Is he addicted to forums?

[nottoogreen]

Hi Sparkle,

 

Don't worry, I am never really mad at onyone here. I wish his job search goes well.

 

Some guys around 40 are difficult at times, me too, my gf could sing a few opera's. His job problems hurt him badly and his dependency on you agravates that.

 

You are a healthy, mature and stable person and do not need any pills, which would make you worse in the long run. His change for the better is your cure.

[Sparkle]

What can I say, where do i start now - and after me saying i would report back in a couple of weeks........

Last night, as we were going to bed, he got on the forum to have a quick look whilst i was getting undressed. I have pretty good eyesight, and saw that he was looking at a PM from this same girl (the one with the personal sexual question? - the one that said she would leave both him and me alone?)

I managed a glance at the title of the pm, and saw, from this, that, he had obviously pm'd her first and it was a response from her.

I asked him if this was the case, he said no, she had pm'd him.

 

Things have been pretty good the last couple of days, weve been getting on better and hes made a bit more of an effort and not been on the forum so much (he says). We agreed at the weekend, after all the upset, and me crying in his arms on Sunday, about most of the issues ive put on here, that he wouldnt pm this girl again. He asked me if i wanted him to stop using the forum, I said no, he asked me if i wanted him to not pm her again, I said yes, and also told him that I was glad that she had said that she would not pm either of us again.

He agreed with me that some of her messages were a little strange, said he understood my feelings and how i felt, and agreed it was inappropriate.

i felt totally reassured.

Our relationship started off pretty badly due to the fact he told me alot of lies, lies that eventually came out. It has taken an awfully long time and a lot of hard work to even try to repair the trust in this relationship.

 

I didnt realise how far we had come on this recently, until last night. Why? because, probably, for the first time in a long time (years) i didnt even have to question whether he would pm this girl, i completely took him at his word and trusted him after our conversations of the weekend.

 

After several different versions of what has happened - from she pm'd him, to eventually, him admitting that he had pm'd her first to ask her how she was, to him saying that he wanted to say his bit to her about what happened, to his now stance, that he cant remember the conversations we had, where he said he wouldnt pm her again, I sat there last night and watched every bit of lying manipulative behaviour in the book, from him trying to sway the conversation to things id done ages ago, becoming defensive, also ripping up a letter i was writing him with regard to how i felt, but anything but answer the question as to why he felt the need to contact this girl and hide it from me, or lie to me about it, when he knew how i felt about it. At one point he did say that 'she looked up to him'.

 

I have done alot of reading on these behaviours from our past, as I have experienced it all before with him, lie on top of lie, on top of lie, and I guess, after not experiencing it for a while, i can handle these behaviours a little less emotionally now, without going off the deepend. I just really didnt think that we would have to go through this again. I forgave this man for the lies he told in the past, because he said he would change, and although said he couldnt say he would never tell a white lie, promised me that he wouldnt lie about things that could hurt our relationship.

 

Now i realise, that he will never change. It doesnt matter how i feel about something, if he wants to do it, he will just keep on and lie about it.

 

 

I asked him why my feelings of being uncomfortable about this, did not count and why talking to this girl was clearly more important than our relationship. I was told i had problems, was jealous, needed help along with a few other choice names i cant put on here.

 

I am stunned. He rang today when i was at work, to ask me if everything was ok, i said it wasnt.

Its back to square 1. I have realised i cant trust him at all. Basically, he sat there with me at the weekend, stroking my hair, and wiping my tears away, and telling me everything i wanted to hear, whilst he already knew that he was just going to do it behind my back, and lie about it, or, not tell me about it at all.

 

Currently having a re-think of my future.

[nottoogreen]

Sorry sparkle, he is much more complex than you imagine.

 

His behavior is more along the lines of my post #5. There is no physical cheating involved but he protects his dream world like any addict.

 

Firstly he needs a job and then has to get back on track with you.

 

I see no point you giving him more chances if he does not get a job.

 

P.S. My gf is away tonight but it's time to have a nap on time.

[Sparkle]

I pm'd this girl tonight that had been causing so many problems with our relationship.........

 

Jesus, here weve been fighting and arguing over this girls 'honour' the nature of her pm, his private, secretive messages to her.

Well i pm'd her tonight, and told her it was causing probs.

Her response was basically, that it shouldnt, as she had so many pm's from different people, that she was unable to keep his pm saved!

 

She basically said that she was so busy on this forum, and that he had pm'd her, saying he understood how he felt, but that he felt she had done nothing wrong.

Bit different to what he told me but anyway.....

Basically, it seems from her pm, that she goes around saying this stuff to everyone.

Now i feel bad for my bf, as he had genuinely made a connection with this obvious piece of fluff, and was genuinely worried about her - to the point that it caused conflict in our real time relationship!

Which i guess was what i was struggling against in the first place.

Wheras she, is so busy telling this crap to all in sundry, and making everyone feel oh so concerned about her (as my earlier pm, shes hurt the feelings of a couple of other guys on there) that it meant nothing to her.

 

I am angry that we have spent nearly a week arguing about this 'piece of fluff' troublemaker!

 

Jesus, these damn forums and more importantly pms.

What a load of crap.

Im so glad that i steered clear of it all, its all bs!!!

[nottoogreen]

If he can stay away from PM's it will be helpful. Attaching to virtual people is a dumb thing todo. The internet complements the real world but some people think it replaces it. We have people here at times which seek attention in extreme ways too, wasting everyones time.

 

My gf chat's sometimes and she get's hit on by guys who enjoy keyboard/cam sex. Some girls here manage to feel stalked by this kind of guy. Poor form, sad planet.

 

As of now all this doesn't matter. The problem remains for you and do not blame it on that girl as he does not have to act the way hid did and he is still out of a job.

[dismayed]

nottoogreen

You have joined this site in may 2006 and have over 1,700 posts. Perhaps you also need some real friends and not just the virtual ones also.

 

Sparkle.

You two sound like there is a comple lack of communication. Perhaps you need to talk to each other and listen to one another. Sounds like there is no trust or acceptance of each others feelings. I agree with the poster that said that it must be very hard for this guy not to have a job, and not that keep getting turned down. Sounds also like you are both severly depressed. That is bad enough when one in a relationship is depressed, but when there is two that must be very difficult for you both.

 

Perhaps you need relate if you are in the UK.

But it is sure thing that your BF needs to sit and listen to you and validate what you are feeling.

Perhaps you need to do this with him also.

I hope this helps you sparkle.

 

Good luck to the both of you.

[Sparkle]

Had the best weekend in such a long long time.

 

& Guess what

MY BF GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I think we both feel like a tow truck has just been lifted off of our shoulders.

 

I had abso no idea, how much this was all affecting me until I was finally actually able to take in the news (it did actually take about 24 hours to sink in). I know my BF feels the same.

 

Also, he didnt go on the forums for a couple of days - and weve spent some real quality time together.

 

Long may it continue.

It sounds stupid but i feel like a different person.

Not Edgy, irritated, frustrated, fed up.

 

Thanks to all those who posted.

[saltwatergirl]

I wish you well sparkle, but I think you are making a huge mistake trusting this person again.

 

Salt

[dismayed]

I wish you well sparkle, but I think you are making a huge mistake trusting this person again.

 

Salt

 

I have read through sparkles postings saltwater. i am confuzed, what exactly does she need to trust this person about. I didn't read about mistrust, cheating. As sparkle hasn't come back about this i truly am confuzed.

 

I am so glad that your BF has a job, perhaps now the burden of the financial strain will be lifted. Perhaps you will not need to go to the doctors and get on medication. That i agreed with nottoogreen and thought that was a terrible idea. No use popping a pill. One needs to sort the problem out at the core.

 

Have you managed to talk yet?

[saltwatergirl]

Not about cheating. About his personal changes or lack thereof and her frequent let downs.

 

Salt