i have nobody to turn to. maybe somebody here could at least listen to how I feel.

[MissDQ]

Hi all,

 

I am struggling with something right now. It is an incredibly long story but I will leave out a lot of the details, I would really appreciate it if you could read this, I know it is long. It involves my current fiance whom I plan to marry in June. When we first met and began dating, it was perfect. I met him through my brother, who I am super close with...they were very good friends, which was a plus for me. Also, my mother was very encouraging, which I took as a good thing at first. But as time went on, it seemed as though she was too involved, pushing things on us and encouraging it to move faster than I probably would have let it on my own. It was weird because she didn't really know him that well either.

 

Anyway, I consider myself a very level-headed and reasonable person in general...I've always associated myself more with my dad's personality (calm, etc) rather than my mom's highs and lows. So when my boyfriend and I grew to love each other, I knew it was my own feelings and decision and not anyone else's. We have been together for a year and a half, and early on suspected we were "the ones" for each other, but let things progress slowly awhile and figure out the practicalities of our relationship, like were we compatible personality-wise, etc, all that good stuff. Things are better than ever now, with him, I am so proud of his personal growth and the way he treats me, and I truly feel like he has helped me accept myself and feel good about being myself...you know, encouraged me to pursue my goals/talents as well as my own character.

 

The problem is that halfway through my mom did a 180 and completely started hating him, I am not typing in details because it would take forever but basically she disapproved of him getting a tattoo (which I did not care about at all), keep in mind we are both adults, I almost out of college and he a self-sufficient man a year older than I am. Other things happened, because my mom gave him the cold shoulder for the longest time without being upfront with him why she was upset. He still connected with my dad and would do things with him, help him with his remodeling project, etc. I was pretty shocked by my mom's flipped attitude, it got worse and she picked apart every supposed flaw he had, including things that weren't even true. Eventually this affected my relationship with him and we were both in a bad place for lots of other complicated reasons, we had a short break up but then got back together because I felt like the problems with my family had forced me to make that decision.

Since that, things between me and him have only gotten better and better (like I said), and at least my brother is still friends with him. But my mom stopped talking to him last summer, and because of that my dad (controlled) and her fam are all on her side--I guess. What happens is that she always plays the victim, she can't ever apologize for hurting me or acknowledging my feelings. She will tell anyone and everyone her problems, including very inappropriate comments made to my boss about personal things and I assume all her friends and family have heard a very large distortion of the truth. She even had some of them thinking I was in an emotionally abusive relationship--I have no idea where that came from. I don't even know what to believe from what she says anymore.

I have seen her act this way with friends/family in the past, but never quite like this. She and her sisters are very emotional. I suspect it has to do with the fact that he is my first boyfriend and she is just really protective and ultimately wants the best for me. But I am feeling like she is the one being very abusive (emotionally) toward me. She's tried to manipulate me in every way--making me feel responsible for her physical/mental health, saying I dishonor my family, messing with me financially (I had to move into a different apartment last fall so that they would help me out with my expenses, school, etc)...before that I had lived in one close to my fiance.

Also religion is involved. Both my fiance and I are actively involved in church and have made friends in separate groups (I have a group on campus and he has a men's bible study), but my Mom just says he is not a christian and refuses to forgive him for the things that have happened between them from long ago. Which is completely contradictory to her faith, and that makes me angry. See, he has tried numerous times to contact them, offer to meet with them and talk, and even wrote them a letter of apology along with a check for some money from a time they had lent him some before.

Back to my mom...I can't think of a time when I have personally offended her or so much as insulted or slandered her, even in our arguments (I just shut down and try to keep myself composed until later, because she's always the one that's more emotional and "woe is me", evoking pity). But it is horrible, the worst was when my dog that I've had for 15 years (but she lives with them b/c I'm at school) was put down, and neither of my parents told me about it until after it happened, when I was in town and totally available to come by and be there to say goodbye. When I confronted her about it, she never apologized, but turned into a story about how hard it was for her and the pity ended up on her again.

Also, they totally favor my brother, I am sure of it now. they have helped him out financially more than I could dream of and he has had a rough time (with drugs and stuff--they sent him to rehab and he got better). Kinda funny how I was always the super good girl and I still was best friends with my brother all along. Anyway, ever since he moved back home to live with them and save up some money, their attention has not been on me so much...well they haven't called me or spoken to me in over three weeks now. I just feel like they forget I'm here. Even though they know my bro has relapsed in the past, they say it's his life and his choices now. I wish they'd say that for me! Why can't they see that I am happy and that all I want now is to be married...I am scared to tell them because I feel like my mom will threaten to cut me off from the family or something.

 

There is so much more, but ultimately I feel like it is my life, my decision and if they can't accept me for who I am then that is their choice. It is sad if we cannot have a good relationship, but I feel that neither I nor my fiance deserves this. I am just scared because I hate conflict and before, I was always so dependent on my parents' beliefs and decisions. I never had the need to disagree with them (which was seen as threatening)...until now. In fact, this is the first time I've really been in conflict with my mom. Some family members say she'll get over it, and my dad's parents don't like what has happened between us and they think my parents should accept me no matter what they think of him or what I do.

I don't know, I am scared of standing up to them, she always tears me down. but in the end I feel like an abused puppy, I hate how they're acting but I also love them and want them to love me and not reject me. I am sick of all the conclusions people jump to, that parents automatically know best and almost nobody has tried to see my side of the story.

 

any thoughts would be helpful, can anyone relate?

thanks.

[Locke2121]

Time to get out hun. Your mom strikes me as bipolar, your dad is under her thumb and the rest of the family is probably too scared to say anything. The best thing is to sever what ties with you mom that you can. Tell your friends and co-workers that the two of you are in a major disagreement and not to let her bother them.

 

Rough, but its the only thing I can see for you to do.

[Dako]

Time to leave the nest, so to speak.

 

When you marry, you need to devote yourself without interference.

Your domineering mother would be a poisonous mother-in-law for your husband.

I think you know what to do, and are afraid to rock the boat.

Do it for your marriage, or be prepared to join the drama your parents endure.

[Beec]

I think Dako is right, but I would also tell you that you may and perhaps should think about telling your mother that your husband anf you are a team, and that she needs to pick if she wants you both in your life or not. Because if she does, then she has to at least treat him civilly. If you do this before or after the wedding is your choice, but as a married couple, you need to fight with and for him sometimes, and he will lvoe you the more for it.

[ghost69]

you need to let your mother worry about her marriage. it seems that since you aren't controlling your man that she is jealous because you get along so great. does yoru father seem to be in your mom's pocket all of the time? it reminds me of the movie bubbleboy for some reason.

 

.........................................................................................................................................................................................

[ratherbesailing]

Hi DQ -

 

I wouldn't write your mom off completely yet.

 

I think you need to come up with a one or two sentence response for whenever your mother starts in on your fiance. Something like "mom, I love you, but I can't listen to you talk about the man I am going to marry that way. If you continue I'm going to have to hang up/leave." Just say the exact same thing each time she starts and follow through immediately. Don't try to argue or reason with her.

 

She'll either learn or you'll have very short conversations from now on, but at least she'll clearly understand that she can't manipulate you and she'll eventually give up trying.

 

Good luck.

[ghost69]

good idea sailing. i agree 100%. don't let her run your happiness into the ground.

[stressed mess]

Wow, I certainly sympathize with your situation. I am in a similar one, except it's my boyfriend's family that does not like me. I think that if you love him and respect him and your relationship, you should stand up to your family and communicate that you're happy with this person and they should be happy for you. I know it's tough, especially when family is such an important aspect, but seriously, if they can't respect your decision to be with someone that you feel treats you well and loves you, then that's their problem. It's different if the relationship was abusive or detrimental to your mental/physical health. This puts an unnecessary strain on both you and your fiance. You two are having the relationship and you should know what's best for each other. I agree with the other posters--they are trying to manipulate you into seeing someone they like, rather than someone you like. And that's sad because really, that decision is yours to make. It would be GREAT if your mom loved him but the reality is, a lot of people have problems with their in-laws. Good luck and be strong! You know what's best for you.

[SummerGirl38]

I can relate real well.....

 

Twenty-One years ago, I was 16 and in love with my boyfriend. Him and I got engaged and wanted to get married once we graduated. We were both working and already buying furniture for our new place two years ahead of time.

 

My Mom liked him, BUT, did not like the thought of her daughter getting married at such a young age (normal). Once she had seen how serious I was about this marriage taking place, she did the old 360. She completely hated him, she even threw the dozen roses he gave me in his face one day and told him to get out of her house.

 

She found a note one time that said we would run away and get married in another state since I couldn't get married in Ohio because I was still a minor. Then I spent the next few months in complete lockdown.

 

We ended up breaking up and I gave the ring back. We went on with our lives. Down the road through mutual friends we would always ask about each other. Either he was married and I was getting divorced. Or I was getting married and he was getting divorced. We could never get our timing right.

Until June, 2006. Him and I finally got our timing right and have been back in love ever since.

 

So the moral of my story is, you are an adult and in love. DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. To me, it doesn't sound like a case of the bad boyfriend. Choose who YOU want to be with and they can accept it or they wont.

 

Read my thread Titled "Propose or leave it alone" under marriage/Long Term Relationships (sorry I don't know how to send a link to it) and see how happy my story turned out. I guarantee you will love it and might be able to see this a little more clearly.

 

Psst (Now my Mom keeps asking me when were gonna tie the knot this time) She loves him!