my last plea for an ending to this

[hunter18]

i havn't posted in a while because i have been trying to work things out with my wife. my earlier post goes into detail about my situation. to sum it up my wife cheated twice(one physical for about 6 or 7 months and one emotional for about a year). she wants me to take the blame for it by saying i don't communicate and do enough with her. i will admit i don't do enough but thats no reason to cheat without talking to me about the problems first. i feel she needs to prove to me she is sorry and it won't happen again but she just acts like nothings happened and it should just go away. i mentioned last night that she needs to start showing me more attention and love if she wants the marriage to work. she just says i need to change before she can. well this may be wrong but i am not going to put all my effort in this until she makes up for her infidelity and proves it won't happen again. i am ready to leave but its hard with a 3yr old involved. we won't do counseling so what are somr other options before i leave. i just can't take being unhappy and untrusting anymore. thanks, rc.

[ButterflyWrists]

its not u in the wrong, if shes wanting a good relationship then she has to work, but you both do.. if shes saying its your fault then she isnt a good wife, and u dont need her.

 

try talkin the problems thru, and if she persists say either u or i go, until you can deside if u really want us to work __X hope this helps =[ sorry if not

[annie24]

i think you both need to work on it together. I don't think that she can "blame" you for the affair. Afterall, were you the one who told her to take off her clothes and get in bed with another man? no! in the book "He's just not that into you", the authors mention that there are plenty of things you can do to express dissatisfaction with a relationship, including, "writing a song about it, write a poem about it, call a friend, go to a therapist, write in a journal, talk to you about it." there are so many things she could have done, but instead she decided to hop in bed with another man. So I don't think she should be trying to pawn the blame off to you!

 

have you both joined couples' therapy? I suggest you do. It worries me that she won't take responsibility for her actions. Having an impartial 3rd person there can help you two move past the blame game and try to fix things.

 

Why don't you guys want to do counseling? It sounds like it's the only thing that can help the marriage at this point.

[Beec]

It seems to me like you both want to feel like you were RIGHT, more than you want the marriage to work. What neither of you did was justified. In my book, what she did was worse, but what you did came first. Do you want to be right or married? Pick, because right now you are picking right and that leads to your divorce.

[annie24]

Wow, you hit the nail on the head beec!

[ButterflyWrists]

i've cheated, and my boyfriend blames himself, and we both want to make it work.. if a relationship has made u happy, then try at it, if it hasn't and has been tough for ages, i'd give it the gun (not litterally) and leave it.

[heloladies21]

One thing I've learned here in the last couple of years in my study of male/female relationships is that emotions are the most impossible thing to control. How can you force yourself to feel happy/sad? Affectionate? It can't be done.

 

What you can control are your actions and they directly relate to how you and others feel. Your wife can't make herself feel affectionate for you, she either feels it or she doesn't. And this feeling is controled by your actions, you have a direct and decisive influence on her.

 

So to solve this problem from ever happening again (not for this case, but for future relationships), you have to take a hard look at how exactly are you interacting with your girl.

 

Loss of love is tough. Once a girl goes down this route, it's impossible to bring it back. I've never seen it done. You'll never feel safe in the relationship again because if you accept her back, precedent has been set. No matter what you say, she'll always believe that she can do it and get away with it.

[ButterflyWrists]

Loss of love is tough. Once a girl goes down this route, it's impossible to bring it back. I've never seen it done. You'll never feel safe in the relationship again because if you accept her back, precedent has been set. No matter what you say, she'll always believe that she can do it and get away with it.

 

can u tell my boyfriend that, he refuses to leave me, and wont let me leave him, i hurt him, and have cheated, and he doesnt see that i may feel like i can do it over and over! =[

[heloladies21]

heloladies, I don't agree with you. I chalk up your opinion of women who cheat will always cheat to your own personal experience, and you are still pretty young.

 

I am typing this, because I want others in this situation to know there is hope and people can forgive.

 

Not all women are the type who take advantage of men or are un-able to change past behavior.

 

Because I am one of those women who has a past, and it in no way cements my future.

You misinterpret my post.

[mrmaximum]

One thing I've learned here in the last couple of years in my study of male/female relationships is that emotions are the most impossible thing to control. How can you force yourself to feel happy/sad? Affectionate? It can't be done.

 

So to solve this problem from ever happening again (not for this case, but for future relationships), you have to take a hard look at how exactly are you interacting with your girl.

 

Loss of love is tough. Once a girl goes down this route, it's impossible to bring it back. I've never seen it done. You'll never feel safe in the relationship again because if you accept her back, precedent has been set. No matter what you say, she'll always believe that she can do it and get away with it.

 

This is it right here. Okay, Hunter, because you said it I won't beat you over the head with it but I will call you on it. You said yourself that you could have treated your wife better, please take this time to learn from your mistakes and ensure they are rectified, yeah? This is no doubt painful but you can learn from this in what not to do. I completely agree with Heloladies, this is what I call a Terminal Precedent. This could lead to a very negative outcome in the future, essetially your relationship becomes a ticking time bomb, when will she go off next because she has this history (got away with it 3TIMES!!). Here is the deal; yeah maybe you could improve in the hubby department, okay, you said it I'll agree with you so buck up, but she cheated, not once but twice!! Then you have the whole situation of her not acceepting responsibility of the whole thing!! YOU have to change first?! I'd be reluctant to take a woman back too if I heard that sort of thing!!

Hunter, this isn't cool and this is the whole reason why you are here, you know you need to change, you know that you love her, but she has shown no reason why you should take her back, no reason that this whole thing will stop. If this was her first time I'd say give her the benefit of the doubt, BUT this is her second AND she's not showing any remorse, you may want to consider leaving. Sorry to be so blunt but cheating twice isn't cool for you or for your daughter. I'll ask you this Hunter, this will be chance number 3 for her, what has she done to deserve it?

[radioheader]

until she makes up for her infidelity and proves it won't happen again.

 

there is no guarantee in life..and there is no way they can prove it 100%...i want to trust that my husabnd won't repeat his 2 affairs also...i have found that i have to give it time to see if i can trust again...but then again he is truly remorseful and doing his best to try to prove to me that he wants this marrige of 14 years to work...it is getting better for us now...but we have travelled a long hard road to get to this point.

 

you have to get into counseling...why won't you all try it? a neutral party can help you see both sides and let all emotions out with damage control in the room..it is really helpful...

 

i do agree wtih beec...at some point you both have to stop wanting to be right and focus on the marriage full force if you really want it to work...good luck!

[hunter18]

its not about right or wrong, its about gaining trust and believing in her again. i do want the marriage to work but i am having trouble with her atitude. i mean we don't make love but about once a month. i love my boy to death but i feel me and my wife need time alone. she want spend anytime alone with me because she want leave our son with anyone for me and her to have some personnal time together. i am not worried about being right because i know her cheating was wrong no matter what the cause of it. thanks, rc.

[mrmaximum]

What is her motivation for not taking your child and leaving them at a friends house for a while as you desperately need to sort out a few things? Why does she refuse to bend on this? I really think that her attitude is a very large red flag! She just wants to brush her infidelity under the table and you need to fix whatever you have done wrong. This is not a good situation, not in anyway shape or form!! She needs to realize that you being alone for a while is actualy better for your son, he needs two parents that love him and love each other and can show him a proper example of what a marriage is supposed to be about. hunter, you need to go to counseling, even if it is by yourself, you may learn a few things that may help turn her around, but then at the very least, you may end up leaving in the end ( it sounds to me like this indeed what is going to happen). The one constant train of thought that I can surmise from your end of the story about your spouse is that she wants things her way or not at all. Considering her history and the asumption that you want to change to save your marriage, that is a position that she can ill afford.