Have moved out to give her space to think

[Hootz]

Hi all,

 

Just need a sympathetic shoulder, and maybe some advice, if you have any.

 

About 4 months ago, my wife told me that she was unhappy in our marriage (8 years March 6th), so since then we have been going to councilling, but things have been getting worse. We have been arguing quite a lot, usuallyabout the lack of caring shown by my wife towards me, or the fact that she spends more time, and shows a lot more commitment to her friends than me. Sometimes this is not the case, just my over-reaction....

So after a discussion last night, we agreed that I would move out for a few days to give her time and space to "sort her head out", and work out what she really wants, me or not me. I love my wife dearly, and just want that love returned. We have two kids, 5years, and 3years, I bawled my eyes out this morning when I had to tell them that I was going away for a few days, and 5years begged me not to go, which really hurt!!!

I am just hoping that my wife uses the time to think, and remember happier times, and want to have those happier times again.

[Semid]

Sorry hootz, this is very hard. I hope that you take your time too to sooth things out.

 

Take care. and keept councillng..... maybe things get better.

 

Good luck

[Hootz]

Thanks for your reply.

I don'ttink the councilling is helping very much. She asked me last night if I thought that we should try a new councillor, I said that it couldn't hurt, but I don't think that we confirmed anything....

[Wandering_Sword]

At least she's willing to look or suggest another councillor. Hang in there, I know its tough but as long as both of you are willing to seek help that is always a positive sign. Keep strong, You have the strength and courage to ride this out. I believe in you.

[Hootz]

Thanks foryour support. This is the first time I have ever been away from my wife and kids with no contact, and even though it's only been a few hours, I miss all of them dearly, and am willing to do ANYTHING to make everything right. I am at work at the moment, and I can't stop my self from crying, which is really difficult to cover up. I still don't know where I am going to stay, as I don't want to get any of my friends involved.....

[kevin_the_one]

Hootz,

 

For a second there I thought I had wrote that, my wife has been very cold, acts like the end of 11 yr marriage doesn't even bother her, I'm starting to understand this is her way of coping and pushing me away. At least this is what i keep telling myself. I won't leave the house based on legal advice and Im just hoping she leaves the kids so I don't have to go through the pain of not seeing them everyday.

[Hootz]

Thanks for the support. I feel that maybe I could love someone else one day (if things don't work out), but I couldn't be a part-time Dad, my kids are my world!!!!!!

[bacci]

If this counselor is not helping much, go ahead and change counselors, another one might elicit more openness or teach you better relationship skills. Communication is good but there's a time for processing things and reflecting and then there's a time to be quiet, where talking too much about things doesn't help, but puts pressure and it is important to not rush into lifechanging decisions,do not make any drastic moves, spend time with your children and be friendly towards her, hold actions until you enlist another counselor, . If there are activities that the family enjoy, like a stroll at the park, ido that invite her to join, but no pressure, no relationship talk without the moderating of a counselor (again find another one and/or discuss with the one you have now that you don't feel you're making enough progress) continue with whatever you have in your life that gives you structure, i.e. work, do talk to your friends for support, give her some time to herself, to go through her process.Healing takes time, sometimes things get worse before they get better, be optimistic and calm, nurture yourself and her and your little family. Love yourself, if you work on your own self you'll be able to be supportive, worrying will deplete your resources,take it one day at a time, enjoy your little ones, ask what would be a good time to come see them, perhaps offer she can take a break, run errands, have a manicure, make sure you have some time with your kids, reading to your kids, playing with them, no drama, they take their cues from you, if you're ok they'll be ok. No worries, you'll never lose your children, no matter what, but for now just focus on the NOW, don't jump ahead, and be calm. She sounds like she hasn't decided its over yet.

Take care.

[houdini]

My heart and prayers go out to you Hootz.. Hang in there man, I know it's tough and I wish there were more people like us that understood how important it is to keep a family together (I'm dieing without my son!!!) and not be so quick to throw in the towel. Your wife is atleast willing to seek help with you so that's a good sign, hang in there and don't be pushy and take it slow.

 

May god bless you and your family and may he give you and your family the strength to get through this troubled time in your lives.

 

 

Mario

aka "Houdini"

[Hootz]

Thank you all for your support. I posted the same thing on another forum, and just read the following reply, which has bottomed me out! I don't think I can get any lower......

 

Hootz, you comment: but she says that she doesn't feel that I can change that much in such a short space of time.........

That is exactly what my husband said to me, word for word. He dangled me for a couple of months, and all along had someone else. I am sorry but this has upset me, and I am hoping for your sake, that your wife does not have anyone else, and that there is a chance for you. My husband had no intention of coming back, but it is only retrospect that tought me that. As for the male persona, do you think she may be experimenting with the same sex? My thoughts are with you

[bacci]

Hootz,

If you are that low get away from the computer and go take a brisk walk, while you wlak breath away all those negative thoughts you're having, they're not real, you're just losing perspective and making things worse for yourself. Don't play mind games, don't feed negative thoughts , don't make things worse than they actually are. I am sorry the poster's husband lied to her, but you must agree that your wife is a different person and she deserves at least the benefit of doubt. I think she has been attending counseling, she seems to be willing to try another counselor, that doesn't sound as giving up on your marriage just yet, so don't imagine the worst possible secenario.

You need to fight depressive thoughts, think of your kids, I'm sure the little one makes funny remarks that make you laugh, remember that!

be strong for them because they need you, they woul probably enjoy some daddy time, I don't know if you made arrangements to keep in contact with the kids but I think you should, perhaps she can be in the house when you visit, perhaps she can use that time to herself. Either way, I suggest you to give her a call and ask about the children and make arrangments to spend time with your children. That will cheer you up, be reassuring to your kids,show commitment to your family and that you are willing to give her the space she needs without putting pressure. .

Relax. She hasn't left you, your move is temporary. when you talk to her don't bring your issues up, ask if there's anything you can do to help, (if you can bring groceries or something) oh and find another counselor, and coordinate with your wife to make an appointment

would you share some of the issues you've facing in your marriage and what have you done to work things out?

Please take a deep breath and a short walk.

Bacci

[Hootz]

Hi Bacci,

Thanks for your input.

She texted me last night to see if I wanted to say goodnight to the kids before they went to bed, so I rang and she answered like she didn't have a care in the world (which upset me a little), then passed me onto my 5 year old daughter, who said that she missed me,and she cried at school because she missed me, then she asked if I was coming home tomorrow, and I just said that I don't know, that I love her, and good night. Then I talked to my 3 year old son, who said that he missed me as well, so I told him to be strong, I love you, and good night. Then talked to wife, who asked if I was alright, and I replied yes, are you?, and she said that she was fine, she told me to take care of myself, and tat she would talk tome tomorrow. I read so much about "NC" in this forum, and I don't know whether I should try and maintain NC, or just roll with the punches...?

[bacci]

The way I see it you're still married and the time to do NC for you would come if she asked for a divorce,because NC is not a tactic to manipulate other people but a means to heal from a breakup.Not your situation at this point.

This is what i suggest you do: do not indulge in negative self talk and keep some physical activity. Maintain limited contact with your wife, when you do talk to her, preferably wait for her to call, be nice and try to remain calm, try not to read much on your wife's tone of voice, (for one you are missing her body language and I'm afraid you'll just project all your fears).

The most important thing is to make sure the kids sail smoothly through this crisis, so when you see them and talk to them,try to avoid any drama, if they tell you they miss you, acknowledge that feeling, reassure them you love them and remind them of what you're planning to do together when you see them later in the day or in the week (and needless to say follow through) focus on how much fun you'll have, that's what you can do to help them feel safe, they need to feel safe in your connection, they do not need to know anything else, whatever is going on between mommy and daddy is something mommy and daddy will resolve,reassure them that it will be ok, that you'll both make sure of that no matter what, everyone will be ok, they don't need to be strong they need YOU to be strong, strong enough to be there for them. Your wife will be grateful and supportive of your relationship with the kids if she sees that it has a good effect on them, don't use them as bait to get to her, I would get defensive if you used my kids feelings to get to me. I am a mom too so I am putting your kids first because that how it must be.

Follow your wife's lead and call again to wish them good night, tell the kids you'll see them pretty soon and think of an activity that the three of you can enjoy. Talk to your wife and make arrangements to see the kids, you must do this.

Now, your wife seems to care about your well being,and I don't think that "she doesn't have a care in the world", I think you handled the conversation with her well, you didn't crash, remember to be gentle, friendly, not put more pressure at this point. Search for a new counselor immediately, and consult with her which of the available time slots work. I don't know why you left your home, was it her idea? Were you fighting all the time? Would it be ok for you to come home to see the kids? just avoid talking about the relationship for now, you need to enlist some professional help. But what does she say is the root of your problems? why has she distanced herself?

All I'm trying to help you do now is to precipitate things, I think that a little bit of peace, quiet time, will let off some built up pressure and create an opening for some healing. Right now it is crucial you don't do anything that precipitates an unwanted outcome. You guys need to address your issues,yes, but with professional help, and I think you need to deescalate tension first and you personally need to gather your strength back, see this trial separation (if its even that) as an opportunity for both of you to calm down, to get some clarity, to go through your process, think of what you both wuld need to do in order to make things work, do you know?.

Do as she says, take care of yourself, that means, eat well,try to get enough rest, talk to someone you trust, do some exercise, try to take things calmly and one day at a time, and enjoy your wonderful babies.

A lot is at stake, and its not going to be resolved in one day or one week, iany resolution will take time, effort, all you are, you need to get your strength for the long run, this is an opportunity, do not waste it, use this time wisely, it is critical that you do so.

Hang in there,

B

[Hootz]

Thanks for this, it is really helping me keep perspective.

Yes it was her idea for me to move out for a few days over the weekend, but I packed up some clothes yesterday morning, and told her that I was moving out then. I then sent her a text, "hi. Can you let me know when you have had enough time and space? I love you" Her reply "Ok thanx" When she told me that she was unhappy, she said tat it was because I had been absent, and selfish for a long time, obviously I didn't know and hadn't identified that I was, so I changed my priorities, and focus, and have been trying to give her all the love and attention, that she wanted, but she said that it was over the top, so I backed off, but I was getting nothing in return, which is why the arguments started. I kept getting frustrated that she was showing me no affection, and little attention, compared to her friends. She never believed that she was a priority in my life, but she was always my number 1 priority, I just acted poorly, and didn't let her know. I am still deeply in love with her, as much, maybe more than when we were dating 11 years ago!!!

[Hootz]

Have just spent the last 2 hours with the family at my daughters school swimming sports. It was just like the good old days, with a little aprehension on both of our parts. Except when I had to leave to come back to work. I gave my daughter a kiss and a cuddle, and said that I have to go back to work, and she asked if I would be home at 5 o'clock, and I said that I don't know, I don't think so. And she got upset, so I just told her that I loved her, gave my son a kiss and a cuddle, and said goodbye to my wife, and left. DAMN!! that was hard! I just wanted to find out what she was thinking, how she was feeling, and give her the biggest kiss and cuddle. It hurt to walk away without doing any of that...... but I did it, I hope it was worth it....

I'm not feeling so good at the moment, all I am hanging onto, is that hopefully, she finds it in her heart to try again....

[bacci]

You did perfect. Pat yourself on the shoulder on my behalf. This is the idea, talking is not going to change her perception of how things are between you guys, actions are, let the moments be the best argument you have.Show her how things really can be between you. It is great that you spend this time together, being a family, the good old days were the good NOW days, do you follow?

The attention she needs from you is something you'll figure out when you tune in to her needs, not 'your idea of what attention' means, you'll communicate to her that you're willing to learn how to demonstrate with your actions how important she and your children are to you. And you will learn. This doesn't sound like something that can't be learned right?

You also handled things well with your daughter, don't lie, but don't disclose too much. I'm glad you didn't ask those questions from your wife, that shows respect, self control, you demonstrated that her need for space is above your need to hug her, it tells me that you do love her and that you are able to give her what she needs. Keep that up.

I hope you see things from my perspective because when you say you want her in her heart to try again, it seems to me like she is trying right now, listen, she hasn't filed any divorce papers, she is willing to find a different counselor to keep trying! she is asking for some time apart, ok, you give her that, without making it about you, without falling apart , give her this: that she can have some time to herself without worrying about you, let her start missing you, make her enjoy the wonderful family you have, together, you need to be strong and in good spirit to do this.

You did great, tomorrow you'll do the same thing. And eat, sleep and take long walks.

OK?

What about that new counselor?

B

[Hootz]

Investigating new counselor today. Not sleeping very much, and crying a lot, finding it hard to function normally. Are there any techniques, that you know of to eliminate the negative thoughts? Do you think I should approach her, about the new counselor, or wait until she has had her time and space, and she contacts me?

[bacci]

Hi,

I suggest you wait until the weekend, to bring up the new counselor and try to not be over anxious when you speak to her about it, but remember she already agreed to this so present her with two appointment options and ask her which one works best for her schedule.

The best thing I would strongly recommend is to do a bit of exercise, even a quick paced walk for half an hour will reset your brain and start releasing endorphines, feel good chemicals. The negative thinking, when you catch yourself doing it try a reality check, what is the evidence for this thought/belief? Most of it is a mental construct.

The best advice I can give you is that negative thoughts will increase your worrying and leave you emotionally and psychologically exhausted. As I said, this things play out in time, its not a short story, its more like a novel. You have a plan, the plan is to rekindle the connection, to bring back to your experience those nice, relaxing, family times, the only way to do this is if you actually stop worrying and fearing enough to start actually enjoying those shared moments. It will become evident, and the mood will be contagious, that's how it works.

In a way you could assume she has given you another chance, so the next question you should ask is what do you do? Importantly, you release your anxiety and pain provoking thoughts about the outcome and set yourself to give it a go, right? this translates in you being fully present, enjoying all the time you are spending together, like friends first, if she feels you're relaxed she'll relax, that's the only moment when she can begin to allow herself to get closer, romantic moments won't happen if you're coming accross as a wounded puppy, she'll feel sorry for you, not romantic, she'll contract in fear or hurting you or something. Put yourself in that position.

As far as I'm concerned her agreeing to see some other counselor means you are having a chance, don't waste it with what if's or having tantrums that will precipitate the outcome you don't want.

Your priority: be there for the children, physically and emotionally present, spend time with them, think of nice things to do, read them stories, color with them, play. Let her see that part of you, let your children see that part of you, let your inner child out with them. Your wife might or might not participate, slowly she'll feel at ease, both of you will. Trust me.

Another thing is go out with a friend, or even watch a mind numbing comedy (just stop the vicious painful thoughts). If you find yourself still disfunctional in a couple of weeks then see a doctor. Your reactions are normal though, but you need to start doing these things to take care of yourself if you really want to try again, this is part of it.

I'll keep checking on you, you go check on your kids, smile at your wife, don't tell her you love her, just show her, but not physically just now, be kind and do not put pressure , no emotional blackmail, she knows you're hurting, guess what? she is hurting too, but the point is that you need to show her that you love her by not turning this into "all about poor you", give her that, you can always turn it about you and your needs here and or with a friend, it would be the selfless, loving thing to do. she'll get it and appreciate it, believe me.

Ok, now you promise you'll do some form of exercise Ok? and I want to know what you did with your kids, post me tonight. I'm in California so I don't know the time difference but I'll check.

Keep up the good work, you'll get through this.

Bacci

[Hootz]

It is 8:50am at the time I am posting.

I do run most nights after work, and am playing touch rugby tonight, so the exercise thing is not a problem. I feel I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, in that, I feel if I contact her to have time with the kids, or for any other reason, that I am not respecting her wishes to have time and space. I am also fearful, that if she sees that I can have a part-time relationship with my kids, that she will think that it is ok to separate, because it won't affect the kids, her, or me....because I have already told her that I can't be a part-time Dad, so if we separate, that I will be out of thiers, and her life, because I don't think it's fair on anyone to have portions of contact. When she originally wanted space, she was talking about a week, then changed it to a weekend, so I am really hopefull that she will call either today or tomorrow, to discuss either permanent seperation, or reconciliation under certain conditions. I'm hoping it will be the latter.....

[Iceman26]

We have been arguing quite a lot, usuallyabout the lack of caring shown by my wife towards me, or the fact that she spends more time, and shows a lot more commitment to her friends than me. Sometimes this is not the case, just my over-reaction....

 

I am curious to hear as to what has been going on with her friends that have made you feel as if they are more important.

[Hootz]

She just seems to want to spend time with her friends rather than with me. I think it is the fact that I feel so insecure is why I have an issue with it. And the reason I feel insecure is that I am not receiving any positive feedback from my wife,and she said that the reason she is not supplying this feedback, "why should I? you are always getting grumpy with me, so why should I show you any affection?" so it's a viscious circle.... so I have told her that I am willing to break the cycle, and she is thinking about that while she has her time and space.

[Iceman26]

She just seems to want to spend time with her friends rather than with me. I think it is the fact that I feel so insecure is why I have an issue with it. And the reason I feel insecure is that I am not receiving any positive feedback from my wife.

 

Has spending a lot of time with her friends been a priority of hers? What I mean is do you feel she puts them above you? What is it about her hanging out with her friends that makes you feel insecure? What kind of positive feedback are you looking for?

[Hootz]

I do feel that she puts her friends above me. She has told me several times that she doesn't, and that me and the kids are her priority, but her actions say different. Example: One Friday night, we were putting the kids to bed, and then going to watch tv, until she got a phone call from one of her friends to go around and watch a dvd, I was gutted, she didn't see what the problem was.... Example 2: She had a group of friends around for coffee for a few hours in the morning, I left work early and got home around 1pm, and the last friend was just leaving, and she said to me that she didn't expect me home so early, and that she had plans this afternoon, her plans were to go to the friends house that had just left for a coffee!!!! once again, I was gutted, but said nothing this time....

She says that she can relax around this particular friend, and doesn't need to worry about offending her, like she does with me.

The positive feedback that I am looking for is the loving, the caring, the affection, that she used to show me, and like she shows her friends....

[Iceman26]

Has she been into hanging out with her friends this much your entire marriage, or is this a recent thing?

 

She says you get offended easily. What is it she says that you take offense to?

 

The reason I am asking these questions is because what from what I am reading it doesn't sound like you are a priority of hers. Another thing I noticed is that SHE had the problem, yet you were the one that moved out. That is your house too, and you aren't the one having doubts here.

[Hootz]

I think it has just been the last 6 months, that I have really noticed it.

I take offense to her going to her friends, and talking about her friends, instead of me being the one that she devotes her time and efforts to, like she used to.... she says that she has changed and her needs have changed, but she can't tell me wat her needs are, or if she even wants me to fulfill her needs....