him.

i've had bad days too. my ex and i have been broken up for a couple of months now. we've had NC for about a month and it's been extremely painful. yesterday was a better day, today is a bad day. sometimes i just can't control my mind and it has taken every ounce of strength to keep from contacting her. i don't think there is an easy solution to the problem. all you can do is try your best to focus on something else. cry and get it out, you'll feel better after a good cry. that has helped me a lot, but i eventually go back to feeling horrible again, i just hope that it ends soon.

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Some days are really good, then the next is bad and it just hits you like it was yesterday. Like today, it's like everywhere I look something reminds me of him... I am sill living in the house that we picked out and bought together...only a little over a year ago. Its so sad to look around here and see all the furniture we picked out just a month or two before he left, all the decorations we put up together, the rooms we painted, all the places we used to go, that kind of thing. It's crazy how someone can go from buying a house with you and being in love to running away in a years time. I just wish I knew WHY. And I wish I could understand why he keeps calling and texting and acting jealous, when he doesn't want to be with me. It's just confusing.

This is so frustrating! I had been doing really good for awhile, and then bam, I've just had two really bad days back to back. I am wandering if it is because he has been in contact with me a lot lately or what. Maybe it is best to just cut him out of my life, I don't know, we would still have the house though for right now.

The long weekend coming up for me doesn't help either, makes me think about all the vacations we used to take on long weekends together

Amanda,

I'm really sorry you are having bad days. I agree with the other posters that you do need to move on with your life and focus on you. But I also understand that he is very important to you. It's hard. PTSD is hard. You may not understand WHY things happened the way they did, PTSD is a very complicated disorder. You say he admitted to having PTSD? Perhaps he would be willing to talk to a therapist regarding PTSD only? If he were to agree to that, then maybe the therapist could help him with his other issues as well...kind of without him "knowing". There is a book I think that may help you understand PTSD...it's a book for members of law enforcement, but I think it would be a good read for those who are in the military as well. It's called Emotional Survival by Kevin Gilmartin. Google it, I'm sure you can find it.

That's the problem with military organizations...if someone needs to get counsel, they're seen as a p*ssy and looked down on. Unfortunately, that seems to be driven into his head as well.

Oh and btw, his "joking" about making sure you bring condoms with you when you go out, was not a joke at all. He knows that, he's just jealous. I'm sure he still cares about you a lot though...

Just understand that the break-up had nothing to do with you. You were not the problem. From what it sounds like, how he tells you "deep" things that he doesn't really tell anyone else...sounds like you actually help him. He trusts you.