Our Ex's no longer exist (I hope this makes sense!)

[gettinthroughit]

Hi, I’ve been reading this site whilst going through my own terrible breakup after 3 years of love and devotion and reading your posts has helped heaps! So I thought it was time I posted!

 

I’ll post my story one day soon, but I just thought I’d share with you guys a realisation I had last night while struggleing to fight off the incredible urge to call her (we’ve been fully broken up for about 3 weeks now and have talked once or twice in that time).

 

My realisation was this,

I can never call her, because she doesn’t exist anymore.

Let me explain myself. I would dial her number hoping to talk to the kelly that I loved and who loved me 6 months ago, but she will never answer the phone because she doesn’t exist anymore. She is only a memory, the kelly who would answer is not the same person who loved me, she is not the same girl I loved and shared my life with, she has moved and changed and grown and will never be the person that I was hoping to talk to. So I am calling a phantom, I am calling hoping to talk to a person who will never answer the phone again.

(I'm even thinking of putting a little sticker of the phantom on my phone to remind me in times of weekness!

 

By the same token, she is no longer my best friend because….basically I know nothing about her now, I don’t know what she likes doing, what she has been doing, I don’t know if she’s got a boyfriend or girlfriend or even what type of person she would go out with. I don’t know who her friends are or what she’s into. Also in the few times I have talked to this new person she hasn’t been incredibly friendly, she has seemed selfish and egotistical.

 

Basically what I’m trying to say is this: if I take away all the love and memories etc and simply go on who she is now and what I know about her since she left me, and I am honest with myself, she is not my best friend, best friends don’t treat eachother like this, and best friends don’t spend entire phone conversations talking about themselves and the cool things they’re doing, Best friends return text messages or emails.

Now she is just a girl who I know nothing about.

So why should I feel compelled to call her? She has made no effort to be my friend so why do I feel the need to be hers?

 

So to all of you struggleing with this same situation, remember this the next time you are desperate to talk to your ex, They are nothing but a phantom now, they don’t exist anymore, grieve for them like they have died and move on, because the people they are now are NOT the people that we would call wanting to talk to, we know nothing about them anymore.

 

So yeah, I don’t know if this makes any sense I’ll probably re-post it once I’ve edited it a bit and I’ll also post the whole damn story and all the things I’ve learnt one day soon.

 

I’m not a bitter twisted man, I’m just a guy who’s trying to make sense of the hell I’ve been living for a while now!!!

 

A

[HAMLETTHUNKTOOMUCH]

THIS REALLY MAKES SENSE. GOOD POST.

[Gilgamesh]

Hello

 

This topic is something I have brought up in advice many times in the past. and its very true.

 

It can never go back to the "way it was" because the person you thought you knew, never exsisted, and if you come to accept that, it makes it much easier to let go.

 

If you knew that the next person you meet, will cheat on you, lie to you, treat you like dirt, would you still want to go on a date with them? of course not. yet every day i see people that want to get back with Exs, that have done these things to them, you see, they are still in love with who they thought they knew, they are in love with a fantasy, an illusion of what they wish were real.

 

Once you realize these things, then you can let go, and start the healing process. it still takes time, but the sooner one lets go of their exs, the sooner they can heal and find a person that will be what they expect.

[gettinthroughit]

Totally Gilgamesh, I'm sure one day I will crack and call, but even then

that little phantom will be looking at me and I'll realise that I am not talking to who I wanted to at all....

we all have moments of weakness, it's what we learn from them that makes them constructive...

 

she is a phantom, a memory that I can cherish for the good times but who will never exist again...

 

it's crazy the things we learn that we always thought we'd never have to!

[hurtntime]

couldnt have said it better myself, the one thing I can say is this, after we broke up I tried taking the high road and still being friends and this is exactly what I found waiting for me. A girl who cared nothing about me, but rather just wanted to use me to feel good about herself. She doesnt ever put effort into being friends so now she can kiss my @$$. Cause its over and done with

[Breaker24]

I can really see the logic behind your advice, but I find it so hard to follow. How does one forget someone with whom you've spent so many years? I know it's true that the person I loved is no longer there, but I'm a victim to my own memories and the promises I made so long ago. It's so easy to say that I'll stop calling her, or emailing her, but I feel so compelled to know how she's doing and to know that she's doing well. I worry for someone that I should get over, and kick myself for still thinking of her. And let's say that time passes, and then she realises how wrong she was and makes an attempt to get back with me. (Not likely, but possible?) Should I consider the offer or turn her away because of her first betrayal? If possible could I hear from someone who's followed that old saying, "If you love someone enough then let them go, and if they come back to you it's real love." I just want to know how you can trust someone again.

[hurtntime]

Breaker I understand what your saying, but the whole post is about her being a different person now and NOT the person that you fell so madly in love with. And if by chance your ex does comeback later, then thats a decision you make then, but you dont hold on now hoping beyond hope they comeback because if thats the case your only looking back to the past. Doing that and you miss the next great thing coming and before you know it your life just passed you by

[Gilgamesh]

I agree with Hurtntime, I also cherish all the fond memories and great times I had with my ex, whats so odd is they were good times right up to the break up.

 

But you see, in the past, I would never ever expected that she was capable of doing what she did to me my love and trust for her was 100% and never had not even the least doubt of her love for me.

 

But if she was to come back into my life, I could never have that trust in her, because I know better now. she Is not the same person I thought I knew. she is very capable of hurting me for no reason and on purpose.

 

The experinces were real, but who I thought she was, were not.

 

Can a person forgive, well yes, can people change, of course. can you expect that to happen in the real world 100%, very unlikely. I dont need to stick my hand in fire twice to know its hot

[mfurb33]

Excellent post Gettinthroughit....that totally made sense and allowed me (and hopefully others) to look at things from yet another perspective. It's very true though....we tend to want to go back to what our ex's WERE...forgetting that that person isn't there anymore. Wow. To me, and it may just be the stage I'm in during my "breakup grief process" (lol!), that post really was powerful. I don't know what happened in your relationship or what, but thinking like that only 3 weeks into it is quite an accomplishment. Cheers to you, my friend...and thank you for sharing.

[gettinthroughit]

breaker24,

like gilgamesh and hurtn said, you can still love, but the key (to me) is to realise that I am in love with a memory, I can never call her again, and for me to worry about what she's doing now or who she's seeing is stupid because I don't know her anymore, I am worried about what my kelly from 6 months ago is doing whereas in reality it's a totally different girl who I know nothing about doing things that I don't know about...so how crazy is it to obsess over that? why go nuts over situations that you have no influence over at all? Focus on YOU focus on having a mental time with your friends, do stupid stuff that you know she wouldn't have approved of, enjoy being single...there is some stuff missing I agree, but there is still heaps of cool stupid stuff you get to do now! you know?

 

If my (or your or anyones) ex does come back the key as I see it will be to SLOWLY get to know them again, FROM SCRATCH do not take any expectations into it based on what you had before, get to know them as the person they are NOW and see if she is someone you'd like to see again, of course any previous infidelity should be an instant veto,

 

why go back to someone who cheated on you? no matter how sorry they are...they still betrayed you!

[aragorn80]

hey people,

two days ago, my girl left me cause she said she didnt want to be in a relationship anymore and she just wanted time for herself. We would always argue about stupid things and i just cant help to remember memories of how perfect everything was in the beginning. we went out for almost a year and it was my first relationship as well and the first girl i ever loved. (Im 22 ) my question is i am so hurt and depressed and i feel like crying all the time because of how much i loved her and i loved being with her.......i just think she lost that feeling for me.....what do i do now? I dont have any friends and the only people i know is at work. I put away all her things and i took her and her familys numbers out of my phone. Its hard for me trying to remember how life was before her because i never really did anything before we met. (We met at my old workplace) How long will I feel like this? what are the steps..........even her mom thinks that well be back together because she just thinks that her daughter is confused or something.....should i just leave her alone and give her proper time to think to see if thats whats she really wants? should i wait a couple weeks to see what happens or get my self out to clubs and such.? its just sucks that i fell so hard for her and i gave so much time and not to have it returned hurts, ya know? please give advice...............

[Gilgamesh]

Hello Aragon

 

Your doing the right thing in giving her the space she needs, I dont want to give you any false hopes, but the best thing you can do is not make her feel guilty or bad for her decision, this will only force her to find more justification in what she has done and push her further away.

 

it could be that she is only confused, and needs to look at her relationship from a distance to see if its what she was looking for, it is possible that she may come to the realization that its exactly what she wants later.

 

Just let her know, that youll be there for her if she wants to talk, and that you understand her, and respect her wishes.

 

Its the best you can do.

 

Now here is some other advice, your life shouldnt be one that you need others to be happy, having a loved one is a wonderful thing, and I look forward to finding my true love someday, but I can function without her for now.

 

You need to find out who you are, and what you like, you need to identify who you are, this is important, because you need to know so that you will know who youll be happy with, dont lose your identity in someone else.

 

You share who you are in a relationship, you dont become the other person.

 

What has happened to you is painful, it will take time, it does get easier the more time that passes.

 

get out and do stuff, re-decorate or re-arange your house, go to a gym, change your hairstyle, browse the bookstores, get some idea of something that might interest you, once you find something you like you will meet people that have those same interest and make new friends.

[LuckyDuck]

gettinthroughit

 

It is truly that you realized this within only three weeks of your break up. I never thought of my ex being a different when I call her now. She does answer but she seems so cold, not the warm hearted person that made me feel wanted. This is a completely different perspective to look at. I look forward to reading your entire story of your break up. I am sure others are looking forward to that as well.

great post