Scared of ex-bf

[scaredtodeath]

I dated this guy back in high school for 17 months. It was a bad relationship- he was verbally abusive, and took my virginity from me (We tried and it hurt so I said stop and he said it would be fine and kept going. That isn't me saying yes!) I finally realized it would be the best thing for me to get rid of him, so I broke up with him. That was the beginning of my senior year, in October of 2004. I had a hard time getting over him. I don't really remember if we talked very often or not, I'm pretty sure we didn't because my parents didn't allow it. Looking back, I should have listened to them earlier.

In late March of 2005, we went on a date. The next Monday, at school, he explained it was not going to be the hold-hands-walk-to-class-together type relationship we used to have. I told him that wasn't good enough, and crushed my own heart again.

I'm now in school in Mississippi- home is North Carolina. He hunted me down, found my screenname for AIM and contacted me. I told him I wanted nothing to do with him.

Several times, his sister, mom and him have all contacted me, trying to get me to get back together with him. I'm terrified of this guy. I don't even want to think of the things he'd do to me.

Over summer break, I was worried that I'd be home alone and he'd come over to the house. Everyone thought I was crazy, that I was overexaggerating. Guess who showed up while I was alone? Luckily, I was in the front part of the house, by the grace of God, and realized it was him and hid. I went and crawled under the table and cried like a baby.

His sister found my on facebook and sent me this message, please excuse any typos, this is a direct copy:

 

hay .. i thought id send u a quick email... if ur currently not seeing anyone and are still interested in daniel, let me know... he was at my house sun and i was going through pictures... i found some of u and some of u and him and when he seen them he took them from me.... daniel is still in love with u.... he hasnt seemed to be happy since yall broke up... i know hes dating hilary now, but its not as serious as she makes it seem.... he aint really into her.... daniel still wants you.... im sick of seeing daniel not happy and seeing him misrable... i know damn well if u came around hed say * * * * her and shed be history...... i just was wondering if u were seeing someone or if ur single and are interested in daniel still... my mom and i have talked and shes said that shed love for yall to get together..... u were his first and only love.... please email me back here or at ******@link removed thanks.. michelle

 

And I firmly, but politely replied back:

 

I don't want anything to do with him. I want him out of my life, and I have told him that. Please just leave me alone.

 

 

I just don't feel like this is enough. I'm dreading going home for anything because I know he's going to be there. I just wish I could get him out of my life. It's not normal for a mother to be so concerned with her grown son's romantic life, or for the whole family to be determined for the relationship to rebuild itself.

 

His mother told me it was okay to have sex. My parents are wait until marriage type people. His mom lost her virginity when she was 17 and his dad was 11! She said it was okay for us to have sex, and bought us condoms. She also used to buy me cigarettes at 15 years old and allow her 16 year old son to drink with her and play drinking games with her.

 

I hate that family, I hate everything about every single one of them, and I want them out of my life. I don't know how though. "I want you out of my life" didn't seem to work because the sister emailed me. I feel unsafe, and threatened and nobody knows that I have justification, in my mind at least, because nobody really knows what he did to me.

 

When you can you file a restraining order? Where's the line between okay and not okay? What do I have to do to get my point accross?

 

And another thing that bothers me, that really isn't my business, but I can't help but feel bad about is that Hilary has a child. She's 19 and had a child in December and talks about marrying Daniel. I wish I could contact her and tell her what Michelle sent me, but we aren't friends, never really have been. I know her and she knows me, but we've never been close in any way. I just can't help but wish she knew what she thought was so wonderful isn't really all that wonderful and I don't want her to wind up hurting more, but I can't really do anything about that without it looking like I don't want the two of them together. Which I don't, but not for me, for her. I'm in a fabulous relationship and have been for over a year and a half. The only thing I want is for Daniel to drop off the face of the planet, or at least whatever part I'm on.

 

I can't sleep because of all this, and I guess I just really wanted to get it off my chest. If anyone made it this far, thanks for reading it all!

[caro33]

Wow they certainly sound like a family determined to get you guys back together hey!

 

I don't know about restraining orders etc. I think your response to Michelle was clear and to the point - maybe they won't contact you again? If they do contact you you can always say that you will be talking to lawyers if they contact you again - that might scare them off.

 

In the meantime, you sound a bit traumatised. Does your current boyfriend know about this? Do you have people to talk to and be with you?

[mintblossom]

omg. i feel bad for you just reading that.

 

i had an ex who would literally stalk me down the street and who would break into my apartment and "surprise me." he really wanted to show me that he had power over me. BUT it literally freaks me out to think that he could even get near me ever again. i also had an ex who forced me the first time. i was trying to push him off and i said i didnt want to, i said no and he did it anyways. afterwards i cried so hard and he said i "ruined" it. i wanted to wait for someone i loved, cared, and trusted and to be married first. but he didn't care.

 

the thing to do with people like that is to IGNORE. do not reply to emails, phonecalls, aims. DO NOT. just pretend they are dead. keep all copies of emails, phone records, anything. if he becomes threatening or you feel he would threaten you, then you will be able to take documentation to the police.

 

i absolutely hated my ex's family. when i was with him, they made me do a lot of housework and then would complain about what a horrible job i did. i was treated like a maid servant and his mom was not nice to me. when i wanted nothing to do with him, his mom became all nice to be again. you know why? because they know he is a difficult handful and they want to pawn him off on someone else. if you are the sweet submissive type, they know he will take out all his * * * * on you so they wont have to take it.

 

dont respond. dont even acknowledge them. i was frightened and scared before too. actually, i still get uncomfortable because im afraid of him.

[scaredtodeath]

I've kind of alluded to my current bf about what happened between the ex and I , but we kind of both dislike hearing about past relationships, so he doesn't want to listen. I can't tell my parents, and I guess it's silly, but I promised my mom I wouldn't have sex unless she bought me birth control and then I did it anyhow. She knows now, kind of. She thinks it was the current guy. I severed all ties with everyone back home because that relationship was controlling and so unbelievably far beyond unhealthy and even after I broke up with him, I never rebuilt any of those friendships. So when I go home, no, there's really no one.

 

And I know it's irrational, but everytime I see his car, I tense up and start to freak out- hard time breathing, crying, that sort of thing. I'm scared he's going to wind up down here looking for me. I guess that makes me kind of crazy, huh?

[scaredtodeath]

 

i absolutely hated my ex's family. when i was with him, they made me do a lot of housework and then would complain about what a horrible job i did. i was treated like a maid servant and his mom was not nice to me. when i wanted nothing to do with him, his mom became all nice to be again. you know why? because they know he is a difficult handful and they want to pawn him off on someone else. if you are the sweet submissive type, they know he will take out all his * * * * on you so they wont have to take it.

 

 

That's awful! I'm really glad you got away from that, and I honestly hope nothing like that ever happens to you again.

[caro33]

Not crazy but traumatised. You're holding a lot of fear and tension in here, and I'm just wondering if you can find a way to release it and start feeling better.

 

I think the part of you telling your b'f goes beyond usual "telling your b'f stuff about the ex" scenarios and takes you into important terrain. This is affecting you now, and you need someone to help you. You've been together for over 18 months? How do you think he would react if you shared your fear with him?

[mintblossom]

i don't think that makes you crazy at all. in fact, you are having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. no one should have their space and personal comfort zone invaded by someone who has hurt them in the past.

 

if you have no one to talk to, keep writing on here. i find it helps me...or call a crisis center....(there are several different kinds) and it helps to talk with an anonymous person. or even a rape crisis center......i don't know what they do there but i think it's reassuring to know you're normal.

 

if i even thought my ex would come here, i would fear for my life and for my family because he is absolutely crazy mean and would have no qualms about hurting me. sometimes im afraid he will track me down and try to permanently maim or kill me. im not kidding. it's natural and very OKAY to be afraid.

[scaredtodeath]

Not crazy but traumatised. You're holding a lot of fear and tension in here, and I'm just wondering if you can find a way to release it and start feeling better.

 

I think the part of you telling your b'f goes beyond usual "telling your b'f stuff about the ex" scenarios and takes you into important terrain. This is affecting you now, and you need someone to help you. You've been together for over 18 months? How do you think he would react if you shared your fear with him?

 

 

He knows I'm scared, and he's promised that if this guy ever shows up, he'll make sure it's the last. He's coming home with me over spring break, and in some weird way, I want Daniel to show up. I want to stand in my front yard and scream at the top of my lungs for all the world to hear that he isn't welcome here and the next time he contacts me, he'll be dealt with in some legal manner.

 

All I want is to escape my past. I've tried so hard to run from it, so hard to not be that person any more, and it's not fair to me for him to be holding on after so long. What did I do that has kept his interest two and half years after breaking up?

 

i don't think that makes you crazy at all. in fact, you are having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. no one should have their space and personal comfort zone invaded by someone who has hurt them in the past.

 

if you have no one to talk to, keep writing on here. i find it helps me...or call a crisis center....(there are several different kinds) and it helps to talk with an anonymous person. or even a rape crisis center......i don't know what they do there but i think it's reassuring to know you're normal.

 

if i even thought my ex would come here, i would fear for my life and for my family because he is absolutely crazy mean and would have no qualms about hurting me. sometimes im afraid he will track me down and try to permanently maim or kill me. im not kidding. it's natural and very OKAY to be afraid.

 

I thought I was the only one that was that scared. Everyone I've talked to (parents, bf, family friends) thinks I'm being a little melodramatic, but I'm not. Some people really are that awful, and I'm glad the people I've talked to haven't ever dealt with something like this before. I've had dreams of him coming over and doing god-awful things to me and then dreams where I went and found my daddy's gun and shot him. Killed him. Made him suffer like he's made me suffer. I don't think I could actually do that, but I would love for him to feel half of what I've felt.

 

 

 

 

And the thing is- he knows what he did was wrong. One of the times he IMed me was to apologize for the way he treated me. I told him I appreciated that (it really helped me get a little closer to being better) and that he needed to let me get my life together and in order without him in it. And I thought that was the end. I thought we both got that closure. I guess not.

 

 

I do go to a psychiatrist and when I mentioned the relationship, and what happened in it, he scribbled something down and that was that. All we ever talk about is small talk type stuff- how classes are going, how nice it's getting outside, food, that sort of thing. Whatever happened to ink blots and laying on couches?

[caro33]

How about counselling of some sort? Have you done that, and if not, would you consider it?

[scaredtodeath]

I've tried a few different places, but nobody wants to focus on that. My whole life changed, I changed. That relationship destroyed who I was and who I wanted to be. Right now, I'm halfway to a bachelor's degree and planning out my master's. To put things in perspective, if I had not gotten out of that relationship, i would have 3 children by now, live in a trailer park and would have not gone to college. He didn't want to go, so I wasn't going to either. That's not what I want. I want to be filthy rich, and own a great big house and lots of cars and fancy clothes, and I want to earn that. I want to work my butt off and be able to look back at all the things I've accomplished and be proud of what I've done. But I can't, because that holds me back.

 

And I know it sounds silly, but right now, my biggest dream is to go shopping on Rodeo Dr and actually buy something. And I can't believe I'm admitting that.

[mintblossom]

oh wow, props. how were you able to change your life?

 

my "ex" and i really hate calling him that btw was a total loser. i was in college and he did not have a high school degree. i was in a very vulnerable state and i slowly got broke down and caught up with him. i ended up dropping out of college......totally lost who i was.

 

i always wanted to have that big house, nice cars and be able to afford that lifestyle because i wanted to show people (and most of all myself) that i was not who they made me out to be. i've had some many ppl including guys put me down...that i want to be able to achieve the dream!!

 

so i don't think your rodeo dr dream is that silly. it reminds me of myself. i have one year of college to finish and i want to accomplish something so that i'll know im worth something. (sometimes in my worst moments, i would go to the this beautiful luxury shopping center near here and just walk around window shopping....it would always make me feel better)

 

i always always think i was lucky to get away from him because if i had married him, my life would be hell. i would stuck working at a deadend job, living with his mean crazy family, trying to support all of them financially, if i had kids i would have to take care of them all by myself (because he never does anything), i would isolated from my family, and i would be a beaten down shell of a person from his constant abuse.

 

there's been moments where i want to buy a new pair of shoes just to tell myself that i'm choosing to walk a different path now.