What did I do???

[Beaker5]

Oh man,

This is what I get for looking for trouble. I was on myspace just looking at random profiles that are associated with my ex boyfriend and I ran into his best friend and on his best friend's page, I saw HER picture there. My ex's girl that he left me for...so that caused a total breakdown.

I'm starting to wonder if there is something mentally wrong with me. Am I depressed? I feel horrible and it's been so long since the breakup. I just want to be happy and I want my chemical peel and my surgery and maybe even to die during my surgery. I don't know. I'm so tired of everything damnit...why should he be happy and I never be happy. It's just not fair. I don't want this pain anymore. I want happiness too.

[bear12]

beaker, well if there is something wrong with you, there is something wrong with me too, and i like to think that we're at least somewhat "normal" people! although i do think that maybe we tend to dwell on things a bit more than other people and maybe put ourselves through a lot of extra pain by purposely looking at stuff that reminds us of them, etc, etc. and we should probably learn to stop doing that! (but it might be for a variety of other reasons other than character flaws! i didn't do this my last break up! i think it has more to do with how it happened, how big of a shock it was, what other hard things may have been going on in your life at the time) you can't beat yourself up for not being over it yet...

 

seeing a pic of my ex's new gf would throw me for a loop too!!! in fact, when i first found out about her my initial reaction was not so far from "i want to die." either.

 

this is why (as i'm sure you've learned now!) you shouldn't look at his my space page, etc. i know the temptation to snoop is overwhelming at times.. b/c you want to see evidence that he's not happy, misses you, etc, etc. but there's always the risk you'll find the exact opposite and that's devestatingly painful, i know. the next time you have the urge, try to remember how terrible you feel right now.

 

second, i KNOW it's not supposed to matter how your ex is feeling b/c you're supposed to not be thinking about them and moving on, etc, etc. but b/c i'm not strong enough to do that completely yet, i at least find it helpful to remember that just b/c he's outwardly moving on and appearing happy, that doesn't necessarily reflect what he's feeling deep inside (and mine, in fact, has admitted this to me- that he's just better than me at hiding his emotions). somehow knowing it's hard on him too makes me feel less alone in my pain- even if we're not talking to each other!

 

hugs!

[Beaker5]

thanks so much bear

I'm just tired of caring and of everything...I just want to change myself but I have to wait. I hate myself and I feel as if I'm never going to be happy. There's nothing for me to do...I'm alone in everything. I really really hate this.

[bear12]

beaker,

 

i'm so sorry you're feeling this way. you will be happy again, but def. not until you stop hating yourself. are there more issues going on here than just your break up?

 

i know how miserable it is to have someone leave you and how you face feelings of rejection and wondering why you're not good enough and what this new girl has that you don't... but you can't think that way. your ex is not the ultimate judge of your self worth! you are! i'm sure you have many people who care about you in your life- whether it's friends/family/fellow students/co-workers, etc... and i'm sure you have a lot to be proud/happy of. have you ever tried making a list of all of your positive characteristics/talents/abilities, etc, etc. i know it sounds really dumb, like something you'd be assigned to do in 5th grade or something, but it really can help to put things in perspective.

 

you are a great person. it totally sucks that we're going through this, and yo have every right to be upset that he's now out of your life and mourn the loss of him, etc, etc, but don't let it affect how you feel about yourself. don't let him do that to you or it'll take so much longer to get through this all.

 

also, maybe consider talking to a therapist? i've been doing that and it's helped quite a bit...

[musicguy]

life isn't fair. We all want to be happy. Hell, I want to be happy. I had to pay 600 dollars towards my car repairs last week in 4 days, because i need a car. That's not what I wanted to pay for with my paycheck and now, I'm broke, BUT I get paid this Thursday and I'll still be behind on my bills. My last real relationship was 7 years ago, last online relationship, 4 years ago. Am I still looking for someone? yeah I am. (but I think I found someone) ANYWAY...you have your friends and your family, have fun with them.