Looking Away Phenomenon

[spirits]

We're not talking about female/male romance here. Lets say you're in a situation where it is appropriate to greet or say bye. For example: colleagues, friends' friend, so forth. Why is it that some people cannot maintain eye contact? OR they walk in a circle as to avoid the process of saying "hi!"

 

Of course, shyness and not confident at the situation ties into this, but lets be more exact here.

 

Has this happened to you RECENTLY? In what situation would you make eye contact and in what situation would you shy away? (non romantically here). Lets see what we can come up with from examples.

 

- I was at a seminar and the speaker shoke my hand and greeted me - i looked away after 2 seconds of eye contact. [Happened few months ago]

- I was doing exercise and at the end of the session, when I'm just about to leave, I didn't know whether to say bye or not so i looked away and then looked back and said bye. Then i think to myself, why the hell did i hesitate? [Happened Today]

[isisastaria]

THis is a big sign of fear of intimacy which most people have. You have to warm up to someone before laying it on them, you know? Eye contact is important for business and to show someone you trust them or they can trust you.

 

Eye contact is also very personal. You can tell a lot about a person by looking in their eyes. You know the saying; "the eyes are a window to one's soul". I believe It's also a privacy thing in that regard.

 

Um...let's see...

I do that all the time everyday.

[laboheme]

I usually base my eye contact on the other person's eye contact. If I look at the person and he/she is looking at me intently (not really staring or anything...just really looking into my eyes), I tend to crack and look away as much as I can. But if the eye contact is more relaxed (meaning the person is looking at me, but isn't fixated on my eyes), I feel much more comfortable and look back at him/her in the same manner.

[EvaGina]

I do it a lot!!

I get really scared they will try and hug me...

[spirits]

Fear of intimacy... that hit home for me; it's strange because i wasn't like this when i was younger. I was uncomfortable with strangers, but never to an extent where I'd fear intimacy. It's weird. This reminds me of how I would create situations where I wouldn't have to deal with people getting to know me better. I wonder where that stemmed from.

 

Laboheme, I do the same thing. Is it usually with people you don't know that well?

[Locke2121]

Its also a lack of inner confidence in one's own power. I used to do the same thing, its not an easy habit to break but here is how I did it...stare at everybody! As your walking down the street, make eye contact with people, smile in a friendly fashion and move on. As time goes by, you'll be able to hold contact for longer and longer intervals. There is still the urge to look away, and you will sometimes, but not until you've held their gaze for awhile. Good luck!

[isisastaria]

Hey, good one, Locke!

[spirits]

Not confident about what? I was exercising and hesitated in greeting the trainer. That's strange man! Same thing with the speaker!

 

I think authority ties into this

[Altruist]

I'm uncormfortable with glaring at someone. Five seconds is the maximum that I'll look into someone's eyes. It's all about how you look away when you become uncomfortable with the staring. You have to look away slowly and in a relaxed manner.

[Locke2121]

Try my exercise...it really works tronix I promise! I could barely look people in the eye when I started, now I can!

[Altruist]

Try my exercise...it really works tronix I promise! I could barely look people in the eye when I started, now I can!

 

Ya know, I tried your exercise Locke! Wasn't so difficult. What I found surprising was that most women look down as soon as they notice that you are looking at them. Perhaps I am not doing it the right way?

[Locke2121]

Nope...now you got the power brother! Making and hold eye contact has a great deal to do with dominance and power. Ever see a big dog stare down a little dog? basically the same thing here. Except that your not transmitting power, but confidence. But it can be overdone just a bit. Remember, your transmitting confidence, you want to INVITE women with this, not drive them away.

 

Try making a shy or slight smile when you look at women. Slow down the rate you blink. Every now and again, if your really into her, let your eyes flicker to her lips. Let them see into your eyes and know that, while confident, your not threatening.

[Altruist]

Great. Will try that soon...

[spirits]

argg... I've begun a thread about looking away and emphasized not romance, but then it progressively turned out to be about POWER and STARING DOWN AT GIRLS. Jeez.

[Altruist]

argg... I've begun a thread about looking away and emphasized not romance, but then it progressively turned out to be about POWER and STARING DOWN AT GIRLS. Jeez.

 

Lol. Sorry spirits. Anyway, back to the topic...

[HelplesslyLost87]

i have the same looking away problem...the last time it happened to me was at the gym yesterday. members get 5 free sessions with a trainer, i used up my last one about a week ago. yesterday i went to do some situps, then a few minutes later my trainer went to the one right next to me with another client. i just pretended not to see him for a while by just closing my eyes...=/ but then after a while he said whats up to me...i think for me this does have something to do with inner confidence and "fear of intimacy"(nothing romantic, but just afraid to start a relationship/friendship with someone=/)

 

when i walk around i usually have my head down then sometimes i look up into someones eyes just for like a second and then look by down, and the other person does the same alot of the time. i think i dont look "welcoming" i think i look either mean or stupid...

[Locke2121]

argg... I've begun a thread about looking away and emphasized not romance, but then it progressively turned out to be about POWER and STARING DOWN AT GIRLS. Jeez.

 

Sorry! I never meant anything about power over women or staring them down! This is about personal power, the feeling of power within one's self that comes with knowing you can look another person in the eye and not be forced to look away because of your insecurities!

 

Sorry if you got the wrong impression....as for staring the girls down....he was probably looking at them too intensly. They probably thought he was mad or something!

[spirits]

"fear of intimacy"(nothing romantic, but just afraid to start a relationship/friendship with someone=/)

 

DO you think you can identify why you fear intimacy? (afraid to start a relationship/friendship with someone).

 

I'm trying to think why myself. Couldn't come up with an answer.

 

Maybe bad experience in the past that made you feel bad about yourself?

Feeling incompetent at connecting with others?

thinking that we don't have to deal with the complex stuff if we stay by ourselves?

 

Now that i really think about it...

 

Self-absorbed? I think I'm this way. And somehow i feel as though this is the stem that caused many of my relational problems with others and it gets me a bit anxious when talking with people who seemed to have everything together. If i focus more on someone else, i may genuinely be more interested in people, and genuinely wants to hang around with people whom i find interesting to be with.

[Locke2121]

Maybe...but I tend to find that self-absorbed people think to much of themselves to ever worry about intimacy. They can usually look another person in the eye quite easily as well simply because they have no problems with personal power and self-worth.

[spirits]

i must have used the wrong word.

 

Self-conscious would be the better word. To an extent that you would care more about how you perform than focusing externally about other people.

 

I do this whenever i talk with people with authority. Say for example, a dean or school principal. I also tend to do this to those who are at least 15 years older than i am & are in high position OR with anyone with who has high vocabulary and verbal skills.

 

I mean, looking at what i've just said sounds absurd. I can almost give advice to myself just by looking at this message. But when it comes down to doing it, it doesn't work that way.

 

I don't know.

I'm trying to relate what the root cause is to this "looking away phenomenon" and "fear of intimacy". Did what i've just mention happened to you guys? If so, what's this all about?

[Locke2121]

Self-conscious is a better word. This goes back to what I was saying about personal power. If you don't have this power, confidence, willpower...whatever you want to call it, you can view yourself as inferior to other people. If you view yourself that way, you actually don't feel like your able to look another person in the eye.

 

I felt that way for a long time. Shy guy in school, no girls, few friends...I had a horrible self-image. As a consequence, I found it hard to look into another person's eyes. You have to do two things to hone this habit...one, try the exercise I talked about...it will get you used to looking into people's eyes and make it not as scary.

 

The second part is so much harder....believe in yourself. It has taken me years, and the kind help of a wonderful lady, to begin believing in myself. I now know that I'm someone, I have weight, meaning and a purpose. This is the start of creating that personal power I was talking about.

 

Simply believe in yourself spirits. If someone has come up to shake your hand, its because THEY believe that you have worth, that your thoughts or ideas matter. You have to feel that spirits, because once you do, you to will have the power!

[spirits]

I have a pretty good self-image. So i don't think it's that. I kept trying to lead this to authority because i really think that's the thing for my case. I understand that many people have poor self-image and that they generally have a lower confidence level than others, which leads to them looking away and fear intimacy? but in my case, it's just whenever i talk to people whom i believed to have authority over me.

 

Sorry to be selfish and tailor this entirely to my case. But i should thank you too because i am able to verbalize this so specifically.

 

Lets make you an example. You are going inside a school you never been to and your purpose is to schedule a class to students with a receptionist (who basically schedule & controls the functioning of the school [i know, what the hell was the principal doing? I'd rather talk to with principal who actually understands the mission to higher education]. Then you suddenly feel this discomfort chatting with her because a.) she has better communication skills than you and you feel like you are going to screw up with your fluency fairly soon. b.) this whole thing is not entirely my project and i felt responsible to make this perfect. c.) I'm trying to act appropriately in this situation and this may have caused some discomfort.

 

Here are some of the exceptions

I don't get this feeling At All with people who speaks in MY language however high up they may seem (not even millionaires). I don't get this feeling at all with my friends & family. I don't get this feeling when i speak with a total stranger.

I get this feeling if a stranger first initiate the chat. I don't get this feeling if I initiate with a stranger. Just being kept off guard would ignite this feeling where I'll feel like i have to respond quick

 

I get this feeling when someone talks about a subject i don't know of. I don't get this feeling when i know the subject very well.

 

So we are not talking about the same thing here. I have very specific situations where i'd fall apart.

[Locke2121]

Confidence...pure confidence. Thats all you need. You need to build up your inner power to the point that no matter WHO you talk to, your the big brave dog and can look them right in the eye.

 

Who cares if they talk better than you? They are professionals and have said these same things over and over till they have them memorized! Just like you can talk to anyone in your language, your now talking to them in theirs...its the same thing.

 

A thought....if you know something like this is coming up, bone up on the subject so you know what to say and how to say it. You won't be caught unprepared and won't loose that flush of confidence!

 

Even if you can't prepare, be assured that if these people start listening to you talk about your line of work, they will be just as lost as you sometimes feel! Again, simply believe in yourself!!

[super]

interesting topic, i suffer from being shy, quiet, lacking confidence and I rarely hold eye contact with people. I guess i do feel inferior, especially if someone is good looking, well spoken, professional, in power or have good self confidence themselves.

 

i would love to improve myself, i am much better now then i was years ago but lately i do feel myself reverting back slightly. im not sure why i feel this way, i do have a low self image.

[Locke2121]

Then you need to press yourself! You've improved...fine, but you have also most likely reached a point where you are no longer pressing yourself. Since nothing seems as hard as it once did, you feel like your loosing ground!

 

So press yourself....if you can make eye contact now, fine..time to start talking to people. Just asking a stranger the time while making eye contact can be a great way to start...go for it!