Should my girlfriend go to a dance with another guy?

[SierraM]

You need to grow up. Seriously. And you need to leave the young girls alone. Your myspace page is crawling with young girls...some of them underage.

 

Your "girlfriend" hasn't told her friend or her parents because she doesn't want to...and she probably doesn't know how. Because she knows her friends and parents are going to tell her the truth. That this "relationship" is wrong and needs to end.

 

All of her excuses for not wanting to tell Chad she can't go the dance are bogus. And you know that...otherwise you wouldn't be so upset with her.

 

You are lucky I'm not her parent....I would never allow my underage daughter to talk to someone so controlling and obviously mentally unstable. How can I say you're mentally unstable? Easy, no sane man is going to go hysterical and start crying when their phone conversation cuts off with his "girlfriend." If anything...he'd be a little upset. But hysterical and crying? That screams insecure with mental problems.

 

Do you even have a job? Or do you just watch cartoons and hang out online all day?

[deadxheaven]

Will you get upset if she decides to join a sorority?

 

Will you get upset if she decides to hang out with male friends?

 

Will you get upset everytime she decides to make up her own decision about her own life?

 

No to all that.

[Ellie2006]

^ I am glad to hear that.

 

Well, why do you think you're so upset now, then?

It sounds like she kind of agreed to go on the insistence of her friend and has made the decision to keep her word.

 

Would you rather that she get into an argument with her best friend?

Would you rather that she be inconsiderate by ditching Chad (who knows nothing about this conflict between you and your gf) at the last minute?

[teeters]

Here are a few points. You made a statement that back in Feb. it was decided she wouldn't go. Then it comes up again right before the dance that she is going and doesn't want to go but can't tell him a few days before the dance because it wouldn't be right.

 

She has had plenty of time to make an excuse as to why she isn't going. Her best friend would've been understanding to whatever reason she would have given.

 

If you are in a happy, healthy relationship, you don't go to dances with people from the opposite sex. People who are in a normal relationship KNOW these things.

 

And why HAVEN'T you met her yet? Are you in prison, did you lie about your looks? Or is SHE giving you excuses why you can't meet yet?

[SierraM]

They probably haven't met yet because her parents won't drive her to meet him.

[deadxheaven]

^ I am glad to hear that.

 

Well, why do you think you're so upset now, then?

It sounds like she kind of agreed to go on the insistence of her friend and has made the decision to keep her word.

 

Would you rather that she get into an argument with her best friend?

Would you rather that she be inconsiderate by ditching Chad (who knows nothing about this conflict between you and your gf) at the last minute?

 

No, and that is why I'm upset because I am torn. I want everyone to come out okay from this one. I am trying to look at this from all sides. I realise it's too soon to back out of it because Chad has only a few days to get another date. If I had known this was still going to happen there could have been more time to work that out so he wouldn't have to take my girlfriend, or at least I would know he considered it as a going as friends thing too. I feel selfish and I get mad at myself. I just can't get over that my girlfriend has to go on a date before I get to be with her. I keep thinking this is a situation that should have happened to her last boyfriend, not me. He wouldn't have cared. He had a "cuddly sleepover" with a lady friend over, which is far far worse. I really just would feel better if I knew the reason Chad asked her to this dance she wasn't even planning on going to. That's not being controlling. She wonders why too.

 

And yeah, I posted when I was still getting over being upset to vent and that was not the smartest move on my part. You people don't know what I am like otherwise really. All I presented was a single side of me from a single night. The other night things were fine. It's just been lthe last few days of last week when I found out the dance was still going on and now this week. What brought on my mood change the other night was I actually found and re-read the conversation from February concerning her being asked to the dance.

 

I'm not holding her back from going to a dance or school or social functiion of any type otherwise. It's just this dance date situation. She just went to a concert not too long ago and she concluded that she would have rather stayed at home to spend time with me because she didn't care if she went or didn't and it wasn't that great. That's not because I have control of her. She sometimes spends the weekend at Angel's from Friday night until Sunday. i miss her terribly and she does too but I don't tell her she cannot go. I respect and understand she has a life outside of me. I want her to do well in school. I try to motivate her to do her homework and keep up in her studies. I am fine with her going to the gym because she wants to stay in shape. I don't tell her what she can and cannot do. I do sometimes make suggestions and try to present things from all sides to her and then hope she makes the best choice.

 

 

As for me not introducing the subject of the dance right by saying how she had thought it was a joke at first, I had forgotten about that too. It was brought up a month ago.

[Ellie2006]

Do you think you are feeling upset bc you feel as though you are trying to be "unselfish" and considerate and she is (albeit inadvertently, perhaps?) not being reciprocal enough?

 

I hope I don't sound patronizing but I do feel as though you kind of worked yourself into a frenzy by reading those chat convos back from February.

 

Bottom line: she's going. Maybe she will have a good time. Maybe she won't. Regardless of whether or not she has a good time, this perhaps will *not* have a significant bearing on your relationship since she says she is going with Chad as friends and nothing more. This won't have a significant bearing on your relationship UNLESS you keep making it an issue and creating conflict with your jealousy.

 

If you trust her, drop the issue.

If she betrays your trust, then well ... now, at least, you know that this relationship was not meant to be.

 

Just my two cents.

[deadxheaven]

I guess my problem now is that I have it in my head that this is not acceptable in a relationship and I wouldn't be being a decent boyfriend if I was not upset about this. I don't know. I trust her and I tell her this repeatedly although my feelings don't seem to say I do. I have messed up emotions. I love her and don't worry about any harm coming from this. It just seems to be the principle of the thing. I would really like to know why Chad asked her though. If only she would catch him online so they could discuss it and I could know the reasons to have some peace of mind. I really do love and care about her. I hate what I am being like over this. Once it is over with things will return to how they were. She didn't really know how much it would hurt me, if at all. She didn't really understand Chad's wording and because of how she feels about him only saw it as being nothing but a friends thing. She has esteem issues and it just seems strange to me that someone who she never talks to could suddenly want her to be his date for a dance without having some type of feelings for her. I wouldn't blame him, despite what I am probably making her out to be like , my girlfriend is intelligent, interesting, beautiful, but she of course doesn't see any of this in regards to herself so of course, why would Chad see this? I don't see her as desiring to cheat on me. If you're going to cheat, just do it. There is no rule saying you have to tell beforehand or even afterwards. I don't see this as a subtle hint that she wishes me to end the relationship either. It's just a big misunderstanding. I feel like avoiding everyone because I don't like being in the mood I have been in and I wanted to spare her from being subjected to seeing me in this condition. That is not willingly being abusive to her. Also, I think I said I yelled to her? or did I say at.. Because if anything I am beating up myself over this. Trying to adhere to some boyfriend etiquette but losing sigh that this is a special circumstance which doesn't apply to my experiences in my past. So what if he does like her? She doesn't like him back. If he doesn't then the whole thing has been a misunderstanding and I have no problem with him. I just wish I knew and I'm starting to let it eat at me. I apologise for frightening anyone with my descriptions of my mood. It is not how I am on a daily basis. I can't understand why anyone would want to be like that. That is definitely not me. That is why feeling like this is scaring me because it isn't like me at all. I especially don't like being like that with her, and she knows that.

[Ellie2006]

If I may be forward (again) and point out some things:

 

I wouldn't be being a decent boyfriend if I was not upset about this. [...] It just seems to be the principle of the thing.

 

To quote Dr. Phil: "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" (i.e. Do you want to win the argument but make both of you miserable in the process OR do you want to be happy by letting go of this matter?)

 

I would really like to know why Chad asked her though.

 

Who cares? The only thing that matters, perhaps, is that your gf agreed to go. Shouldn't your gf's actions (and how she's chosen to handle this situation) be the forefront issue here?

 

 

If only she would catch him online so they could discuss it and I could know the reasons to have some peace of mind.

 

This, to *me*, seems as though you are trying to monitor her?

Why do you need to see what Chad says?

Do you not trust your gf to truthfully relay to you her convo with Chad?

 

 

One final question, if I may: if this relationship is distressing you so much and affecting you to act unlike your normal self, do you really think it's worth all this drama (high school drama, I might add), these anxiety attacks, these feelings of doubt, frustration, etc etc?? Are you telling me that this relationship is worth losing your sense of self over??

[TheFoglifter]

... guess my problem now is that I have it in my head that this is not acceptable in a relationship and I wouldn't be being a decent boyfriend if I was not upset about this."

 

But this isn't a problem. Read through the "should my girlfriend have a male roommate" thread and you'll see the same issue. Its all about boundaries, and you are perfectly valid in feeling boundaries have been crossed.

 

... quote Dr. Phil: "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?""

 

This is interesting advice and I'd love to know the context. The way you have quoted this line seems that you are advocating happiness over being right. I would be happy if a bank error gave me a million dollars, but what if that million was some lonely old lady's retirement nest egg, and she was now doomed to eat cat food and live in a box. It sounds like I could keep the money under the guise of being happy over being right.

[deadxheaven]

If only she would catch him online so they could discuss it and I could know the reasons to have some peace of mind.

 

This, to *me*, seems as though you are trying to monitor her?

Why do you need to see what Chad says?

Do you not trust your gf to truthfully relay to you her convo with Chad?

 

Yes, I do trust her to either tell me or show me what he said if and when she is able to talk to him before this dance takes place. She doesn't know why he asked her either or for certain how he is going to be viewing it either and she would like to know this as well. The problem is will she be able to speak to him before the whole thing takes place. It's not that I'm trying to monitor her. It would make both of us feel more at ease if we knew why. We discussed this too.

[ghost69]

maybe he has nobody else to go with.

[SierraM]

Come on....are you kidding me? You both seriously don't know why Chad asked her to the dance?

 

It doesn't take a college graduate to figure out that he asked her because he likes her and probably wants to get to know her better.

 

It's not like he knows she has a "boyfriend" since she's keeping quiet about all that and acting like she's single.

 

Wake up and grow up. Jeez.

[ghost69]

who cares why he asked her. it's a dance. should she just stay home? it's something she needs to experience.

[deadxheaven]

How am I supposed to handle this in the days leading up to it? She wants to call me, she wants to talk to me online. Do I just make myself unavailable or try to talk to her. I want to talk to her but I just end up getting upset, which never ends up good. Both ways are hurting her... and me too.

[ghost69]

i think you should encourage her to go and have a good time.

[Batya33]

You tell her: I realize now that I am an adult and you are not yet an adult. As an adult, I realize I know better than to keep you from experiencing what you need to experience as a high school girl. Why don't we check in with each other by e-mail once a month just to say hi and chat a bit about what's going in our lives. In 3 years from now, if we are still single and available, we can make plans to meet in person at that time if we're interested in doing so. I care about you, I have to be the adult here and thereforeeee I am going to act in your best interests by setting you free to socialize, date whatever it is that makes you happy and is fun for you. I don't necesarily want to hear about your dates and I won't share mine but we'll do the once a month check in email as long as it works for us.

[ghost69]

batya hitting the ball out of the park with some good advice.

[deadxheaven]

Once a month? Let her date around and be happy? Set her free? I thought I had made it clear that she does have a social life and I am not holding her back from it. Are you even listening? We have both been through that stage already of dating and sharing our experiences and not talking on a daily basis, and she was miserable. If she felt she needed to experience a dance or whatever as a high school girl than why didn't she go to any of her own school dances, hmm?

 

So you're also saying that whenever she's signed online I just ignore her and chat to my other friends? That doesn't work and it is very rude and inconsiderate to everyone involved. We don't communicate through emails. We use instant messengers. In saying I should stop speaking to her save for occasional emails once a month, that is also asking me to cut myself off from everyone else I speak to on the chat messenger, because how then would that be fair. Also, she would call me if I stopped talking to her online anyway.

[ghost69]

well maybe she wants to experience a dance since she didn't go to one of her own. don't get upset over advice.

[sophie274]

Can I ask you, why are you looking for younger girls specifically?

 

What's the attraction to her? What role do you think you play in her life and what role does she play in yours?

[Batya33]

If you tell her that for her best interests there will no longer be contact, the logistics are easy if you choose to do so. As long as you explain to her the reasons why, you are not obliged to take her calls, you can delete her from on line, etc. -- none of that is rude - indeed, it is honorable and the right thing to do. But you know all that. I have given you my opinion - you can choose to take it or not but please don't "shout" at me simply for giving my opinion in what I believe was a very respectful way.

 

Obviously you don't have to cut yourself off from anyone else - you tell her what the boundaries are and ask her to respect those boundaries. But again, you know all that and I am not certain why you are bringing up all these irrelevant arguments about how it's not possible to enforce limited contact until she is an adult. You know it's possible and you know it's possible without being rude, you just choose not to. If she doesn't agree to your limited contact you take additional steps necessary. You are the adult here, she is a minor and thereforeeee you need to act in her best interests. I believe your behavior and actions are potentially harmful to her and are going down a path that could lead to harassment or worse, particularly because she is a minor.

 

It is clear to me that your intentions towards this minor are not in her best interests. That is my opinion. You have the power to change that, today and I sure hope you do for her sake and also for yours. I agree with others who have posted here that your behavior and reactions seem unreasonable and somewhat unstable.

[ghost69]

ding ding.

[deadxheaven]

It has nothing to do with that. She shouldn't be going to the dance with this guy IF he likes her, I don't care if he is her best friend's cousin. This entire situation presents her in a terrible light and the actions she is taking are not typical of her at all. My reactions to this are normal, I think. If I was truly abusive why would I want to try to remove myself from her in the time being until this dance is over? I am not saying I want to remove myself from her permanently. Why do you seem to insist she and I both should date around after we have professed our love for one another? I'm not interested in seeing other people and neither is she. You just don't get it.

[deadxheaven]

If you tell her that for her best interests there will no longer be contact, the logistics are easy if you choose to do so. As long as you explain to her the reasons why, you are not obliged to take her calls, you can delete her from on line, etc. -- none of that is rude

 

Oh no, that's not rude at all. Just because she has made a bad decision in agreeing to go to this dance not realising how badly it was going to affect me and not understanding we had already decided she wasn't going to go, she has to suffer forever knowing this decision removed me from her life.