Friends First

[Bankers24]

When a guy and girl have an attraction to each other but want to build a friendship before dating, how long do you think is sufficient before beginning to date? I know it will be different in every situation but I guess I would just like some opinions or stories. I am one who likes to be friends first, but I don't want to fall into that dreaded FriendsZone that many have talked about on the forum.

 

Thanks

[answersguy]

I think it best to not try to be friends first if you like someone. If I really care about a girl and view her as long term material, I usually ask her to go do something fun that would qualify as a date with out calling it that. I take the sexual aspect of the relationship very slow but make it clear that I am interested in her as more than a friend (holding her hand). In this day and age, there is no reason to define a relationship until you choose to be exclusive to eachother. Go on some dates but don't call them that. There's no reason to hold off on dating, just don't let things advance to quickly. Good luck

[Pegasus]

When a guy and girl have an attraction to each other but want to build a friendship before dating, how long do you think is sufficient before beginning to date? I know it will be different in every situation but I guess I would just like some opinions or stories. I am one who likes to be friends first, but I don't want to fall into that dreaded FriendsZone that many have talked about on the forum.

 

Thanks

 

It depends, of course about individuals involved. I went through that experience last few months - we were friends for 4-5 months and just switched to "something more". That is the way I like it because you actually get to know the person before strong feelings involved and also - there is no much "dating". It's a relationship from the start. Of course, if you choose it to be.

 

Good luck.

[confused25]

Hmm with my past two ex's I think we started officially dating within a month after we met . . . why do you need to be friends first if you already feel the attraction? If you drag it out too long he might get the impression that you're not interested and might try to move on . . .

[Bankers24]

WOW...4-5 months. How did you handle them seeing other people during that time? Or did neither of you date others during that "friends" period?

 

Thanks

[Bankers24]

I was thinking friends first just because I have rushed into relationships in the past and want to take it slow this time. I don't want to drag it out too long, but just long enough to get to know him a little better before we jump into anything.

[answersguy]

Why not just date without jumping into a committed relationship. Dating doesn't constitute rushing in, putting long term expectations on a new relationship is rushing in. Just keep the expectations to a minimum, move slow, and enjoy it. You'll do fine

[Dating Coach]

Why not just date without jumping into a committed relationship. Dating doesn't constitute rushing in, putting long term expectations on a new relationship is rushing in. Just keep the expectations to a minimum, move slow, and enjoy it. You'll do fine

 

I was going to say the same thing. You can avoid jumping right into a relationship and get to know the other person better through "dating". You're not saying, "Hey we are just platonic friends right now, you have to wait through this period before I decide whether or not we can jump into a relationship" and you are saying, "Hey, you seem really cool, like someone I could see myself going out with. Why don't go out together for awhile and if something is there we can then take the next step?" This is how it normally works.

[Bankers24]

Yeah, I like the casually dating idea...my whole thing was to not label it dating becuase I think that puts SOME expectations on it. But when I think about it, being friends with the guy when there is that type of attraction/chemistry is almost like casually dating anyway because it is normally just the two of you, and you are getting to know each other a little more intimately then you would with a guy you were REALLY just friends with. I see the light! LOL

 

Thanks

[Batya33]

Why not just date without jumping into a committed relationship. Dating doesn't constitute rushing in, putting long term expectations on a new relationship is rushing in. Just keep the expectations to a minimum, move slow, and enjoy it. You'll do fine

 

I completely agree. You take it slow by going on dates once a week, talking once or twice a week and taking the physical intimacy part slowly.

[heloladies21]

You, being a girl, don't have to worry much about this problem. If you're interested in a guy, as long as you stay interested it is never too late to start up a relationship. The problem is with the guy. If he keeps you as a friend for too long, he runs the risk of you getting the impression that he's not interested.

 

Guys who use the friends route into relationships are a big risk anyways as their indecision and hesitation at expressing their interest is a bad sign that they will have indecision about you always and the relationship will most likely fail anyways.

[heloladies21]

I completely agree. You take it slow by going on dates once a week, talking once or twice a week and taking the physical intimacy part slowly.

And taking things slow is not always a good thing. I'm a decisive guy. When I see what I like, I go and get it. This is one of the qualities I look for in a girl too.

 

Me and my ex-ex-ex almost slept with each other the first night we met. It turned into an all out relationship and she wasn't some promiscuous girl either. I was only her 2nd guy. So make sure to feel comfortable, but making a guy wait just for the sake of making a guy wait is a bad idea as he might get frustrated with your lack of interest and you would end up sabotaging a potential relationship.

[Batya33]

I disagree - I think it is important to integrate each other into each other's lives over time so that you don't stop seeing your friends and doing activities you like to do because at some point you're going to want to resume your "normal" life and it is easier to do that if you've been integrating each other at a reasonable pace. Going for it is a great thing - but I go for things with a long term view and with that view there is no need to see each other every day at first or even every other day.

 

The men I've been in serious relationships with all have wanted me to be comfortable with the pace of sexual intimacy. For me that typically means waiting at least three months and until we are exclusive with at least some potential for marriage. The ones who were not willing to wait were the ones who sabotaged a relationship with me and/or weren't that into me in the first place. I always made it clear right off the bat - as soon as the discussion of "when" came up what my values were about sex. My boyfriend now has the same values that I do. He too believes in "going for it" and also believes that sex is something that happens between two people who love each other, are committed and see a future together - and that that takes time to develop.

 

I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who prioritized having sex early on over getting to know me and developing a bond and a foundation prior to being that intimate. While I have had a few men walk away because I wouldn't "put out" early on, I have no regrets and know that even if I had "given in" we wouldn't have been compatible over the long term. One guy who pressured me (I did not give in) cheated on his fiancee (the mother of his child) and another one went on to assault and harass several of my friends (he tried to force me on the second date. there was no third date).

 

There were several men who were used to having sex early on who told me they were fine waiting as long as it took me to be comfortable.

 

So, no, I don't think a person who values waiting as I do sabotages any chance of a relationship by acting consistently with her (or his!) values.

[Dating Coach]

I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who prioritized having sex early on over getting to know me and developing a bond and a foundation prior to being that intimate.

 

Are you suggesting that having sex early means you're not a good person or even a desirable partner? I don't think choosing to have intercourse early on means you are a bad person nor that you prioritize it over building a bond. I don't think building a bond and having sex are your two choices, you can do both.

 

If it is your preference to wait, that is one thing, but please don't hold your personal standards to other people.

[Batya33]

No - what I am saying is I would not want to be in a relationship with a man who did not share or at least respect my values. If he pressured me to have sex early on after I told him my values then it would be clear to me that either he didn't share my values or didn't respect my values enough to get to know me as a person prior to getting physically intimate.

 

If he valued having sex early on more than getting to know me as a person (i.e. a person who does not feel comfortable having sex early on), we would not be compatible. I suppose he could say I did not respect his values that to him it is important to have sex early on to see if he is sexually compatible with the person -- that is fine but if that is the case I would be surprised at the pressuring, since I make it clear as soon as the topic comes up - usually within the first 4-6 dates, what my values are and I act consistently with those values. So yes I would judge a man who after hearing all of this still pressured me to have sex with him - that would be rude.

 

(as an aside, on the sexual compatibility issue, I never could relate to how two people can have amazing chemistry, enjoy touching and kissing one another and yet somehow be incompatible once they "seal the deal" - I've heard of this, never experienced it and never was concerned that I would end up being incompatible if the chemistry and the "making out" all worked well).

 

On the other hand, if he met someone who also wanted to have sex early on then they would be compatible and have compatible outlooks on when to get physically intimate.

 

I have a feeling that I was very clear in my post that I was talking only about my values and how I want someone who shares my values and/or respects my values but that you somehow want to believe that I judge people who have sex early on. I don't. I have written on this board many times that I judge people who have sex early on who are not honest with their expectations of what that means or doesn't mean and who believe that after they have sex the other person is obligated to commit to them or see them again even if that was not discussed beforehand - and who refer to the other person as a "jerk" if the person ends up not wanting to see them again or be committed to them after having casual sex. That I think is unfair to the other person involved.

 

I also judge people who have many partners and who act recklessly when it comes to STD transmission. But that's for another thread.

[Dating Coach]

No - what I am saying is I would not want to be in a relationship with a man who did not share or at least respect my values. If he pressured me to have sex early on after I told him my values then it would be clear to me that either he didn't share my values or didn't respect my values enough to get to know me as a person prior to getting physically intimate.

 

Gotcha. I would agree with that.

[Tigger6145]

what if the guy wants to be friends first to take it slow? How long should you let that go on before making a move or giving up?

[heloladies21]

As long as you want.

[Batya33]

what if the guy wants to be friends first to take it slow? How long should you let that go on before making a move or giving up?

 

When a man has told me "friends first" I have said -that's nice - I am going to date other people who want to date me and when I have time you and I can "hang out" as friends (but not on a date night and my dating would of course take priority). To me, you can develop a friendship while dating, whether or not you take things slow. If one person wants to take things slow, then you can agree just to go on one date a week for a few months and speak once or twice a week and take the physically intimate part slowly too.

 

To me "friends first" means either that the person is not available for a potential relationship or is not sure he has a spark with me. If the former, why bother, if the latter and he is not willing to go on one or two or three dates to see if a spark develops, why bother.

[Tigger6145]

Well, the certain guy that I am thinking of said he has always been friends first with every girl he has dated becuase he finds it too weird to date someone he doesn't know very well. He believes that if you are friends first then it can build a great foundation for a relationship. So, everyone, is he full of crap or does he mean it? My gut feeling was that he meant it but my judgement could be skewed because I like him. Are there any guys out there who have actually said this and meant it???

[Batya33]

Sounds to me like what he means by dating is jumping right into bed. In my experience, it is good to develop a strong friendship first and this is done by dating and getting to know each other - doing fun activities together, etc. It also can work just as well by becoming physically intimate early on - whether that means kissing or more - but if someone doesn't want to do that, that's fine but it doesn't have to mean that you are not "dating."

 

But, again, if he wants friends first he has to accept the tradeoffs - that your date nights will be taken up with dates and that of course you will actively keep your options open.

[Tigger6145]

He and I have been hanging out a lot lately. Even when we are in a group, we always end up talking by ourselves. He gives me that look too! You know, THE look - the one that tells you that you are more than a friend to him. And the last time we hung out he sat very close to me on the couch - our arms touching for a long while. BUT I am playing it cool and letting him take the led so that I don't scare him off. We have only known each other for about 1.5 weeks. We are still getting to know each other.

 

Ok - now that I feel like I am back in middle school with a crush on a boy...I am going to hide...LOL

[Batya33]

Well, if someone insisted on friends first then no looks, no touching no nothing. He doesn't get the privilege of spending that kind of time with you if he doesn't want to put the effort into dating you.

[fredthebread]

I am not so sure! Dating to me indicates selling yourself to the other person by getting dressed up and trying to make a positive impression. Friendship on the other hand allows the person to get behind all that and see the real you. The earlier the real you comes out in the relationship the better, for a long term relationship. I have started off as friends with girls. We both decided this was the way we wanted to go, even though the physical attraction was there. So I think you should talk this out with her and agree to be friends, acknowledging down the road you would like more. The rest in my experience happens naturally and you don't have to decide we are not friends and now lovers, one should build on the other and you will find one night sharing a taxi home or something the rest will just kick off naturally. But in any relationship communication is king. Never assume you know what the other person is thinking, find out by talking to them!

[Batya33]

That's not my experience of dating but I have experienced that being "friends" first doesn't help as far as aspects of personality, habits, etc that come out only in a committed romantic relationship. I have experienced dating where both people have serious intentions so the "real you" comes out sooner rather than later. And particularly here where she is attracted to him she probably will feel too cautious to let the "real her" come out even as so-called "just friends" because she wants him to want her romantically.

 

I think it's silly to pretend to be "friends" but - as in the OP's case - flirt and touch, etc - that's not "just friends" but it's also not "dating" - so it's this weird limbo stage which is bound to become more confusing than it's worth. When you're "just friends" do you watch movies and cuddle on the couch? Do you talk about the other people you're dating? Do you invite your "friend" out with the other person you're dating - do you double date? Do friends discuss their specific goals for a relationship for each other? What they want out of marriage and family? If there is an event that requires a date, do you take your "friend?"

 

That is way more complicated than dating where you go out on a date, talk and get to know each other and then you understand the limits and boundaries - you don't discuss other people you're dating, you don't invite other people you're dating on the date, etc.

 

In the OPs case sounds like he is too cautious - or not interested enough - to date her but he also wants to keep her on the hook, so he is flirty but doesn't have to have to put in the effort or attention that comes with dating. In my view he should step up to the plate and either say "I am not interested in dating your right now, so let's be friends if that's ok" or "I'm interested in dating you but want to take things slow."

 

He is not doing the former - he is saying "I might want to date you in the future but let's get to know each other as friends" but to him friends means touching and flirting. What more would they be doing if they were "dating?" He would be calling her to plan a date, taking her out on a date and after a few dates perhaps they would plan dates together - and they likely would have the intention of a relationship if the dating went well. That takes more effort than friendship but he figures - he gets to flirt and play touchy feely and if she gets attached to that he can step back and say "nope - just friends!"