Is he addicted to forums?

My bf and I had a pretty bad start to our relationship but we got over it and have now been together over 3 years.

During the first year we met, he did something pretty wrong, and it resulted in him losing alot of his friends.

He never really coped with this well, but got on as best he could and over time has made one or two new friends, but is not the type of guy to be out and about anyway.

We both started using a particular forum a few years ago, it was ok and helped out with one or two problems.

But more recently, he has been going on it more and more. He has become quite a regular on there, and has met some online friends, and although its a forum for problems as such, over the last few months he has got more and more into it, and talks about these people and there daily private messages/lives/problems like they are his 'real' friends, although he doesnt really know them, or even know if what they are telling him is the truth.

He isnt working right now and has been looking to get his career back on track for almost a year now, but has done the odd job here and there and currently has a part time job a few hours a day which he has been in since February. Things have been very tight financially and I work full time, but we have 4 kids between us and my income isnt enough to support us all. We are in a tight spot financially and he has known for some time that we are in hot water, and the debts are now piling up daily and he needs to get a job, any job, real soon. In fact, he promised me hed have one by the end of this week, tomorrow.

I have found recently, that he is spending most of his day online, either answering posts, or PM's.

He has problems sleeping and as he doesnt have to get up in the morning (i take the kids to school on my way to work), recently, when weve been going to bed, as the comp is now in our bedroom, instead of getting in bed with me, he gets on the forum (which isnt doing our sx life any favours either!) so eventually i get fed up waiting for him to 'get in' and fall asleep and he can still be on it when i wake during the night at 2 or 3 in the morning.

Things came to a bit of a head yesterday, as by error (and it really was) I was logged into his account. I read his PM's, hes read mine before, and weve always been quite open about this stuff due to our history. I came accross a message from a young girl, and she had asked a pretty personal sexual question. Now it wasnt that my bf was being secretive, as she had asked this same question last week and he had politely got round it and told me all about it, and ask me if she was being 'overfriendly' but we brushed it off. But when i saw the same question there again, I freaked, sent a reply, but saying it was me (she knows who I am and that we are a couple) saying that i found her message disrespectful etc. Basically, she has done this to a couple of other guys on the forum and sort of got involved with them and theyve had their feelings hurt (as they were single, she isnt single by the way!) My bf did actually say to me last week that he felt a tad uncomfortable by it.

Ok, so i know what i did was wrong, by answering the message before he apparently had read it - although it came into his box whilst he was home? but he hadnt answered. He has also, (after initially defending her) has now said that he did think it was a bit inappropriate.

But thats not my problem. What I am concerned about, is his constant use of this forum and the way he now treats these people like they were real mates.

It worries me he is on there so much, when he is supposed to be either helping around the house whilst im at work, or looking for work himself. And the fact that he would actually rather sit on a forum than come to bed

Im worried that these constant pm's are starting to interfere and cause probs with our relationship.

I know that some of these people have perhaps become a bit of a lifeline to him, and having answered their posts occasionally myself, most are really nice, caring people, but i feel a bit neglected, we have spoke about it, but i get the feeling that nothing is really going to change and that he will just spend more time on the forums in the day whilst im at work, or perhaps wait for me to fall asleep.

How do i tackle this? or should i just let him get on with it??

Are you talking about um...forums...here?

Just curious as it comes accross that way in your post.

It does sound like it has crossed the boundary from beneficial, helpful to addiction in the sense it is harming your relationship together (ie quality time, inappropriate communications). It is not that uncommon to form a bond with people you "talk to" regularly even if they are online but if it is coming as a priority OVER your real life relationships, there is a problem.

Have you sat down and talked to him about it in a non-accusatory way to let him know you feel a bit "brushed aside" and want some more quality time together in the disconnected world?

Hi Raykay

Yes I have, again even this morning.

We have spoken about this in the recent past, yet i find his use is accelerating in the last couple of weeks.

I understand that hes a bit bored at home - although i have to say, if i was here, i know i could find a million jobs to do to keep me busy most of the day.

I can feel resentment is creeping in here. The financial situ doesnt help as its been going on a long time now. I have actually told him how im feeling. We really can communicate well, but i seem to have been hitting a brick wall when it comes to his 'friends' on this forum.

I thinks its harder, because i work all day, then he starts work for a few hours as I finish, so I pick the kids up from him at the end of my work day as he starts work, and he doesnt get in till late evening. We spend a couple of hours together, then as i said, go to bed, and he gets on the forum again!

I dont understand, as hes been on it most of the day whilst im at work....

I used to fall asleep earlier, but realised recently that we havent been spending much time in eachothers company. So i made a concerted effort to stay awake longer - ooooh, and now i find that after sitting there watching him typing for half an hour or so, i give up, pick up my book, and am asleep half an hour later, whilst he is still typing.

As ive said, i did speak to him about it today, he has said tonight no forums.

But i feel like hes doing it out of duty, and that he will just 'go underground' and spend more time on it when im not around.

He has been pretty depressed and isolated for some time, doesnt go out really at all, and ofcourse, sitting in most of the day on his own, isnt helping him im sure. I dont want to take away his lifeline, but i am worried that he is building his life around these people that he doesnt really know - if that makes any sense.

I do understand your concerns, and I would be too.

I know my partner does not entirely understand my like for being HERE, though he respects it's my space. However, I also am very aware to keep it pretty separate from his and my life together. I don't go on here instead of spending time with him for example, and really I am here on the day, and then my early mornings and evenings are reserved for training, chores/errands, family/friends & him (not in that order exactly..lol). My weekends too are also generally "free" from here.

I think he may have a bit of an addiction honestly if he really can't NOT go on. However, if you have talked to him about it and still no change, it's difficult to force change.

Have you two gone away together lately? Might be time for even a mini-weekend vacation to reconnect, and show him what he is missing!

I am on this forum since 22/05 and you can see my post count. It is the only forum I am active in. The forum offers personal growth and I enjoy to help people. But the forum has not adversely affected my work, other interests and sexlife (avg daily), rather it improved my sexlife by what I learned here about the kama sutra. I also have negligible PM traffic and personal contacts. For me off-forum like PM or chat sex advice is a big NO WAY.

However, there has been friction with my gf over my hours at the forum. She is not happy if I do not snore next to here. I have adjusted my hours and she is OK with it.

Back to your hubby, In short I think he has a problem as he develops contacts, also with young women. It maybe like a RPG gaming addiction, or he is escaping from his failure to work.

I think he should better attend to his duties in the house and look for work.

Addiction and escapism is hard to resolve. He needs counseling and most importantly change (work).

Note that you can not counsel him.

What is his educational background and profession?

His age, employment oportunities?

His chosen career isnt going to well right now.

He has been for quite a few interviews in his field recently (more than in the previous 6 months he was looking) but he hasnt got the jobs. He admits to a bit of arrogance when he first started out, thinking that finding a job would be no problem, and actually, during the first couple of months, he didnt really look at all, even though we were sliding into financial difficulties. When i pointed this out, he did make a start, but its only really been over the last 5 months that he has realised that we would lose everything if things carried on much longer. (The bills are in my name). We arent married, and its a bit complicated as we moved in together last year and took on a more expensive place based on us both getting jobs. (we had our own places before). I got a job in 5 days, and he is still looking for full time work in his chosen career.

Anyway, this combined with the fact he is spending most of his day online, and also, most of the small amount of quality time we have together, is adding to the resentment on my part I guess.

My own job has recently become at risk - so thats not helping at all.

But the bottom line is, im worried that he has become so used to being at home all day, talking to his friends, and that it is starting to take over the small amount of quality time we have. This + resentment is not doing good things to how im feeling.

What will happen if your job goes. He got to find work. He can apply with lower wages, once he is in he can look for a better package. The longer he is out of work the worse it gets.

He is escaping into a happy world of online buddies.

Nottoo

Thats my exact fear.

But trying to get him to realise or see what he is doing is another matter.

Being as he is obviously somewhat depressed, i think im fighting a losing battle here.

I just have no idea how to get him motivated anymore, yet at the same time its pretty hard to come home and see that no washing has been put on again and im taking over doing more and more things.

He gets some kind of fix from answering these posts and talking to his online friends.

How does doing the washing compete with that??

Meanwhile, I get more resentful, and i know that tonights no forum rule, may last a couple of days, but by next monday, all will be as it has been this week.

~Arrrgggghhhh!!!!!!!!

Raykay

I wish we could afford to get away too, unfortunately, our financial probs are hitting us right in the face every day, new bills hitting the mat that cant be paid for.

Im just keep the roof over our heads right now, and with my job at risk, im looking for a new job.

I cant stand the thought that i might get a new job, before he does.

Sparkle,

To be happy online is OK. My gf sits to the right of me on another computer and does her things. We go to bed together in a minute.

He is disconnecting from the real world. We seen this here with RPG (role play games). A guy not wanting any sex is scary.

You can't counsel/fix him, try to get him into EITHER a job OR therapy fast.

I am afraid he will not listen though. He may try to avoid getting a job actually ?

Talk to him tonight.

Also, please consider viable alternatives.

We always will be here for you.

Nottoo

I have tried to talk to him about counselling in the past, he is completely resiliant to it - and here in the uk it is awfully hard to get counselling and we cant afford to go private.

Basically, he doesnt think anything is wrong. He knows finances are very tight and debt is bad, but he doesnt see anything wrong in what he is doing. i look on the forum he uses everyday with despair, and see that he is answering all the posts, and then yesterday, to see all those PM's in his box, and his returns, makes me realise that he is on here for most of the day, then has a quick whip round at home so it doesnt look too bad.

I just dont know how to force this issue, yet at the same time, i dont know how to stop my resentment growing.

Especially when im at work today, standing outside, he rings my mobile and is talking to me about the problems with this girl that PM'd.

My job is quite demanding, and i got cross with him by saying that its ridiculous that we are talking about some girl that weve never met, dont know who she is, yet here i am, standing at work, discussing her, because he wanted to respond to her in a kind yet supportive way to me!

Right now, my job is hell, and the way they have treated me, i would walk out but i cant due to our financial situ - and there he is ringing me about some absurd forum problems we have of his making.

Its not real, yet its so affecting our lives - if that makes any sense.

I understand and respect and concur with your feelings.

You ought to resent it, and frankly women are more sensible than guys at times.

Forum problems are real (like yours but he should balance and keep you out of it. It's his interest, OK, but he _must_ function too. Now you bothe need money, and he needs a job.

It's reached the point where he must find a job. You have to explain your _sensible_ and _rational_ position, and _stand_for it.

01:30, My gf left, got to go, please understand.

Talk to you soon

Thanks Nottoo

Totally understand.

My bf due home, and here i am feeling guilty that ive been on a forum for a while whilst sorting kids dinner!

I just need to get this out somewhere.

Be back on tomorrow.

Is it that i feel jealous that he has all these online contacts?

He has alot of female friends on there as well as men, though i really never felt threatened by it until this girl yesterday.

Deep down i dont think its jealousy more than i wish i could sit at home all day doin that stuff, or have the time in the house to do things i think need doing, or spend some more time with my mates, but that means losing precious little time my bf and i have together - but i have to work to support us. I think its that they are invading our space that gets me like today and whilst im at work too - yet, at the same time, i appreciate that he tells me about things on this forum, rather than keeping it all private which i guess may make us feel more separated.

I dont have much time to myself, I get up early in the morning, sort the kids whilst he is still snoring, pick them up from my workplace - take them home, sort them again, he comes in later, we eat, kids go to bed pretty much as he walks in the door, watch a bit of tv together whilst eating, then go to bed ourselves and he is back to the forums again.

Where do you find the medium?

I find in some ways im happy that he has interests in people again, and in some sense feels a connection with the world. Yet, I wish he would have it in a more healthy way, like friends at work etc, and i do feel a bit resentful that he has this time to do this, whilst im in a job that i would walk from if i could, before i have to leave (they cant employ me Perm even though they want to due to other job losses - long story, but they promised me the perm job for the last 10 months then budget problems hit - so i feel really let down).

Another prob i have is that im worried about going out now and getting another job, which i know i will get (dont mean to sound arrogant) and yet, hes been 'trying' for months - if you know what i mean.

It feels like an even bigger slap in the face.

Hi Sparkle,

You are looking for balance and he is not concerned, contrary he even burdens you and distracts you at work. (and you even pay the calls)

I think he is not looking for a relationships with another woman, but it could happen as the two of you drift more appart.

I am sorry I have no good ideas on how to change him. He needs stronger messages!

And you could do something which saves money too.

Make a list of non-essentials to cut.

Put cutting the phone/internet connection on this list.

Show him the list and discuss it with him.

He will get the message.

He must get a job.

If you can't work it out, he does not compromise, go ahead cancel the internet connection and what else is not needed. It's not good, but he may wake up.

You mention sorting the kids, but are together only for 3 years. The kids are not his?

Hi Nottoo

As for stronger messages, i dont know what else I can do - I have cried, been fed up, talked, rowed. Its gone on for months as things have got worse.

He has applied for another couple of jobs, im desperately trying not to give up hope, but after the turn downs, its sorta faded if im honest - i just cant look ahead right now.

Got angry last night, i heard of some cleaning jobs and told him about it, he said no way - even though one of his mates works there.

We did have a brief talk today about the fact we have some difficulties in our relationship.

He said he is bored at home, and what else has he to do but sit on the forums.

Well I can think of a list of things and asked him to do some of them today.

I told him im just fed up with everything, and could do with a bit of a break. I never get any time alone anymore, and in some ways i get jealous that he has all day, everyday, to himself, and I cant afford a night out with friends or just get any space to be alone in the house. (He doesnt take the kids out without me if you know what i mean) And our together time is so limited also.

Its not like we can afford to go out or do anything special together. So for me its all work and housework, and worrying about money, and for him its all forums and p/t work.

Could probably also do with a break from work, but my bosses are off in the next week or so, so i cant take holiday for the next 6 weeks, and i may need the holiday pay incase i come out of work with little notice (they will only give me 5 days).

Funny what you said about the internet, I said to him last night that I really wish id not had it connected and we cant afford it anyway - but most of his career vacancies from agencies come in via his email.

He has a child and I have 3 kids.

Unfortunately my ex is being a pain at the moment and holding off on CS - he owes me a few months but its not forthcoming.

We have cut back on most of everything apart from the internet. I havent had my hair cut in a year nor have we bought clothes. Weve reduced the food bill down as far as you can (especially with the kids chomping their way like they do! There ages are 9, 11, 12,13 and they want money for all sorts bless them!)

So weve talked, and im sure we will talk more over the w/e. I think ive heard for so long that everything is going to be alright, but its just getting worse, that with every week i get more depressed.

God i sound so moaney - im fed up with being fed up.....

Hi Sparkle.

Funny what you said about the internet, I said to him last night that I really wish id not had it connected and we cant afford it anyway - but most of his career vacancies from agencies come in via his email.

Yeah, he will go through the roof - so what?

So weve talked, and im sure we will talk more over the w/e. I think ive heard for so long that everything is going to be alright, but its just getting worse, that with every week i get more depressed.

 

God i sound so moaney - im fed up with being fed up.....

I have these two sentences on depression: Depression is a mental pain caused by an imbalance between expectations and ability. To make the pain go away, one ought to either improve ones ability or reduce ones expectations.

If you read it a couple times, you will understand that it is quite reasonable for you to be depressed.

Hint: Because you are unable to make him to meet your moderate and sensible expectations.

You may realize now that change is the only cure for depression. Again change of either ability or expectations. OK, change may be substituted by improve/increase/reduce. Balance is it.

Following this rationale, change in the following ways comes to mind.

• He gets a job and reduces his forum involvement and takes better care of you, kids... and you will be happy together. - perfect
  
• He gets a job but still neglects you and you accept that. - Would you be happy?
  
• You accept the current situation. Continue as is and be happy. - You'd be a fool to do that me thinks.
  
• Dump him and his kid. - Sorry.
  

Change is painful, for him and for you. The choice is yours and his.

If you leave him, it will hurt, but solve the problem for you and your kids. My mom after all managed to pull myself plus two sisters through after my dad died of alcoholism when I was 14 and them were 12 and 8. Thus, you being a mother, and seing your posts, do I have total faith in you that you will prevail.

Please do not be angry with him, but please be strong following your sensible and rational choice upon talking to him.

I recommend you write a letter to him, read it to him and give it to him. Give your family a fair chance, this is what it is all about.

Also consider to show him this thread as a last resort.

We always will be here for you.

P.S. I have special arangement to spend more time here tonight as my gf watches the puppy-dog of our daughter which came down with a bad fever.

Hi

Wow, was a bit surprised by your response.

3 certainly wouldnt be acceptable!

I really dont know whats going on anymore.

Weve sat and had a brief talk tonight - i actually felt better for a short while - he was on the phone to his friend, after a chat we had, and for a while i felt upbeat. It was just so nice to hear him chatting and laughing with his mate, there doesnt seem to be much laughter in this house anymore. It cheered me to hear him happy for a while. After this, i phoned his friends wife, whom ive also become friends with recently - we were supposed to be going to a bbq tomorrow, and it seems, according to the guys that they had decided not to go, so i said about going on our own, and that, as our elder girls had made their own plans, it was just my younger son that perhaps my guy could look after - so i made plans to go with this friend alone, for a few hours - well, i had to explain myself, and about him having my boy for a few hours, but it didnt result in a row - but a comment as to why i hadnt asked him. Maybe that was wrong on my part - I dont know, this my kids, his kids thing is so difficult.

There are some things that i have realised tonight, and perhaps these things have been going on for a while but im too blind to see.

He has a big disrespect for me, i dont quite know why this is.

We sat talking, whilst watching a film, he said something, i responded, yet i was told to shut up.

I walked out of the room.

Its not the first time.

You know, he looks at me differently now. in fact, whats worse, is that ive noticed he doesnt look at me at all.

I no longer get the occasional appreciative glance. There is nothing.

If i didnt know better, id say this guy is as much as in love with me as a piece of wood.

I think the truth is that im feeling all these things, or lack of them, keenly right now. I can feel the changes in his general attitude in a daily sense if you know what i mean. its the little things, those things he just doesnt try or care about anymore.

Maybe the pressure is just getting to us both, but just when i think we are on for a better weekend than i had hoped for, and my mood had lifted, he brings it back down with some horrible comment.

It just drags us further apart again. He came in and said a sort of didnt mean it that way, but i wonder, why the hell would you speak to someone you love that way in the first place???

its been happening alot lately.

I wouldnt dream of telling him to shut up - and believe me, he can talk nine to the dozen, thinks nothing of going on and on about his forum mates,- and their probs, whilst i have been reading my book at night - but i never complain or would tell him to shut up so i could concentrate on reading (after realising he is so stuck into the forums again that hes not coming to bed anyway! - which hurts in a different way).

I dont know, i just know that once again, we seem miles apart, and its the weekend.

Just told him to read this, yet once again hes put me down and asked if this was a kids site!

I really really think he is depressed. It hits the ego when you can't get a job (and for the male, he might think he should be the provider). It really sounds like he just given up. When you are really depressed, that is almost the only emotions you feel - depression, touchiness, anger, etc - there is no room for love.

I also second that while being on forums can be a healthy activity, anything taken to the extreme he has done is UNHEALTHY. It could be - I dunno - working out or painting pictures, but anything consuming his life like this is unhealthy.

I hate to say this, but I would suggest:

1 - cutting the internet connection

2 - telling him to take any damn job to get out of the house and bring some money back in. He can always look to improve on the job later. When you are in financial trouble, there is no room for pride as silly as refusing a job that his own friends have.

3 - I really really hate to say this, but you might have to make an ultimantum. That he goes to counselling and takes a job, or you'll leave. The problem is, you run the risk of him refusing. It does not sound like you can stay in this position, however, and you sound very reasonable in what you are asking him to do.

I visit a variety of forums myself - hockey, games, this one, etc. However, they have never interfered with my ability to work, pay attention to a significant other or spend time with my family, etc. This is but one of my hobbies, not my life. Your husband made it his life.

I really don't like the sound of that disrespect. You should never tell your wife to shut up. I also think it is hypocritical of him to complain about "your" site when he is on a site personal enough to swap sex tips.

Hi

 

He has a big disrespect for me, i dont quite know why this is.

We sat talking, whilst watching a film, he said something, i responded, yet i was told to shut up.

Wow. That's really out of line.

 

You know, he looks at me differently now. in fact, whats worse, is that ive noticed he doesnt look at me at all.

I no longer get the occasional appreciative glance. There is nothing.

This isn't good.

the truth is that im feeling all these things, or lack of them, keenly right now. I can feel the changes in his general attitude in a daily sense if you know what i mean. its the little things, those things he just doesnt try or care about anymore.

you've shared this with him? Told him this? And he hasn't responded to you?

He came in and said a sort of didnt mean it that way, but i wonder, why the hell would you speak to someone you love that way in the first place???

Agreed.

I dont know, i just know that once again, we seem miles apart, and its the weekend.

Just told him to read this, yet once again hes put me down and asked if this was a kids site!

Very disrespectful.

You have alot going on here. You are really coming accross to me as a person who is lonely, neglected, and unappreciated. And I'm a stranger! i cant imagine the man living with you not noticing or caring about this emotional state you are in.

Im in complete agreement with you. He needs to disconnect from the internet and reconnect with you. I don't know how you are going to make him realize that, or see the importance of it. But I would not stay in a situation with a man who not only treated me this way, but seemed completely unaffected by it when I told him about it. He loves you, he's willing to do what it takes to maintain the relationship---up to and INCLUDING getting off a message board if it makes you uncomfortable (and clearly, it does).

He needs to take care of his business at home, and he is not doing that. I'm not a fan of ultimatums, but in this case i cant see any other alternative. Youve suggested compromises, and he isn't interested in doing that. At least that way he has the CHOICE to choose you over the internet...rather than just waking up one day and finding you gone, which is the likely outcome if this continues. I hope he isn't that blind.

The internet is entertainment, escape, sometimes even personally or professionally helpful. However, it has never, and will never, replace having someone in your life that you LOVE and want to keep around. If it starts to intrude on your relationship, or make the other person uncomfortable, you stop it. if not, you have a serious problem and it isn't online addiction, its more about just how important you really are to him.

You are slipping away. He is losing you, and he doesn't even realize it.

I hope he wakes up before it's too late, because sooner or later, it will be.

Salt

Hi

Wow, was a bit surprised by your response.

 

3 certainly wouldnt be acceptable!

"You accept the current situation. Continue as is and be happy." - You'd be a fool to do that me thinks."

Hi Sparkle

Sorry for the misunderstanding. Perhaps you read it too fast. It's just there for completeness.

And my lengthy explanation of depression is to make you realize (and him, if he would read it) that change is the only cure.

Just told him to read this, yet once again hes put me down and asked if this was a kids site!

He's lost it, he is in total denial. Just like an alcoholic or gaming addict would be.

As to your other points, I concur with Guess Gouden Draak and saltwatergirl.

Here you could see which patterns he fits:

Relationship wreckers:

Hi

thanks for all the responses.

Nottoo, it isnt that he doesnt take the jobs he is offered, its that hes not getting the jobs hes going for (in his chosen profession).

There is some slim chance of a job doing nights which he is going to apply for on Monday.

i had a good time at the bbq - it was nice to get out for a few hours. He didnt seem to happy when i got back thou - i went with a friend, and originally she said that she really just wanted to pop her head in, and wasnt expecting to be there too long. As it happened, we stayed quite a few hours, and, she was enjoying herself so much that i left her there to continue the night and came back at 9pm. He had made a comment on the phone about my few hours turning into 4 or 5. Still it was nice to get out for a while.

I think the problem is that we have said so many harsh words to eachother. Im not too good in a row. Ive been becoming so desperate and worried lately that ive said some pretty bad things to him. I think we are now at a point were we have worn eachother down pretty badly by what has been said, and the worsening financial sitch and my recent job risk is just tipping our relationship over the edge.

We just cant seem to get out of it god knows i try.

We had a talk last night and enjoyed each others company. This morning hes woken in a foul mood again and taken it out on me. Hes says these things that put me in a bad mood within 5 minutes of him waking, then just expects me to be fine again. Its happening all the time. Its not that i want to be oversensitive, but he makes me feel like i dont want to be in his company and that he has no respect for me whatsoever. The more this happens, the more im finding it difficult to get back in the good mood i was in prior to him waking. Its so bloody difficult to be cheerful anyway these days - I wonder why i have to keep trying so darn hard. I only made him a cup of tea in bed after all, and one of the kids was having a bath. He freaked because he thought there'd be no water left for his bath, I said there are 5 of us in this house today - which resulted in him telling me to F you.

After all, ive been up and done the housework for hours, the kids were up - if he hadnt of laid in so damn long, he could have got in the bathroom earlier!

Am i being unreasonable or what????

Good you went out and had a few happy hours. Go out more, as much as you can.

The way he treats you, you would want him to take cold showers in the rain.

And instead you serve him tea in bed.

You are being unreasonable to yourself and to your kids me thinks.

He is not managable and your relationship will get worse.

See if he gets the job, and whether he shares the bills and gets better.

Thanks nottoo,

I know your right, which is pretty much what ive been doing - waiting to see if things improve with a change in circumstances.

He has an interview tomorrow - god i hope he gets it. I just wouldnt like to think what would happen if he didnt, the disappointment for us both is just unthinkable right now.

He is the first to admit that he is hard to live with, but i dont think he realises quite how difficult at times. As much as i love him, and he does have his good points, i have to think about my kids too - and all of our overall lives. its not been good for them to see their mum going through this lately. But that said, they also love him too. I have asked him to think a bit more about the things he says. He says he will try.

I think the only real bone of contention that we have is that he says im oversensitive, whilst i say he is just undersensitive! (rude being the understatement!) i did ask him if hes been this way in his prior relationships (been married twice before) and he says he doesnt really recall, but noone mentioned his attitude. But on both occasions, they cheated on him - and i cant help but wonder if in some small way its because he made them feel pretty worthless by speaking to them in the same way - although it doesnt make cheating right ofcourse - i dunno, thats pure speculation and i guess a bit pointless.

Its been really good in a way to have views from others who have backed up what i felt myself - so that i didnt think it was me that was being 'over dramatic or over sensitive as ive been told.

Im not to keen on talking to my friends about my relationship, as we had a bad start and I did talk to them about some things so they have really only started to come round to the idea of us as a couple in the last year.

Lets hope i can report back with some improvement in a couple of weeks!

Meanwhile, thanks to everyone for their help.

Hi Sparkle,

I am still pi$$ed at him for calling this a kiddie site, but I wish that his interview goes well, for both of you and the kids.

I hope it works out and that he eventually remembers to love you too.

All the best, awaiting your update.

P.S. He should sign up here to get over his past problems with cheating, etc. Post his stories.

He is a big kid after all.

You can't be his counselor, just his loving partner.

Your friends can't be your counselors either, feel free to come here or talk to a professional counselor.

And do not make him tea in bed, until you happy with him!

Thanks Nottoo

Dont take badly what he said, he hadnt read any of the site and didnt know anything about it - personally, ive always found that he wants to know everything about everything, but has his own secrets

font of all knowledge and all that.

It was just his immature way of reacting to the situation - he has bad impulse control in this way, and his mouth often gets him in trouble! It was aimed at me, not at anyone else, and it was no less than i expected. (this is a man in his mid 40's by the way)

I did take some time out to talk to him, and told him I dont need this crap and deserve more. Deep down, i know he knows this too.

I dont think he gets how seriously unhappy I am - he turned it around and basically said that i wouldnt get rid of him.

As much as i want him to feel secure in our relationship, as i know how important this is to him, and how he needs it, i need to feel that way too.

He just is the sort of guy that needs a nudge now and again to remember that apparently, according to him, he is so in love with me! But that doesnt excuse his bad behaviour - and im the sort of girl that doesnt forget easily either....

We tend to have better times when he remembers this - i have realised recently just how much his emotions and moods control our relationship. When he is up, we are all up, but one nasty comment from him, can soon change that around. And the problem is that you never know when its coming, and it comes often, or why, etc.

Apathy on my part, doesnt seem to help either. Ive done all that, ignored his comments etc, but they all build up in the end - and nothing changes. Then i just snap, and its back to square 1.

What i have learned, is that he has no idea, just how much his moods and comments hurt people - he thinks we can all take it like a pinch of salt. I believe it is more of an impulse problem, as most of us think before we say things that we know will damage people we love in the longer term - even in the middle of a row, there is some cognition there for others feelings - for some reason, he just cant think this way. Its like he just doesnt think of the consequences of his actions or words, until long after the event. Even then, you have to explain why what he has done/said is so hurtful or bad for himself or others.

I guess that i have some accepting to do and its about what I can accept and what i cant.

You cant change a person can you - but it is so annoying when you know that they could just stop hurting the people around them quite easily if they could just be a little more giving and have a bit more impulse control. Yep i know, i cant be his counsellor (think i may have been quite a few times in the past) nor can i fix this. But i also cant stand by and watch him make some big mistakes without saying anything can i???

Where do you draw the line with this?

He has worked through a lot of problems in the last year or so. He tried a counsellor once, but they said he needed a psycologist, then told him it would be at least 6 months to a year before he could see anyone. Thats no good for a person that had already taken 18months to pluck up the courage to see the counsellor! Ofcourse, it gave him an excuse to run, run, run! and never go back. Unfortunately, thats where it stays now.

UK is crap in this way, lets you down big time, right when you need it.

Anyway, all i can hope is that our financial sitch picks up, and his self esteem picks up along with it.

What ive realised, is he will always be a bit of an insensitive bloke, who will wind me up occasionally, and generally at times, be difficult to live with. But if we didnt have so much financial and esteem pressures on us, im sure it would be easier to live with.

I have realised that all this has made me somewhat depressed myself - and im happy to go see my Dr about it.

Will report back in a couple of weeks - once again thank you...