Black Pheonyxx

You have to understand I live with a ghost, in a strange sense of the word, the ghost is his ex-wife. No she is still alive but she abused him phychologically emotionally and at times physically. Then She told him she wanted a divorce, and on top of that she forced her daughters whom he helped raise to lie to him about the affair she was having during thier seperation before the divorce was complete. He was deeply scarred but her and her calous ways. She didn't just want a divorce she wanted to use his love for 2 girls he concidered his children to get money from him The man she was sleeping with was his best friend, the one whom he would turn to during this time to seek solance. As we get farther and farther into our lives it is becoming increasingly more difficult to show my love for him and yet not kill those things that make me me at the same time. He once called me his falcon always soaring the skies never letting the swamp that life throws at me get me down. He referred to himself as the soldier always slogging forward through mud muck rain forest and sand. He said I kept him from losing sight of the fact that every swamp has an end and must give way to the forest, and that he kept me from flying so high I lose sight of my goals. this is no longer true for us. This fact is what makes my life so difficult he won't let me fly so I die and even though I could get away from him easily I love him so much that I fight to get him to see rather than leave. I am a christian, I do not believe that a person should jump into marriage nor should they concider divorce unless there are serious reasons to do so, violence against ones person, child abuse, and unrepentant infidelity (repeat cheating). and even then time must be give to one self and the relationship to see if healing can occur, it may or may not. I have none of these reasons, we fight yes but the harsh words are said filled with pain no maliciously, heverges on worshipful love of our child, and he isn't cappable of cheating on me it isn't something he can do I wonder some time if he wants too but to be honest when the fresh flush of anger passes I find no proof even whn I search for it. I can not tell you to stay or go I don't know you both well enough to say. I wish I did I would like to help after all I am a busy body of the non-intrusive kind strange though that may seem strange and contradictory. Be well Netman I have you and your Lady in my thoughts.

I can honestly tell you God isn't punishing you. He may be trying to get your attention but no it isn't His style. As for dying I call tell you the process takes longer than you think. I had a serious heart condition and several times they stopped my heart no other 10 seconds of my life have ever been so painful. I could sit here and tell you all about how much your body does not want to die how it fights it with or with out your consent. I don't think you really want to know. If you do just ask I still remember it. I could sit here and tell you about how it would affect the people you don't know care. That friend now in Florida, all the old gang you used to laugh with, the guy you are with. I know what it feels like to be left behind. I know the guilt involved, the endless sorrow, those molments you want to pick up the phone and call to share some wonder I just felt only to realize there will never again be some one on the other end of the line. Then again if you kill your self you won't care if they are hurt. Have you thought about the after life? What is out there when you are here no more? Is what the bible says true are you going to face a perfect and flawless God and the son he send to save you from the pain in this world and the one after? Will you be reincarnated as another person or perhaps an animal? Will you simple stop, nothing left behind. Are you sure you don't want to live beyond 19. I didn't I lost the body I loved the ability to dance I can barely hold a note any more but I am glad I didn't let the pain win. I have a beautiful daughter who can have everything I didn't. I know there is going to be one person who will love me, her because I will show her the love I never got. I still get to enjoy sunsets, ice cream, chocolate. A great movie, the sweet melodies played in the park. Do you realize in the U.S. you aren't old enough to go to a club or buy alchohol? You'll miss that I can tell you. and the people here care watch as people stop to read what you post. Watch the number go up. Don't worry about what they say think about it in a more basic way, they care enough to stop and listen. Don't give up sweet one life has alot to endure but there are things worth fighting for. Simple sweet things you will miss. I hope you reconcider things. I would hate to see a life so new snuffed out before it's time and that is what suicide is really about giving up on joy and hope on love and the joy of spitting in the face of every one who said you couldn't do it. I think you can and I don't even know you. There is fight left in you remember it feel it throbbing in your beast. It burns low but it survives. You came here didn't you. Don't lose that fire feed it watch as it consumes those things that would hold you down. A boyfriend can be replaced strangers can some times understand better than those who are to close to see clearly. And just so you know you are never alone never again not so long as there are people like sweetypie and I. I am nothing spectacular but I am here and on yahoo and msn there are hundreds of us out here in the wide world are you sure you wouldn't like to met us. In the shoe store we will say things about the nice way your hair looks today, or walk up and help you with your groceries, let you in at that intersection and wave. Smile as you walk by and nod. wave even if we have never seen you before in our lives. We are every where but often time we are silent figures in the back ground. You aren't alone and no you aren't silly or stupid or any of those terrible things. sweetypie may be right you may have a simple food reaction that happens you know, some people eat strawberries and have migraines so bad they see things that aren't there. Then again you may have a chemical inbalance that causes you to be more sensative than others. Some people have stronger emotional reactions to thingsthe pain is bigger the hurt seems to last longer, these people also can feel the love the generosity the curiosity more accutely than normal. there are thousands of places and doctors who spend hours reading emails from people online they can help you find help if you have a physical reason for the accuteness of your pain. Life has too may perks to give up on just cause your co existing persons suck. I am online alot if you ever wanna talk I have a big mouth it is my most prominate feature. you can see it any where in the world. I happen to hold the record for longest babble in the universe. I know the judges all begged me to shut up and take the award and go home. I have accually talked till my jaw hurt and not stopped there. So before you deside I am some lunitic I will sit back and pray you read this and know I care.

the other part is that we have been fighting more and more lately and he has a really nasty habit of bringing divorce into it he always seems to find a reason to tell me I want a divorce. Unfortunately he doesn't seem to realize that I can't fight that I break he wins by the simple means of scaring the fight out of me. I end up trying everything to convince him I don't want a divorce I stop trying to reach a conclusion to the accually reason for the fight.

We aren't in a strickly speaking support group it is a place to post things we write you know short stories poetry random thoughts.

I guess I will just jump right into this. I was supposed to get some ifo from my husbands email which I did. Not a problem went as planned. After I left his email I was just sort of wondering around our favorites list. I entered what I thought would be a poem or poetry site. It wasn't it was a private message board for him and another member of our group. At first I just signed out and left it alone but the topics the words used well they stuck in my head. After a few minutes I went back. Okay I was wrong to invade his privacy. Now I have this information about a very dangerous situation and I have no idea what to do with it. He it seems is being himself supportive encouraging and generous. She on the other hand seems to be falling in love with him if not already deeping enamored. I know something about her she is very often depressed and feels a great self loathing, she is in a great deal of pain and I am afraid that she may feel too strongly for my husband and I am afraid he may have feelings for her as well. I am not saying this very well and I am sorry I just don't know how to talk about it. I never expected to feel this way or to have a reason even in my own mind to feel his way.

I love my husband deeply, which is why it hurts so bad, but now most of the day I feel numb sort of hollow. Used to be we had our spats, which were stupid little things easily solved fitting of the name spat, disagreements, we just had different oppinions mostly on things like fashion and how I thought he should take better care of his body, and then there were the fights, few and far between they took a couple hours to sort out but they always ended well. we could find a comprimise and we never ever came within a foot of each other so as to prevent intimidation. then we well...I am not really sure when it started I can't remember the first one... I try not to hold onto those sort of things. I have to admit that I have done some pretty mean things to him in the past. I hate telling him anything even remotely bad (i.e. the bill for such and such we more than expected, we got a bill I wasn't expecting, I screwed up the check book again) So by omision I would lie to him. Just not tell him that the bill was so big that sort of thing. I am trying very hard not to be timid with the bad news. I also am very forgetful. I have never been anything but, I write lists now and stick them on the bathroom mirror. But I still can't seem to get him to see the changes I have made. I get up get him ready for work kiss him bye and spend my day fighting internally as well as taking care of our 16 month old baby. He comes home spends a few minutes with the baby and then disappears into the spare bed room or gets online or goes next door to his parents till dinner time then back again when dinners done. When we do talk we end up fighting and he calls me childish, gets right in my face screaming, curses at me, and the one thing I can't fight the one thing that I have no defense against, he says he will devorce me. Starts screaming how I must want a divorce because of the way I treat him. I am a nautrally flirtatious person I am constantly on edge now around any guy save my own brother. I am try God I am trying please I don't know how to show him how much I love him I can't seem to prove it to him. Some one please give me something to try. I will not let this marriage die! I can't Bri needs us and I need him.

See I have taste in clothing, my husband does not. HE HE HE I dress to be comfortable and at the same time I want people (men and women) to look at us and say "man is he lucky or what". It makes me feel good. It makes him look good. AND it proves that old saying "looks aren't everything because dear loving hubby wheres nothing but jeans and t-shirts. Exept on sunday when he'll wear a polo or if i nag a short sleeve button up. He is a quintisental red neck in appearance only. Plus all women wether they act on it or not like to play dress up

Johnny Princess is right. I know I don't like my hair as long as it is so I am going to cut about 6 inches off and send them to locks for love.(its a group that makes wigs for kids with cancer) I had a medical problem all better now but during that time I went from 129 Lbs to 220 in the first 6 months. I hated it I still am not where i was but I am working on it. Any way my point is I may not be what I want to be but there is a certain satifaction in the getting there. Try something little first, once you succeed (and there is a possibility that you will have to try more than once) you will find your stronger and better than you think.

I think that dating for a young person is a way to learn how to deal with the opposite sex. As complicated as our "mating rituals" can get dating as a teenager helps us learn how to approach the opposite sex. We gather information and use it to weed out all the incompatible people in this world. Each of us has specific taste the only way to learn what we want and what we like is to date. Some times we date people and break up rather quickly, because although they seemed interesting they weren't compatible with our moral stand point or our social views or our personality in general. It is must better for us to date casually than to jump in the bed or run off and get married every time we get fuzzy feelings. Who we marry is very important because it is supposed to be for life. Getting to know a person helps us understand our own likes and dislikes and helps keep the number of mother or fatherless children down not to mention the divorce rate. I hope I didn't babble to much. As I see it this is why dating is important, and it isn't a stupid question it is a very good question. Thought provoking.

That was a really guttsy thing you did. Kudos! I hope she lets you know what is going on in her heart and in her head, cause it is very difficult not knowing. Stay sweet.

YES I have been married for 4 years now and every once in a while I get that "what if" feeling and start missing some one I used to date more than 7 years ago. Once you love some one a part of you always will. It takes alot of effort to hate some one and only slightly less to stop loving them.

(giggling just a little) It took a minute to translate is all darling. AHHH The love triangle. Been there seen that will see it again garanteed. The one in the muddle needs to talk to the one they are with. I had a girl friend of mine break up with one guy and be set up by the same with another guy she liked that was a friend to both. No one should stay in a dating relationship with a person they aren't attacted to if they just do not wish to hurt them. In the end they will leave it is just a matter of how much damage will be done before then. I know I did it once a long time ago. VERY BAD IDEA. Go for it save the time and pain. Tell um to stop acting like thier married or something and to just enjoy each others company. Your TOOOO young to be so serious!!!

Depends on the people involved as well as the situation itself. For instense me and two of my girl friends are at the store we link arms and skip to the doors laughing and singing (badly) "we're off to see the wizard", that is not flirting. Then we have situation number two a man and a woman are in the same situation the woman reaches out and takes his hand there is no joke there no intention of jest, that is flirting.Where the kiss is placed is very importanta quick peck on the cheek with a short firm embrass is a greeting between sibblings and relatives or very close friends. A slow kiss or lingering embrass is deffinitely flirting. Yes it is very hard to say which one is which so in uncertain company say that of some one who may miss understand it is ussual best to share a brief hug and let it go at that. If it is your date that is giving you grief after the hug reasure them but innitiating contact with them link arms or hands to let it be know you are with some one.

Well you don't like your self why? That is the first and bigger problem as I see it. Alot of people don't like them selves and unfortunately have very active social lives. Ussually with people who treat them badly and take advantage of them. Don't worry about us women one of us if not 3 or 4 or 10 will come around. We have this predominate group that is obsessed with helping others and making others feel good about them selves. Why cause it feels good. Then again you may be looking at the wrong women. If you don't mind me asking what is it about yourself that you don't like?

Hi Joel hummm yours is an interesting delema. My oppinion is to try writing it out a few times sort through your emotions. It isn't easy wear that mask I know I wore one for over a decade. My mask was very hummm well I was strange and very blunt. I didn't want people to know how afraid I was. It wasn't until I became a christian and met my husband that I began to peek around the edges, so to speak. I am not saying that you should go on some religious quest or run out and get married but if this Christi is as sweet as you say she may be the start. Try taking her off to the side and talk or do something sweet. What that something is depends on you and her. Any suggestions I might make now would be premature. I wouldn't mind talking if you want to pm me.