Not sure what to feel, what to do..

[johnnynz]

My ex dumped me nearly a year ago now and we 'got back together' (notice the quotes) about 1.5 months ago. She well and truly broke my heart into a million pieces when we broke up, I was a wreck. She dated some other guy for a few months, we kept in casual contact and then somewhat mutually decided to give things another go not long ago. It was all good at first, we went out lots together again, I was happy. However there was still a sign of lingering doubt from her.

 

I really do love her to bits, and want nothing more than things to work out for us. I want to have a family and settle down with her, but to be completely honest I can't see things working, as she doesn't seem in to it in the least. She tells me she loves me one week then the next doesn't seem to care even for my friendship. Whenever I push for any sort of commitment she runs away claiming I'm smothering her or that she's 'not sure', or that she still 'wants to take things slowly'. I don't think this is in the least fair on me, and really want an answer whether she wants us or not.

 

The main reason we broke up in the first place was because neither of us could be bothered putting in the effort required to maintain the relationship, so as a result, it withered away and died. We argued daily, got on each others nerves (moreso me on hers than her on mine) and generally didn't get on. We get on so much better now but I can see things declining again, in full due to her unwillingness to put in the effort required (yet again) to make things work. Nothing I do seems to be good enough for her.

 

I'm not really sure what to do. She really doesn't seem in to it and has so many doubts about us. When things are going well, she makes me so happy. But then when things are going badly, I get really anxious and she makes me so unhappy.

 

Is she the one? I'm starting to get the feeling she's not good for me - or we're not good for each other. It's just so hard to accept, since I really do love her.

 

I find a lot of people who give up on love very easily. If you truly truly believe that this is the one then fight for them. You might win/ lose but twenty years from now you will not look back and say " I wish I had fought for what I wanted."

 

I think I can truly say that I've put my heart and soul into making it work this second time around, and have no regrets. I might get hurt more if we part ways again but I reckon at least I won't be saying 'I wish I'd done this/that'.

 

Is the answer clear or should I keep fighting for what I love?

[Stu147]

Hi Johnny,

 

My question to you would be, are the positives outweighing the negatives in this relationship? Is the turmoil you are going through worth what you are getting back? If you can answer that question in your own mind then you might be a good deal closer to knowing what to do.

 

The rollercoaster of ups and downs, good times and bad, that you indicate you are currently enduring is actually worse than if things were consistently bad. Because it leaves you not knowing where you stand, not knowing what to expect from one day to the next. It messes with your mind and tears you up inside. It's such an unhealthy situation.

 

My gut feeling is that if you don't feel she is truly investing in this relationship then you need to step away from it. Yes, fight for the things you want in life, but equally don't waste energy on lost causes. If you believe this cause is lost then better to save your energy for your recovery, you'll need it.

 

I wish you all the best with this, and take care...

[kate111]

If neither of you could be bothered putting in effort that sounds unhealthy.

 

Did she tell you why she came back? Perhaps you two haven't properly worked through the issues that casued you to separate.

 

I'd also be a bit careful that she is not committing to you because you are her "fallback plan" ie the guy who she feels secure with but will ditch the second she finds someone more interesting.

[johnnynz]

Did she tell you why she came back? Perhaps you two haven't properly worked through the issues that casued you to separate.

 

I'd also be a bit careful that she is not committing to you because you are her "fallback plan" ie the guy who she feels secure with but will ditch the second she finds someone more interesting.

 

I don't think we have even begun to work through the issues that caused us to part. We haven't really spoken about it at all to be honest. I would've thought that we should have, but haven't bought it up because I didn't really want to rock the boat, so to speak. I was just happy to 'have her back'.

 

I'm feeling more and more like I'm just the backup plan, despite her telling me sometimes she loves me. It's such a mind * * * * sometimes.

[friscodj]

Hey johnnynz-

 

You have in many senses answered your own question here. I think you know what to do, but perhaps you are holding onto a string or two with this and need some validation of your thoughts and feelings on the matter.

 

I will happily give that to you my friend...

 

Everything you wrote here makes sense to me. The "emotional rollercoaster" relationship you describe here havs been the modus operandi of my relationship life for several years. The same things you wrote too! One week in love, the next distant, and the omnipresent doubt and "I just don't know". I'd rather be called every name in the book than hear those words.

 

Look, you can't see things working with her! What more do you need? How much more frustration and pain is it going to take to snap you out of this self-destructive pattern of denial and emotional torture? She whacks you in the nuts with a baseball bat, then gives you a hand job. Repeat cycle ad nauseum. You've got to take care of your boys my man!

 

You desperately crave the pleasure so much and get hypnotized by it that you put up with the pain to get your hit (literally). You love her but you also love yourself! Stop doing this to this poor guy in the name of...nothing really because you honestly don't see this working out. Sometimes it's best to keep the love for someone else in the privacy of your own heart.

 

The notion of "fighting" for love is some fairy tale testosterone-driven illusion. You're likely really "fighting" something within yourself and if you look hard enough, I'll bet you'll find out what it is. Why do you "need" this and how does this relate to your self-esteem?

 

In short, you're spinning your wheels with this and gradually wearing down the tires in the process. If it takes some miles driven on bare rims for a while to find the impetus to act on your very-apparent message in your post that this thing is over and make it over, there's no shame in that. I hope it doesn't come to that and that you can break this thing clean and finally because it really isn't fair to her, someone you love, either, that you are still in this when you see no future with it, an assessment I agree with based on what you wrote here.

[johnnynz]

In short, you're spinning your wheels with this and gradually wearing down the tires in the process. If it takes some miles driven on bare rims for a while to find the impetus to act on your very-apparent message in your post that this thing is over and make it over, there's no shame in that. I hope it doesn't come to that and that you can break this thing clean and finally because it really isn't fair to her, someone you love, either, that you are still in this when you see no future with it, an assessment I agree with based on what you wrote here.

 

Thanks for your thoughts. I do see a future for us but the way she appears to be treating me I don't see any hope, as I know all too well it takes two to make things work.

 

Maybe subconsciously I'm just waiting for her to fall in love with me fully again so I can break her heart like she broke mine so dearly. I don't feel this consciously as I do love her but maybe.

 

I'm a bit messed up as you may be able to tell. Why are relationships so damn hard?

I feel as though I'm clinging on to any remaining hope I see left for a life together with her. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

[friscodj]

Hey JZ-

 

Don't get down on yourself man, no need to add to the beating here.

 

We're all messed up in our own ways my man. Look, this isn't how healthy relationships work my friend, no way, especially not given what you wrote about getting back at her in your last post.

 

Whatever the reason for that, whatever the reason for your desperate need and attachment here, deal with it at a later time. Priority one is stop hurting yourself like you are doing here. This means you stop it as in you work to the point where you can make decisions in this situation. This will come with time as the beatings continue. No one can endure this cycle forever but perhaps you reach this point taking an easier route.

 

You guys just aren't a right fit for each other, that is the bottom line, not in light of the pain you are describing. Why is that? Why are your feet size 10 instead of size 11? It just is, but you have a choice as to what to do about it. Do you buy size 7 dress shoes and run marathons in them? Why do it here?

 

She is not the last woman on earth and not the last one you will meet and have a relationship with. You will love again and I bet it will be a much healthier love once you get out of this situation, learn the lessons from such about life, love, other people, and yourself, and make necessary adjustments based on this.

[numbhead]

maybe thats exactly what youre doing!,,"waiting to break her heart"!!

 

i know i would love to let my ex feel the pain she gave me,,,, but then again i wouldnt because i loved her so much!

 

(god, it would be gd tho lol)

 

i say before you do anything silly,,,, just sit down and talk to her,, that will sort it out one way or another!

[Mavis VDSande]

Hi JZ,

 

I agree with Fris - in relaying your feelings you have illustrated the issues that you are having right now. I really feel for you, because it's really telling when you're with your partner and you feel like rubbish.

 

I remember when I broke up with my ex, I was so devastated - we've all been there you know. I stopped eating, didn't go to work, my friends had to drag me from my flat and drive me to my mum's to get me to eat! (I know). My bro told me something that I often consider now and believe to be a rels truth. He said that all romantic rels should be founded on Friendship, Respect and Passion. Then he asked me the following (which I change the "sex" of my ex for you!):

 

1. Does your ex RESPECT you as a person?

 

2. Do YOU respect her as a person?

 

At the time, I said NO, I feel like my ex does not respect me because he was blowing hot and cold. Me on the other hand - I put him on a pedestal.

 

3. Do you and your ex have a genuine friendship?

 

I said yes, I felt that we were the best of friends. That is, we always relied on each other and spoke to each other as best friends.

 

4. Does your ex feel PASSIONATE about you?

 

5. Do YOU feel passionate about about her?

 

I could say yes I felt passionate about my ex, because I longed for every moment I was with him. He made me happy, very happy. But I knew in my heart that my ex did not have any passion for me.

 

So how would you truly answer these questions?

 

If you were to truly answer these, you would not be saying YES for all the elements. The main factor I think is that your ex/gf does not respect you. If she did, there would be no beating around the bush - there would be truth, she would tell you how she felt and you would know, no second guessing.

 

In turn I will ask you -> do you respect yourself?

 

Lastly, you really have to talk about why you both broke up in the first place. What exactly were her doubts and how does she feel now? I know that when I got back together with my ex, we were fine and dandy until it came to a point where we had to be honest with each other. Honesty sometimes hurts, but it is better to know then to waste your time and suffer.

[Mavis VDSande]

You also must remember that how she feels about you (being too smothering etc) is exactly how she feels about you. In this sense, it's not a case of "I'm not doing anything wrong, she's being cold-hearted" rather it's "whatever I'm doing now, she does not like it".

 

You have two choices -> dramatically change the situation or move on.

[johnnynz]

1. Does your ex RESPECT you as a person?

 

Sometimes I feel she does, then other times, not at all.

 

2. Do YOU respect her as a person?

 

I feel I do. I'm doing as you said, putting her on a pedestal.

 

3. Do you and your ex have a genuine friendship?

 

I'd like to think we do but I don't think we do.

 

4. Does your ex feel PASSIONATE about you?

 

I don't think so. Aside from the sex which we haven't had for 2 weeks, she doesn't seem to have the umm, willingness to make things work. She's said at times she doesn't think a relationship should be this hard.

 

5. Do YOU feel passionate about about her?

 

Definitely - I've no doubt about that. I'd go to the ends of the earth for her.

 

I think I have all the answers I need and now just need to act on them. It's just so hard accepting that it may all be coming to a close though. We were so happy in our relationship for a long time (before, of 3.5 years), sometimes I wish things were to just stay the same. I hate dating!

[Mavis VDSande]

Thanks for answering in all honestly JZ. With regards to point 3, did you both have a friendship previously (when you first started out) or do you think you never had that?

[LostLoveinLosAngeles]

Getting back is hard man I am going threw similar situation. I choose to just take it slow. I don't think you can get your old relationship back in a day. She doesn't want to get hurt, you don't want to get hurt. I believe if you love her give it some time. Don't just let go that would be the easy way out. Getting back with ex is just the second phase of reconciliation. You still have to work to get it back. Some people wouldn't put in that work but hey If you love this woman whats a few more months? I find that most needy guys fail at getting back with their ex. You weren't need ywhen you broke up so why act so insecure now that you are together?

[johnnynz]

Getting back is hard man I am going threw similar situation. I choose to just take it slow. I don't think you can get your old relationship back in a day. She doesn't want to get hurt, you don't want to get hurt. I believe if you love her give it some time. Don't just let go that would be the easy way out. Getting back with ex is just the second phase of reconciliation. You still have to work to get it back. Some people wouldn't put in that work but hey If you love this woman whats a few more months? I find that most needy guys fail at getting back with their ex. You weren't need ywhen you broke up so why act so insecure now that you are together?

 

Thanks dude.

The thing is I was needy when we broke up, I was clinging on to whatever I could find and procrastinated much over breaking up with her (we were living together at the time). I've resolved never to do this again as it wasn't fair on her. Do I seem insecure now?

[LostLoveinLosAngeles]

Now you do seem insecure and thats not going to make things work out. Over the period of the break up you should have lost this neediness. I learned that we have to take this completely as starting over. Its like your foundation is of remodeling. Stop analyzing ever situation. She just got back into someone caring about her all the time. She was used to doing what she wanted when she wanted. Its seems to me that you need to get a life and stop worrying about her so much. Honestly my man the reason she doesn't want to spend time with you is you get to clingy instead having fun. You talk about your relationship all the time and don't just have fun and be in the moment. Insecurity will hurt you my friend take it easy. I'm here if you ever need help man. I just got pass this phase.

[johnnynz]

Hmm, I think this is the wisest thing anyone has ever said to me. I never used to be like this eh - only started when I could see she wasn't into us any longer (before we broke up). Thanks for the wise words!!

[LostLoveinLosAngeles]

I know women would deny this. But I honestly think they are testing us. Look at things from her point of view in rebuilding the relationship. Think about what she would've changed. Is she doing this by being non-responsive to you? Others may take this as a bad sign. But she wants it to be different man. I am going to assume that this is the person you want to spend your life with? Try to correct what you are doing right now, you can even set a date (I DID) and if she continues acting this way then let it be over. Even if you end up not being together this will be a learning experience. Give another 2 months. Change the clinginess. Don't call her, let her call you. If you do call never call more than 2 times unless she calls you back. I hate that this kind of sounds like a game. But I promise if it is meant to be it will work out in the end my friend.

[johnnynz]

I just sent her a message before but will wait until she contacts me. I hate games.

[LostLoveinLosAngeles]

I just sent her a message before but will wait until she contacts me. I hate games.

 

Yeah its like why wont she call you back. She could be really busy? She could not want to talk to you. YOUR MIND CREATES ALL THESE SCENARIOS. When she probably is just busy or wants to be alone. It's really not a game man. Why talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to you? You want to feel wanted. Now when she calls you back please don't pick up the phone and say "What were you doing, I texted you how come you didn't respond?" CLINGYNESS has to stop go do something. You have to detach in order to get love my friend.

[terk2021]

Thanks dude.

The thing is I was needy when we broke up, I was clinging on to whatever I could find and procrastinated much over breaking up with her (we were living together at the time). I've resolved never to do this again as it wasn't fair on her. Do I seem insecure now?

 

ohnny,

 

I have been following the posts up above. You have been leading with your heart over your head. It's amazing what happens to us when our heart takes control. Are you insecure and needy? Probably not. You are just in a position where you see something so incredible in front of you that you want to go after it. You are human, and love is a powerful force.

 

I have to commend Frisco up above, and what he has to say. When I started writing here on this site, he pegged me from the start, and had the best advice that would have me so far ahead of where I would be right now. I look at when my relationship 1st started to fall apart. I was truly miserable. She took the 1st steps in ending the relationship, and I had enough and kicked her out of the house (nothing violant), but just said get out.

 

When I chased (after feeling I made a big mistake), she came back twice for short periods of time, only to break up again. She was not sure what she wanted. I think when people ask for space, it's saying, "I need to go figure things out and I will let you know". The best advice I received, and I wish I would have followed it back in the day was to let her know how I feel, let her know what I wanted, and if she was not ready for it, than I had to move on in life. At the time, I just did not have the strength to do it. If I ever fall into this situation again, I am going to though. It's been a really tough 8 months.

 

Is this an ultimatum? No. You should not need to draw a definite line in the sand. Tell her to take her space and figure out what she wants. If and when she decides that she mutually wants the things that you expressed, then come back to you. Everything else in the middle is just pure torture.

 

It sounds like you are fairly strong, and have a good grasp on what's going on with her. Take time and space with no, or very limited contact, and reflect on your relationship and get out and experience new things.

 

I think that each of us that post out here come from similar stories, but each are slightly unique in there own rights.

 

Sure, it's nice to have them in your life when you have them, but when you are apart, it feels worse than the 1st time it happened.

 

I wanted to leave you with one final thought. When I heard it, it really clicked for me. I was talking with a friend from church (I am not very religious, but go every few weeks). He said something very comforting to me one time, that has stuck with me since he said it last year.

 

I know you are in a very tough place right now (my story is posted all over her about the disaster I went through last year), but you have to remember that you are the one who knows what you want, she is not. She broke it off with you, but you have a plan, a purpose, and a direction in life. She is confused about all 3 of those things. These could be God's signs that she is not the one for you, or that she truly does need a period of alone time to reflect on what she needs.

 

That puts you in a better place. Right now, you probably want her, but could it be that you want what she represents as well. If it's her, and you know you want her, you have to take her for what she is worth right now. It really does not sound like you want to be right back there again. It's time for her to step and become a part of the relationship you want. Not for you, but for her and the both of you. If not, it could just be bad timing, and giving her time alone to reflect will provide you with answers. You may decide at that time you do not even want to be with her anymore.

 

She may come around after a period of time, and at that point, it's time to sit down, express your feelings mutually, and determine if and when a relationship should start from there.

 

Don't be down on yourself, if she does not turn out to be the one, you have started to heal and moved on. If she comes back, and you work it out, that would be great. Just give it a little time and space and see what happens. In the mean time, go out and hang out with friends, have fun, and keep with the rest of the world going on a round you.

 

Terk

[johnnynz]

I sent her a text message about 7 hours ago. No response. I think you're right in that she's either busy or doesn't want to talk. I feel it's a bit immature not to respond though. Am I right? Am I being clingy by expecting a reply?

 

She's asked me not to call her as it 'makes her feel anxious'. So i'm not going to but still, surely she has time to reply to a text message?

 

Yeah its like why wont she call you back. She could be really busy? She could not want to talk to you. YOUR MIND CREATES ALL THESE SCENARIOS. When she probably is just busy or wants to be alone. It's really not a game man. Why talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to you? You want to feel wanted. Now when she calls you back please don't pick up the phone and say "What were you doing, I texted you how come you didn't respond?" CLINGYNESS has to stop go do something. You have to detach in order to get love my friend.

 

I've no doubt my clinginess (I never used to be like this, dunno why I am now) is an obstacle. Trying to get around this..

 

I've quite clearly told her what I want.

 

You should not need to draw a definite line in the sand. Tell her to take her space and figure out what she wants. If and when she decides that she mutually wants the things that you expressed, then come back to you. Everything else in the middle is just pure torture.

 

No doubt about that. Pure torture.

 

It sounds like you are fairly strong, and have a good grasp on what's going on with her. Take time and space with no, or very limited contact, and reflect on your relationship and get out and experience new things.

 

That's all well and good to say but I don't know what stage we're at right now. Am I supposed to see other people? She doesn't seem at all very willing to talk or see me.

[numbhead]

my ex said she would be there for me whenever! then suddenly stopped txting and replying! she hasnt even actkowledged that i am still alive in over 2 1/2 months,,, i cant understand how somebody can do this.... i mean i was her everything !! unbelieveable how heartless people can be..... it is completely unlogical!

 

she literally just doesnt give a s h i - t about me...

 

i think its pretty funny how pple can be so different in such a short amnt of time....

 

dont think so much into it, you will get nowhere!

 

take it easy friend!

[LostLoveinLosAngeles]

Good day Johnny give me an update. I just don't know what to say. I felt the same why you did once. But I realized she loved me but didn't like how I was acting when we spent time together. Call her let her know that you want to see her. I forgot to ask you last night but what did you want to talk to her about? Was it life or death or did you just want to hear her voice?

[johnnynz]

Arranged to meet her for a coffee today but she cancelled. She said needs space right now. She says she gets down when she's with me. Can't really see this turning out many positive ways but I'll give her the space she wants. Anything less and I wouldn't really love her as I tell her I do.

 

Disappointed.

[friscodj]

Arranged to meet her for a coffee today but she cancelled. She said needs space right now. She says she gets down when she's with me. Can't really see this turning out many positive ways but I'll give her the space she wants. Anything less and I wouldn't really love her as I tell her I do.

 

Keep going with this JZ. If nothing else, this experience is going to give you hugely valuable wisdom and enlightenment about life, love, and relationships you can get nowhere else than through experiencing it yourself that you will never forget and apply to future relationships making them better.

 

I have a feeling in time you will see and understand that martyrdom and equating your love to your pain is a fruitlessly painful endeavor.

 

Another hugely important lesson I've learned by going through situations like these is that if she asks for the door, show it to her, and say goodbye...any type of "fighting" or "proving" at this point is equally fruitless and will suck the life out of you.