NC, child involved, but not his child ? ? ?

[want_his_love]

for those that havent read my previous posts.. i split with BF of 2 years on valentines day due to a massive drunken argument.

he said he coulnt be with me as he knew itd be a massive dent to the relationship and also i am jsut to needy and to intense for him.

 

i broke NC twice and went back to begging him to take me back...

i am now on day 6 of restarting NC (he broke it on day 3 or 4 saying that even though he coudlnt be with me again, he is reallyl missing me.. i didnt reply)

 

now my question is this ... i have a daughter who is nearly 3, my ex was like the dad in her life for 2 years. my daughter adores him and thinks he is the best thing since sliced bread and he treated her like his own child. he was totaly wonderful with her.

every day she asks abbout him "is *** coming over today?" "i want to see ***" "can we see **". its horrible as i know its not jsut me who misses him... she asks about him all the time and when he's coming back to see us and all i can say is that i dont know.

 

when i broke the NC twice i mentiond my daughter a few times and said that she asks about him alot and would love to see him again soon but he seemd to think i was using that to try and get him round and told me i was "sick" to use my daughter for my own benefit. which is not what i was doing at all.

 

im not really sure what to do in this situation.. i thought about maybe contacting him in a couple of weeks and asking him if he wanted to come over and see her and say that even if he doesnt want to see me to pick her up and take her out for a couple of hours and then drop her off.

but then thatl be me breaking NC and i dont want him to think im trying to use my daughter to get to see him myself again

 

its just horrible that my daughters Dad went off with another girl and hasnt been a dad at all... and then the man in her life who was more of the dad and has done so much for us has jsut gone and she hasnt seen him for a while and asks about him all the time.

 

any ideas??

[want_his_love]

PS

 

my daughter also said "*** doesnt love me any more" a few nights ago

 

so she has picked up on the fact that he has jsut disappeard.. its horrible

[Wandering_Sword]

He dumped you and is accusing you of using your own daughter for your own benefit? If your ex really had a connection with her (the child) he would never accuse you of that. He would know that you are telling the truth and would not question it.

I would maintain NC and explain to the child that the ex is not coming back. There is no point in delaying the transfer of information. Prolonging it or lying to her will just make things worse for everybody involved.

[Siriana]

I think since you two broke up you need to make efforts to distance yourself and your kid from him.

He's not a biological father so no need to keep in contact.

Also you can't expect him to stay in contact with your kid because one day he'll have someone new, maybe even his own family, and being in contact with a kid who's not his woan't be such a good idea.

Also maybe you'll have someone new, even get married, and it will be very confusing for a kid to have many dads.

If you do that, than everytime you have a serious relationship the kid will get one more dad.

 

I think you should look at some help books about raising kids to see how to explain to a small kid the fact you two broke up. I can't help there because I have no kids and my kid skills are like 0.

 

 

Also it is very important not to go back together than brake up again (and in your sitiation with begging and pleading chances for that are to happen are 99%) because it's very confusing for the kid.

You need to be carefull here and choose whats the safest and best decision for a child.

 

Also when you start dating in the future do not live soon with your bf - you need to make shure it's something lasting.

[want_his_love]

that is very true... didnt really think of it liek that...

 

this is one of the emails he sent me after i told him that my daughter is missing him so much that she said "*** doesnt love me any more"...........

 

 

 

no matter what u say u were using (daughters name) at times 2dig the knife in deeper....maybe not realising it , but by saying (daughters name) said "*** doesnt love me anymore"......c'mon emma f****ng turn it on...... what do u think that does sayin that??? "oh im jus sayin what she said" is always ur excuse.

[Wandering_Sword]

PS

 

my daughter also said "*** doesnt love me any more" a few nights ago

 

so she has picked up on the fact that he has jsut disappeard.. its horrible

 

Use this opportunity to re-affirm your love for your daughter. And explain that he still loves her, but now you will love her for the both of you. No point explaining where the ex is.

First and foremost, take care of your daughter and yourself. Your daughter relies on you for support.

 

"Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children."

 

Remember this well. Good luck and keep strong.

[Siriana]

that is very true... didnt really think of it liek that...

 

this is one of the emails he sent me after i told him that my daughter is missing him so much that she said "*** doesnt love me any more"...........

 

 

 

no matter what u say u were using (daughters name) at times 2dig the knife in deeper....maybe not realising it , but by saying (daughters name) said "*** doesnt love me anymore"......c'mon emma f****ng turn it on...... what do u think that does sayin that??? "oh im jus sayin what she said" is always ur excuse.

 

Well yeah, he's right you know.

That thing you're doing is not the best thing for your kid or for you and at the end for you ex.

 

You can be shure he cares about your kid. And it is really frustrating and sad for him to hear how the little one is missing him so much. I am shure it is tearing his heart apart but at the same time he knows staying in contact with her will hurt the kid more in the long run.

So buy saying to him all those things this you are prolonging your suffering, his suffering and kids confusion.

 

Next time your daughter says something like that you need to know how to react and what to say to her. Her words are not a message for your ex, but a message to you. You need to deal with her feeling hurt because you're her mom and she says that things to you because she wants you to make her feel safe.

 

Stop saying that to your ex.

Find a way to make your daughter feel better and to make her miss you ex less.

As I said do some reading about that toppic.

Also having a talk with a child psycologist to help you how to deal with it, to explain you how to do things would be great. Maybe going for a talk or two to get some helpfull hints.

If you put your energy into that it will help your kid as well as it will help you because you will distract yourself from thinking about your ex all the time and you will feel better about yourself for doing something really important and constructive.

 

Being a mom is a hell of a job, being a single mom is like being a CEO (my mom was single mom

So here you need to make constructive steps to help a kid.

Thats your only worry.

You're adoult you can handle the brake up, but the kid needs your help.

[BellaDonna]

There was another poster who was in a similar situation recently, and I will advise the same thing that I did in her situation:

 

Tell your daughter it has nothing to do with her. Kids always blame themselves. You need to explain it to her in a way she can understand. "Mommy and ****** can't live together anymore"....or something along those lines.

 

Is your daughter close with her grandparents or other relatives? If so now would be the time to keep her very occupied and spend special time together so she can see just how many people love her.

 

If she seems stuck on self-blame, and keeps feeling unloved, a child psychologist/family counselor may be able to help,

 

 

BellaDonna

[Jetta]

How very sad. This is the age they get into wanting to marry daddy, so I'm sure it's especially hard on her. It seems he does care a little, but has made his decision and has to let go (since she isn't biologically his daughter). Tell her that he loves her very much but he won't be able to see her anymore. It might ease her pain.

[ebsmith1]

I have two kids that were not my ex's kids. They were very attached to him and even knew that they were going to be in our wedding. When we broke up I knew it was best that they have no contact with him. So I just explained that while he loved them very much he wasn't going to be around anymore because he decided that he didn't want to marry mommy. It's hard, but it is for the best. He's not her father and if he doesn't ask to see her, then you shouldn't put that on either of them.

[lady00]

I think you definitely need to avoid arranging any visits between your ex and your daughter. It will make the situation harder for her and it will also make it harder for you and your ex to both move on.