My parents want me to get an arranged marriage

[isisastaria]

Is there a male relative or family they would have take the control over you?

[isisastaria]

I want you to research what happens TODAY with muslim girls who are sent back to the middle east if they are disobedient. I want you to get as much info as possible on it. You need to be fully aware of what might happen if they send you back. Even if it is Arbil.

Just the fact that your parents will send you to a country with no rules that protect women tells me they are not as modern or Americanized as you may assume.

[lovehurtz]

Isistaria: Yes...I feel as if its the right thing to do too. and me and you both know what would happen if I go back to Iraq. My parents would want me to get married to a chauvinistic Muslim guy who would "keep me on the right track" and would require me to be his "sex slave" and basically just a toy for his desires...and I don't want that at all.

 

Hazey_Amber: yes that was indeed true, but the thing is, religiously, it is definitely okay for me to marry anyone who I find attraction to but he has to be Muslim [for the upraising of our kids]. CULTURALLY, [which i despise truly], my parents want me to get married to an Iraqi guy who is of our race, speaks our language, follows this cursed collection of traditions. They would HATE me if they knew I wanted to marry an American guy. Which is quite ridiculous, because I've spent my whole life here. I mean, if I lived in Iraq, my definition of "attractive" would probably lean towards Iraqi men, but considering that I was born and raised in the U.S, I find American boys very attractive. Another little obstacle that I have to encounter is that since I'm not Indian...I LOOK American and I go by an American name so of course, American guys will try to make moves on me here and there and my parents will freak out if and American guy even CALLS our house. which is wacked up. Thank God for cell phones [: So, they would disown me because I wouldn't be marrying an Iraqi boy. I'm sure you're aware of this, but in middle-eastern societies, culture and religion are both almost EQUALLY strong and in some aspects, they are contradicting. Like the arranged marriage concept.

 

DN thank-you so much for your help. I will try and move on and I think I'm going to really truly try in these coming up months till mid-april [cuz thats when we see how things are going]...and practice NC.

[isisastaria]

Thank the heavens you aren't as naive as I thought!!! SMART GIRL!!!!

And how old do you think he would be??? Yeah..lay low, hunny.

 

If you don't want to touch some old 60 year old...they WILL punish you!

[lovehurtz]

OH, he would DEFINITELY be older than me. My parents have an 8 year difference between them, that means....since I'm currently 19...they would want a guy that would probably be like in his late-20's or mid-30's...a "well-established" man....who has LOTS and LOTS of money and ZERO love to give.

[isisastaria]

Yep! They'll even marry you off to someone OLDER if he has more MONEY!!! It's worth it to be as careful as you can right now.

[isisastaria]

Have you thought that maybe your mom was forced and that's why it's an oops? Is it possible she didn't have a lot of say in your conception and that's why she identifies you that way? Do you understand that you are meant to be here and your mom is just having a very difficult life in a very difficult culture?

[rocio]

what about a happy medium? take advantage of the social netword at college to meet an Iraqi man born (or at least raised) in America? Most of my friends in university were Muslim (it was a school totally overrun by Jews and Arabs - interesting place to be!!!) of different degrees. I was friends with some girls who wore the whole Abiya (don't know how to spell it) where you could only see their eyes. On the other spectrum, I had a good friend who was Palestinian and non - practising and actually got a degree in religious studies (you can imagine how unimpressed her parents were). Guys too - one of my best friends was an Iraqi guy who believes in Islam but he's totally "westernized" or whatever and respects women. I don't know how many Muslims are in your area, but there are lots in the U.S. and I bet you could find some guys to date who are on your wavelength.

[isisastaria]

My goodness...I just remembered my fiancee was offered many wives in Iraq!!!

[isisastaria]

hazey amber has a good point!! Would your parents be okay with that?

[sophie274]

Hey

 

I think you're doing the right thing. What you need right now is to get your education so that you can eventually be independent from your parents, move out and be able to date if you wish to do so.

 

It will definitely be hard to get over him, and you will go through a lot of emotions and a lot of hurt - but if you choose to get over him you will - though he will always have a special place in your heart as your first love.

 

I agree with the others that you might try to meet other Muslims who also follow whatever particular brand of Islam you follow - though if you are not allowed to date, meeting men might bring more temptation.

 

Good luck at Yale! I am a sophomore at another Ivy League school, and I also want to go to med school, so PM me if ever you want!

[Locke2121]

Yes...I feel as if its the right thing to do too. and me and you both know what would happen if I go back to Iraq. My parents would want me to get married to a chauvinistic Muslim guy who would "keep me on the right track" and would require me to be his "sex slave" and basically just a toy for his desires...and I don't want that at all.

 

.a "well-established" man....who has LOTS and LOTS of money and ZERO love to give.

 

Then you know what you have to do don't you? *sigh* Ok, tell me if this would work...just a suggestion you understand.

 

"Father, mother. I know how you would like my marriage to be arranged by you. However, I have met someone whom I would like to live my life with. Our meetings have been totally civil, I would not breach your trust or my faith by acting any other way. He has stated that his feelings for me are strong, as mine are for him. His feelings are so strong in fact he wished to immerse himself in Islam in order to make an honerable bid for my hand. Would you please consent to meeting him?"

 

Well?

 

If that doesn't work....I say study until you are able to leave home and make a life free from the restrictions your parents are placing on you.....but I'd say that talking is at least worth a try!

[isisastaria]

Not a bad idea...for an American. Not all people of this culture and faith would take that as respectful. It depends upon the family and their way of doing things. But that scares me, honestly.

[Locke2121]

You find honesty frightening?

[isisastaria]

Not at all . I find her getting beat or killed frightening.

[isisastaria]

I am shocked at the amount most people in most countries know about this culture and religion.

[valiantv]

In this situation it hasnt a damn thing to do with the AMERICAN GOVERNMENT. If you use that line in a asian/middle eastern family argument the answer you will get is "you can take the AMERICAN government policies and shove it!". As we all know, american governemnt policies just suck when it comes to family structures and boast ignorance before common sense and understanding.

I think the point was that there is nothing legally requiring her to stay with her parents. She could go off and make her own life and there would be nothing they can do to stop her. (And a lot of family structures boast ignorance before common sense and understanding themselves, as Lovehurtz's seems to do.) However the problem in this case seems to be that she would be shooting herself in the foot with regard to the college thing, so my advice would be to wait until she is done with college and make her own life then.

 

But to be honest I am not a big fan of organised religion, but I do believe the commandment requiring you to "Honour your father and mother" assumes that your father and mother love you... And I know very little about Muslim culture and religion. But the more I hear about "Honour killings", arranged marriages, and the general abuse of women, the less I like it. What the hell is a "Woman's room"? It sounds pretty chilling...

[lovehurtz]

adlkfjkladjfahhhhhh....this is sooo hard.

 

valiantv: in early historic times, when the roots of all the religions were being built...you know that Islam gave women the most rights out of most religions in that time period? ISLAM itself, is a very beautiful religion that emphasizes good values like Christianity and Judaism and Hinduism...etc seem to do. its the CULTURE that has completely destroyed that image. I mean, is "honour killings?" or "woman's room?" hahaha. I feel like the culture of middle-east has literally destroyed the image of Islam in people's eyes and I dont feel like blaming Americans and other Europeans of having the wrong image of Islam. I blame the corrupt muslims. I mean...jihad? the concept of jihad is going to war when someone is directly interfering with the practice of your religion and AMERICA was CERTAINLY not doing that. Trust me, I am a living, walking, breathing proof of complete contradiction between culture and Islam. They are definitely not the same, I assure you and what you seem to be hearing, is more of the "cultural" side. [:

[Locke2121]

Lovehurtz....forgive me. I just don't understand. I've been raised to believe many things. Family is important, don't hurt the land, believe in God and in yourself just to name a few.

 

Now I am in my year and day study of Wicca. On my birthday in May, I will stand before my God and Goddess and declare myself to be my own person, that I will love all creatures to the best of my abilities. That I will not disgrace or denigrate another person because they don't follow the path that I do. I'm asked to take one year and a day to study other religions and be sure that what I'm going to do is the right thing for me.

 

But every time I hear Muslims or Islamics(whichever you prefer) talk, everyone seems to contridict one another.

 

I know alot of things from my studies...I know that Muslims DO believe in Jesus, much to may Christian's shock. Called ISA, he has been called the Messiah and venerated as a great prophet. I believe this as well, he wasn't THE son of God, but A son of God, as we all are, preaching enlightenment. As usual, the Christian church twisted alot of his words to suit themselves.

 

I know that Islam is a religion of peace, a strict one whose goal is to purify the soul through dedication and through rightous actions.

 

I don't remember the book, but I recall that words of Muhammad stress that believers try to teach unbelievers, but not to take action if they refuse to follow Islam, because their fate is in God's hands, not man's. Also, that all true believers are equal in God's eyes. But day after day, various sects of Islamics fight and kill one another and those that don't follow Islam.

 

I truly don't understand. My religion, Wicca, would bless your union with your soulmate. No matter how many of your family disagreed, they would be powerless to stop it because it is something that was put into motion before you were born. And you would be free to make the decisions that best suit your life. We call it a handfasting, a ceremony where you take the hand of your beloved, in a shady grove or rippling field, and declare to the Gods that the two of you wish to follow the path together until death or the day your paths diverge.

 

Please help me to understand...if Islam is supposed to be so peacefull, so proper, then how can it cause you such harm?

 

Please don't think that I'm denegrating Islam, I'm not....help me to understand.

[valiantv]

Oops, maybe I should have put more on the "organised" part of the word "organised religion"... Read the Bible and you'd think Jesus was all about peace, mercy, charity, forgiveness, acceptance, love for one's neighbour, but fast forward a millennium and a half and what do you see? Wars, crusades, people burning each other, prejudice, persecution, elitism, nationalism... So sorry if my post seemed like an insult to Islam, it wasn't meant that way.

 

if Islam is supposed to be so peacefull, so proper, then how can it cause you such harm?

 

It's probably because it's so peaceful and proper that it causes such harm. Same with Christianity - because it preaches niceness and such good values, that it gains popular support - you want to convert someone to Christian you tell them all about Jesus' good works, you don't tell them about Holy Wars and violence and bigotry. But once it gains that popular support, the authorities can use that support to their own ends. I very much doubt every Muslim has read and analysed the Koran, so if the religious leaders say, "Well Allah wants to do this", then that's enough.

 

This is the main thing I have against organised religion - it's inherent inability to accept challenge (by which I mean if every Muslim did read and analyse the Koran, there'd be a problem for the leaders). I mean does it really say that if a woman wants to drive, she must have a male family member or husband with her?