My very long story... I'm the one who ruined it.

[WantHope]

Okay, so here’s my story. I am desperate for any advice, I'm an emotional wreck and I'm the one at fault.

 

He and I met in High School when we were both 16. We are now 30, dated for 7 years before marrying, married 7 years, and have three young kids, ages 6, almost 4, almost 2.

 

We tried to do everything “right”… ie. Waiting seven years to marry since we started dating young. We were a strong couple, best friends, thought nothing could ever tear us apart. But I was insecure, and never really trusted that he married me because I was the “one” versus just the one that he’d known since he was 16. He grew up in an abusive household and I was the one that helped him through being kicked out at 16, living on his own, helped him cosign for his first truck, I carried us financially almost the entire time, until I went on maternity leave with our third kid.

 

We were sexually experimental – we said we wanted to experiment and discover things together – so we started going to couples parties and tried different things. And even though it sounded so idyllic – I was still insecure and didn’t know if this was just his way of being with other girls without feeling like cheating. We played around, but never actually had intercourse with anyone else other than each other.

 

Overall, I was always the more vocal partner – actually, too vocal. He started to feel controlled and stopped voicing when he was upset, to avoid the confrontation.

 

He also has a temper and feels it’s okay to say however he feels, no matter how hurtful it may be. He doesn’t care about tact or the consequences of his words, feeling justified that he’s “just being honest”. I’m the diplomat, always worrying about how my words will be taken and trying hard to not be hurtful on purpose.

 

After our second child, I had nagging suspicions that he had cheated on me, but never had any proof. I delved completely into “mommy mode” and he let me. We stopped working on being friends. My husband was still into the swinging idea, and kept telling me “If there’s a guy you want to sleep with, just tell me and we’ll do it.”. I didn’t believe that he was actually okay with it, I didn’t trust that he knew what he was asking for. I denied wanting to be with another man. In the meantime, I became close with a guy at work, started confiding in him about my relationship and other intimate info and eventually it turned into a sexual encounter. We “hooked up” (no sex) one night and then distanced ourselves for about the next month. I couldn’t believe what I had done and felt horrible. Then after happy hour one night, he asked me to follow him to a local park and we had our 2nd sexual encounter, which included unprotected sex for about 5 minutes of the experience. I stopped sex, but continued/finished with oral. Two days later I found out I was pregnant (with the timing of everything, I knew the baby was my husbands, as pregnancy tests don’t show up positive two days after sex.) The park I mentioned also happened to be the same place that my husband and I had one of our own first sexual experiences when we were 16.

 

So, I was a cheater. I was guilt ridden. I can’t even explain how ashamed I was (still am) of myself. And now I was newly pregnant again. But, rather than going overboard to make it up to my husband, I became emotional and paranoid and started obsessing that since I could cheat, he could too. I started watching him, invading his privacy and accusing him of cheating (I even tried to tell him once that a girl admitted the affair to me and all he had to do was admit it – it wasn’t true, I was just trying to “flush” the story out, I guess).

 

Eventually, all this crazy behavior pushed him further away. And he had always suspected that I had cheated with the guy from work, although I denied it.

 

Since we still pretended that everything was okay (I wasn’t going to admit the affair and he had stopped voicing his upsets), we started with the swinging stuff again after my 3rd baby was about a year old. It started with an occasional threesome (without sex between him and the other girl) and turned into almost a full relationship between the three of us. I became very insecure and tried to stop it, but my husband didn’t really listen to my concerns and felt I was being dramatic and jealous. After all, we were still both pretending, and he kept saying we were strong and I shouldn’t be jealous.

 

In October, we fought before going out to hang with friends, and he left. He hasn’t been back since. He didn’t even know I had cheated on him. He said he left because I needed to change and stop being so dramatic and to start showing him that I valued his feelings.

 

Five weeks later, we were still in complete turmoil and I said I had had enough and we were done. This was the week of my husbands birthday. At a friends birthday party, I saw an old guy friend from work and made out with him. I then started dating him for the next two weeks. To make matters worse, this was a guy my husband had known and despised, especially since this guy had threatened to kick my husbands *ss a couple years back. I didn’t pick him specifically because my husband hated him, but I’m sure I was trying to hurt him. Truth is, I knew this guy wanted me and I wouldn’t be rejected. And for five weeks I felt completely love starved and abandoned. I needed to be held and this guy was convenient. I know it was wrong. I just could barely stand it when we lived together and he’d spend a night on the couch, nonetheless having left me and our kids for five weeks, not even letting me know where he was staying. He said I had been too controlling up until then and he was done letting me have any control.

 

The next day after I made out with this new guy, my husband came to me and asked if we were “free to date other people”. I said Yes, since he had left and had told me over and over how much he hated me. During these two weeks that I dated this guy, my husband and I talked, went to our daughters recital, had business issues to talk about, etc, so we were around each other a bit. He would be hot and cold with me, sometimes saying he was “trying” and when I’d ask him what he was trying for, he’d say he didn’t know. We had sex even though supposedly we were over, and I still dated this other guy, without my husband knowing. At the end of the two weeks, my husband came over to see the kids and was very affectionate with me. I didn’t know what to think. After the kids went to bed, he wanted to cuddle, then told me that if we were to have any future, he needed the truth and wanted to know if I had cheated with him or not with the first guy from my work. He said whatever I told him, we could work through it. I confessed that I hooked up with him (the first encounter) and then even brought up the fact that I was dating someone. I only told him bits and pieces of information, lying about who the new guy was and didn’t admit to having sex with the first guy. He called both guys – he told the new guy to leave me alone at least until we had actually filed for divorce – and when he talked to the first guy, the first guy was the one who admitted we had sex. What a mess. Over the next four days, I finally confessed all the details of everything, down to the most specific and graphic detail. I got tested for STD’s and am clear.

 

That was four months ago. Remember the girl that we had our threesomes with? Well, she was upset with me too, took his side and has been there to comfort him. They are now very close, even though he swears they haven’t done anything and are not dating.

 

It has been a horrible excruciating road – and I know it is much worse for him. He’s so consumed with anger, theres times he is caring and other times that he tells me I’m a wh*re, that I’m worthless, that my love doesn’t matter after knowing what I’ve done.

 

This is the thing – I want him back. I want my family back. I don’t want my kids to grow up between two parents. I’ve hurt so many people that I just can not look at myself hardly.

 

He says that if I can be “better”, then yes, he does want a future with me. But that I have to change the controlling side of me, I have to show that I respect his feelings, and that somehow I have to show him that he can trust me. He says the thing about “time” is b.s. and he needs to see something tangible.

 

Every conversation we have, he wants to relive all the horrible things I’ve done and keeps telling me that I don’t get it, that I don’t understand what I’ve taken away. I keep saying that I do know and I regret it, but I still believe that we can work through this and have the future we were meant to have.

 

Obviously, things could not have continued as they were. Something had to change. I guess that’s why I confessed to the cheating. I couldn’t go back to how things were, I wanted our relationship to finally be honest. We have worked out a lot in this time, talked about things we didn’t even dare to discuss before. We are so honest with each other that it can be painful. I am sticking it out because I believe that we can finally make each other happy, without all the b.s. and games.

 

He says he’s not sure. He says he needs to see that I’m better before he can even consider classifying our relationship as “dating”. But yet, we still have sex, talk about our relationship, see or talk to each other every day and share three kids together. No one has filed for divorce. This is not just “friends”.

 

My biggest weakness right now is that I’m an emotional wreck and I keep telling him that I love him, I miss him, I need him. And it seems to just push him away a little more.

 

I’ve had to learn a lot about myself. I’ve had to accept complete responsibility for cheating and I own the consequences. I just pray the ultimate consequence isn’t losing him altogether. I know the choice is not mine. I know that I could never cheat again – it is possible to do it, but the amount of pain it has inflicted I just could never allow to happen again. I’m just so lost. He’s been my everything for so long, he’s the father of my children, my love, my world. I know that I deserve his hatred and anger… but when he says that he does want to be with me if I can show him something tangible, I search and struggle for what that might be. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t had a social life at all since he found out, I’ve given him my email passwords, I’ve changed phone numbers, I’ve deleted my myspace account, I am with the kids 24/7, while he is living somewhere else and has the freedom to see the kids or me at his leisure. He says that none of these things show him anything. I’ve done better at listening to him, and have made good progress at not being controlling, but I still have work to do. He says its not good enough. But he still says he loves me.

 

I know that I’m a horrible person who has made horrible mistakes, but I still hope for my life back and a chance to show him that I have changed. He seems stuck and confused and I’m completely miserable. If there is any advice you can give me, I would be very grateful. My family is sick of hearing about it and I’m very alone.

 

Does it seem like there is a chance to make it work?

[Cute Band Rat]

WantHope, first off, pull yourself together for YOU. You need to take advantage of this separation and improve yourself. Whatever that means. Get counseling.....whatever. In fact i would go as far as to say, you NEED this break and it is for the best. Then, I would insist on couples counseling.

You both have betrayed each other beyond comrehension. You are NOT the only one at fault here either. Don;t let him bully you into thinking you are. He has done just as much damage to the marriage as you have.

I think this forum will be very helpful to you.....Stick around...

[1forthegipper]

Cute Band Rat..... Well put!!!!

 

WantHope,

 

I hate to say this but the moment you and the husband opened the door to evil such as "the swinging lifestyle" was as good feeding your love a bottle full of poison.. NOTHING good can come of disgracing marriage vows with sharing your partners or infedility... I don't mean to be harsh but there is a hard lesson to be learned here.. When you married your love you devoted your love and your heart to your partner for better or for worse...

 

Take this time to regroup, learn about yourself and what it is that you want for YOUR life and YOUR happiness. Both of you have made some terrible mistakes and as cute band rat has said, it's not ALL your fault..he's to blame in this mess too.. Think of your children, they come first... Once you take some time alone and your husband is willing to go to counseling...GO!!!!!!! and listen and learn and give yourself and your marriage the respect that it deserves!!!!

 

Have you cut ALL contact with the people you were seeing other than your ex???..and the truth please!!!

 

Tha Gipp

[WantHope]

Cute Band Rat..... Well put!!!!

 

Once you take some time alone and your husband is willing to go to counseling...GO!!!!!!! and listen and learn and give yourself and your marriage the respect that it deserves!!!!

 

Have you cut ALL contact with the people you were seeing other than your ex???..and the truth please!!!

 

Tha Gipp

 

Yes, I have cut all contact with the other guys, honestly.

 

And he did agree to counseling (finally) - we had our first session last week - and he hated the counselor, thought she was an idiot and says he'll never try again, new counselor or not.

 

I do not know what to do!!

 

Thank you for having the compassion to try to help!

[WantHope]

WantHope, first off, pull yourself together for YOU. You need to take advantage of this separation and improve yourself.

 

You both have betrayed each other beyond comrehension. You are NOT the only one at fault here either. Don;t let him bully you into thinking you are. He has done just as much damage to the marriage as you have.

 

Thank you for hearing my long, crazy story and for trying to help! I'm so lost. Does it seem like we have a chance?

 

The hard thing is - I don't know what to do to pull myself together - Its like I don't know how to be me, without him. When I'm with him, I'm strong, even independent. Without him I'm a mess.

 

And when you say that you think he's done things to -- it's hard for me to see it or be angry with him, because Im so guilt ridden and scared to lose him. Does this make any sense?

[Cute Band Rat]

WantHope, please hang in there. Even if HE won't go to counseling ..I suggest YOU continue going alone. This is about YOU and your well being right now. Your kids need a mother who is stable..and well adjusted. How can you focus on your kids with all this????? PLEASE stay in counseling.......

[Cute Band Rat]

You start by taking care of #1.......YOU. You have to remember..you guys have been together since adolesense. That is a LOOOOOONG time. People

outgrow each other........it happens all the time. DO NOT beat yourself up over this. This guy..MAY or MAY NOT be the man you end up with.......

but that cannot be your focus. Right now...focus on taking care of yourself.....and your children. Your husband can fend fend for himself.. (OBVIOUSLY). Calm down................and breathe. This is the first day...of the rest of you life...

[WantHope]

You start by taking care of #1.......YOU. You have to remember..you guys have been together since adolesense. That is a LOOOOOONG time. People

outgrow each other........it happens all the time. DO NOT beat yourself up over this. This guy..MAY or MAY NOT be the man you end up with.......

but that cannot be your focus. Right now...focus on taking care of yourself.....and your children. Your husband can fend fend for himself.. (OBVIOUSLY). Calm down................and breathe. This is the first day...of the rest of you life...

 

 

Thank you for your compassion. I will try.