need some help

[Robert123]

Hi everyone,

 

I need some advice from you guys about my relationship. I've been dating a girl for 10 months now. We are both 22. When we first started dating she told me that she needed a year before having sex because of her Christian upbringing, that she felt like she needed to be in a relationship for a year before losing her virginity (yes we are both virgins). I decided that that was alright with me because already I had felt a strong connection with her.

 

It's been 10 months now and I still feel a deep connection between us. I love her very much and I know that she loves me very much as well. I have been happy with our relationship, emotionally at least, as we get along really great and I love spending time with her. We do have intimacy, but basically the furthest she lets me go is kiss her breasts, and anything with the genitals is off limits. I feel as though I'm ready to move things further, like we are constantly holding back.

 

But last night she told me that she only wants to have sex with one person in her life, the person that she marries, and that she needs another year before she can commit to something like that. This has totally turned my world upside down. How can I marry someone unless I know for sure that I can be satisfied emotionally and physically? I explained that to her and she told me that that is "reasonable," but she still does not feel ready to start being sexually intimate anytime soon.

 

I feel really torn right now. We get along so well... we rarely fight, and we both love spending our days together. She has been a really great girlfriend to me and always very supportive. But I feel as though 2 years without sex is not a healthy relationship at all and I'm worried that I'm wasting my youth away when I could be experiencing so much more.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks and take care,

Robert

[Daligal83]

It comes down to compatibility. She has every right to want to wait until marriage, and you have every right to not want to wait. You can't make her change her mind though..and would you really want to? I can't imagine having sex with someone when it went against their beliefs.

 

You just have to decide if you're willing to wait or not. If it's important enough to you that you are physical before being married, then you are not the right ones for each other and it's time to move on.

[rikka]

It comes down to compatibility. She has every right to want to wait until marriage, and you have every right to not want to wait. You can't make her change her mind though..and would you really want to? I can't imagine having sex with someone when it went against their beliefs.

 

You just have to decide if you're willing to wait or not. If it's important enough to you that you are physical before being married, then you are not the right ones for each other and it's time to move on.

 

I can't add anymore than that. She has made a choice and you have to decide if that choice is compatible with you or not.

[answersguy]

Robert,

 

First off, how old are you? Secondly, if you are old enough to consider the idea of marriage even down the road, could you see yourself potentially married to this girl? Finding someone that you can click with physically and mentally for ten months is hard to find, a piece of A** isn't. You may want to look for a middle ground like after the year moving on to third base and keeping it there as long as she wants. She probably feels pressured now by her previous statement about waiting a year. If it were me, I'd let her know that because I care about her I want her to know that her body is hers and she has no physical obligations but that I would like to move on one step further. My first girlfriend was the same way, I put zero pressure on her and she ended up advancing things quicker than I would have because I made her so comfortable and she knew I wasn't trying to use her. Just some food for thought.

[TheFoglifter]

Everyone has said it pretty well -- it comes down to whether or not she is worth the wait. Here are some things to keep in mind though.

 

1) She pulled a bait and switch on you. She told you a year without sex, and now 10 months into it she is saying another year. I bet at month 23 she's going to say "not until we are married". At that point you will have invested 2 years and have gotten no sex.

 

2) You guys do need to meet in the middle. It is extremely selfish of her to demand something without giving something. If she isn't willing to go further and at least give you blowjobs and stuff, then you are going to come to a standoff situation. If that happens explain to her that you love her a lot, and you will respect her wishes, but you feel that you need to get something in return, especially since she pulled a bait and switch.

 

3) If you are not equally religious (and of the same religion) then you have to expect that this inconvenience is just the first of many. Have you been baptized? Do you go to church on sundays? Do you want to tithe? You may love each other very much, but she loves God more, and you can't win if she has to choose.

 

I'm not saying this is wrong at all, but it may be wrong for you. The church's stance on sex is not exactly parallel to society's. Birth control is a strict no-no, and sex is only for procreation. If you stay with her, it will probably be 3 years before you have sex, and then each time you do it will probably result in another kid.

 

Excommunicate her.

[answersguy]

Foglifter,

 

You had some valid points but I really think if you pull the "you owe me" card that it will backfire big time. She will either

1. Go along with it out of obligation and end up resentful and feel dirty about it or

2. Pull even farther back and be even less comfortable

 

Girls like that have a very specific mindset, they've held on to their virginity for so long that they're comfortable with it. They have to make up their mind on their own that it's time to "share the expeirience" with someone they truly love. All women are differant but pressure tend to have VERY bad results with long time virgins. I really recommend 0 pressure, let her know that although you know she is the one you want to "share the experience" that you love her and she's worth waiting for. Then when it comes to intimacy, when youre making out, gently touch and caress the bottom of her stomache along her pant or panty line. but don't try to cross her boundries. View it as respecting her or view it as reverse psychology but either way, it's probably the only way you'll advance with this girl. It's alot better if you say she's worth the wait and mean it though.

[ghost69]

is there a reason you have been a virgin so long? do you share the same belief as her? i'm not that into the religious thing so i don't stick to morals of what the bible says, or whatever. now, i couldn't imagine not having sex before marriage. i've had some women that were just horrible at it. and if i was to marry them to find that out, i'd be very disappointed later. just a thought. but you do need to ask yourself, you have a great girl, is she really worth the wait? also, how would you feel if you let her go and she met someone else?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think another big wedge in the relationship might be how religious she is versus how religious you are, virginity is just part of that. you need to decide if this is someone you might want to marry, and start having lots of discussions about her expectations for how you will behave as a couple once married. i.e., church attendance, how many children, private christian education for the kids, will be expect to stay home rather than work, no drinking allowed, etc. etc. also, what type of sexual activities will be allowed, and which will she not participate in because of her religious beliefs?

 

so first see if you total future lifestyle will be compatible, then consider the virginity issue. if you don't want to live the way she does, then i think it best to break it off now so she can find someone who believes the same, and you can too. you also run the risk of waiting another year, and she says she wants to wait another year, etc. etc. and would you actually marry her without having sex if she refuses to unless she is married?

 

for some people, sexuality is very important to them and a relationship, and other people can take it or leave it, or not like it at all. if you do think sex is very important for you, it is risky marrying someone whose comptability in that area is an unknown.

[TheFoglifter]

That may be the truth, but I think its unfair and hypocritical that girls get to change their mind all the damn time without consequences, repercussions, or compensation, whereas if a guy suggests something, its inked in stone and is unbreakable without massive horrible consequences.

 

It is my opinion that she had NO intention of having sex before marriage, but didn't want to tell you that for fear of scaring you away. Apparently in her twisted value system its OK to lie when it benefits her.

 

I don't think its fair or smart for you to continue to get emotionally invested in this relationship. What happens if you finally DO propose and her parents object? Or worse, what if they allow it, but are frosty to you forever?

 

Find someone better.

[ghost69]

she said not for a year, now it's not until marriage. she wants you to marry her. don't get trapped here just for some sex.

[TheFoglifter]

God will hate you if you marry her just for sex.

[ghost69]

u don't want that.

[Robert123]

Thank you very much everyone for taking the time out of your lives to help me. I wanted to thank you all sooner but I've been having an extremely stressful week. But it's very comforting to know that there are people here who are so willing to help a complete stranger like myself with life's struggles. Thank you.

 

I might write more about our relationship later but things are improving between us as we have had many long open talks these past few days and we have a better understanding of where each of us is coming from. There are still a lot of things that I need to think about, but at least a lot of my concerns have been settled.

 

Thanks again,

Robert

[ghost69]

awesome. good luck.