not 19 yet and thinking about suicide

[PrincessLuXLu]

I am turning 19 on sept. 29 and not sure if i want to live to see my birthday. There is too much pain in my life and i don't care to feel anymore. All i feel is agony and pain. My heart is already shredded into little pieces and there is no cure. My mom is emotionally unstable because my dad is still cheating on her. She constantly yells at me and my brother. My dad is just a psycho that don't bring much money home because he is taking care of his other family. My mom doesn't want to divorce him. After i moved because of my mom not working because of my dad, i have left my old neighborhood and my friends. My best friend had to move away to florida because she has a baby. i have been with the same guy for almost 3 years, the only thing that keeps me alive so far. We haven't been in a very good relationship for a year and a half and argue constantly. We also had done things that hurt each other (not intentionally). My boyfriend already has his life set. I feel like a burden because i feel i am slowing him down and i know sooner or later he is going to leave me again. I love this guy to death though. i feel as though i have nobody and is being punished for something. basically, i have no friends, no family, no soul mate, and no future (didn't finish highschool). I am also dillusional and i keep thinking that i am not in my own body and keep thinking that i had a body switch or something. Please don't laugh, this is some serious stuff. I feel as though i am going insane. i am always nervous, anxious, fearful, and depressed. i hate myself, i hate my family, and i hate everybody almost. most of all i hate my mind and my so called useless piece of nothing life. i seriously am considering about suicide. i have throughout the summer, and my mental image of everything is basically psychotic. i want to jump off the roof and land on a car to show everyone the pain i feel. i don't even know who i am anymore anyway. i know i belong in a mental institute and actually don't mind going. but with what money? if god can only take my soul from my body and let me die a peaceful death.

[SweetypieEnlightenedOne]

Have you read any of my post to you? Im very surprised to hear you say these things. You must not have picked up any books I suggested..because there is a way out without having to take yourself out. You sound like you have a mental depression condition....Have you taken any advice you have read...?

[Black Pheonyxx]

I can honestly tell you God isn't punishing you. He may be trying to get your attention but no it isn't His style. As for dying I call tell you the process takes longer than you think. I had a serious heart condition and several times they stopped my heart no other 10 seconds of my life have ever been so painful. I could sit here and tell you all about how much your body does not want to die how it fights it with or with out your consent. I don't think you really want to know. If you do just ask I still remember it.

I could sit here and tell you about how it would affect the people you don't know care. That friend now in Florida, all the old gang you used to laugh with, the guy you are with. I know what it feels like to be left behind. I know the guilt involved, the endless sorrow, those molments you want to pick up the phone and call to share some wonder I just felt only to realize there will never again be some one on the other end of the line. Then again if you kill your self you won't care if they are hurt.

Have you thought about the after life? What is out there when you are here no more? Is what the bible says true are you going to face a perfect and flawless God and the son he send to save you from the pain in this world and the one after? Will you be reincarnated as another person or perhaps an animal? Will you simple stop, nothing left behind.

Are you sure you don't want to live beyond 19. I didn't I lost the body I loved the ability to dance I can barely hold a note any more but I am glad I didn't let the pain win. I have a beautiful daughter who can have everything I didn't. I know there is going to be one person who will love me, her because I will show her the love I never got. I still get to enjoy sunsets, ice cream, chocolate. A great movie, the sweet melodies played in the park. Do you realize in the U.S. you aren't old enough to go to a club or buy alchohol? You'll miss that I can tell you. and the people here care watch as people stop to read what you post. Watch the number go up. Don't worry about what they say think about it in a more basic way, they care enough to stop and listen. Don't give up sweet one life has alot to endure but there are things worth fighting for. Simple sweet things you will miss. I hope you reconcider things. I would hate to see a life so new snuffed out before it's time and that is what suicide is really about giving up on joy and hope on love and the joy of spitting in the face of every one who said you couldn't do it. I think you can and I don't even know you. There is fight left in you remember it feel it throbbing in your beast. It burns low but it survives. You came here didn't you. Don't lose that fire feed it watch as it consumes those things that would hold you down. A boyfriend can be replaced strangers can some times understand better than those who are to close to see clearly. And just so you know you are never alone never again not so long as there are people like sweetypie and I. I am nothing spectacular but I am here and on yahoo and msn there are hundreds of us out here in the wide world are you sure you wouldn't like to met us. In the shoe store we will say things about the nice way your hair looks today, or walk up and help you with your groceries, let you in at that intersection and wave. Smile as you walk by and nod. wave even if we have never seen you before in our lives. We are every where but often time we are silent figures in the back ground. You aren't alone and no you aren't silly or stupid or any of those terrible things. sweetypie may be right you may have a simple food reaction that happens you know, some people eat strawberries and have migraines so bad they see things that aren't there. Then again you may have a chemical inbalance that causes you to be more sensative than others. Some people have stronger emotional reactions to thingsthe pain is bigger the hurt seems to last longer, these people also can feel the love the generosity the curiosity more accutely than normal. there are thousands of places and doctors who spend hours reading emails from people online they can help you find help if you have a physical reason for the accuteness of your pain. Life has too may perks to give up on just cause your co existing persons suck. I am online alot if you ever wanna talk I have a big mouth it is my most prominate feature. you can see it any where in the world. I happen to hold the record for longest babble in the universe. I know the judges all begged me to shut up and take the award and go home. I have accually talked till my jaw hurt and not stopped there. So before you deside I am some lunitic I will sit back and pray you read this and know I care.