ShySoul

If there is something I like other then sad songs, it tends to be songs from sassy, take no nonsense women. I wonder what that says about me. 😁 Speaking of which, and since you two have me going back through Mariah songs, here's an oldie that still gets me moving. Though I have no idea why I related to this song as a seven year old that didn't have experience with unrequited love either.

I think it comes down to motivation. I'm a guy that is naturally on the sensitive side. I don't like seeing anyone hurt. I've always related better with women and been closer to them. Plus I was close to my mother growing up and know the things that she had to go through. So my instinct is generally to protect and help women. That's not to say they can't help themselves or that I'm trying to be the knight in shining armor. I have called out a woman for unhealthy behavior. I think for some people it's just a genuine desire to help a person who is hurting. Likewise, there will be men that do allow themsevles to be taken advantage of. They may lack self confidence. Their motivation might be appear the hero to get that boost of confidence and approval. Maybe they are more concerned with appearing like the strong male protector. I think they are more likely to fall prey to women using them. On the female side, it's the same. There will be women who genuinely appreciate a man who is willing to come to their aid when they need help. There will be women who try to manipulate men for their own benefit. There will be women who refuse any help from a man, thinking that makes them look weak. There are all kinds of women, each with their own motivations. Every combination happens, it all depends on the people involved. I like to think that in general, like attracts like. More toxic people who like to create drama will more often find themselves with other toxic people, creating the drama they both crave. The rescurer types will eventually find another rescuerer and they will mutually help each other. People will probably have to go through a relationship or two with their opposing kind, but in the end the universe has a way of balancing everything out.

My parents divorced after being together for 25 years. They essentially raised three boys - their child (me) and her two sons from prior relationships. They had been through a lot as well. Outside observers probably couldn't see all the problems that were there. But there were problems, believe me. And I think both my parents knew that, they just managed to avoid dealing with it for a long time. But at some point it gets to be too much. My mother was the one who saw she had to do something different. It wasn't pretty and all parties could have handled it better. But in the long run, it was better for them. As blindsided as you might feel by this, things haven't been well for some time. Sounds like you both avoided the topic. She shut down on being intimate or physical. You buried yourself in work. It masked the real feelings underneath. But again, it got to be too much. Things were bound to come out eventually. The question know is how do you both choose to deal with it? For your sake, and especially for your children's, please try to be mature and respectful. I can say from experience, that it's not good when people aren't. Acting out of pain, anger, and fear only creates more problems. It's okay to have all those feelings. It's okay to be hurting and confused. But you can't let those emotions control you. If you need to, take time to be alone and calm down. Then try to go over things peacefully. Figure out what you want and what you can handle. And yes, explore legal options as well. Right now everything is fresh and you're probably.feeling a lot of different things. Don't rush in any direction and do something you might regret. Take time to sort things out for yourself. And know that we want the best for you. I'm sorry you have to go through this at all.

Do you still see any way you could be with her, knowing everything you currently know? If you can, then try the counseling. Professional help would probably be able to help both of you understand and address the feelings the two of you are going through right now. It would probably be able to bring to light issues that the two of you might not be seeing. And even if things don't work out, it might be good to help you process everything. If you do go through with it, be clear that BOTH of you are going to need to approach it with full honesty and openness for there to be the hope of improving your situation. This is a personal choice though. The only one that can decide what is best for you, is you. If you decide you can't accept what she's done, then there is no shame in ending things. I understand that you are hurting and angry. I get that there must be a rage building up in you and that you probably want to scream and punch something (well, someone). But is violence really going to solve anything? Beyond that momentary sense of relief, does it make the situation better? She will still have cheated and you will still be faced with trying to figure out what happened. She will be more likely to defend him, using your actions as justification for hers and turning things back on you. He will get to play the role of victim, claiming you are a brute who just attacked him. He could claim that's why your wife didn't want to be with you. Even if it's all nonsense, you'd just be giving them material they can use against you. And sadly, a lot of people are likely to buy it. Even removing them from this, is that the kind of role model you want to be for the children? Teach them that violence is the way to work out there problems? That ego and proving your manhood is how to get satisfaction? Plus, who says he got aways with it? Do we know what his wife and children thought of all this? His wife might be asking him questions now and he might be having to answer to her.

Sex involves two people and thus should involve the mutual enjoyment of both parties. If one person is not enjoying it, then it shouldn't be happening. You are not a toy or object. You are a person with your own thoughts, feelings, and desires. A loving partner should be trying to make the experience good for you, not leaving you feeling worse afterwards. Don't accept this. Let him know it's not acceptable. Make clear that the porn is causing a problem and see if you can figure out why he's turn to it so much. And if he would rather have the porn then the real woman he is with, then he can have it. You deserve better.

I think I said this in your last post, it takes as long as it needs to take. There's no timeframe and it's different for everyone. It's not even linear, where one day it's all better. Eventually you will go through a day where it isn't on your mind. Then the next you might feel terrible, like you are starting all over. But you will get better in time. Yes, it might be way more time then we would like. But it does get better. And it does sound like you are moving in the right direction. So keep pushing forward. Two steps forward for every one back. It's taken me months to get over someone. Even then hearing a particular song for years would take me right back too all those memories and questions, sadness and regret. Even when I had long accepted what happened and even realized us not being together was a good thing, I could still be swept away by those emotions. But it got to the point where it wasn't hurtful as much as it was nostalgic. I could separate the negative feelings that held me back from the postive memories and lessons I took from the experience. Eventually, you'll get there too. Normal is what you make it to be. It's not about anyone else's definition, it's what you define it to be for you. So do the things you want to do. Do what the things that make you feel good and puts a smile on your face. And if you need time to stop and reflect, or even to have a good cry, take it. Just don't drown yourself in the tears.

Yogacat, your thread reminded me of another song. Think this says it all. So don't be afraid to cry get down as far as you can go / Let the river rage on by and the wind blow If you pay your dues in darkness / You'll appreciate the light Cause a deep down low makes level feel so high

How long do you believe this has been going on? Have there been other issues in the marriage? Without more information on her or your relationship, don't think it's fair to judge her to harshly for her actions. I believe cheating is a way of distracting yourself from facing other issues that you may not want to face. For her, there is something missing, either in the relationship or simply within her. There is a hole in her life and she's trying to fill it. Perhaps after 14 years of marriage and raising four children, she's longing for something else to break out of the routine of being wife and mother? How much else does she have going on? Does she work? Have any close friends? Activities that are just for her and not about the family? Maybe she's missing the excitement of her younger days. It could be any number of reasons, and it probably isn't aimed at hurting you. That, of course, doesn't make it right or make it hurt any less. While I understand the pain you must be in, please try to be civil. At this point, I think the top prioirty should be doing what's best for the children. They are innocent in all this and are the ones that need to be taken care of. They can also be the bright spot that brings you joy in an otherwise bad time. And I would tell the other guys wife, if she doesn't know already. It's not fair to her to be left in the dark. Their home is already broken, she just hasn't been informed of it yet.

Ever heard of the Five Love Languages? https://5lovelanguages.com/learn Not everybody expresses their feelings in the same manner. Some people are much more verbal in expressing their feelings. They will have have no problem saying the word love or any number of compliments expressing their feelings. Others may not be as comfortable, preferring their actions to do the talking for them. It seems he might not be big on talking about emotions. He takes for granted that you'll know because of how things currently stand. In his mind, if you were exclusive, that was a way of saying how he felt. Formally asking to be his girlfriend may have felt unnecssary. To him, obviously he cared for you a lot because he was willing to only be with you. I'm also curious what his past relationship history is like. Or what kind of relationships has he been around (parents, family, close friends, etc.). Could there be something he's seen that would make him cautious of using the word love? None of this is to say you are wrong in your feelings. If you feel it, then it's real and valid. If it's been a year, I would want to be clear on where things stand as well. I would hope the person would be able to say they love me. But I also know there are a million reasons why people do what they do that may not be a reflection of how they feel about me. I'd look at the whole relationship. Is he showing you that he loves you? Does he do the little things that show he thinks of you and is trying to make you happy? Does he demonstrate that he really knows you, the person you are at your core? Does he remember things about you? And most importantly, is this enough for you or do need that more verbal aspect? If you feel you need more from him, talk it over with him. He may not realize that's a problem simply because it's not how his mind works. And if you still can't make it work, it's okay to walk away. We all deserve someone to love us the way we need to be loved.

For what it's worth, I went back and looked at your last post on her and the message you wanted to send her. I didn't have a problem with it. I thought it was a sweet gesture and something a supportive friend would do. I've done something similar in the past and it was well received. How something is written isn't as important as the thought and feeling behind it. If it comes from a place of honesty and compassion, the actual words/length/style is secondary. And the ultimate goal is to make the receipt feel better. So it's not about what others would write, it's about what you want to say and want you think that particular person would want to hear. Some like flowery language, others don't. As long as it made her smile, that's what mattered.

Armyguy, if nothing is working maybe the only thing left is to just do nothing? You can't force yourself to stop having feelings for someone. You can't force her to like you back, no matter what you do. You can't force yourself to be interested in anyone else. These things have to happen on it's own when it's right. In trying to plan things out and figure out how you are suppose to do everything, you're just putting more pressure on yourself. So when things don't happen as you'd like, it just becomes more fustrating for you. That fustration then leads you to overthink and plan for. Thus a cycle of neverending fustration is born. As contradictory as it sounds, I've found doing nothing is often the best course of action. Just be you and do what you internal feel is the right thing to do. I've been advised in the past to move on and meet someone else. But my heart wasn't ready for it. I've been advised how to interact with a woman. And yet, I knew what they said wasn't right for that particular woman. I'm glad I didn't listen because I ended up with some great experiences by following my own way. You've tried all these other pieces of advice, talk about what other people say you should do. But that's what others believe. In the end, we have to follow our own heart and do what's right for us.

Always felt this helped put things in perspective: I won't break my back for a million bucks / I can't take to my grave So why put off for tomorrow / What I could get done today Catch up on all the things I've always missed / Just start livin', that's the next thing on my list

From what I've seen I think some people tend to have addicitive personalities. They throw themselves into whatever thier focus is on. I imagine an alcoholic might be prone to this. I've also known former alcoholics to do it with religion, becoming devout and born again. I understand wanting to do a good job with your work. I especially understand feeling like leaving things to others means they won't be done properly. But you can't do or control everything. Trying to will eventually burn you out. My best friend became so stressed over work it made her sick to the point she ended up in the hospital. That wouldn't help anyone - you, your family, or your co-workers. Everyone needs to take time for themselves and appreciate what really matters in life. There will always be more work to do, another meeting or presentation. The business will keep on going, trading out workers as needed. But your children are only young for so long. Don't lose the moments with them. When you look back on life it's those moments that will mean the most. Make time for them. Family comes first.

Sorry that happened. File it under "not meant to be" and know there are plenty of other guys out there that will keep in touch and initiate. You'll find someone better suited for you who will be able to fit you into their schedule.

Thanks for the article. I know I used to hear jokes about all her songs being about breakups with people she dated, but it actually makes sense. She's good at taking real personal feeling and putting them down in a way others can relate to. Haven't followed her in years, but most of the songs I did like from her tended to be the sadder ones. I'll take the heartache in Back to December over the rainbows and unicorns of Me. Well said. Life is the full spectrum of emotions. Sometimes you to connect with the down to appreciate the good.